Inspired by my artistic rendition of a duck, I decided to take Gabby to the park to feed the ducks.

One thing you need to know is  I am the type of person who afraid of breaking rules (because I do not want to rot in jail, nor do I want to burn in hell.) I tell you this because there are signs that kindly ask you NOT to feed the ducks, listing such reasons as “feeding the ducks will make them lazy!”  After seeing that there were Do Not Feed The Ducks! signs, I became a little bit fearful of getting in trouble, so as we were walking to the pond I  hid the baggie which contained 2 pieces of bread on the inside of my shirt. I’m not sure who exactly what or who I was afraid of– they do not have guards watching over the pond. But you just never know. It’s entirely possible that there there are people posing as “private citizens” moseying near the pond, waiting to catch the duck feeding rule breakers!

We arrived at the pond without having been caught with our bag o’bread, and I continued to pretend as if we were only there to observe the pretty ducks and not to feed them. I looked around to make sure there weren’t any men in city uniforms around before I carefully took the bag of bread out from underneath my shirt.

Once I had determined the coast was clear, I reached inside of my shirt, whipped out the bread and starting rolling them into little balls so that Gabby could throw them to the ducks.
She threw her first little bread ball and 2 of the ducks who were close by swam up to eat the bread. Gabby went crazy, she started jumping up and down and squealing. “Duckies eat bread, mama! Duckies eating!” I don’t feed the ducks often, so I forgot that when you feed them, they get all loud and start communicating with the other ducks. The two ducks closest to us were all “quack, quack! The Humans have brought bread, come and get it while it’s fresh!” Within a matter of seconds, two  ducks turned into ten ducks. Then, ten ducks turned into what seemed like hundreds of ducks. They were all quacking in what I  perceived to be a very aggressive manner.

I was trying to remain calm, because, seriously, they’re just ducks! However, I was a little terrified on the inside because I wasn’t supposed to be feeding them and there they were, making it TOTALLY OBVIOUS that we were feeding them. Someone really needs to talk to the ducks about that. If they would like The Humans to continue to feed them illegally, they really need to learn how to keep it on the down low.

Stupid ducks.

At one point, one of the ducks got tired of fighting for the bread and just jumped out of the water, unto the sidewalk and right up to me and Gabby. “WHOA, there, little buddy! Get back into the water please.” (I actually said that. Out loud. And I meant it.) I had never seen a duck do that before and it kinda freaked me out. Do the ducks not fear The Humans? Apparently, they do not. All of a sudden, one by one, the ducks started hoping out of the water and walking right up to me and Gabby. The scary thing was (haha, I said “scary” while speaking of “ducks”) that they were looking right at the bag in my hand as they were walking directly towards me. I swear I heard one of them say “You better have enough for all of us, bitch!”

I jumped up, grabbed my daughter and um, kind of started to run away, but in that way where one is trying to play it off as if they’re not terrified of getting killed by a gang of ducks. You know what I mean? I was trying to be all “Ok! We’re leaving because we are totally done feeding the ducks! No, seriously! We’re not afraid of the ducks at all! How lame would that be? HAHA!” Apparently, I am a bad at pretending not to be scared  because two girls who were close by started laughing  and one of them was all “Look! That girl is afraid of the ducks!”

There was nothing I could do at that point, except to turn around and admit my fear to the women who were so openly mocking me. “Did you see that? I got so scared, all of those ducks coming at me, I was afraid they were going to bite my daughter.

(Think of The Children! THE CHILLLLDREEENNNN.)

I was pretty shook up as we walked away from the pond. I realize how stupid that must sound, since I am talking about DUCKS. Not alligators. Not Tigers. DUCKS!! But, I had no idea ducks were so aggressive and unafraid of humans. I so did not expect them to hop out of the water and get all up in my grill like that.

Effing ducks, man.

80 thoughts on “OMG! DUCKS!

  1. Heather

    I feel your fear! I once lost a hurdle race in high school track b/c there was a canadian goose near one of my hurdles and it came after me so I stopped running the race and ran the opposite direction!

  2. Laurie

    i don’t normally comment, but i have to say that you had me rolling in laughter with that story. my boss is all wondering what i’m up to because i’m giggling every few seconds. you are seriously a fantastic writer and i felt like i was sitting on a bench watching you and your daughter get assaulted by the ducks!

  3. zorgon

    Good thing there weren’t geese. You would not have survived. You did the right thing. Remember: they are dinosaurs. I had to show the kids “Jurassic Park” to get them to eat turkey again. “It’s THEM or US, KIDS! WHITE MEAT OR DARK?”

  4. Kathy

    Dude if it makes you feel any better… I recently went to feed ducks near my house with Reilly and they got all up in my grill and I started to SHAKE MY FOOT AT THEM as if to say “Back off or I am going to punt you into next Tuesday.”
    They weren’t scared. They looked at me like “Woman, just give me the bread and no one gets bit, ok?”

  5. Ashley

    Well, your fears weren’t totally crazy!
    I got bit by a goose at the age of 4, a duck at 5, and attacked by a really persistent swan at 6.
    But, in all fairness, the duck bit me because I was poking it. Repeatedly. I had no adult supervision.
    But the goose and the swan? Totally unwarranted! They were just crazy.

  6. Cheryl in Missouri

    Geese, roosters and ducks….be afraid…be very very afraid (speaking from first hand experience too).

  7. Sadie

    Y, I am scared of swarming ducks too. They quack loudly! And walk like zombies! And they have those snapping bills! And they were coming towards your daughter – I would have hightailed it out of there too. So hmmpphh to those laughing bitches!
    Also, this slayed me:
    here they were, making it TOTALLY OBVIOUS that we were feeding them. Someone really needs to talk to the ducks about that. If they would like The Humans to continue to feed them illegally, they really need to learn how to keep it on the down low.

  8. Rachael

    Once, when visiting my mom, we decided to take Eva to SEE the ducks at the local community college. We came with NO FOOD whatsoever. Nothing even resembled food. Just the three of us, no jackets, purses, or bags of any kind.. I kid you not, we had not even walked through the parking lot yet, and they were running up towards us quacking like crazy. By the time we got to the sidewalk, we freaked out and started walking away from them.

  9. Flipp-ay

    Once you’ve been bitten by a parrot, you will never fear ducks again. Come on over and stick your fingers in a cage…then you’ll go back to the ducks as a fearless bread bearer.

  10. Eliza

    When we lived near the water, a sea gull once landed on the deck rail near the kitchen door. I fed it bread and the kids named it “Roger.” It came every morning for a week and I fed it bread. Then it brought friends. There was no way I was going to allow a dozen sea gulls to shit on my deck. So no bread ever again. And they went away. Stupid sea gull.

  11. robin

    OMG that was so funny! You are so good at putting that picture in my head where I can totally see it. I had a similar experience with ducks and geese one time all ganging up on me and my bag of bread too. Freaked me out. I don’t feed them now either. Yeah, they’re just ducks and all, but when they’re all coming at you, it’s scary!

  12. Kellie

    In between laughing my arse off, I’m trying to tell you that you are NOT silly!! I had a similar experience with ducks and felt like the biggest moron running like a pack of hooligans with guns were chasing me. Sorry to laugh but, that WAS funny and it brought back a (now) funny memory!!

  13. Paula

    I too, fear the ducks, there is a pond in my neighborhood that they all hang out at and “claimed”, but I fear the Wild Turkeys that roam around my neighborhood even more though. They are some scary looking skanky wild turkeys that will scare you until you run away screaming like a loony. ::::shiver::::

  14. Julianna

    haha! Thanks for making me smile 🙂 Day 2 of dealing with in-law death isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds. On the other hand, I love ducks. Ducks are fun to feed 🙂 And as a funny aside, my students one day asked me– “what is ‘suck my duck?'” To which I laughed really hard and loudly and informed them they had the wrong word for that phrase.

  15. kimberly

    Hoo, been there! You are totally justified in fearing the ducks. I used to think, “Oh, how fun it will be to take my children to feed the duckies!”
    Then we had a duck-couple that came to our house once. We fed them and they Would.Not.Leave. We couldn’t leave the house without bread in our hands to throw the other way as we ran into the minivan! Bad ducks. 🙂 Glad you got away OK!

  16. Nina

    I just almost peed on my couch. hahaha
    I don’t like animals at all. The only thing I will even get near is a dog or cat. Otherwise? They better stay away from me!

  17. Dani

    Well, see here’s the thing. If they get all up in your grill and say, bite you, you could send Pighunter down there! And then he could bring home ducks to be all up on your BBQ grill!

  18. Brandi

    First of all, OMFG, you are hilarious! I read your blogs to my husband most of the time because he keeps asking me what I am laughing at.
    Second, ducks can be aggressive. I grew up on the Texas coast and we always had ducks and, as children, they put us on the run many times. We have a lake similar to what you visited today and we feed the ducks there. When they swarm, it still takes me back to that time in my life where they would chase after us just for a laugh (I swear I heard them laughing).
    Just think, if nothing else, you made others at the pond smile today. 🙂

  19. Stacey

    OMG, that was the funniest thing I’ve read all day. You are hilarious! You may have some animal issues…first bees, now ducks? Maybe it’s a thing about GROUPS of animals. And if it makes you feel better, I am scared of fish. And not just big fish in the lake, but also goldfish in a bowl. I will NOT clean fish bowls because I hate having to transfer the fish to another container, even if it is with a net. Freaks me the hell out.

  20. blurry

    Ducks can be scary. I once witnessed two ducks holding another one underwater. They were trying to kill him! I mean it wasn’t attempted murder on a human, but still.

  21. Karen Rani

    One time, (at band camp – not really), I was riding a horse and a duck bit the horse leg and the horse threw me. It explains alot, no? *twitch twitch*

  22. clumsyraine

    (I’m afraid that might have been more “rape” than “murder”!)
    I feel so sad for you! Feeding the ducks is illegal?? Wow, it totally isn’t here, and we absolutely love to feed them. Here’s how you handle (and learn to enjoy!) the swarming ducks: Take about 6 loaves of 50 cent bread. pull it out 3 or 4 slices at a time, so when you tear off a one-inch section, you’re actually getting 3 or 4 bites at a time. Then, you TOSS THEM away from you 😉
    I used to be scared to death of the swarm, but my husband got me to like them. Now, we’ll sit down a few feet from the edge of the water to get them to come to us; after getting most of their attention directed elsewhere (TOSS!), we handfeed a few of them. It’s really alot of fun!
    (Take PigHunter with you so you’ll feel safer though!)

  23. Lisa

    Oh, man, I can’t even tell you how much I needed the laugh I got from this story. Hahaha!! Seriously though, that is the real reason not to feed the ducks at the pond. They are Brave when they outnumber you! And truly, geese are much worse – they’ll totally chase you and bite you as you run like hell. Fucking geese.

  24. DebbieS

    ROFL I totally get you! At least they weren’t as bad as Canadian geese. I grew up in NJ and a flock of geese used to block the entrance to the library at my college. I had to swing my huge backpack in front of me menacingly so they would let me through!

  25. Amalah

    A goose bit me when I was a kid. I am still scared to death of birds. Birds are MEAN, dude.
    (You shoulda smacked them ducks with a BEEFLOG.)

  26. Tammy

    OHMIGOD Woman!!! You have me rolling on the floor. Unfortunately, I am at work and the entire upstairs office heard my guffaw and snort!
    I think my boss will be calling me into his office soon. I am hoping that emailing him a link to your blog and having him read it, will save my ass. LOL. Only you Y, only you!!!

  27. Jen

    Dude, you saved G’s life out there. My mom took me and my 2 little brothers to illegally feed the ducks when we were small, and my littlest brother was about Gabby’s age. He was sweetly feeding the ducks, and then they got all agressive, and a swan who seemed to be their leader jumped out of the water and grabbed the bread he was tearing up and throwing to them right out his hand. He got scared, and fell backward onto his butt and started to cry, but oh — the ducks were not having any of his “I’m scared, please leave me alone” act. They wanted more bread. He had another slice in his other hand, and one of the ducks BIT HIM as it tried to steal it away from the rest of the advancing herd.
    Fucking ducks is right. Evil, evil creatures.

  28. Justme

    Wow you brought back memmories lol. I too got bit by a duck when I was 4. Still have the little scar on my pinkie finger to prove it! Scared my inerds for life dude! My kids all laugh at me to this day because I keep a good space between me and those bitches!

  29. sarcastic journalist

    I have a serious dislike of ducks, especially The Evil Ducks that will stop at nothing to get the bread out of your hand.
    This is one of my favorite posts of yours, ever.
    Also? If you think ducks are bad, try feeding geese. Geese are straight from The Devil.

  30. p

    Ducks seriously are awful, as are geese. Male ducks rape female ducks. It’s true. I bet the two ducks were holding down a female one underwater so they could gang-rape her. And they’re murderers! I saw a duck kill a small swallow-type bird in Boston Common once, just lifting it up in its beak and slamming it down. The crowd I was in couldn’t stop it because they were behind a fence. It was horrifying. I hate ducks. And geese. But I love foie gras and a nice roasted duck on my plate. I don’t feel bad for the little monsters at all. You saved G’s life!

  31. Suburban Turmoil

    Ducks can be very scary. Every time I feed them, I end up running. Every, every time. And I know I’m not alone. Didn’t Liz Phair sing, “Duck and Run,” after all?
    That was bad. Sorry.

  32. Tammy

    I can’t believe how many people hate ducks. All of your readers are a bunch of duck-haters. It’s hilarious. Maybe there should be a duck-haters-anonymous group online or something. Who knew? And here I’m all about talking like Donald to the monkey … I better stop before she’s scarred for life!

  33. J

    Oh man, I hate them too. I’m scared of them!
    There is a pond thing behind one of the families I babysit for’s house and the Mom was like, “Hey take little Zoe out to feed the ducks!” and I was all, “HEY! HOW ABOUT NOT!”.
    Okay, not really. I took her but the girl was so tired, she passed out in the stroller before we got to the pond so I was able to run..I MEAN, walk, past the ducks ever so casually and back to the house to put her in bed.

  34. Reese

    I feel your fear as well, I too am scared of the ducks. More so the swans, but they get all sorts of loud and demanding when you start to feed them. Sigh. So much so, they bit my little brother on the finger. LOL, it wasn’t funny at the time; but thinking back, it’s pretty funny now.

  35. Cary

    I feel your paint. I am slightly scared of ducks. I got bit by a duck once trying to feed it. Now I understand why they have those signs not to feed them. Anyhow, ducks hurt if they bite you!

  36. Nancy

    I took my daughters down to the lake at a park to just look at some geese. It ended with us backing away, and me telling my oldest to walk away quickly as I winged my Birk sandal at them.
    NOT to be trusted!

  37. CharmingDriver

    Not to be all anti-duckite but you were totally right to be scared; ducks are scary aggresive especially when they have no natural fear. They are also ridiculously sexually aggresive with each other when they are in season. I lurve animals, honestly, but at the end of they day it’s all about the food chain and I’m not taking chances on getting taken down by something with a bill that waddles.

  38. Kay

    I had a cousin that was killed by a swarm of ducks when he was 3.
    Ok, not really, just wanted to make you feel better. But Geese scare the beejezzus outta me. I had an incident once involving a merry go round, a 6 month old baby in my arms and a husband rolling on the ground laughing his ass off.
    It wasn’t pretty.

  39. lomara

    I had no idea waterfowl were so aggressive until I began reading the comments here! Wow.
    My one and only experience feeding birds at a park happened in 2002 in the UK. My friend wanted to hang out in the park and feed the birds at this pond. I think they were swans or geese — all I know is they were big and black mofos.
    We brought loaves of bread and planted ourselves on a bench. My friend wanted to just toss them tiny bits of bread, but I just grabbed a handful of slices and started flinging them frisbee-style over the water. Man you haven’t seen anything til you’ve seen big waterfowl stomp the crap out of each other in a pond while going after slices of bread flying overhead. It was hilarious and while I laughed like a maniac-bread-flinger I got yelled at by my friend. (He grabbed the bread from me with a stern “Ere. Gimme that.” Hee.)
    In hindsight I’m kind of glad my friend made me stop before the big black mofos figured out who had the bread and came after me with snapping beaks! Scary.

  40. missbanshee

    I got bitten by a goose AND a swan as a child, and had to FLEE from geese when I was a nanny with the kid in my arms to keep him from being devoured. Evil water fowl!

  41. Chookooloonks

    Dude, I had a duck ATTACK MY CAR once. He was waddling across the street, and then just STOOD in front of my car. I honked my horn, he QUAAAAACKED back. I honked again. He CHARGED. I got out of my car to shoo him, he CHARGED ME. I jumped back in my car, and actually had to reverse and drive AROUND him.
    So I totally believe you. You were right to flee.

  42. Kyla

    You laugh…but when I was a freshman, a girl came to school with a HUGELY swollen lip, turns out she was BIT BY A DUCK. Yeah. It happens. Crazy little buggers.

  43. Belinda

    Um, yeah…I have actually hit a rooster with a shovel. I didn’t WANT to, but, well, OK, that’s a lie. I totally wanted to, because he was COMING RIGHT AT ME, spurs-first!
    But the worst part of that story is that, the shovel-whacking? Didn’t. Even. Slow him DOWN. I actually locked myself in a horse stall and waited for help, while he stalked me from outside, pacing back and forth and clucking angrily, like, “You’re gonna have to come out sooner or later…”

  44. Lindy

    Ducks are mean & wicked. They are minions from hell. They carry disease & have beaks that can bite through bones. Run, Y, Run!
    Although they are cute little buggers when you stuff them and float them in the tub.

  45. PK

    Oh, honey, don’t feel bad. I totally got bit by the ducks a couple times as a kid, and dang! It hurts! So it isn’t crazy to be a little bit duck-shy.
    I got chased by a crazy-ass squirrel once, does that count?

  46. Shari

    I am pissing my pants laughing at you right now… you always make me laugh, but this was priceless. Before I go on, I just want to say I am very glad your daughter and yourself avoided physical harm from the ducks, which had become aggressive because YOU WERE FEEDING THEM. LMAO
    People are IDIOTS. What, you don’t know jack about wildlife? Oh! Well here’s an idea, maybe pay attention to and obey the rules made up by PEOPLE WHO DO. This goes for the million comments before mine! OMG people.
    I cannot stop laughing. Idiots. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

  47. wordnerd

    Okay, I can laugh at you because I’ve been there. I’ve been chased by an insane (and I mean freakin’ INSANE) goose as well as being chased out of a cemetery by a cow.
    Scary, scary shit.

  48. vickie

    you are right to be afraid, be very afraid. I once ran from geese who are WAY more aggressive than
    ducks. i was terrified and felt like I was in a hitchcock movie. I literally ran away from them. You should have thrown the bread onto the laps of the “teasers” and let the ducks go attack them.

  49. Edie

    I went with my friend and his daughter to feed the ducks/geese once and I was SCARED of them but the daughter who was about 5 at the time told me not to be afraid because they wouldn’t bite me. So I held down a piece of bread VERY cautiously because OMG! GOOSE! And ahem, he DID bite me. Well, by “bite” I mean his beak touched my hand and I shrieked like a sissy and ran back to the car.

  50. Kristie

    Just wondering if your duck-therapy is taking a little longer than expected, and if we can hope you will update again soon! 🙂
    Hope your absence means you are making fabulous strides in your search for a new house …. or spending all your time at Best Buy researching your new camera purchse ….. or doing *something* fun for the holidays!

  51. Me

    Have you been abducted? Or maybe Pighunter is completely recovered and you’ve been celebrating?
    Or maybe your father found your website and confronted you on the Thanksgiving holiday and now you’re lost to us forever Waaahhhhh.
    Come back. Please?

  52. Erika

    OMG rotflmao PIMP
    on the real tho, don’t feed pelicans either. THEY ARE MEAN!! My grandfather was on the pier and was tossing little fishies into the water to feed the other bigger fishies (ironic huh? here eat your peers!) anywho, a big pelican was watching and swooped down next to us, grandpa thought it was funny, until he took his eyes off the pelican 🙂 BOY did he get bit… I thought he was gonna fall off the pier from shock, or worse, kick the pelican (rightfully so, we are the superior!)
    but ya, I think the sign “please do not feed the ducks” is simply because they know they are mean and would prefer not to have a stampede of women and children running through the park hollering “the ducks, the ducks are gonna get me!”

  53. Scoot

    Holy crap, there had better be one hell of an update when it finally gets here. The waiting is killing me…

  54. Shelby

    That was hysterical. But honestly? Having a sign not to feed the ducks because they will get LAZY is not as effective a deterrent as stating THEY WILL SWARM YOUR ASS AND TRY TO KILL YOU.
    Anyway, if you do decide to feed the ducks again, maybe you should bring a lacrosse stick or somthing so that you can fling them away from you if they get too close.

  55. Rhi

    Ducks these days! One of my fondest memories as a little girl is of feeding the ducks with my dad. BUT, I tried to do this with my oldest niece about 8 or so years ago. AT the VERY SAME PARK that I fed the ducks with my dad at. And, they were mean, and we were scared.

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