Nothing makes me happier than checking the search log on this blog and finding this:
Search: query for ‘fart’
Search: query for ‘fart’
Search: query for ‘fart’
Search: query for ‘fart’
Search: query for ‘gas’
Search: query for ‘poop, mexico’
Which reminds me of the time Erika emailed me to tell me she couldn’t access this site at the hospital because it had been categorized as “TASTELESS”.
True story! My blog has been deemed “Tasteless”!
Last night was Aerobic Dance Class. I was more excited than usual because I was under the assumption we’d be continuing with The Hip Hop and, not to sound cocky, but (once again) I NAILED it.
I arrived to class early to do some stretching. (Which is a complete and total lie. I do not arrive early to “Stretch”, I have been FORCED to arrive early to claim “my spot”. Recently, a group of Annoying Old Wimmins started attending Aerobic Dance class and they are starting to act like they are the bosses of Aerobic Dance class. On Monday, they stole “my spot” and I was stunned. Everyone knows that’s my spot. So now, I must get there early, to mark my territory. (Tony says I should squat and pee, to show them I mean business. I’m not sure, but I think he was being a smart ass.) I pretend to be “warming up”, but really, it’s my way of of saying, “Wimmins, please. I was here long before you and I kinda think that I OWN this class, so step off and GET OUT OF MY SPOT!” Seriously, I have a “spot” and that spot is in the front left corner of the room.)
Bitches better RECOGNIZE.
Anyway, I got there early and was prepared to GO OFF on the Gym Dance Floor with my CRAZY MAD aerobic hip hop dance moves. I was stretching and concentrating. Telling myself things like “You are an awesome aerobic dancer. You own the aerobic dance floor. You are the hip hop master.”
Then, The Instructor entered and announced that we’d be doing “Latin” dancing.
One would think I’d be happy about this because, hello! I’m half latin! But, I wasn’t happy. I was actually a little pissed off. How dare she go and switch it up on me like that.
I got a grip and was like “I can nail this, my dad is from Mexico! There is Latin pumping through my veins!”
There’s a little saying that my father used to preach from the pulpit. “Pride comes before the fall.”
Let’s just say last night, I got served a big ass plate of “Humble enchiladas.”
I could NOT get the steps right. I mean, I had them NAILED in “slow motion” but as soon as she said “faster”, I was lost, man. COMPLETELY LOST. How does a 1/2 latina get lost in a latin dance class?
To make matters worse, The White Girl behind me was nailing it . Thoughts of tripping her on purpose ran through my mind because hell to the NO SHE DI’UNT just shame my half Mexican ass on the aerobic dance floor.
Normally when I get home from dance class, I’m all haughty with my new found dance steps and I walk around the house, spontaneously busting into My Moves and saying things like “You LIKE that, don’t you?” Or “You wish you could do that.” I don’t even care when my kids laugh at me, or say things like “Mom, that was the dumbest move I’ve ever seen” because I know deep down, they’re just jealous. But last night, when I walked in the door, I was distraught and all “I don’t want to talk about it, no MOVES FOR YOU!” To which, they were like “haha, THANK YOU! We hate having to watch you dance!”
It’s not easy for me to admit that I failed at Aerobic Dancing, because in my mind, I truly believe that I am the best Aerobic Dancer to have ever Aerobic Danced, and yet here I am, admitting that I failed. And I failed on the night I should have nailed it because it was the dance of My People.
I keep telling myself that it’s ok, we Aerobic Dancers are human, we have good classes and bad classes. We don’t have to nail it everytime, we just have to give it all we’ve got and try to nail it the next class.
And trust me, that is what I’m going to do. I will NOT let The Non Latins win!

47 thoughts on “Disgraceful

  1. Nothing But Bonfires

    Aha! I see a cunning way for me to win the dance-off!
    Say, Y, how do you feel about both of us choosing a theme for each round? I’ll start. Hmmm…..I think I’ll go with….LATIN DANCE. What do you think?

  2. Itchy

    I so totally knew your spot was in the front left…I swear. I’m like…psychic or something that way.
    I bet you were doing better than you feel like you were doing. You were just so comfy with The Hip Hop moves that you probably just feel weird doing the new moves. That’s what I believe…
    And…I wish I could find one of these classes. Are you taking this at a local gym or what sort of place is this?

  3. Y

    Ben, do NOT encourage me. I mean, I have to stop myself EVERYDAY from recording new moves to show off here.

  4. Heather B.

    It’s kind of like when people expect for black people to just automatically have rhythm and that we all can dance, and then I dance (while drunk) and it’s just a sad sad state.
    I know how you feel.

  5. laurie

    you know what would be kinda neat? if your husband had a blog of his own with his stories, because he’s pretty funny too! lol
    god, I love reading your blog. I was totally having a crappy day and you totally just changed that with this funny post! Thank you so much. 🙂
    I heart you!

  6. Karen

    When you write funny you are right on! This was a great post!
    oh, and I have my “spot” in the pool at water aerobics. I bully anyone brave enough to be in it.

  7. Luscious Lumpkin

    As a half-Latina myself, I’ve dealt with the white girl rolling her r’s better than me and (sometimes) salsa-ing better than me but just remember…she only wishes she had your tan 😉
    Also, I’m sure it was just nerves and you’ll kick everyone’s ass in class the next time!

  8. The Other Laurie

    I used to CLAIM my spot in aerobics too. If I somehow got bullied out of MY spot, I could not perform.
    I third (or is it fourth??) the vote for video linkage. I much enjoyed the “monkey”.

  9. Heatherg

    I am so happy to hear that i’m not the only one to shake my ass at my family and say “you know you wish you could, but you cant do it like ma——–ma!” or “whose your momma? say it, you know it, say it!”
    You are our latin dancing queen, we gotta see some video though! C’mon! Do it for all us non-dancing wimmins out here! (and Ben)

  10. Crazedmomof4

    Oh! I’m sorry! I’ll try & remember to stay out of your spot.;)
    I can’t dance & they would kick me out for being too fat… Something about hurting other people’s eyes…I don’t know? (Shrugs shoulders) :L
    I love “Hips Don’t Lie” & ever since I heard this song, I’ve thought, “Boy Y would like this song too!” So you should do a video on that! What do you think?
    You are too funny & I love this blog!

  11. reluctant housewife

    Que desgracia! You’re a disgrace!
    Don’t let the pressure get to you – YOU WILL RULE THE DANCEFLOOR!
    (I feel your pain – at least you can say you’re half latina. I’m 100% latina, not only that, I’m 50% Colombian and 50% Dominican. Which means that at EVERY wedding, the dancefloor parts like the red sea and people stare at me expecting me to bust out with some Shakira moves. The pressure!)
    (You do know that the secret to Latin dancing is some good liquor, right?)

  12. Kristin

    i’m half polynesian and i can’t hula without falling over so i feel your pain… perhaps your journey to master the latin aerobic dance will encourage me to once again try out my lovely hula hands… then again, i could stay on the couch, check your blog for updates and eat cookies.
    btw…what kind of camera do you use cuz your photos are soooo good! i know you have said that it isn’t fancy so maybe i am just looking for a tip on “color saturation”.

  13. Imperfect Mommy

    Maybe someone has suggested this before… why don’t you get certified as an aerobic instructor? You seem to love it so much. Extra money, staying in shape, a professional outlet — seems like it could be a good thing. Or just tell me to shut up…

  14. Amber

    Hey Y, too cute, Maybe the 1/2 of you that is Latin isn’t the 1/2 that is used to dance. Ya know maybe your bottom half isn’t latin LOL

  15. Hed

    You know, I always pictured you on the right side of class. Don’t know why. Maybe that’s ’cause I always go to the right of the room whenever I have a choice, so I just imagine people where I’d be. Oh well. If I ever take a dance class with you, I guess I won’t be your spot thief, so you don’t have to worry about me!
    And I’m sure you would SO beat me at a dance off!

  16. demondoll

    LOL- I can totally see you defending your spot (I’m one of those hateful people who travel around a room). Those biddies will learn!
    PS- V.I.D.E.O!

  17. wendi

    dance yikes I am all left feet. I don’t even take aerobic classes cause again I am all left feet, many many left feet. like 10 left feet per leg… thats an interesting thought…. 😉

  18. jenny lee

    it’s ok dood. i’m 1/2 irish and don’t know how to ‘irish jig’ either so it’s ok. head up young person and there’s always next week. i just hope next week is not “let’s dance in latin part duex”

  19. Lee

    Your hair looks wicked cute like that! Also? I love how Gabby is not even paying attention to you while you dance. I’m with everyone else: more dance videos.

  20. pookiepie76

    AHAHAHA!! That was FuNnY!!!
    Can’t stop laughing….what’s your other half? You say you are half Mexicana…what’s the other half?
    MAybe….just maybe…that’s what’s making you fail….hehehe. 😉
    I kid!!

  21. girlplease

    Must have the same filter because you’re not only ‘tasteless’ in our company’s system but also ‘questionable/pornographic’ material.
    but then again, the assholes also cut out Nordstroms because it had “lingere that could be offensive and risque”. Yea the granny panties in isle 3 are so offensive.
    All I wanted was to show a friend a dress I bought. Not some skid-marked panties! Ugh. I hate “THE MAN”. I’m so jealous you stay home with your kids. Take me with you.

  22. reluctant housewife

    You posted a video!
    I take back my previous comment – you’re no desgracia! You can dance woman! And I love how Gabby doesn’t even notice your dancing! Ha ha!
    (PS – love the pigtails!)

  23. wen

    ha! that’s great. i think you should secretly take a latin dance class (aka competitive ballroom dance)–you’ll do the dance of your peeps in wild costumes with more fringe and rhinestones than you can shake a tomale at.
    then go back to aerobics class. in costume. and let them weep.

  24. Elizabeth

    Sooooooooo one of my internerd friends sent me an e-mail explaining that she was searchng for something about bangs (as in the hair, I assume) and came across your site and loved your bad ass aerobic dancer-ness and thought that I, with the step aerobics politics I’ve been known to blog about, would enjoy you. She linked me to a few posts, including this one, but I had to wait until I got home because my office internet said you were “tasteless.” So the fact that you mention the search logs and your “tastelessness” means that I was destined to comment on this post. Or whatever.

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