“She wasn’t always like this”

Last night, I casually mentioned to Tony that I was having second thoughts about going to his company picnic.
The reason?
I don’t want to embarrass him.
“What are you talking about? Why would you embarass me?” He asked.
“Come on, I’m sure you’re going to be embarassed to introduce your coworkers to your giant, fat wife.”
Then, I started crying. And apologizing, you know, for being fat.
He got so mad. PISSED, even.
“Why do you say things like that? I love you and I’ll never be ashamed of you. You’re the mother of my children.”
I know he means it and I feel bad for upsetting him, but I honestly feel like a part of him is ashamed of me.
Not because he makes me feel that way.
Not because he’s ever given me any reason to think that way.
He hasn’t.
He’s never once told me I need to lose weight, or made comments about my weight.
So, why is there a part of me that believes he feels that way? Why am I dreading the moment he introduces me to the people he works with?
I feel like I should make a tshirt with a picture of me when we first met. “I USED TO BE CUTE!”
That way, they won’t be all “What in the hell does he see in HER.”
That’s how I feel, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry that Tony is upset that I feel that way, but I can’t change it.
I’m disgusted with myself right now. And not because I’m fat.
Because I have been given this incredible gift. A husband who loves me no matter what, and because of my own insecurities, I can’t fully accept that gift…
I know, I know, stop being emotional and drink some freaking milk already.

21 thoughts on ““She wasn’t always like this”

  1. Christine

    I’ve had the same conversation with my Hubby about the office Christmas party. But you know what? My Hubby actually seems relieved that I don’t go. =(

  2. Beth

    Yvonne, you are doing great. Yes, you have feelings about your weight (who doesn’t, when you get right down to it?), but look at the facts. You’ve been working on it and raising a houseful of beautiful kids in the process. You rock. The truth is that no one at the party would even care or give your weight a second thought. It’s all in your own head. Probably Tony is mad because you’re slightly trying to project your own feelings onto him, when he doesn’t feel the way you do. Also, he probably wishes you trusted him more to just love you. Oh, dear, I’m not saying all this very eloquently and I think I sound like a dork. Okay, going by the photos of you that I’ve seen, and going by your writing style and sense of humor, I’d bet good money that you actually light up a room when you walk into it, especially with that contagious smile of yours. Go to that party and schmooze and tell jokes and light up the room and have a ball. You’re doing great. *hugs*

  3. ben

    There’s a picture of us, at our wedding, sitting on the buffet at my parents’ house. One day as we were leaving their house, my dear sweet niece goes “Who is that, in the picture?”
    “That’s us, back when we got married.”
    She poked me in the stomach. “You got fat.”
    Yeah, so? I’m not trying to get married anymore…

  4. geeky

    don’t do that! my mom does that too, and it drives us all crazy. no one sees you and thinks “oh my god, that woman is such a cow, why would that man dare bring her here!?” for lots of reasons, one of which is that no one else is perfect! i’m pretty sure tony doesn’t work with super models. more likely, people will meet you and remember how funny you were and how great it was to talk to you. and if all they can think about is how they think you’re fat? they’re not the kind of people who’s opinions you care about anyway.
    please don’t let it hold you back from enjoying life!

  5. hed

    Tony rocks! You are blessed! And adorable. I don’t know why you think anyone would be ashamed to be seen with you. And yeah. No one else is perfect and if they judge you that way, they have major issues, and you shouldn’t worry about what they think, because they are crazy, darling!
    Oh, and I’ve decided too, that when it’s that time of the month, I’m not allowed to make any negative decisions about myself.

  6. Eden

    Ok, see. I could have totally written this. In fact, I have avoided going to 14 of my husband’s picnics/parties/etc. over the last 8 years because I feel like he would be ashamed of me. NOT b/c of anything he’s ever said or done but b/c I believe he deserves to have a beautiful woman with him – one I think I used to be. I don’t know. I do know it’s not healthy for us to think this way.
    And I chuckled at your mention of having a shirt that says “I used to be cute”. God as my witness, I have thought the exact same thing. You should patent it. I’d buy it!

  7. zee

    Tony is DA MAN!~
    My hubby has this in common with yours. I used to feel that way, but I don’t anymore. I guess back then I felt I had to be something or look a certain way for him. But I realized that I need to be happy with myself, first and foremost. Never did he ask.
    Hang in there, Yvonne, the only way to deal with such emotions and or insecurities is to work through them. And, hey! We’re here for you! Count me in, whenever you’d like to chat.
    Mucho cariño para ti!

  8. Tammy/averagemom

    Remember, you are LOSING weight! Remember? You told us! Just flash your fantastic boobies at the party (you might need a tiny bit of wine first…) and no one will ever wonder why Tony is with you. They’ll know – the smile, and hey! The Boobs!

  9. Redhead Mommy

    I was walking through the mall today with The Boy, looking at my reflection in the store windows thinking, “Am I really that fat? Ick…is that really what people see?” I think those thoughts always plague us.
    But, you are losing weight, and just remember, you didn’t gain it overnight, you can’t lose it overnight either….it will happen, keep working at it!

  10. etherian

    Hubby and I rarely go to his company’s functions; mainly because neither of us want to go. So, for us both, I’m happy to be his excuse to bow out. But, Tony is a very good man, and he loves you and is proud of you. As are we.

  11. NinaKaye

    Sometimes I feel bad for my husband because I’m like 70lbs heavier than I was when we got married, but then I think about how fat he is and I don’t feel so bad. hehe

  12. angie

    Y, I could have written this post almost word for word. I am at work and I am trying not to cry with you. My husband loves me and I know he does, but I can’t help but think that he HAS to wish I were thinner. He HAS to wish I looked like I did when we started dating and when we got married. I try not to go anywhere where I have to meet people that he knows that I have never met. He’s a softball umpire and I HATE going to the softball complex because all of those softball guys are there. They have cute little size 5 girlfriends and wives. I can just imagine the things all of them would think and say..like “oh my god! did you see Bubba’s wife? She’s huge.” He wants me to go out and eat with a bunch of the umpires and I refuse. I don’t like being like this, but, the men don’t understand. It is not ONLY about how they feel about us and how proud they are to be married to us, etc. It is about how we feel about ourselves. It’s ugly and I live it every day. I, too have wanted to post a sign, wear a shirt, put neon above my head that says “I used to be cute!” I want to carry around a photo album of myself full of my skinny pictures.
    I can honestly say I absolutely and totally understand every feeling that went into this post! I have no advice for how to get over the feelings. I still live it every day.

  13. Lindy

    I swear woman. You get quirkier everyday. How can you put yourself down like you do when you are all that & then some?

  14. Mindy

    Ok, one point at a time.
    1. I nearly went gay for you with that bird-flippin’ nudie pic. You are HOT, and your attitude makes up 95% of that. Hand me a vacuous, fit, handsome man and I will be trying to hang myself with the nearest condom inside of five minutes.
    2. You are very blessed that Tony gives you no shit. I got shit on our honeymoon, when I weighed like 130 pounds (I’m 5’9″).
    3. Let’s try this from the other angle: I am genetically blessed, very intelligent, a terrific earner, a great mom, and one funny broad, and still my husband couldn’t stand to be around me. He cheated on me for years, and was emotionally unavailable almost the entire time, but mostly when I was suicidal and experiencing severe post partum depression. If that’s not an ego-flattener, what is?

  15. krissy

    Dahling, you’re gorgeous! Are you kidding me?! With the drawing skills you have, your gorgeous family, and a great rack (did I mention AWESOME drawing skills … dude that baby butt cover totally fooled me) you should never question yourself or worry about what people think. Just remember, those that matter, don’t mind and those that mind, don’t matter (or something like that, it’s a Dr. Seuss quote, I probably butchered it, but hey you get the idea)

  16. Joelle

    Ok, HO. 🙂
    And I was just going to tell you how happy and beautiful you look in those pictures. Dude, Y, you look healthy and glowing (and yes, thinner, even) you are in those photos. Don’t sweat the small shit, babydoll. Your husband loves you, you have amazing children and you are loved by many.
    I so totally know it’s hard. I’ve hit some major rough patches myself, but it’ll happen. Focus on the joy your family brings you, PLAY and have fun. Try adding/changing small things at a time. Try drinking a glass of water for every soda/juice/coffee you drink. Cut back fast food to once a week (and girl, you can’t TELL me you don’t love some curly fries! heh). It’s overwhelming, I know… small changes. Baby steps. More veggies. Swap out full-fat for low fat, regular soda for diet.
    Do it for the whole family, it’s not like anyone’s going to perish! They should SUPPORT you in your efforts, and not unintentionally sabotage your good work by danging Arby’s in your face (or whatever). You totally don’t have go crazy like, “MUST STARVE! MUST EXERCISE 24/7 or I’m not doing a good enough job!” That’s horseshit. Do what you can and you’ll be rewarded. You don’t have to do it ALL at once, sweets.
    You’re the mom, you make the rules! It’s overwhelming and scary, but it’s your body, your family and your life. Lay down the law.
    I know it all sounds like happy sappy pap, like it’s so easy. I KNOW it’s not. But you have support. Don’t make me come up there and beat your ass with a copy of Walk Away the Pounds. 🙂

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