It wasn’t easy for me to post the pictures of my body yesterday. I actually cried when I saw them, because, well, I’m truly ashamed of my body.
But this IS my body. I’m trying desperately to learn how to love and accept it. I’m trying to remain honest and open about it here on my blog, for personal reasons and also for the people who have written to me, telling me that my honesty has encouraged them to lose weight.
Yesterday, I thought it was time to get real and come clean with my weight gain. Not that I’ve been dishonest about it, because I haven’t, but I thought since I posted weight loss pictures all of the damn time, it was time to post a “what an 8 pound gain looks like” photo.
I was shocked (SHOCKED!) at the comments about my stomach. People using words like “Toned” and “ABS” and “muscles”. What? WHAT?
I’ll admit, it sounded good to hear. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear nice things about their body? But! the longer the day went on, the more it bothered me because, well, I can not let people think that I have muscular abs when I do not. Because “OMG! What if someone asks to see my toned abs at BlogHer?!”
Here’s the thing. Everyone knows I hate my body, err, um, I used to hate my body but am working on loving it. The thing I hate the most is my stomach.
It’s stretched out. It’s fat. It’s flabby. It’s lumpy. It has rolls. It’s covered in stretch marks. My belly button is stretched out and deformed (but, I have to say, it makes a really good “puppet.” I like to open and close it whilst talking in a funny voice and say things like “Can you please check me for lint?”)
My stomach is the reason I refuse to go to the beach. My stomach is the reason I will not take a shower with my husband. My stomach is the reason I cry when I look in the mirror.
I hate it more than anything else on my body. It’s repulsive and I often think “If only my belly were normal, my life would be so much better.”
Don’t get too sad for me and my belly. It’s not “all hate all of the time.” We have our moments of happiness. Like, when we’re shopping together, or when we’re making sweet bellay music on the couch late at night.
I realize it’s more toned than it’s been, but, people, I do not have a muscular, toned stomach and I can not let you go on thinking that I do.
There are reasons that my stomach looked tone in those pictures.
a)I’m standing far away from the mirror.
b) I was sucking my stomach in as hard as I could. (And please, do not judge me for that, who DOESN’T hold their stomach in when people are looking at it?)
c) Bad lighting.
I can hear people now. “Just take a compliment, woman.”
I know, and I try and my GOD, I appreciate the compliments. But there are people who are irritated with me because “how dare I call myself fat when I have such toned, muscular abs.” Because, you know, I’m not really fat at all and just want people to tell me how great I look!
Um, yeah. Except, not really.
The Truth.
My belly button is all “You know you want to pet me and sing songs to me and, perhaps, frolic with me in the hills of fatty goodness that is Y’s belly. Admit it, you do.”
Ha! Ha! Come on. It’s funny, people. Ok, maybe you have to hear it in my belly button voice. If you’re nice and don’t scold me about being “nicer to my toned abs.” then maybe I will make a .wav file for you.
Because I love you that much (And NOT because I freaking LOVE to make .wav files.)
(P.S. I really DO love you guys. Honestly. You have no idea how much your encouragement and support means to me. I mean, HELLO? You told me that I have toned abs. How could I NOT love you?)
