You can go ahead and call me “Raffi.”

pretty brown eyes
That right there is my daughter.
She’s a beautiful little girl. And my GOD, she’s funny. Hilarious, even.
She’s also polite. She says “thank you” and “please” and if you sneeze or burp? She says “bless you.” She’ll also bring you a tissue if you cry, and she’ll wipe your nose for you whilst saying “Ohhhh, don’t cwry.”
All together now. Awwwwwww
As sweet and beautiful and funny and amazing as she is, I have to say that THAT little girl right there, is by far the most difficult child to have ever come out of my glorious vagina.
(Yeah. I just called It “Glorious.” At least I didn’t call it “Notorious” OMG! THE NOTORIOUS V-A-G.”)
Keeping anything on her is a challenge. Clothes. Diapers. Hair clips. Earrings. They all come off eventually. No matter how much duct tape is used, no matter how many times I say in a very calm voice (HONEST!) “We don’t take our shirts off, we leave our shirts on!”
The diaper staying on during nap/sleep time had become a horrific struggle. We would tape that shit on, but it only took her a couple of days to figure out how to take the tape off. No matter how many times we wrapped it around. Luckily, I found a pair of shorts with a string around the waist and if I quadruple knot it, she can’t get it off. So, guess what she sleeps in every time she goes to sleep? No lie, my daughter sleeps in the same shorts every nap time, every night time. I take them off in the morning, put them back on at nap time, take them off after nap time, and put them on again at night time.
She’s always been a great sleeper, from the time she was 4 weeks old. She sleeps 10-12 hours a night and still takes 2 one hour + naps a day. You’ll never hear me complain about sleep.
HOWEVER. Getting her to fall asleep the past few days/nights have been hell. You see, little Miss Thang has to have quite a few stuffed animals/plastic figurines/blankets in order to go to sleep. The last count went as follows.
2 duckies
3 bears
1 Ernie figurine
1 cookie monster figurine
1 Elmo figurine
1 fish
2 dolls
1 pillow
1 “favorite” blankie
and 1 spray of mommy’s perfume on her arm to sniff herself to sleep.
If she does not have each and everyone of those things in her crib before bed time, she will NOT go to sleep. Well, guess what little Miss Thang just figured out?
If she throws all of the things out of her crib AND strips the sheet off of the crib, mommy, daddy or the brother’s will have to come into her room to replace all of the items and if mommy, daddy or the brothers do NOT come into to replace all of the items that SHE THREW OUT, she will scream at the top of her lungs. For as long as it takes for one of the four of us to cave.
Lather, rinse, repeat, so to speak. Twenty times over.
Ah, power struggles!
(Funny TRUE story! I was writing this while my daughter was supposedly taking a nap. All of a sudden, there was a call for help coming from her room. “MOM! Pee!” I ran to the room to find her diaper tossed to the side of the crib, but her shorts were still on. She was sitting in a puddle of pee. OMG! She just now figured out how to remove her diaper without taking her shorts off. It’s like she has ESP and knew I was writing about the shorts and was all “Ha! HAA! Even the shorts can not stop me from taking my diaper off, silly mommy!” AWESOME!)
(Another funny and TRUE story. After I cleaned up the mess in her crib, washed her and changed her, I put her in her high chair to eat lunch. I made her a sandwich, and asked her brother to watch her so I could finish writing this. Just now, I heard my son scream “NO, GABBY! YOU DON’T DO THAT! THAT’S BAD!” I ran over to see what she had done. She had taken her sandwich apart and thrown it all over the kitchen! OMG. SOMEONE HELP US.)
Getting things done around here isn’t easy because not only does she love to strip, but she loves to climb on things! And take things out of drawers! And color! And did I mention CLIMB ON THINGS? Things like “the kitchen table” “her changing table” “my computer desk” and “the inside of the entertainment center.”
I can honestly say that my boys were never this difficult. Andrew was the perfect child. Never threw tantrums, always obeyed me, never screamed or yelled. He was pure joy and sunshine. Ethan was a bit more of a handful. He would throw tantrums and was extremely active, but his “activeness” doesn’t even compare to that of his little sister.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I get angry. (Like the time I was on the phone with a friend and I was trying to load the dishwasher for the 25th time and Gabby refused to stop taking the dirty dishes that I had just put in out and I YELLED AT HER and then felt like an asshole because I had just yelled at a 2 year old and um, someone heard me do it.) Other times, I use humor to get through the day. And then there are days, like today, where I have thoughts of opening the back door, gently pushing her through the door, locking it behind me and letting her have a few quality hours out there alone with dog.
But instead of doing something stupid like that, I give the housework The Fingah, take a deep breath, sit down with my darling daughter and teach her songs about how special she really is.
Because I’m a good mommy.

30 thoughts on “You can go ahead and call me “Raffi.”

  1. The Other Laurie

    Girl….been there done that shit..TWICE!
    Just when you think everything is normal and THANK YOU JESUS for perfect girls, they will start their womanly flow and the become the devil.
    I was “smart” and had mine 5 years apart, which is really a dumb move because once my 13 year old is OLD ENOUGH TO RESPECT me and my thoughts and opinions, I have another one….steppin’ up to the damn plate.
    This is why I like the beer.

  2. Y

    Is it a “girl” thing? I think it is. I really do.
    Also? I do not like beer, but I’ve developed a huge crush on rum.

  3. Tara

    lol, okay i laughed, i’ll admit it. then i got to the singing. i believe i just had an ovary burst!!! 🙂

  4. Mom Unscripted

    I go through the same with my 2 year old daughter every day. Only difference is she WON’T sleep. It’s like punishment for her.
    You’re little one is absolutely beautiful. She is going to be such a heart breaker.

  5. Mamacita

    Yes, you are. You are a VERY good Mommy.
    Count your blessings, dear. My son used to fingerpaint with his own poop. I think he was five years old before his fingernails were ever really clean.

  6. Y

    omg! I forgot the rubber duckie! And the froggie! And hahaha “big pink keyboard.”
    When ARE we getting those two together?

  7. Stacey

    You are not just a good mom, you are a GREAT mom…because:
    1. You have enough patience and love and goodness to not yell until THE 25TH TIME. Personally, I am on my 2nd bag of throat lozenges this month.
    2. You have it together enough to actually own and wear perfume. I miss perfume. And I also probably stink.
    Very funny post. And I can totally relate…my daughter is the same age as Gabby and omg, they are like EVIL TWINS. It’s a girl thing.

  8. wdc

    Oh. My. Gosh. That cracked me up. And her singing. How could you not just scoop her up and smother her in hugs and kisses? Maybe because of the wet shorts and pee smell?
    My 10 month old just discovered how to remove his diaper. My first thought was of Gabby (and the queen of playing in her poop, Miss E) and then OH NO.

  9. Amanda

    I had to install a fridge lock when I caught Alex climbing in to the freezer using the fridge shelves as stairs. I feel your pain!
    And where did you hear that it’s wrong to yell at a 2 year old? Because if that’s true, I am totally going to hell.

  10. beanie's mama

    swear to the heavens above, i have a draft of an entry similar to this, but HELLO, can’t finish it b/c i’m too busy multi-tasking between work, my child, chores, “me” time (i actually got a mani/pedi today!!!), my laptop is on the fritz and mywork laptop is OLD (aka – takes too damn long to upload pics / view thumbnails AND i really want to post some of her pics to go along w/the entry…ewww…i know, but whatevs).
    my 9 month old discovered how to remove her diaper last month and since then? i’ve scrubbed her bassinet / play pen down at least 6 times.
    ok, now that i’ve rambled on and on…i feel much better 🙂 thanks!

  11. chris

    Sounds exactly like my daughter. Only she hasn’t napped for over a year because she refuses to. She has just stopped stripping off all of her clothes,but she does color on everything that she can find.
    And nght time? Ugh, she gets out of bed over and over again. Many nights we just let her stay up until she crashes on the couch. Last night I told her she had to go to bed because she wasn’t a grownup. She said, “yes I am. I a tiny widdle grown up”
    And with cuteness like that, how can you do anything but laugh?

  12. Me

    1. You need to buy the zippered pj’s that zip in the back, footed and all and let her sleep in them. No removability. Look for the ones with the velcro-across tab at the collar.
    2. She may be ready to potty train. That’s typically how my girls “showed” me they were ready (as per the pediatrician). So off came diaper and in came training pants. And when they made a mess diaper-wise? The dr advised they have to help clean it up. While I made stinking nose faces and groaning noises. Then I praised them incredibly when they went in the bathroom. (M&M’s make a great bribe)
    3. Give her something else to take apart- like the little block sets, kiddie tool kits, etc. The next time she plays diaper Houdini- tell her no no, we dont’ take off our clothes/diaper/etc, but we CAN take apart this (or undress the Dressy Bessy doll).
    4. The climbing thing? No clue. We simply spanked/timed out for climbing indoors, but gave them lots of time outside on the wooden “fort” my hubby built.
    5. And the perfume thing on her wrist? Absolutely the most precious thing I have ever, ever heard. Absolutely.

  13. Izzy

    I wish I had some words of wisdom. My first was a handful. My second is a madman. Apparently I have some bad past life karma to answer for.
    But “THE NOTORIOUS V-A-G.” made me almost go P-E-E in my pants ;p

  14. Kristie

    I’ve actually heard the same advice about putting the footy/zipper pj’s on them backwards so they can’t get them unzipped. Of course, that’s not going to solve the problem of the ten bazillion toys and stuffed animals being flung from the crib … but when she’s as cute as she is, how can you stay mad??? 🙂 Of course, I think my own are pretty darn cute, and I still manage to yell all the time, so maybe my advice isn’t one you should take.
    Also, totally not related to Gabby, but I just posted an entry about my aerobics class today and thought of you while I was typing it. I fell DOWN during aerobics. On my ass; in front of everyone. Obviously, I need you to teach me some moves. 🙂

  15. Jessica

    See, I was a good, quiet baby until I learned to walk and then it was terror until about 4 or so. Let’s review how I made my mother’s life interesting:
    – I climbed out my windows. A lot. Pushed out the screen and over the rosebush.
    – I climbed to the top of a swingset at 18mo- mom had Dad take it down after that
    – I was brought home by a State Trooper at 4-5am in my diaper. I snuck out the house while Mom slept.
    – I would talk to the garbage men at 5am
    – I locked myself out of the house at 5am
    – I got down on all fours and started barking like a dog in the middle of Hershey Park- mom had one of those leashes on me because I would just run
    – I would routinely hide in the clothes racks at the store so Mom couldn’t find me
    – roller skating in the kitchen and knocked over can of paint
    Yeah, Mom’s just waiting for me to have a kid for paybacks. Heh.

  16. Melissa F.

    I just loved your song!! It was so sweet 🙂 Also, the perfume! My mom has always been very sensitive to perfume so she really never wore any. I started wearing Pleasures in college and have wore it ever since. I always thought she didn’t like it, but one weekend when I was home she said,”You’re not wearing your perfume? You should because I can always smell it on the seatbelt (she would always make me drive when I came home) and it reminds me of you.”

  17. Angel

    You are an amazing mom, and an inspiration to me as a mom to step back and just chill when my kids freak me out. Thank you

  18. Mari

    My son is doing that same thing. Except he would throw all the sheets, toys and bottle out of the crib and then when none of us would come in there and “rescue him” he would then make himself hurl and VOMIT. This went on for about a month. I then realized he would soon be a practicing bulemic if I didn’t do anything. We then took down the crib *gulp* and now he has his toddler bed up. But… he isn’t sleeping in it, he sleeps in MY BED NOW. MY BACK HURTS. But I guess its better than a bulemic two year old.

  19. Jolie

    Hilarious as usual. 😉
    No, it’s not just a girl thing. My son is/was like this. He’s now 4 and I don’t know how I’ve survived. He tests me every day. When they do cute things though, it over writes all the difficulty and reminds you how much you love them.
    Good luck!

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