The one where I end abruptly because I just heard Dr.Laura give “sex advice” and at the end, she said “horny” and so, I had to go throw up.

I had such an interesting day yesterday, one that included my daughter, “gettin’ jiggy with Jesus” during my dad’s Easter service.
(No. Really. I’m serious.)

(And the best part wasn’t even that there were old-ish ladies Dosy Doe-ing in the isles, nor the men jumping up and down and doing what looked curiously like the “Funky Chicken”, nor the fact that my daughter “bounced” with them. No! The greatest part was that it all went down to Jewish music.

My dad actually said these words. “Feel free to get up onstage or to dance in the aisles, but be careful not to knock down the small children.”
Ha! Ha! Ha! They were gettin’ ceraazy, Church Style.
My dad’s church is very much what one would call “Spirit Filled.” Let’s just put it this way. If his church were Gay, people would call it “Flamboyant.”
But, for the record, his church is so not Gay.
The Singing With The Background Tape went well. I did mess up once, (forgot the words) but, seriously, I didn’t care. I did it for my dad and he was so very happy. So was my mother. When I was finished singing, I saw that she had tears in her eyes. My mom rarely shows her emotions, so that was nice to see.
But not as nice as seeing my DAD DANCING TO JEWISH MUSIC.
The day also was filled with Panic attacks (over having nothing to wear after having discovered my shirt was COMPLETELY SEE THROUGH and deciding I didn’t want people looking at my stretched out belly button all day long.), Rejoicing (over finding my camera in the pile of laundry that Tony had thrown from our bed into the clothes basket) and of Tantrums (over Ethan being pissed off that I was taking pictures because he’s “Sick of the stupid camera” and “OUCH OUCH OUCH, THE SUN IS IN MY EYES! AND IT HURTS! WAAAAHHHHH”)
You probably think I’m exaggerating, but, I have photographic evidence, people.

Can you see the look of intense, horrific pain from having to look towards the sun?

Surely, you see it now.
It was at that point that I Officially Lost My Shit. I grabbed him by the arm in the most loving, caring way and in doing so, FREED him from THE PURE HELL of having to pose for a few Easter pictures with his brother and sister.
“OMG! Go away! I don’t want you in the pictures if you’re going to act this way. GO! NOW! LEAVE!”
The kid had THE NERVE to get pissed at me for removing him from the photo! How dare I even THINK about excluding him from the Easter pictures.
Even though he was whining the entire time. Even though he repeatedly told me how much he hated me taking pictures. Even though he was acting like THE SUN WAS PHYSICALLY HURTING HIM.
He went all DramaQueen and started crying, which, AWESOME! More crying! Only, this time it’s from his “feelings being hurt”, as opposed to flaming, hot, brutal sun burning his eyeballs!
God. My kids are SO exactly, totally like me dramatic.
The greatest part of the day? Had to be The Food. (And that’s saying A LOT because, The Dancing was pretty darn great.)
Carne asada, ham, chicken, spanish rice, baked beans, refried beans, potato salad, salad, spaghetti bake, tortillas, rolls, candied carrots, taramisu, jello, cookies, chocolate…
Do I need to tell you that I overindulged? Or that I was sick as a dog last night? Or that ha ha! I skipped Weight Watchers today? Or that, I am afraid to light a match today because, whoa, The Gas.
Because I did. I was. I did. And, seriously, make it stop.
So, um, how was YOUR Easter?

22 thoughts on “The one where I end abruptly because I just heard Dr.Laura give “sex advice” and at the end, she said “horny” and so, I had to go throw up.

  1. Y

    Ha! I bought gloves for her, but Tony said it was the gloves were “overdoing it”, so, she didn’t wear them.

  2. maya

    Isn’t that the best part of Easter? getting to grub down on all that good food. I overindulged also- who knew that an 8lb ham is waaaaay too much meat for just two people. 😉

  3. geeky

    your easter sounds very much like the easters from when i was little! this year, we didn’t do much for easter. in typical catholic fashion, we didn’t even go to church. we basically just had a nice dinner of lamb. yum.

  4. Cara

    I hear you on the food–we had a Passover dinner Saturday, then Easter last night. And today, we float from the bloat.

  5. demondoll

    We went to Vigil Sat. nite. Way too cold for springtime finery- people kept their coats on for the most part, and if they were dressed up it was in wool. Sunday we ate, ate, ate. Then we had lunch. Oh, yeah- then we stopped at DQ on the way home! I am so bloated, I’ll be floating fine in the pool tonite…

  6. CrazedMomof4

    When I read about your kids I think, Welcome to my world! Isn’t it funny how crazy things can get with them. If ya get one to do what you want, the next one starts acting up, & when you finally have had enough, they get their feelings hurt. But they are all blessings & your family is beautiful! I’m glad you had a good day.

  7. Hed

    That has got to be the cutest easter outfit I’ve ever seen on a little girl! And damn, she just gets cuter and cuter! Mine was pretty good. Very laid back. Just me, Mr. Hed, The Kid, and Mr. Hed’s Grandma. Ms. Ladybug had her very own easter egg hunt, and afterward, we made egg salad with the eggs she found, and we totally praised her for her bounteous hunt! She was so proud of herself!

  8. NinaKaye

    Our kids are related, I swear. I heard the “but the sun is hurting my eyes!” then, when I took the pictures, he got furious that I wouldn’t let him see the camera display.
    I swear, he’s going to be in a drag show when he grows up. He’s so dramatic and, well, “you know”. hehe
    Gabby’s dress is precious!!

  9. clickmom

    Wait a minute, Jewish music, but no Jewish food?? Where was the matzoh ball soup, gefilte fish, brisket, noodle kugel????
    I mean us Jews know how to eat!!

  10. Kay

    You gotta love the church moshpit man!
    I so have kids that are exactly like me in all the ways I hate, I still say mine are SO MUCH WORSE than I was just to lie to myself a little and make me feel better. Heh.
    So what was the verdict on the cute girl clothes? I love the dress she is in, so beautiful!

  11. Nila

    She looks like a little seniorita. Good choice on the outfit, she’s too cute.
    Gas means a successful holiday, and what better reason to over indulge. How can you not over indulge with carne asada.

  12. sfhulagirl

    I love that you pulled him out of the picture and then he got even more ticked off! I swear, when I have kids, I’m going to do the same thing!!

  13. Me

    Normally I try to be positive, but hell, here goes:
    How was our Easter?!?
    We didn’t get to go to church b/c our families consists of heathen liars who started the “get together” (mandatory, you’re b*tched about if you’re late, or well, ALL the friggin time) at 11 am. But. Nobody. Showed. Up. Til. 12 noon.
    Then we only stayed for about 1 hr b/c:
    1) the family has decided that since my dad now has a biological granddaughter, my adopted girls are “non-essential” (and therefore completely ignored- as in NOBODY in 60+ people spoke to them AT ALL.)
    2) My mother died in January. (We weren’t particulary close- she proudly has favored my bio brother his whole life and was very vocal/open about said favoring, where as I am a) ugly b) fat c) too smart d) not cool enough e) the mother of adoptive hence “not real” children) Why is this significant? Because my a-hole uncle decided he’d fuss at me publicly for not bringing what my mom always brought to get togethers. Which is CRAP. That NONE of my family eats. In fact, hardly anyone ever eats it, so why did she bring it? Because. TRADITION.
    3) My bro & his baby momma decided to be butts and not speak to any of us. We finally figured out that hell, we’re the “no one else can keep the baby lets call my sister” type people. We’re the ones who are always trying to be nice and Godly and Christian-like, and help.
    We left. Took our pudding & cherry filled cream cheese and vanilla cupcakes (homemade w/tofu no less) and mexican casserole home.
    Then we went to our storage building and cleaned and fought wasps for the rest of the night.
    And people wonder why I want to move to Alaska. Or anywhere as long as its not here, so I don’t have to ever ever ever ever see these lovely, prejudiced, backstabbing relatives ever again.
    So, happy Easter. Next year, we’re going to church. Then probably a picnic in the park. Maybe with other homeschoolers or adoptive families. Because I’m SURE I’m not the only one rejected out there, who didn’t turn out to be blue-eyed blonde haired perfection (if perfect means criminal record, alcoholic, deadbeat dad, thief, liar and manipulater).
    Surely. I’m just saying. Surely.

  14. Me

    Oh but by the way:
    Gabby looks perfect. Almost as cute as my Gabby, except mine has kinky curly hair LOL that looks like a brillo pad under a hat.
    And your boys? Well, here’s a happy thought, be glad Ethan doesn’t like to put on frilly clothes and pose for the camera. Or take off his clothes and pose for the camera. At least you know he’s just a normal, whiny teenage boy. Right?
    But really, they’re all three adorable. And I’m thrilled your solo went well. Maybe you should post the recording of it on here… us all get more energized.

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