I woke up this morning not feeling like myself. Everything is different. For the third time in my life, there is a child forming and growing inside of me.
To say it’s overwhelming doesn’t even begin to describe the emotion that is constantly present in my heart and in my mind.
As I made my way down the hall this morning, the sweetest voice I know said softly “Goodmorning my pregnant mommy.”
The words stunned me and a rush of pride and joy swept over my entire body. However, it only lasted for a moment before the shock and disbelief once again took over my mind.
The reaction of my children is comforting. They are excited. Everytime I look at Ethan, he’s staring at my stomach and he’ll say something like “I can’t believe you have a baby in your tummy.” Or “I’m going to love this baby so much mommy.”
Andrew has already offered to help me in any way I need it, with one exception.
He will not change poopie diapers.
I find myself touching my tummy often and telling my baby I’m sorry.
“I’m sorry that I cried when I found out you existed. I’m sorry for the things I said when I called to tell your daddy you existed. I’m sorry. I do love you, I do, but it’s so complicated right now. I’m sorry.”
I know that’s silly, but I feel so guilty for the way I feel right now.
When Andrew and Ethan were concieved, the joy I felt was unmeasurable. I would look at Tony and laugh. “We’re having a baby!” I would walk around with a smile on my face and overwhelming excitment in my heart.
Today, I walk around in shock. Stunned. Overwhelmed. Scared. In disbelief. Wondering if I can give this child the love I gave to my other children. Wondering if it’s fair to bring a sweet, innocent child into this world under these circumstances.
I am ashamed of how I feel. I am.
However, with every hug Ethan gives my tummy, with every name Andrew spontaneously suggests, with every smile and reassuring touch my husband gives to me, it feels a little more like this is the way things are supposed to be and that when I finally see this unexpected little creature, everything will be as it was meant to be.
And finally, the family that I live for, the family I love, will be whole and complete.
I wrote that post on December 6, 2003.
When I read that last sentence, chills went through my entire body.
I had NO idea just HOW much we needed that little “unexpected creature”.
Thank God HE knew.