You can file this post under “No one really needs to know this, but I’m sharing it anyway”…

I need new chonies, underwear, panties, whatever you want to call them. Let me tell you WHY I need new ones.
I didn’t buy a single pair of them the entire time I was pregnant. And as I got bigger, it became a problem, because, well, not only was my stomach getting bigger, so were my thighs and my ass. So, to compensate for the leg growth, I did what any person in denial about how rapidly their ass and thighs were growing would do…
I RIPPED THE SIDES OF MY CHONIES A LITTLE. You know, so my circulation wouldn’t get cut off at the top of my thighs, eliminating the need for amputation.
So now I am wearing chonies with tears in the side, that are way to big on me.
And yes, Tony still thinks I’m sexy, but only because he hasn’t actually SEEN them. Because I roll them up into my other clothes when I put them in the hamper and I put them away really fast when I wash them. Because he would LAUGH AT ME and MAKE FUN OF ME and tell me just to go BUY SOME NEW ONES ALREADY
But I don’t want to just yet. I want to be an ass size smaller so I can feel proud and good about myself. Kinda like just the opposite of how I feel when I put on my overized, but formally were too tight so I ripped them to MAKE THEM FIT, chonies.
I can trust you not to tell anyone about this, right?

15 thoughts on “Torn

  1. skits

    I totally call them “chonies”, too! hee. HEE. I would at least buy a couple of new ones now–you never know, dude. I always remember my mom telling me to make sure I was wearing good ones when I left the house, in case of an accident.

  2. ben

    Your secret is safe with me.
    *reaches for the “blog this!” button on the toolbar…*
    Seriously, though, treat yourself to some underwear. Think of them as “rebound panties,” something cheap that you can use until you’re ready for your ass to start dating real panties (er, chonies) again.

  3. girl

    dude. just take your ass to Target and buy yourself some cheapies for the time being. no one should have to wear ripped skivvies!

  4. geeky

    i agree with skits… at least buy a few new ones for special occasions or in case of an accident. besides, it can be a little reward for losing the weight you’ve already lost.

  5. kristal

    I can’t stop laughing! My cousin (a girl) recently died (for four and a half minutes) during surgery. She emailed me that she didn’t see the light (bummer) but that she couldn’t stop thinking about her underwear drawer. If she really died and stayed dead, she didn’t want anyone cleaning out her dresser and finding her old ripped panties. To celebrate her new lease on life, she threw them all away and bought new ones. You should do the same! But without the dying part…

  6. etherian

    Bali makes these really nice, very lightly stretchy panties that sometimes come in different colors (depends on the store you go to). Price is reasonable. Usually found at Wal- or K- marts, Target, and the Hanes/Bali outlet stores. I started getting them after my hysterectomy because I didn’t want ANYTHING that strangled my belly, but it also made me feel like they were holding my insides in (don’t ask why, but while my surgery healed I worried everyday my insides would fall out!).

  7. laura

    Holy crap that is too funny…..not cuz you had to rip the sides so that they would fit…just the whole damn story is funny…you crack me up!!
    I call them chonies too 🙂

  8. ginger

    I am SO going to start calling them Chonies.
    If my man leaves the closet door open, my dog goes in and chews mine up out of the dirty clothes. I’ve had to throw away over half of my chonies b/c of that damn dog.

  9. mercy seat

    Its amazing to me how people can have 2 lives, one is for people you don’t know and the other is for the ones who can see into your heart (but those are the ones we usaully hide from…right? appearantly so!) anyways I think it is absolutly discusting when someone talks about their underwear/chonies and sex life to the entire world(WWW) isn’t that something sacred Yvonne?? take care,
    Your Conscience

  10. Maria

    Hey �Your Conscience� (AKA Mercy Seat)
    if you find it so “discusting” that she talks about her sex life and chonies to the entire world, why does your dumb ass continue reading? Does someone have you strapped to a chair forcing you to read the ins/outs of Yvonne�s life? No, well then shut the hell up, learn to spell and move on.

  11. reese

    here we call them ginch, and several of mine have holes near the hip area. I, too, hide these from my man.
    You know what ones irritate me? Those ‘cute little boy briefs’ that are all the rage now. See, on me, no matter how large a size I might get, my legs manage to look like ready-to-burst smoked sausages. On the models they show and on most of the 13-year-old girls wearing them, a little peekaboo of an ass pops out the back. With me, it’s the equivalent of their entires asses droping out the back of them.
    Granny ginch are the best. Comfy and hold ya in. But for some reason, the men don’t seem to dig em.

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