Last night my grandpa was rushed to the ER. His potassium level was dangerously high and his kidneys began to shut down.
He’s not doing well, but being carefully monitored at The Veteran’s hospital.
I can’t even begin to describe the fear and sadness I fell at this moment because my grandfather is more important to me than any words could ever express.
I can’t write about it right now because emotions are running too high. I took a 2 hour nap while my daughter slept, I’m grumpy and have cried about everything today.
I’ve tried to keep busy with Gabby to take my mind off of it. We spent the entire day playing, reading books, singing together and also, completely ignoring the incredible amount of housework that needs to be done.
I’m feeling regret for not visiting him more often and yet, I haven’t been able to make myself go see him in the hospital for fear of what I’ll see. I don’t want to see him weak or in pain and I realize that is so damn selfish because he wants to see me.
What the hell is wrong with me? I’m being a selfish coward. I need to go see him.
And I will go see him, but I’m telling you, it’s not going to be easy for me at all.
Funny how the most important things in life are always the hardest.

48 thoughts on “Opa

  1. ben

    I’m sorry, Y.
    I can relate to the feelings that come rushing up when something like this happens, I had some of the same ones when my grandparents passed away.
    And I felt horrible that I hadn’t visited more often, or spent more time, or a million other things. But the minute I walked into the hospital room as my grandfather was sick, and his face lit up, I knew all was forgiven. He needed me THEN. It didn’t matter any more if I hadn’t been there a year or five years earlier.
    Again, I’m sorry, and yes, the important things are hardest, that’s part of what makes them so important, I guess.

  2. Nickie

    I’m very sorry to hear about your grandfather. It is definitely hard to see family memberssick or in pain. I’m sending positive thoughts/prayers your way!

  3. Itchy

    I won’t lie to you. It won’t be easy. You already know that. But you’ll go. It’s easier to go ahead and go now…than live with regret if you don’t. Trust me on that.
    I’m very sorry to hear about your grandfather and I’m sending you the biggest hug I can…

  4. Fiona

    hugs Y…it’s so very hard to see someone you love struggling….and i know how very painful it will be for you but i also know that you have enough love in you to put aside your fears, to give your grandpa what he needs more than ever right now….to hold your hand, to hear your voice, to see your beautiful smile, and for you to tell him what he means to you
    grief doesn’t start at death, it starts at the signs of the inevitable….i know, i’ve been there
    we’re all here for you

  5. Mir

    Girl, your voice is like BUTTAH. Can we do karaoke together at BlogHer? Pretty please?
    Wishing you strength to get through this difficult time, hon. *hugs*

  6. Daria

    I’m very sorry to hear about your grandfather. I always wish I had spent more time with my grandparents and I hated it when my grandmother was sick with cancer. My grandfather was never the same when she passed.
    I hope you do go to visit him. It will do the both of you some good.

  7. Sarah

    Sorry to hear your news, Y. I hope the medical staff can help. Great sound clip by the way – it’s always so cool to put a voice to the writer.

  8. anita

    So sorry, Y. Hugs from me, too. You should definitely go. You will be amazed at the strength you find that you have when you need it. And we all know you are a strong woman.
    For the record, I am NOT singing at BlogHer! Can’t. Won’t! But I will applaud heartily when you do!
    xxxooo. Go see your Opa. We are here for you if you fall apart later. Promise.

  9. April

    Hi Y. I really enjoy your blog. Through a long string of blogrolls I found you. And I find your writing a hoot. Leaves me laughing out loud. Which, when you’re a college student in a large library laughing out loud sort of brings attention to yourself. I hope you can enjoy that visual, cause it’s all your fault. Haha.
    Anyways. I really felt compelled to comment on this post. Maybe it’s because at 20 years old I’m down to one last grandparent. And so far, losing the other three have been the some of the toughest things I’ve ever had to deal with. I lost my Grandpa in 5th grade. We spent 85 days in the hospital with him. (My parents never wanted to shield us from the uglies in life). I was there a lot. And sometimes it was hard to see. But, I know for a fact that seeing us there and enjoying his last few months with his grandchildren meant a lot to him. We even through my birthday party that year in the ICU so he could be there. He was on dialysis while we cut cake. I saw a lot, but I don’t regret a bit of it. I think I’d be kicking myself if I hadn’t been able to go.
    My senior year of high school my Grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. Three months to live. She came to our house and died 1 day shy of that three months. I was the one who watched her take her final breathe. We saw a lot of ugly with that illness. I sacrificed a good portion of my senior year to stay home and help take care of her. Or just sit with her and talk. I would be kicking myself if I hadn’t been there for her. I know what joy it was for her to be with us those last few months. And I also know what joy I got from being near her at the end. Memorizing her face, even when it was wrinkled with pain.
    I guess what I’m saying is sometimes we must sacrifice our own fears or feelings to comfort the one’s we love. They deserve it. You deserve not to feel regrets after they’re gone.
    I hope this comment didn’t offend you. I mean, little ol’ me all of 20 giving advice. I don’t mean for it to. I have met a lot of people in your situation since I’ve gone through losing my grandparents. And everytime I’ve given them the same advice. It might hurt, but think about the person sitting in the hospital. They aren’t fun places to be, but with loved ones surrounding you..they can’t be the most comforting place on Earth.
    Good luck. And I’m so very sorry to hear what is going on.

  10. Y

    April, your comment didn’t offend me at all. Infact, I NEEDED to hear that.
    Thank you for sharing your story with me.

  11. Nicole

    Sorry to hear about your grandpa. It’s so hard when we lose someone we love so much. I had a dear great-aunt who lived in Indiana. When she was ill, I spent my spring break in college with her. It was a very difficult week trying to take care of her and seeing her in pain. But, to this day, I am so glad I had that time with her before she died two months later. It will be hard, but you will feel so much better after you go visit him.

  12. tonya cinnamon

    i would go because you will have this incrediable guilt that will always eat at you. i enjoyed every minute of my grandpa before he passed on and he had a stroke. so it was heart breaking to hear him try to talk to you.. but i was there for him and that was all that mattered. same for you.. being there all that matters .. hugs and i pray your granpa wil be ok..
    hugs tonya

  13. shy me

    I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a sad time.
    And maybe this isn’t a great time for me to say this… but.. your voice is amazing! Really! And I say this like Simon, not Paula, but really, that was great! Lovely lovely voice!

  14. Sarah

    you have a pretty voice. good luck with your grandad. my papa had a stroke and it was so scary. it sucks, but you really should go.

  15. Cara

    I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather. I lost my grandpa 15 years ago this May. I was so sad to say goodbye to Pop, and I still cry thinking back to how thin he was and the fact that he wasn’t the Pop I remembered. But I’m also glad that I was able to hold him, tell him I loved him, and say goodbye.
    Go if it feels right for you. I am hoping your grandpa gets well and goes home soon. Hugs to you.

  16. baseballmom

    I lost my grandpa last year on Easter, and before that he was in and out of the hospital. I have always had such a hard time with people being sick and with hospitals in general! I didn’t go see him nearly enough, and even lied once and said I went and he was sleeping, just to make myself feel better. It didn’t, by the way. I finally went to the extended care center with my husband and one of my sons…he died 2 days later. I really was so glad that I went. SO glad. I also kind of felt like he was waiting to see me before he could let go. It was so hard and still, as I write this I am crying my eyes out!

  17. Hilary

    Hi Yvonne,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather. It’s so hard to see someone you love in pain or sick. But, you are a strong woman and you WILL get through it.
    I do have to tell you how cool it was be able to put a voice with your writing. PLUS, you sing beautifully!! You should definitly sing karaoke!!

  18. Katie

    ((hugs)) I’m sorry Y! Please go see him. My “almost my mom” grandma died my senior year of high school and I skipped school and work to be with her at the end. I never could have lived with myself if I hadn’t. You are stronger than you know and I bet you’ll actually feel relieved after seeing him.

  19. JesseeezMom

    April said it so perfectly! Going to see your Grandpa will be good for both of you.

  20. Randi

    First and foremost, my thoughts are with you and your family. Seeing him will be hard but it will bond you like nothing other.
    Secondly, you have a lovely speaking and singing voice. Your clip put a smile on my face.

  21. Heatheranne

    Yes, go. Go right now. I know it’s hard. Believe me, I know. I had to do it when my grandfather had a heart attack and I actually watched both of my grandmothers die. It was very hard, but I’m glad I did it. I even got the chance to make peace with my grandmother who I never got along with. I got to tell her I’m sorry for all the crap I’ve done and that I love her.
    Even though it’s hard and it may break your heart to see him like that, you will feel so good that you did it. We’re all here for you.

  22. Chickadee

    First of all, let yourself off the hook. Know that seeing someone you love in so much pain is NOT easy for anyone. Take a deep breath and do what you can when you can.
    You are in my thoughts.

  23. stephanie

    I am so sorry to hear about your grandpa. I hope you get to go see him and spend time with him. You should sing to him too… I know hearing your amazing voice made me smile today. (Seriously… damn, woman!)

  24. hotdrwife

    My grandfather died in 2002. He was a big part of life, esp. after my dad died in 1995. I had the hardest time pulling it together to go visit him, but I’m so very glad I did. I left to go home a few hours before he died. It was incredibly difficult and absolutely ripped my heart out, but after losing my dad so suddenly and no chance to say goodbye – or even just to say how much loved them again – it was that much more important to me.
    Thoughts and prayers to you.

  25. Kay

    I totally understand your feelings. My best friend died at 32 yrs of age 2 weeks ago and at one point, when we knew she was going to die I just wanted to run screaming in the opposite direction. The night before the funeral I didn’t want to go.
    It is just human nature to protect ourselves from what we know is going to hurt us.
    My thoughts are with you!

  26. Debbie

    Go see him. Live life with no regrets is my motto and you would only regret not seeing him one more time. Plus, I am sure it would make his day to see his beautiful granddaughter! Take Gabby and then really make his day!

  27. marjorie

    I’m really sorry to hear about your grandpa. I know what you’re going through, but I do hope that you go to see him. Its hard though, I know. I had an aunt who I was extremely close to and it was so hard to see her ill, but I’m so glad now that I went to see her.
    Your voice is beautiful, and it almost made me cry to hear you singing and Gabby chiming in. You are such a great mom!
    I’ll be keeping you in my prayers, and here’s a hug for you.

  28. demondoll

    I’m so sorry to hear about your grandpa. Please go see him, you don’t want to miss this opportunity. My best wishes to you and your family

  29. Jo

    I really hope you went to see him and I hope even more that you used your angelic voice to sing to him. What a gift you have, thanks for sharing it with us.

  30. Mari

    You have a gorgeous voice. Thanks for sharing that. And for sharing how you feel about your grandfather. I see he is doing better, and I am so glad. More prayers and light to you all. Take care and keep singing!

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