July 29.
That’s my estimated due date.
The nurse gave me a book of information, made all the appointments I need to have made, had my lab work done and on the way out, she handed me a bag with some “free goodies” inside.

Baby stuff.
I looked at it, stared at it and cried.
Why am I crying? This baby is a blessing, that’s what everyone says. And I love this baby. Why can’t I get excited about it? Why don’t I look at the little diapers and feel happy that I’ll have a little baby to love? Why all of these mixed emotions?
Maybe it’s because in my heart I believe this baby deserves better. A better mother.
Maybe I’m just scared of starting all over.
Or maybe I’m just fucked up again.
I should shutup and be thankful. I should just shut the fuck up and enjoy the hell out of this experience.
Why can’t I do that today? Or why didn’t I do that yesterday?
Questions. I have too many questions and not enough answers.
I really do need to just shutup.
I need to shutup and I need to stop placing so much value on people and how they treat me.
I need to let the bitterness go.
I need to stop placing my value as a person on what other people think of me.
My dad told me that today and he’s right.
I place too much of my faith in people. In what they say, in what they don’t say. And I get angry and sad and all of these other things.
And then, when someone tries to care, when they try to help, you know what I do? I push them away. I don’t answer the phone, I don’t write back. I just crawl into my little world and sulk.
So just what is it I want from everyone? I don’t know. I don’t know what I want or why I’m upset or why I’m freaking the fuck out again.
Inspite of what’s going on in my world right now, the one thing I can honestly say is that I love my husband, I love my children and I love the baby I’m carrying inside me.
And I love my friends, especially Melly.
I just have a really funny way of showing it.

17 thoughts on “blahblahblahbblahahhhhhhhhhhh.

  1. Chasmyn

    Here’s what I think (and feel free to ignore it). I think you are way too hard on yourself (aren’t we all). It’s a part of being human. You forget this, I think. You are human, You are beautiful. It would be good for you to remember.
    You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to always get it right. You are allowed to make mistakes. You are allowed to be scared. It’s just perfect if you are sad, scared, angry, whatever – aloow yourself to feel it, or you will never be able to let it go. Forgive yourself for not being everything you expect or want yourself to be all at this moment.
    Take a deep breath. Let it out.
    This shit is scary, and you have hormones surging through you serving as brilliant amplifiers for every single emotion you might even think for a second to entertain.
    You are beautiful. It’s like that.

  2. Firebrand

    I know how easy it is to push people away when you are most needing them… it’s hard to trust when time and time again you’ve been let down. It’s definitely a leap of faith. I know many have offered, but I’ll reiterate…. I’m more than willing to be a sounding board. Truly…. message me sometime… Firebrand_Grrl….

  3. Stacey

    I bet you’re a wonderful Mom and Wife.
    I’m going crazy right now too with pregnanitis
    Our due dates are a week apart, soon we’ll be fat and grumpy at the same time 😉

  4. mrs. del toro

    Over the past year, I’ve grown to understand your need to retreat back into your hole. And that’s okay. What I do, I keep calling, yeah. Because even though you may not be ready to talk, I want you to know that I am always ready to listen. You do whatever you need to do for yourself and the baby.

  5. Lisa

    All I have for you is song lyrics: Perfect, By Sara Evans
    If you don’t take me to Paris
    On a lover’s getaway
    It’s alright, it’s alright
    If I’d rather wear your t-shirt
    Than a sexy neglige
    It’s alright It’s alright
    Oh, every dinner doesn’t have to be candle lit
    It’s kinda nice to know that it doesn’t have to be Perfect
    Baby every little piece of the puzzle doesn’t always fit
    Love can be rough around the edges,
    Tattered at the seams
    Honey if it’s good enough for you
    It’s good enough for me
    If your mother doesn’t like the
    Way I treat her baby boy
    It’s alright, it’s alright
    If in every wedding picture,
    My daddy looks annoyed
    It’s alright, it’s alright,
    Don’t you know that all the fairy tales tell a lie
    Real love and real life doesn’t have to be Perfect
    Oh, you don’t mind if I show up late for everything,
    When you lose your cool,
    It’s kinda cute to me
    Yeah ain’t it nice to know that we don’t have to be perfect
    oh your good enough for me….
    yeah your good enough for me….
    ohh your good enough for me….yeah
    Yeah, it’s Country. So shoot me. I like the song. Kinda reassuring in a down-to-earth kind of way. My husband and I aren’t perfect, but we love each other and we love our kids and we’ve sworn to stick together. He’s seen the worst sides of me and he loves me anyway. 🙂
    You’re a good mom. You love your kids, you love your husband. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t worry about how this new baby will change your life. But it doesn’t have to be perfect. It might be enough that it will “be”.

  6. waistdog

    You KNOW what’s going on.
    You’ve lived with it for years.
    And you’ve always done a damned good job of getting through it.
    I have four other friends who have the same sort of thing going on.
    Minus the baby part.
    And the loving husband and family part.
    And they don’t have the friendship of Mrs. Del Toro.
    She’ll just keep calling you, and bugging you, until she’s got you laughing and feisty again.
    And THAT’S pretty cool.
    This blog thing is pretty cool too.
    All these people that come here, care about you.
    Some may be nosey, out looking for a train wreck.
    But most of them are sincere.
    And they DO care.
    I have a head full of jokes, that won’t work here at all.
    I’ve learned over the years, when to shut the fuck up.
    Which I’ll do now.
    And let you know that if I can help in any way?
    You’ve got it.

  7. shy me

    i hardly ever say anything here…but i visit every day… sometimes a couple of times a day. maybe what i have to say won’t help, but just in case it does…
    i’m sorry you’re feeling this way. i wish i could take it away for you.
    your family is so lucky to have you and your baby already has the best possible mother it could have. there is no better.
    you may think no one wants to hear but please believe that there are SO many people out there…out here who do.
    i’m a ‘crawl into my hole’ person too.
    i hope you feel the hug that i’m sending you. i care about what happens to you even all the way over here in my part of the world. even though i’ve only met you through your pictures and words.
    everything’s gonna be alright.

  8. mo

    You don’t know me, and I really don’t know you, but for what it’s worth, from what I do know – I think you’re pretty special.

  9. gojou

    Hey, Yvonne?
    I love you. 🙂
    Your baby’s getting the best mom in the world. Nothing you say or think will change that.

  10. tj

    you know what? you feel how you feel. you can’t change that … so there. of course you’re worried. you’re a mother. in fact, THAT’S what makes you a good mother. mothers worry because they care so damn much. i’d be worried if you weren’t worried … that’s a sure sign of problems.

  11. Terry Eaton

    You do what you do because you don’t want to be coached or consoled when you don’t want to be coached or consoled. It’s as simple as that. True friends, the people that know and understand you, will respect that and will still be there when you are ready.

  12. Gary

    I don’t think I am your friend (yet?), just a casual blog aquaintance. That being said, I am quite fond of reading your posts and this I have read over and over in between the lines:
    Every parent has fears whether its the first or the tenth baby. Here were mine:
    1. Can I really love it?
    2. Can I raise it right?
    3. Can I support it?
    The answers were yes, yes, and yes.
    The first sight of my son erased all fears. I knew for sure I would love him as I had never loved before.
    I realized I had all the tools it took to raise him to be fine young man and good adult.
    I knew I would work however many hours, doing whatever it took to give him a good life. I actually quit playing golf and did not buy a new car for 15 years just to keep him in a private, Christian school and you know what–I didn’t miss a thing.
    Yvonne, you will do whatever it takes for this baby. I have heard it said that due to the huge number of abortions that the most dangereous place in the world for a baby is in its mother’s womb. Well, that just isn’t the case for this baby. Its the safest place for it because you want it and you love it already.
    I am still in prayer for you.

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