Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes. Honestly? (Which, honestly? Is my new favorite word. And, honestly? It bugs the ever living crap out of my husband. But, honestly? The fact that it irritates me makes me want to use it all of the time because honestly? I’m a brat.) The birthday wishes that you all left here for me was my second favorite part of turning THIRTY FIVE. The best and most favorite part was the birthday card/present that my husband gave me in which he misspelled the word “beautiful.”
I swear. I love that man a little more everytime he tries to be “Romantic”. (And I use the word “tries” VERY LOOSELY.)
The truth is, I was feeling rather panicky and scared about turning 35. “Thirty five? That’s only FIVE away from forty! FORTY! OH MY GOD! My life is half over and I’m still renting a house and… fat! And OMG! I’ll never be young and pretty again!”
Those were the kinds of thoughts that were running through my head the night before I turned 35. Then, I read the most beautiful comment from The Beautiful Grace and everything changed.
Please, dollin, you’re not old. 105 is old. Anyone younger than that has a chance for growth, pleasure and love.
Love your age, dear Y. It’s who we are.
Trust me on this, Joy Readers. I speak from the vantage point of my happy, upbeat 51 year old self.
Those words gave me comfort and hope. Yes, HOPE! Because, you know how I tend to be “Dramatic”? I honestly (HONESTLY!) was feeling as though my life were almost over because…THIRTY FIVE! But after reading that comment, I tried to change my way of thinking. I kept repeating “105 is old! You’re only 35! You’re not old! Have fun! Enjoy life, you young thang, you!” I was like “Screw this I’m old crap! I’m going to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!”
To some people, that might mean “signing up to jump out of an airplane” or “go swimming with dolphins” but to me? It meant “Time to start eating fruit and get back to the gym!” So, I put on my stretchy yoga pants, I doubled up my sports bras, grabbed me a cup of that healthy stuff called “water” and headed for Aerobic Dance Class.
On the way there, I was positively motivated and feeling like “This is going to be The Year.”
The year I get healthy. The year I make peace with my body. For good. The year that I become a better mother. The year that I learn to forgive. The year that I let it all go.
Also? The year that I reclaim my title as The Greatest Aerobic Dancer to Have Ever Danced Aerobically.
I arrived to the gym to find out that Bitchy Step Class Wimmins had won and that the schedule was changed to accommidate their needs and wishes. If I sound bitter in saying that, your ears do not decieve you. I am bitter. Bitter that they got their way, bitter that because of them, I have to wait until 7:45pm to Dance Aerobically, bitter that “Steppers” have more “pull” then the “Aerobic Dancers.” I’m bitter that the woman who started the whole “we should change the schedule to better fit MY NEEDS” didn’t even show up to the damn class. I’M BITTER ABOUT ALL OF IT, MAN.
When the sculpting class was over, I excitedly made my way to the front of the class and waited for Anna The Instructor to acknowledge my presence. (I admit it, I LIVE for her acknowledgment.) She did and then, she acknowledged my desire to “live life to the fullest” by announcing that “tonight, we will do The Dirty Dance.”
THE DIRTY DANCE, PEOPLE.
I was in a state of “I’m so excited that my mouth is watering uncontrollably” for a good minute and a half, but then, I looked around the room and was like “OMG! I’m going to dirty dance with THESE WOMEN?”
Now, I don’t mean that in a judgemental way, I mean that in a “How am I going to be able to dance dirtly and sexily with women wearing spandex shorts and HEADBANDS?” And honestly? I was wearing a gray shirt with the word “EVERLAST” written in giant letters across my chest. Not the greatest attire to get one in the mood to Dance Dirty.
Still, I was more excited than one should be at the prospect of doing The Dirty Dance in the aerobics room at a cheesy little gym.
At first, it felt a little ackward. Touching my body whilst doing hops and hip thrusts in a room full of strangers in spandex is just… weird. But, after a few minutes, I started concentrating on the music and how it felt to move my body in that way and I really got into it.
I should be embarrassed to admit this, but there was a moment where I was bent over, running my hands up my thighs where I got a little choked up. I closed my eyes and let myself really get into the movement and I started to feel in tune with my body in a way that I never had and I could feel the tears welling up inside of me and was like “OMG Y NO! DO NOT CRY IN AEROBIC DANCE CLASS FOR THAT IS BEYOND DUMB AND JUST STOP THIS CHEESY CRAP RIGHT THIS MINUTE” and that was the EXACT MOMENT where I heard the words “Lick my pussy and my crack” and the love for my body that I felt inside of my soul vanished and was replaced with “OMG’S” and “HAHAH’S” Because OH MY GOD. AND HA HA HA!”
You see, Anna The Instructor is from Russia. She came to America only 9 months ago and didn’t know any English at all. She can speak it, but very broken and she has a hard time understanding many words. So, when I heard the Unedited version of This Song (OMG! THAT SONG!) blasting out of the speakers, I couldn’t help but think “Does she know what they’re saying? And that there are women here who will possibly be offended? ”
I was NOT offended. Infact, I was the OPPOSITE of offended, if there is such a thing. I was like “THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAVE EVER HAPPENED IN DANCE AEROBICS. Even better than The Dance Off because I was rubbing my legs and thrusting my hips whilst doing a “spanking” motion** to a song in which a woman is all My neck, my back lick my “OMG” and my “HAHA!”.
I wish you all could have been there. I’m telling you, it was awesome, people. Totally, purely, most defininetly AWESOME. I don’t know how I lived my life without this class for three entire months.
**I’m charging the batteries to my camera as I type this so that I can record myself doing That Move because HOLY CRAP! Air Spanking is dirt-ay!? I just hope I can get up the nerve to actually POST the footage because not sure that I want The Internet to see ALL OF THIS doing ALL OF THAT.