I’ll tell you what you can expect, pain and blood and discharge!

This morning I picked up The Pregnancy Bible and started reading. I pretty much have the book memorized from my first two pregnancies, but I always seem to learn something new when reading it.
In today’s reading session, I was reminded of the hell that will be my life after giving birth to my baby.
*bloody, vaginal discharge
*abdominal cramps
*perinal discomfort, pain, numbness, especially if you had stitches. (pain worse with sneezing and coughing
*discomfort sitting and walking.
*difficulty urinating for a day or two, difficulty and discomfort with bowel movements for the first few days.
*general soreness
*bloodshot eyes, black and blue marks around eyes, cheeks, elsewhere from vigorous pushing.
*sweating, possibly profuse, after the first couple days
*breast discomfort and engorgement.
*sore or cracked nipples if you are breastfeeding.
And that’s putting it mildly. If I remember correctly, my tits were BLEEDING. Reading this brought it all back, fresh in my mind. The pain, the dicomfort, the not being able to sleep, the baby sucking on my tits every 2/3 hours and me crying because it hurts and I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.
I know that it’s a small price to pay for the miracle of the little life I’ll have to love, but still. Just thinking about that, it freaks me the fuck out. And it makes me hate men. Hate them because they don’t have their bodies torn to pieces, they don’t bleed for days after the baby is born, they don’t have milk squirting out of their tits, they don’t have black eyes from pushing, they don’t have to shit out the 8 pound baby. They get to stand there and hold the baby all proud, cocks fully intact and unaffected, “This is my baby, isn’t she beautiful?” While the woman gets to rub witch hazel pads on her ass to stop the itching from the hemorrhoids.
I know it’s not their fault, but I can still hate them for it.

18 thoughts on “I’ll tell you what you can expect, pain and blood and discharge!

  1. QC

    Damn, girl…why are you doing that to yourself?! Put the book down (I HATED that book while I was pregnant, reassuring it is not!), back away from it slowly, and go buy a tube of Lansinoh to have on hand for your poor beleaguered titties. It actually works pretty damned well.
    If you’d rather, you can go beat the nearest man over the head with the book. It will have served a higher purpose, and you’ll feel much better.

  2. Jennifer

    What the fuck do they mean difficulty urinating for a day or two? I COULDN’T PEE FOR A WEEK! Or at least that’s what it felt like… And the hemorrhoids! Dude. I wish someone had really explained that to my no-hemorrhoid-having ass. I had no understanding of the unweilding pain!
    Oh… And I have one word for you. Mastitis.
    PS. Don’t kill me.

  3. deborah

    And don’t forget overhearing people mutter “Damn, she still looks pregnant” for at least two weeks after pushing the kid out. Yeah, it’s not a physical pain, but still…

  4. michael

    whatever.. you already had two so this one will just fall out.
    you won’t even have to push. just stand there and plop.
    oh jeez. i’m horrible.

  5. Dixie

    man I wish I could have HELD my pee in. I used muscles having my second child that I didnt know I had and too bad for me I wore them out hence feeling the urge to pee and feeling it run down my leg at same time lol. As for your poor breast 🙁 Are you planning on breast feeding again since you had such a time before or are ya gonna tough it out and hope for the best?

  6. mo

    Please tell me that your nipples do NOT crack or BLEED, just to have them latched onto. Please. You have to tell me that you’re making that up, because I do want to have kids. Lie to me.

  7. sphinx

    Oh I can’t WAIT to be pregnant NOW. They should make teenagers read this shit. The teen pregnancy rate will drop into the negatives. Not to mention the adult pregnancy rate.
    I think I’ll stick with dogs.

  8. Laura

    It’s not that bad! When I had my twins in August, it had been 8 years since I’d had a baby, and I think it was easier than it was the first time around! You’ll be fiiiiiine.

  9. Gary

    I was so ashamed of all my wife went through when our son was born that when someone complemented me on the baby I just said, “My pleasure.”

  10. Jodie

    Oh, yes – cracked, bleeding, infected, sore nipples. You name the breastfeeding ‘ailment’ I more than likely had it. And, oh – one thing they don’t talk about much is the tooth thing. My teeth have become SO week. I have lost bits and pieces of several molars and oh, the cavities… grrrr.
    And, I had a friend’s teenaged daughter (16) come be a ‘mother’s helper’ at my birth. We both through it would be a great birth-controlling incident. Apparently after watching me go through all that I went through, she swore to her mom that she’d never make her a grandmother…

  11. laura

    yvonne — you are breaking the rules!! don’t you know that if you let women know what really happens when you have a baby that the human race will come to a screaching halt??? seriously. i think if we all knew the truth, no one in their right mind would willingly get pregnant. there would have to be lots of alcohol or something 😉

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