i need a happy pill

i’m having one of those days. one of those days i dread. i see everything in a negative light. i intentionally push the ones i love away from me, i don’t deserve their love. i try to fight feeling this way, but it overwhelms me and i don’t know how to overcome it. i want to crawl in bed, but i keep going. i fold clothes, do dishes, listen to happy music, but inside i cry. does one ever truly recover from depression? i know i am much better than i was before, but this illness crept into my life and it took over my mind like cancer.
i remember the year i wouldn’t even go outside of my house. i was so sick, i felt like a monster that no one could love. i felt ugly and i didn’t want people to see me like that. i refused the medication because i was afraid of becoming dependant on it. then one day i just decided i didn’t want to live like that and got off my ass and started to live again. it wasn’t easy. i had to make right with alot of my friends that i had pushed away. i had to lose the weight i had gained. it was hard work, but i did it and i felt like a new person, well, i should say i felt like myself again.
but those feelings are still there, in the back of my mind and on days like this, they start to take over. it scares me to death because i don’t ever want to be that way again. but right now, at this very minute, i don’t know how to fight it. i took out pictures of my kids, i’m looking at them. i made an appointment to see my doctor today at 1:30, but i’m fighting not cancelling it. then i look at the picture of my boys and think i should do it for them, right?
will i ever just be myself again? or will i always fight these feelings of worthlessness and sadness? i don’t know.

18 thoughts on “i need a happy pill

  1. gnome-girl

    (((yvonne)))) girl you are loved and I so know the struggle you are going through. Wish I had answers for you 🙁 but we all think you’re beautiful and you are the greatest “ho” on the block babeee 🙂

  2. Jules

    trust me, coming from someone who is worthlessness and sad hahaha…ha.ha…uhhhhhh *cough* 🙁
    that the fact that you don’t want to be that way is a good sign.
    I don’t have the answers either, and even if I did, they are different for each person. Sometimes I get depressed again, but the advice that works for me is to realize I am nothing special and I need to get over it already. Of course that isn’t going to work for everyone. I also pick out some sad songs and listen to them over and over, and over and over until I get tire of them. I don’t try to fight the feelings, I just don’t dwell on them and let them run their course. Of course, all these theories come as I am on an “up” swing and yet have to test them on a “down” one, which, I am sure, will come soon.
    what the fuck am I trying to say here? Hi, I’m Jules and I have no idea what I am saying, but that’s not stopping me from posting(although it should, fuck it!) Oh and talking helps to, with somone who can give you immediate feedback works best.
    Good luck

  3. robyn

    Oh babe, I hate to see you hurting. The fact you’re asking for help — even if it’s hypothetical through your blog — and that you don’t want to be like that speaks volumes. You’re going to be ok because you’re making sure of it. And deep down, you know your boys need you. If you could only see the number of clients I’d had in the past that just didn’t care. You’ve got quite a fighter inside of you (you gave birth! remember?) and I know she’s gonna win. I’m here if you need me, ok? {{{{ hugs }}}}

  4. Brian

    I know what it’s like to have those days when the depression sneaks out from around the meds or whatever barrier we have to fight back the blackness. I try to roll with it, because from experience I know it will be short-lived. I think your visit to the doctor is a great idea, though. And yeah, it’s evidence that you’re not totally gone — yet. 🙂 Now, if you were making an appointment with the gunsmith, that would be altogether different.
    Another thought: assuming you’ve been diagnosed with a mood disorder (I gather you have?) find someone else who has a similar disorder, and talk to them when you have these issues. You’ll get feedback from someone who knows what it’s like.
    My two cents, anyway….

  5. dasheekeejones

    girl, a lot of times you don’t need meds. trust me. it’s your life that’s getting to you. depression is your own way of telling you to change your life and make yourself happy.

  6. statia

    babe, it’s always going to be a bit of a struggle. I deal with it everyday. Some days are better than others, but there is light and you are loved.

  7. Zander

    I really know what your talking about. I live in this roller coaster of emotion and one minute I feel great and funny and full of life, and the next minute, I feel like just curling up somewhere dying.
    HUGS is all I can send your way. Fight it, it is worth it.

  8. Zander

    Oh yeah, I forgot to add…..Drs. have tried to give me those happy pills……..and all of them made Mr. Happy not work anymore. Worse than death to me! LOL

  9. dasheekeejones

    thanks bitterman. just saying because i know from experience.
    plus working in pharmaceutical adv. i know what bullshit the whole “it makes everything great” is. hell, i used to write that crap.
    girl, it’s going to be ok. don’t think you’re crazy. you’re just not where you want to be, that’s all

  10. Eddie

    hey, just remember that your kids love you and everybody that reads your site loves you too!!! Hell I hardly know ya and want to give you a huge hug!!!
    How bout this:

  11. Quinn

    Hook up with Statia again with a webcam and a can of whipped cream. You’ll feel better.
    .. or maybe I will 😉
    Eddie: those animated gifs made me laugh my ass off!!!!! Nice one!!!

  12. tanya

    i love you, and i’ve never even met you. i was *way* down after i came back from seeing the lovelies in florida too. anticlimax. this too shall pass.
    i recommend paxil and lime-twisted seagrams gin. wellbutrin will make you kill someone with your bare hands. spend a few more hours, um talking, with your husband. and then a few more for me, vicariously. then watch some black adder or kids in the hall. s’good for ya.

  13. markj

    First off, my hugs along with all the rest.
    Second, I have been down this road, and am still on it.
    I still have days that just plain suck. The difference now is that I can see past this day and know that tomorrow may not suck — and that there are things I can do about it.
    The worst thing is to be alone with this – and be posting about it you are not alone.
    There are a shitload of us out there and if you don’t cheer up we will break into your house and cover you with whipped cream or do other silly things and we will not leave until you smile!

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