P-Push it real good

Every morning I try to watch at least one episode of A Baby Story on TLC. I like to watch it to remember how exciting the whole birthing process is. I could watch the home videos of the births of my children, but I always end up cringing in embarassment. Especially the part where I’m pushing and I scream out “I think I just pooped!” and the nurse is all “No, sweetie, you didn’t poop, just keep pushing” as she’s wiping my ass. I’m sure you can understand why I prefer to watch other people pushing out babies instead.
Today, I was reminded of the one thing I truly hate about the entire “pushing out a baby” experience. I hate it more than the pain, more than the IV, more than the hands up my crotch checking if I’m dialated, more than anything

I hate when you have an entire room full of nurses, doctors, husbands, mother in law’s, mothers, and sisters looking at you screaming “PUUUUSH” “PUSH IT PUSH IT HARDER HARDER PUSH!!!!” “Come on, push, hold it, PUSH!!!!!”
That shit is annoying. I had one nurse who had a lisp and kept saying “pusth pusth puuuuuuusth” I wanted to kick her in the stomach. ” I HEARD YOU THE FIRST 70 TIMES, BITCH, I’M PUSHING, DAMN IT. NOW COULD YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR LISPING MOUTH UP!”
I don’t want to deal with people screaming “PUSH” at me. I don’t have the tolerance for it. I know how to get the kid out, I’ve done it twice before, I understand I need to “push like I’m taking a shit and really hard!” I get it.
I think I’m going to make a special request with this baby. You can tell me when it’s time to push and you can tell me when to start pushing again, if I need to be told, but I swear to God, if you scream it at me repeatedly, over and over again, I WILL kick you.

Respect my pushing skills and shutup. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request.

18 thoughts on “P-Push it real good

  1. Empress

    just stop pushing until everyone shuts the fuck up and let me do what I already know how to do
    That’s how I would handle it! Nobody gets to see the baby until they shut the hell up! Heh!

  2. Michele

    Ha. I went into it believing that birth was this serene, peaceful, zen like experience. I imagined beams of light illuminating my beautiful, perfect Gerber baby, angels would be singing, violins and harps, the works. Instead it was like a sporting event: yelling, grunting, sweating, a lot of cussing and yes, every nurse in the hospital yelling PUSH! And then the thing that popped out was NOT a Gerber baby. She was bloody and wrinkled and not all that cute LOL.
    Yeah, I prefer A baby story to my home videos too.

  3. rachel

    I had some nurse tell me the first baby to ‘stop yelling because it doesnt hurt that bad’. First off “I wasn’t yelling” second off, I don’t remember telling her to ‘fuck off because you’re so ugly you’ll never have kids.” But apparently I did =D

  4. Nina

    Especially the part where I’m pushing and I scream out “I think I just pooped!”
    I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!! I was worried about the poop thing, but my husband tells me he doesn’t remember any poop.

  5. yvonne

    Rachel, that nurse should have been fired.
    And ericalynn… she was wiping my ass, you figure it out!!!!! they lied to me so I wouldn’t stop pushing!

  6. djmofo

    what? are you selling tickets to it? why does everybody and their brother have to be in the room with you? man, i don’t know how you did it. i say just let tony in and that’s it!

  7. Jennifer

    Man, did I ever get lucky. Nobody told me to push. Just WHEN to push. At that point, I couldn’t really tell when I was having a contraction… where’d all the pain go?
    Although my nurse had really bushy hair that annoyed me. Does that count for anything?

  8. The Sarcastic Journalist

    I’ve already decided that anyone who tells me to “push push push push” is going to get a swift kick in the ass, epidural or not.
    In fact, I’m making myself a shirt that says “Don’t tell ME TO PUSH!”
    Thats so annoying, like their incessant chanting of it makes it better. You don’t go up to someone taking a crap and say “push push push it all out!” do you?

  9. Vickie

    I have no words.
    This was the funniest shit I ever read and I teach 8th grade and I read some REALLY funny shit.
    Problem is, it’s usually unintentional funny shit.
    Ex: One time i asked them to write how the theme of Fahrenheit 451, a book about book banning, is the same today as it was 50 years ago. Some wingnut wrote: “Uh, they still measure the temperature the same today as they did back then”.
    But I digress.

  10. Canadian Lauren

    OMG and I have to do this again in a week….lord help me. With my last, my hubby told me very eloquently to “shut your mouth and push”, I guess my growling didn’t do the trick.

  11. Mellissa

    I scream like a banshee when I get bitten by an ant. It will be interesting to see how I vocally cope with childbirth.
    If anyone pisses me off, maybe I’ll poop on them.

  12. Liberty

    Hahahah! Between the post and the comments I nearly peed myself laughing.
    By the time I got around to having my third, I finally realized I got to tell THEM what I wanted to do and how we were gonna run the show. Geeze, if I’d gotten it right the first time (and knowon what HELL potty training was going to be) I would have just stopped at one.
    Well, ok, probably not. 🙂 Good luck with your upcoming addition.

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