My heart. It hurts.

For the past few days, everytime I look at my oldest son, I cry.
I cry because I can no longer pick him up, hold him in my lap and bite his little cheeks.
I cry because the adorable little toddler who used to stand no taller than my knees and who would raise his hands high in the air so that I could pick him up, is now as tall as I am.
I cry because the precious little boy who used to be so proud to have his mommy walk him to class everyday is now a pimply faced teenager who doesn’t even want me to get out of the car when I take him to school.
I cry because as of last month, I have to buy his shoes from the “mens” department.
I cry because he no longer thinks girls have cooties, but watches them with a curious eye when they walk by.
I cry because the little boy who used to walk around in a Ninja Turle Jumpsuit doing kicks and turns now walks around with a walkman singing rock songs and bobbing his head to the music.
I cry because the little boy who wanted nothing more than for his mommy to read him a story or play catch out in the front yard is now to busy hanging out with friends to give his mommy the time of day.
I cry because the first child I concieved, the beautiful little baby boy who made me a mother, my little “Nunu” is growing into a young man right before my eyes and as proud as I am of the man he’s becoming, my heart wishes I could stop time, rewind it and let him be my little boy for just a little while longer.

32 thoughts on “My heart. It hurts.

  1. Amy

    Aw, but look what a fantastic kid he’s turning out to be!
    (Though, I’m totally with you. I cry when Isaac starts pronouncing restaurant correctly.)

  2. Y

    I know, I know. I suppose I should have included that I am so proud of who he is turning out to be, but man, I’m too overwhelmed with this feeling of “MY LITTLE BOY IS GROWING UP AND WAH, I WANT HIM TO BE LITTLE AGAIN.”.

  3. gc

    I feel the same way about my kids. In my minds eye, I still see them as their toddler selves. There are times when it’s hard to accept that they are only 4/5 years away from being an adult.

  4. oshee

    My oldest is a girl. She is going into the fifth grade. This year we had to buy her training bras. She wears a size 8 shoe.
    I miss the little girl who used to hug me and pat my cheeks and say “You ok mama?” when I would cry.
    I agree..watching our babies become people is tough..and yet rewarding all on its own.
    Beautiful post.

  5. RSM

    These kids need to stop with that growing thing – how irritating.
    But! You are looking so good!

  6. Alex

    I feel your pain. My son entered this poem in a contest at school.
    Girls, Girls, Girls
    Tall Girls
    Short Girls
    Fat, Short, Round Girls
    Long, Thin, Skinny Girls
    Those are just a few
    Pretty Girls
    Ugly Girls
    Red-Hot Chili Girls
    Big Rude Mouthy Girls
    Weird Girls Too
    Sweet Girls
    Dirty Girls
    Don’t Forget Cute Girls
    Last of all, Best of all
    I like Hot Girls
    By Matthew Tucker

  7. Alex

    I posted the poem above…my son will be 12 in October. I miss the toddler who thought girls were gross!!

  8. Aly

    What a gorgeous pic that is, Y. It reminds me of your Gabi too…
    No kids for me but your post hit home, as always.

  9. exile

    yes, but soon he will buy you beer, then everything will be right in the world
    (btw, if you want him to want you to drop him off STOP BITING HIS CHEEKS hehehe)

  10. HotDoctorWife

    Um, okay. I just bawled ready this. My little 2-year-old has been laying my arms all week, sick, and I’m already afraid I’m going to be blogging exactly what you did all too soon.
    I shall hug my little man and give him more kisses tonight.
    Thanks for the reminder!

  11. Annika

    Yvonne you are killing me. My boy is six days old and already I feel like he is growing up too fast. I will never survive motherhood.

  12. dana michelle

    Your posts like this always get to me. **sniff**
    But you are SMOKIN’ HOT in that picture, Y!!

  13. lynne

    Sniff this is the second blog entry this morning that has brought tears to my eyes. Gah what is up with me!
    My mother would agree with you about this, as I don’t think she has ever forgiven me for growing up and leaving home. Your kids growing up have their good points, I can pick my mum up an give her a big bear hug shes so teeny, weeny. Buy her lovely presents and take her to all sorts of places she would never go on her own ( This summer were going to Canda to visit her sister).
    Kids may grown up into skanky teenagers and get difficult for a while, but thanks be we grow out of it and find ourselves and we never stop loving our moms!

  14. Debbie

    I’m glad there is someone else out there as morbid as I am about your kids growing up.
    My oldest is at Basic Training in Ft. Benning ALL summer long. Then he will come back and go straight back to college. I do not get to see him or talk to him at all this summer. We write letters. It breaks my heart.

  15. sunShine

    I dread this so much. My little one is only 6 1/2 months, but it has already gone by way too fast. There are days that I just want to stop time and snuggle him in my arms and love on him. I know the day will be here soon when everything will be more important than me. It makes me very sad.

  16. tonya cinnamon

    i am soo with you. lets cry together. my oldest will be turnning 14 yrs old and going in the 9th grade in a few months sobbbbbbb! and i miss my kids being small! life aint fair!

  17. Lizard Queen

    I know you how feel. My daughter is 13 now. I just bought her dress for her “Memorial Dinner” kinda like a prom thing for the Jr. High.
    I’m so proud of the young woman she is, but it killed me to see her try on formal dresses. really really really killed me.
    They grow up way too fast!

  18. Lena

    This little boy who wanted nothing more than for his mommy to read him a story…
    Thanks – I started crying and am now immediately getting off the DAMN LAPTOP TO READ MY LITTLE GIRL A STORY!

  19. Izzy

    My daughter is only going on six but I had a similar revelation and subsequent sobfest the other day. I was holding her on my lap and it occurred to me that she is no longer a chubby little bundle but rather this long, lanky, bony child comprised mostly of legs. She doesn’t FEEL like she’s mine anymore. It makes my eyes sting just typing about it.

  20. Tom

    Your post actually makes me ashamed of having grown old and had children of my own. What right had I to desert my own kin and beleager them with a sea of sorrows when Icould have happily remained 7 forever?

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