How to Kill a Spider. By: Me

What can I say? I’m a genuis.
A genius who is terrified of spiders because did you know they can JUMP AT YOU?
(Also? A genuis who uses Aussie hairspray. Keep your judgements to yourself, it’s cheap and it smells like candy. What more could one ask for in a hairspray?)
I aint even TRYING to get jumped by spiders, so I strike first. And by “strike” obviously, I mean “douse with hairspray” and then “cover with a upside down candle until PigHunter gets home and picks it up for me because OH HELL NO I’M NOT TOUCHING IT.”
I can’t wait for him to come home and see what I’ve got for him today. I swear, everytime he gets home from work, it’s like it’s his birthday up in this house, because I always have something “special” waiting for him.
All men should be so lucky.

43 thoughts on “How to Kill a Spider. By: Me

  1. Nina

    If you just sit the candle on it upright, it’ll get squished. I hate spiders and am terrified of them, but lately we keep getting those red wasps in our house. Everytime the door opens, one flies in…sometimes 2. I’m not even trying to get stung so I turn on the light to trap them in the fixture…who cares if I have every light turned on, the damn wasps ain’t gettin on me!!

  2. Amy

    That is actually a smart way to do it. One time, when we lived in Turkey where they have spiders bigger than you’d ever imagine possible, my friend squished a spider and a WHOLE BUNCH OF BABY SPIDERS CAME RUNNING OUT!!!!!!!! Like, thousands of them. Can you even freaking imagine???? So, yeah. Hairspray and upside down candle? Smart.

  3. Cheryl

    I one time left a huge dead cockroach under a napkin for four days until my boyfriend came back into town and got him to pick up and throw away for me. I just cannot handle being able to feel their legs, even through a wadded-up paper product.
    Bugs are definitely a boy responsibility. I will do toilets, but I will not touch any creepy-crawly of any kind.

  4. starrynite

    I buy hairspray solely for the purpose of using on spiders. I then tend to suck them up the vacuum cleaner if I dare get close enough (and once they have “firm hold” and “healthy shine” lol). They are evil and must be stopped.

    It must be that time of year because I’ve recently been terrorised by the hugest spider I think I’ve ever seen. They can smell my fear, I swear it – they run straight at me!

  5. Finy

    I just moved into my own studio and have only now realized that while I am SO excited to be living on my own, there is now no one else around to kill things for me! In my old apartment, wouldn’t have been a problem as we rarely got bugs, in the new apartment? Of course now that I am on my own the apartment is overrun with that dreaded NYC curse – cockroaches. I’m tiptoeing around the damn place I am so scared! Bugs suck!

  6. elizabeth

    I totally do that too. I had a water glass upside down over a spider all day until my husband came home. And I purposely stayed out of that room. EW.
    Nowadays, those blasted things are always high on the ceiling, so I try to ignore them. Except for that big one that lives behind our doorbell, constantly spinning a web between the doorbell and the door handle. I’m on the lookout everytime I come home at night. A couple of times I had to pound on the other door because the ugly thing was out of its hole. ICK ICK ICK!
    You did the right thing! Ditto on it being “for boys”.

  7. Attention Whore

    I used to use the same Aussie spray in High School – though I had to wait until I actually LEFT the house to spray it becasue my Dad could not stand the smell. After reading the ingredients he discovered it had garlic in it and since he hates garlic he was certain that is what he smelled. WTF? For one – who hates garlic?, and for two – who the hell makes their daughter do their hair in the garage?

  8. Y

    Hey! At least you were allowed to DO your hair. I wasn’t allowed to use hairspray on my hair, because I would do my bangs “too high” like all of the “ungodly whores.”

  9. Itchy

    YES! Could you please tell my husband that the spiders can jump on us if we miss while trying to kill them. Man…he will not believe me!!
    My method: I put on a pair of shoes so the killer spider cannot jump on my bare feet…then I get a pair of hubby’s shoes because they are bigger and I drop the shoe on top of the spider…then I step on that shoe to further squish it. I don’t lift the shoe in case it’s just stunned and hiding under there….

  10. April

    If you use the extra-firm hold hairspray, the little bastards will crisp right up and then you can scoop them up with a piece of paper.
    I have also been known to disable the fuckers with other available hair products…imagine hubby’s surprise when he came home one day and I was stark nekkid in our bathroom and I had just unloaded half a bottle of hair gel onto the bathmat, just to keep the Mother Of All Spiders at bay until he could get rid of her for me???? Heh.

  11. Tara

    In our house, I’m usually the official Spider Hunter–my hubby’s creeped out by them. (My technique involves squashing them in wadded-up tp, then flushing before they know what hit ’em)
    But flies and wasps/hornets/stingy things and snakes–those are ALL his. *shiver*

  12. Kimberly

    HAHA spiders are my MORTAL ENEMIES and thanks to the comments on this post (ahem babies coming out of mommy spiders, spiders jumping or running straight at me) I am totally going to have nightmares tonight.
    I’m a little disappointed–I thought you were going to say you totally torched the f!!ers with your candle/hairspray blowtorch. Now THAT is what spiders deserve. 🙂

  13. Lessa

    HAHHAHA! That’s the way we kill em too! though I have to have my son do it/dispose of em. But I figure I spent YEARS protecting my late hubby from his irrational girlyfear of spiders (Seriously. he screamed like a GIRL and I’d have to go kill it FOR HIM! Otherwise – total manly man. but spiders? WUSSYGIRL!) that now that my son’s old enough – HE can do it. Heh.

  14. Melody

    Oh, Aussie rocks. I am so addicted to the scrunch spray for when I don’t have the patience to straighten my hair. Go with the waves, people.

  15. Lauren

    LOL! I once used packing tape to tape a huge spider to the floor because I was too scared to kill it. I love Aussie stuff, I use the mousse+leave in conditioner.

  16. April

    OH!!!! I am telling you all, DO NOT VACUUM UP THE SPIDERS ALIVE!!!!!! They crawl back out. Yes, yes they do.

  17. chickadee

    That is SO my method of creepy-crawly-killing. Also – will not touch ’em. Shortly after moving out on my own, I found a cockroach in my apartment. I sprayed him, covered him with a glass (which I subsequently used to hold spare change as I wasn’t going to drink out of it, no matter how many times I put it through the dishwasher) – and since there were no boys around, I left him there and avoided that corner of the room until I could get MY BOSS to come over and dispose of it for me. Shudder.

  18. geeky

    ha! i definitely killed a spider once (with Raid) and left it on my bathroom floor for over a month, because no way in hell was i getting close enough to pick it up!
    also, i use aussie hair spray! ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

  19. Melissa

    That reminds me of the time my roommate and I hairsprayed one of those giant flying cockroaches in our apartment, screaming the entire time. Do you think anyone came to see if we were ok? Hell no! We must have used half the can and then put a shoe on top of him. The next morning, when we tried to lift the shoe, it was stuck to the carpet. I pulled harder only to discover half of the roach was stuck to the carpet and the other half stuck to the shoe. Fileted cockroach….pretty.

  20. Stacey

    OMG! I LOVE your blog…… have I never seen it before… is a crime for sure and I should be in like blogger jail or something….

  21. Beth

    April! Surely there’s a story here. Do tell! I always tilt the hose so the spider doesn’t fall out of the attachment, so I don’t think any spiders have crawled out of my vacuum cleaner. But now you have me wondering… ;^)

  22. April

    I went to change the vacuum cleaner bag and when I opened up the compartment, there was this big, hairy biatch sitting there, alive and taunting me! She had climbed out of the bag, OMG, I screamed like a big ol’ girl, yes I did, LOL.

  23. girl

    Ain’t shit wrong with Aussie hairspray, yo. I prefer the “Dual Personality” stuff though. Like you said, it smells good and it’s affordable.
    As for spiders, I was coming out of the bathroom at work one night and saw one of those icky jumping, garden type spiders and hollered for the cashier that I work with to kill it. He apparently thought it would be REALLY FUNNY to pick it up instead and chase after me with it while I squealed like a little girl. As I was running away, I told him that if he valued his nuts, he’d get the hell away from me. I’m not afraid to kick a man in this babymakers.

  24. LotionBarBunny

    1. I just posted a few days ago about how my husband killed a spider using a lighter and furniture polish spray.
    2. I use Aussie and even wrote a whole review on it on my A Girl’s Gotta Spa blog.
    3. I hate that I have been so busy as to have to neglect getting my daily laugh from your blog.
    4. Guess what?
    5. I’m pregnant. 🙂
    xo Shannon

  25. Mia

    Well…My friend is so scared of spiders and one day she was tlkn to me on the computer and she was like goin crazy because a little tiny spider was in her dining room under a box. So I told her to go get a flyswat and kill it but I never heard what happened to her because she wouldnt mail me back. That fricken spider scared the hell out of her!!!!!!!!!!

  26. Iris

    strange misapprehension, I have frequently heard it represented as the small, so are his real riches, his real weekly revenue. His weekly revenue

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