The one where I go all “Tony Robbins” on The Internet.

Life is short. And I’ve wasted enough time in my life hating my body.
For the first time in many, many years, maybe even in my entire life, I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin.
It’s a choice I’ve made. It doesn’t come naturally to me to love this body, especially since it’s so torn up.
Saggy breasts, hanging skin, stretched out belly button, stretchmarks, cellulite, fat everywhere.
There’s not much to love about it and I’ve spent a great deal of time being horribly ashamed of it.
I have avoided people and places because of it, I’ve made excuses why I can’t go here or there because of this shame.
I’ve worked very hard to try to improve this body. I want it to be healthy, to be in shape and to last me a very long time. And that wasn’t going to happen by hating it and not taking care of it.
Enough is enough, I said to myself and I kicked things up a notch. I started going to the gym 5 nights a week. I would have much rather stayed home, sat on the couch and watched TV with my family. Infact? Sometimes? I cry when I have to leave. I cry and I cuss about how much I hate having to work out when there are skinny bitches out there who can eat whatever they want and not get fat like me! I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
I told myself I didn’t have to like it, that it was ok to hate it, but it had to get done. I had to go to the gym, even when I didn’t feel like it and that one day, it would pay off and that it would all be worth it.
Pounds started to fall off, clothes started to get bigger, inches were disappearing.
Then, the compliments started coming.
“You look great! What are you doing?”
“Are you losing weight?”
My Mother in law called me sexy. SEXY!
I can honestly say, the payoff has finally arrived and the payoff is this.
I no longer feel “Shame.”
Infact? I actually feel proud of myself.
Is my body where I want it to be? No. I’m still overweight. There are still things I hate about it, there are things I will always hate about it, but, I am not ashamed of it.
I’ve worked so damn hard to get where I am at and I am allowing myself to take pride in my accomplishments. I don’t usually allow myself to do that, because, I don’t feel I have much to be proud of. But, you know what? I could have very easily not done anything about my weight because DAMN IT, it is overwhelming and it’s hard to imagine ever getting to where you want to be when you’re over 200 pounds. I felt hopeless and unable to do it. I would find myself so envious of people who were losing weight. I didn’t think I had it in me to do what they had done.
If there is anyone out there who feels that way, let me tell you, I know how that feels. Oh my God, I know. I remember feeling like throwing up at the thought of going to the gym because I was so out of shape and Oh! How The Fit people would laugh at me. Then, I realized that it wasn’t ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF.
I had to stop caring about what I loooked like at the gym. It didn’t matter, I was there for my health, and that wasn’t anything to be ashamed of.
I finally, FINALLY realized that I was worth the effort.
Now, I find myself taking dance class 3 times a week. Me! In dance class. I’ll never forget the first time I took it. It happened by accident that I ended up in that class, and when the instructor said “Tonight, I teach hip hop” I headed for the door. Hell to the no on THAT. But there was a lady there who convinced me to stay. “It’s fun! And who cares if you mess up? Just relax and enjoy it.”
“But! I have no rhythm! And my ass! It will shake! And my boobs, dear GOD, my boobs!”
Then, I took a deep breath and said to myself “You’re here to burn calories and lose weight, not to be a dancer. JUST DO IT.”
Now, I go every week, three times and just last week, the instructor pulled me and my cousin aside and said “You two are the best students I have. I can’t explain it, but having you in my class is a joy, you make me very happy.”
Yeah. I cried and let me tell you why. In the past, I wouldn’t have even tried it for fear of looking stupid, or messing up, or thinking I couldn’t do it because I was fat and I suck. But, I didn’t give into that negativity and I just freaking did it. Now, I love it and it shows, because my dance makes people happy.
Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaa!
I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore, but I know I’m getting more excited as I type and I want to tell every person out there who wants to lose weight but is feeling hopeless to please, PLEASE, stop listening to the lies that you can’t do it, or that you’re not worth it, or that you can never reach your goal.
You can and you will, you just have to decide that you’re worth it.
Who do I think I am? A motivational speaker or something? God.
The Cheese. It lives.

44 thoughts on “The one where I go all “Tony Robbins” on The Internet.

  1. Mamacita

    Oh hon, you are so worth it. You are WORTHY! You rate, and you rock, and you are SO COOL. I absolutely WORSHIP you.
    And all these things were true before, too. Not just now. Look in the mirror and see what we’ve all seen, all along. Beautiful, wonderful, YOU.

  2. Vicky (Desperate to be a Housewife)

    God, I soooo love the cheese! And your inspiration ROCKS!!! Thanks for posting that…after the weekend I’ve had and the points I’ve eaten, I needed that kick in the butt. I’ll be heading to the gym tonight after my appointment, cause if Y can do it 5 nights a week, I can do it for at least three.
    You’re looking fabulous!

  3. ishouldbeworking

    Y, what you have accomplished is simply awesome! Not only have you transformed the outside, it sounds like the inside is transforming as well. I am inspired by you. I am just starting my journey, but hopefully I will stay with it long enough to accomplish what you have.

  4. Tammy

    Thank you. I’m sitting here crying, because it’s so damn hard, you know? But you did it, I can SEE the progress, and that tells me I can do it too, if I just get my shit together. Thank you for your honesty!

  5. Bobita

    You go, girl! Every one of your posts that I have read…and I’ve read several…are wonderful. You’ve got it all…humor, insight, love of your family…
    Thanks for sharing your journey. It is always wonderful to come across someone who appreciates unexpected joy! 🙂

  6. I may be skinny but I'm not a bitch ;-)

    I am so proud of you! I am thrilled that your hard work has paid off. I think you look great and your beauty comes from inside as well as out. I am the most happy that you lost shame. It is a tragedy that we ever go through life ashamed of what we are or what we look like. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story (all the way, because this wouldn’t be so awesome if we hadn’t seen all the struggles, you know). Mwah! Keep it up!

  7. Y

    I love you guys.
    Skinny but not a bitch? HA. I should have put a disclaimer that I don’t really feel that way, I just get all irrational when I have to go to the gym instead of staying home with the family.

  8. Macca

    This is the best post ever. Man do you sound positive. AND YOU SHOULD. Your results and hardships in getting where you want to be with your body are all here for us to see. I know I’m just a random internet dude, but I’m really happy and proud of you.

  9. Aj

    It’s a weird process – weight loss, especially if the weight’s been there for a while. Do you find people treating you differently? It’s fun, but weird, huh?
    I think you look like a SexyRockstar. 🙂

  10. tonya cinnamon

    speaking of cheese :0) swiss please heheh
    i clean a fitness center. it soo nice to be able to work out and lose weight you moivate me ! i dotn work out due to working long hours cleaning but i need to lose about 30 pounds :p
    AWESOME PICTURE!!!!! you sexy mama!@!@

  11. Leigh

    Congratulations on your weight loss! I have been reading here for a while because I like the way you write. I never comment, but this one post of yours really touched me, I can totally relate. Keep up the good work.

  12. april

    I can’t believe I am about to do this.
    Y, I’m 5’9, and weigh 255 pounds.
    I just went to Sonic and got a pop and some mozzerella sticks for a “snack” I’ve been dieting and walking off and on for a month now, and it has gotten me no where.
    I can’t believe I’m telling anyone all of this.
    I sat in the Sonic parking lot, eating my “snack”, and thought about how I was going to really get serious tomorrow.
    I am tired of it.
    I am getting my iPod, and walking across the street to the park, and I’m going to walk for an hour, no matter what. It is 70 degrees, the wind is blowing 18 miles per hour, with gusts up to 25, but I’m going to do it anyway.
    I can’t believe I just told how much I weigh, and what I just ate.
    Wish me luck

  13. Hed

    Yes! Thanks for the cheese! Man, I can’t wait to start losing this weight for good! (Starting in… August, but that’s OK!) You are an inspiration, for sure!

  14. Jessica

    I’v esaid it before, and i’m saying it again… YOU INSPIRE ME! I am working very hard right now to lose weight. Reading (and seeing) how far you have come makes me realize that it IS all worth it and I WILL get it done. Thank you so much Y!
    oh, and on a side note… you are totally H-O-T in that pic!!!

  15. p

    You’ve come so far, both physically and mentally! I am as proud of you as a blog-reader can be!!! And yeah, I’d stuff that enchilada. Can you send your husband on a business trip or something?

  16. tracy

    y, your entry made me cry.
    i am one of those ‘skinny bitches’ but i am a skinny bitch who hates her body and, because of hating it and neglecting it, is ridiculously out of shape and unhealthy. i’ve spent so long treating my body like shit because i have crazy metabolism and so vegetables? i eat nothing that doesn’t have cheese or a burger in it. cigarettes? i can chainsmoke with the best of ’em and it doesn’t matter because i never have to move and so never have to really be able to breathe. i can’t even run to catch the bus, even though i’m a size six.
    i’ve wanted to join a gym for ages, but i’ve always been too ashamed of being ‘the worst one there.’ i’ve never done things i thought might be stupidly fun, like a dance class, because i am clumsy and have no rhythm and i don’t want other people to laugh at me.
    i know that if i got my shit together, if i ate better and exercised, people would notice. i would look healthy and not sallow, and that would be
    anyway, your entries continue to inspire, and i can totally relate to a lot of your feelings, and I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. seriously. i can feel proud of a stranger on the internets, right? you’ve worked really hard, and you look wonderful. i was looking at your pictures, and as time goes by you seem to look happier, and that’s fantastic.
    um. this is a long comment. but congratulations, y, the internet thinks you rock!

  17. Debbie

    You are the BIGGEST LOSER!!! You rock, girl and hey, thats a great pic of your rack by the way.
    I have been slacking off but no more! I don’t know abou the hip hop stuff but I can at least get my ass to the gym.

  18. Ninotchka

    I like the cheese. You should be very proud of yourself for doing it and for sharing it so that others can benefit from your experience.
    Thanks so much for stopping by my “place.” I’ll definitely be back. (I sound like Ah-nold – lol)

  19. Heatheranne

    Your post made me cry. I’m fucking crying! I’m crying because I hate my body. I hate that I’ve gained weight. I hate that I own a treadmill and yet I sit on my lazy ass every night watching TV. I hate that I tell myself that I’ll be good tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.
    Thank you for the inspiration. Maybe tomorrow I really will get off my lazy ass and turn on the treadmill.

  20. Cranky Chick

    I only need to lose about 10 pounds, but you’ve inspired me! I love that you have tapped your own potential – that you’ve strived to make the best of yourself. That’s what human life is all about. Congratulations to you! You are a wonderfully funny, bright woman.

  21. kim

    i’m pretty much where you were when you first started. and i feel EXACTLY how you said you felt. i feel like it’s a HUGE mountain and i’m not sure i will be able to ever make it to the top so i find myself stuffing things in my face in the evenings because it’s too far a way to go anyway.
    but reading about how you did all of this inspired me BIG TIME. i envy you and your discipline and i signed up for ww again last night. today is the first official day of the counting. and even though i’m starting out pretty much at the same weight i started out last february, i’m gonna make it this time. because i’m worth it!
    i heart you, Y [in a totally not creepy way!]

  22. Oh

    Congrats Y! I have been in your shoes, both on the bad end and the good end! Glad to see you are turning it around! You are beautiful and losing all that weight (and all the inches) is something to be proud of! Keep up the good work!

  23. Jennifer

    Just remember that even though some women are skinny without working out – remember that their arteries are clogging just as fast as the fat, hairy beer-drinking (pizza eating?) slob next door. For me, losing the weight is the primary motivator, but a chance at a long and active life is a side effect. I sometimes hate going to the gym, too. But, I do it anyways.

  24. Mit_Moi

    Thanks for the cheese and the serious post.
    Like many of those writting above me, I too am in the trench of self-hate, self-defeat, and self-abuse. I am tired of this emotional treadmill. Thank you for verbalizing that you H.A.TE. going to the gym … BUT still you GO. You go when you don’t want to, you went whe you couldn’t see much improvement in the beginning – BUT YOU KEPT GOING. And now you see the results, BUT you still HATE going. I am so tired of thinking, “At some point this will get easy and I will like it”, only to become discouraged, because ITS NOT EASY AND I DON’T LIKE IT. I appreciate you are physically, AND MENTALLY, becoming healthier. Thanks again for reminding me – Physical Health will improve my mental health.

  25. Krissy

    Y, I’ve been reading/lurking for about a year and you never fail to inspire me. This latest entry is absolutely amazing. You may not think you’re an inspiration, but to me you definitely are. You’re taught me to embrace life and do something about my faults instead of just whining about it. For that I want to thank you.
    You’re amazing. I’m so happy that you’re happy. You deserve it more than anyone.

  26. Sara

    I don’t say this enough, but I love your blog and the way it’s unconventionally inspirational. It’s not all “Tony Robbins” or rah-rah and that’s why I love it.
    (Don’t tell, but I have a Tony Robbins inspirational tape. I have to find it now.)

  27. Cori

    I love that you feel this way. I love it because I hope to feel that same way someday. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that way yet but I know that I’ll make that tough decision one of these days. After all your hard work, you really deserve to feel as good as you do. Y, you really are an inspiration.

  28. LotionBarBunny

    Hey. Thank you for the inspiration. I am so overweight and I hate it. But I am overwhelmed by how much work is involved to lose it all, that I give up before I can even get started.
    You are my motivation. 🙂

  29. Mollie

    That motherfucking fast food man…it’s the devil! I gotta stop that shit myself. I’ll walk with you, ok? Fuck the snow. We can do this!
    I’ve got to do this, because I want to be where Y is…I want to be happy in my skin.
    5’3 167 lbs. Sunday March 12, 2006.
    Did you ever know that you’re my hero?

  30. kimberlee

    You make people happy when you dance, and also, when you write. Thanks for putting yourself out there. It gives the rest of us some hope and courage to do what you’re doing. Get down on it, Y! 🙂

  31. desi

    Great Message. I weighed over 200 lbs before giving birth to twin girls in Feb 2006. I lost 40 pounds quickly and I’ve been stuck at 164 forever… I go to the gym 5 days a week, I’m trying to eat better, but sometimes I just want icecream so bad…. i love it, it’s my weakness…. and I’m breastfeeding exclusively… so I’m always starving… I drink water all day long… it gets OLD. I used to do Starbucks daily… I haven’t been in a month and when I was going the month before that I had limited it to once a week… and it was decaf… don’t wanna get my babies any other reason to cry…. gas pains… ~lol~ anyways, your words inspire… good luck in your quest and keep up the dancing… I wish my gym had that… but it has yoga…. and I’m gonna try it next week… it’s great cuz I can take the babies with me to the gym… they play in the bouncers, swings, excersaucers, on the floor on blankets…. wonderful place to be…. i just wish i felt thinner. I weigh what I weighed when I gave birth to my first daughter and my son…. crazy…. I need to lose thirty pounds – wish me luck

  32. kris

    Great blog! I loved reading it. Too bad I only stumbled across it this month. It looks like you’ve stopped writing. You should keep writing about something, anything. You’re really good at it.

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