You know how sometimes I delete entries because I think they’re dumb? Yeah.

On Saturday night, Tony and I went to a couples bridal shower.
At the bowling alley.
Sounds crazy, right? A Bridal Shower, at the bowling alley. WHAT?
But I’m here to tell you, it is so NOT crazy. Well, unless by “crazy”, you mean “The Greatest Idea in the History of Bridal Showers.”
The best part about the shower was that it was a surprise to the bride and groom to be. I’m a SUCKAH for surprises. They make me uncontrollably happy. As we were standing there in the bowling alley waiting for the bride to show up, I kept asking people “Do you think she knows? Do you think she knows? Do you think she’ll freak out when she sees us? What about when she sees the guys? Do you think she’ll cry? OMG. DO you think she knows?” As I was asking the questions, repeatedly, my mouth was watering (from the excitment) and I kept jumping up and down whilst clapping and squeeling because EEEEEEEEE! SURPRISE!
I seriously geek the hell out.
The groom arrived first and found a room full of family, friends and one crazed out psycho surprise lover in the bar. Everyone was all “SURPRISE!” and Oh my God, I think I made sweet pee pee in my pants because SURPRISE ACHIEVED!
As soon as he arrived, he was given a pair of pink boxers that he had to wear. (Do I need to tell you how crazy that made me inside, it was like THIS IS THE GREATEST SURPRISE BRIDAL SHOWER IN HISTORY AND IT HASN’T EVEN STARTED YET!)
After everyone explained to the groom what was going on, the girls went and waited for the bride. Once she walked through the doors, we totally tricked her. We were like “This is your shower, girl, let’s bowl!” Little did she know that her fiance, her brothers, uncles and male friends were waiting for her outside. (With roses in hand! But that was supposed to be a surprise! Sorry! I can’t help it, I’m so excited to tell you about this!)
As we started to put on our socks and bowling shoes, her fiance snuck in the door and surprised her with a pink ring, a rose and a pink veil. She started laughing hysterically, which made me so happy because it worked! We surprised her! Sweet pee pee! After they had their moment, the guys walked in one at a time, each giving her a rose and a kiss on the cheek and a little joy to a certain little dork sitting on chair feeling so lucky to be a part of such an awesome moment in history.
Since I hardly ever get a night out with my husband and since I am no longer a nursing mother, I decided I was going to have me a few drinks of some hard liquor.
Ha! Ha! I said “A few.”
After my 3rd double rum and diet coke, my friends were like “Hey, how many of those have you had? Are you ok?”
And I was all “I’m GREAT! You just better hope that they don’t turn on any music!” Because, people? When I’m drinking, it’s all fun and games until the DJ busts out The Hip Hop and R&B.
Well, um, after we were done bowling, everyone decided to go hang out in the pool room/BAR. And HOLY CRAP, there was music. Sweet hip hop music. I started out calm, with just a little bobbing of the head and gentle thrusts of the hips. But then, some dude, (Sorry, Michelle, I can’t remember his name!) challenged me to some sort of dance off. Obviously, he had NO CLUE who he was dealing with. At one point, he uttered the words “You’ll have to do better than that.”
Big mistake, dude. Big. Freaking. Mistake.
The next words out of his mouth? “OHHHHH, SHE DROPPED IT LIKE IT’S HOT.” I’ll let you “imagine” the move I busted out. But just remember “drop” and “hot.”
What happened next marked the moment that my husband decided it was probably time to go home. We were all standing around the bar and the same dude who had challenged me before was still talking smack about my dancing, so I was like “DUDE, do NOT make me bust out The Worm, because I will.”
Two seconds later, I fell to the floor, forgetting that I was wearing a skirt. And granny panties. Because WHOOPS, I was on The Rag.
Funny how liquor makes you forget little things like that.
Let me show you a little post that I wrote when I got home before I continue.

Because I love you all so much, I am going to give you some awesomeadvice.
If you’ve had um, a great deal to drink and you are wearing a skirt and also your granny panties because haha who’s goign to see your chonies? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT BUST OUT WITH THE WORM IN THE MIDDL EOF THE BAR OF THE BOWLING ALLEY.
seriously. Do not. No one needs to see all of that white chunky goodness that are your thighs and also your lower ass. NO ONE.
And when peopel call you “stripper” it’s not a compliment. It’s more like a HAHAHAAAA we’ve got you on film doing “the worm “in yourskirt you drunken dumbass.
I am goign to kick people’s asses tomorrow for encourgaing me to do such things.
(But honestly? You’ve not liveduntil you’ve seen me do the worm, people. Jus tmake sure I’m notwearing a skirt when youa sk me to do it.)

So, yeah, I wasn’t thinking about the skirt flying up on my first attempt of The Worm. But, I quickly fixed the problem by tucking my skirt between my legs and proceeded to show them all that when you issue me any type of challenge that involves “Dancing”? YOU LOSE.
(P.S. Attention Wimmins attending Blogher. FEAR NOT! I will not be packing any skirts! Unlike the unlucky few at the bowling alley on Saturday night, your eyes will be spared the White Chunky Goodness that are my thighs and lower buttocks!)
On the way home, Tony made me cry. He said he was mortified when the skirt flew up because (and these are his exact words) “No one needs to see your pad, woman.”
First of all, no one saw The Pad. It’s not like I lifted up my skirt, spread my legs and bent over. My skirt lifted up a little. BIG FREAKING DEAL. He only said that to be An Ass and to make me feel like an ass. And I did for about 2 minutes, but you know what? The same way that “No one puts Baby in a corner?”
“No one makes me feel about about doing The Worm.”
(Well, except if you send me in email the day AFTER I do the worm and say “Everyone talked about the worm at the game, but no worries, it’s all good!” Because that will make me all paranoid and shit and wish I had kept my worm to myself and done The Monkey instead.)

43 thoughts on “You know how sometimes I delete entries because I think they’re dumb? Yeah.

  1. Heatherg

    This post soooooo made my day. I needed that laugh.
    Gawd, i am having a horrible day and this was just awesome. Thanks for the one smile that is going to grace my lips today!

  2. Itchy

    First…I saw your drunken worm dance post before you deleted it. Then when I saw that you deleted it it made me sad for those that missed it. 🙂
    Second…this sentence alone “No one needs to see your pad, woman.” has made my day. I think I just peed a little bit here in my office chair. That is the funniest shit I’ve read all day. Or all week. Or maybe all month. I don’t even know your husband but I’m hearing this statement in my head being said and it’s killing me!!!!
    I wish I could come to one of your parties. I’d finally have some fun…

  3. xtx

    You need to start writing for women’s mags…seriously…

  4. GFI

    “No one needs to see your pad, woman…”

  5. Tara

    OMG. I wish I still lived in CA. I would so want to have you as my friend to be all silly with… you definitely are not a corner kind of girl!!! Long live the worm!!!!!

  6. Valerie in NM

    Tony is a fantastic straight man! “No one needs to see your pad woman”, oh my, I am still laughing! Thanks for the red face lady!

  7. Lia Freitas

    You kill me! But seriously, why I am so excited that you are going to BlogHer and that I might actually get to meet you???? I wish someone felt that way about me.

  8. Sara

    Sweet PEE, I wish I was lucky enough to see you in action. Or at least be part of the action. Your worm is my “let’s squat to the floor and roll up a skrillion times” or “hey ya’ll, I can so touch the floor whilst bouncing the ass and smacking it this entire song, watch.”. Maybe those aren’t as effective as the worm, but as a team? We could bust it.

  9. mikey

    The obvious solution to this is… you need to learn a different signature move besides The Worm. I keep trying to remind you to do The Lion, but I guess it’s hard to remember shit like that when you’re buzzed.
    Really, though, next time? Just bust out with some aerobic dance moves.
    Either that, or do that weird thing where you don’t drink as much. Heh.
    By the way. When’s the next Vegas trip?

  10. Y

    Oh! Pictures were taken. Infact, I had to approve them to make sure there were no “bare ass” shots. The Bride to be is going to send them to me if/when she gets them. haaaaa. I bet you can’t wait.

  11. Oceanbug

    OMG I would LOVE to see the worm!! Maybe you can put a small clip of you doing the worm. (sans skirt) That would awsome!! You go Girl!!

  12. Kristie

    Ok, seriously. I’ve never met you, and don’t know you except for your blog, which I’ve been following for a while now. It’s a damn good thing I don’t live in California, because I swear I would stalk you, (not in a creepy, you need to call the police sort of way, but in a holy cow, I SO want to be your friend sort of way!) just to hang out in the vicinity of you, because I think you are THAT freaking hysterical!!!
    Any woman, drunk or no, that has the courage to do the WORM at a surprise couples’ bridal shower, I’m telling you, is my kind of gal! You rock!!!

  13. Lena

    Y – I saw your drunken post on Bloglines the night you posted even though you took it down and – oh my god – girl, you were GONE! Fortunately I was too, so I’m glad you saved me from making an ass out of myself with my comment!
    HA! The Worm…please…pictures? I’m thinking ELAINE from SEINFELD.

  14. Tammy

    I cannot remember where you live, but I must move there immediately. I was just bemoaning my sad, boring life, and then I read this. I so want to go bowling with you!

  15. Princess of Power

    OMG. I am laughing laughing laughing! The nobody puts baby in the corner parallel is great! You really should do the worm on video and post it here so we can all see it.

  16. Jen

    You are freaking adorable. And awesome. Good for you, and granny panties be damned! For you must DANCE the FOR-BEED-DEN DANCE! I’d have done the same thing (except I can’t do The Worm)
    Btw, I know you have a summer drought of no new dance moves now – that said, have you caught So You Think You Can Dance? They’ve sifted thru all the crap by now and there are some seriously sick-talented people out there. Maybe you can add a move or 2 to your “repetoire”. That is my plan anyway. The guy who does hip hop is awesome.

  17. Michelle

    You are truly without a doubt someone I love to hang around with. You make me laugh! You have the balls to do whatever without worrying about others…have the who the “F*ck” cares attitude….the way it should be. We had such a BLAST Saturday I am so glad that you were apart of it. The bowling alley party, I have to admit was AWESOME. That was the best surprise for Kevin & I. The worn was just the addd bonus for all!!! The guys name is Danny….:)

  18. teresa

    PLEASE…for the love of all that is holy…take a video of yourself doing the worm…and post it on your blog!
    You are the absolute funniest woman in the world!!
    And everytime I click over here to read one of your “adventures”….I feel like bowing down and saying…”I’m not worthy…I’m not worthy!” Because you are the BLOG QUEEN!!

  19. p

    holy cats, that’s brilliant. you poor woman — i love you! we’ve all been there in some capacity.

  20. Stepherz

    You are f-ing helarious, Y. I’m serious, dude. Who the hell needs Prozac when they have you to make them laugh their butt off. I almost totally got busted laughing at my desk just now…

  21. Virenda

    I am SO glad Lena (Cheekylotus) sent me over here cause GF your funny. If I had that much to drink I would have done the worm too, only you know, naked.
    My husband is overprotective. I had a skirt on and it slide up a little and some guy was staring. Who does he get all pissy with? Me. Bastard. Love my baby but he can be a BIG baby.
    I’m going to BlogHer and we are going to have to do a dance off and drink PLENTY of liqour before hand. What’s a better bonding experience then drunken dancing? Yeah.
    (If I’m being over exuberent I apologize. I promise I’m not stalking you…)

  22. Colleen

    I think I love you! Thank you for the best laugh in months, no years! Sweet Pee Pee indeed!

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