Sadness consumes me.
Guilt haunts me.
If only I had…
If only you knew…
If only I could…
Those are the regrets that continually raced through my mind since I heard the news, the sentences completed a hundred different ways…
I walked around all day hoping it was a bad dream. Hoping it was a sick joke. Hoping it was a big mistake. The reality quickly set in that it wasn’t any of those things. It was reality.
I do believe that I must let go of the guilt and the regret because that’s not what I want to feel when I think of you.
I want to remember how you always made me laugh. How you always thought of me in such a wonderful way and weren’t afraid to tell me how special you thought I was. I want to remember how much you loved ma’ Melly. I want to remember the thoughtful words you’d send my way when you knew I was hurting.
So as of this minute I let go of the what if’s and the regret that have consumed me and replace them with the wonderful memories I have of you.
Your words will be forever inscribed in my heart and soul.
That’s the way I want it to be, and I think you would want that too.
You KNOW what’s going on.
You’ve lived with it for years.
And you’ve always done a damned good job of getting through it.
I have four other friends who have the same sort of thing going on.
Minus the baby part.
And the loving husband and family part.
And they don’t have the friendship of Mrs. Del Toro (Melly).
She’ll just keep calling you, and bugging you, until she’s got you laughing and feisty again.
And THAT’S pretty cool.
This blog thing is pretty cool too.
All these people that come here, care about you.
Some may be nosey, out looking for a train wreck.
But most of them are sincere.
And they DO care.
I have a head full of jokes, that won’t work here at all.
I’ve learned over the years, when to shut the fuck up.
Which I’ll do now.
And let you know that if I can help in any way?
You’ve got it.


5 thoughts on “Grief

  1. michelle

    My heart goes out to all of you who knew Rick. I only knew him from his comments that I read on various blogs and he was a very funny man. I can not help but be touched by the outpouring of love that I have seen displayed for him.
    Hugs to you- it is never easy to lose a friend.

  2. Hey Lisa

    I know you hate virtual hugs, so I’ll refrain. But I’m crying again after reading your post and I didn’t even know Rick. I wish I had, because obviously he was a special guy. Great post, Yvonne. Hang in there.

  3. Kimmie

    Wow, I’m thrown for a loop. What sad, sad news. 🙁 Yvonne, keep the note he wrote you close to your heart – he spoke the truth and that way you can always remember him.

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