What’s my name?

Yesterday, I needed to do a little grocery shopping, but I did not feel like taking a shower or putting on clean clothes. That didn’t stop me though. I just picked up the clothes that I had worn the night before, washed my face, brushed my teeth and headed on out to Vons.
The truth is, I don’t really care what I look (or smell) like when I go to the grocery store because, well, it’s the grocery store. I’m there to buy cheese and beef, not pick up hot guys or make new friends! So what if I have toothpaste stains on my shirt or if I smell like butt!
I was about halfway through my shopping list when I heard someone say “Excuse me…”
I ignored it the first time, because I didn’t think they were talking to me. Then I heard it again.
“Excuse me…”
I turned around and saw a woman with a beautiful little girl in her shopping cart.
“Yes?” I said.
“Hi. Are you Y from The Internet?”
(Swear to God, she actually said those exact words and I have the email to prove it.)
I wasn’t quite sure what to say because “Y from The Internet!!!
I’m not mocking her, because it was sweet and cute and also a little weird because OMG! SOMEONE RECOGNIZED ME FROM MY BLOG! CERAAAAZEEE!”
I think I said “Yes! I am! Hi!”
Or something creative and witty like that.
She went on to tell me how she recognized me, but wasn’t sure, but then she saw “G-Unit” (omg! I call her that on The Internet! And she just used it! Weiiiiird.) and just knew it was me and how she was so nervous but how she couldn’t let me walk by without saying hi.
Because I am a complete jackass, and felt bad that she was nervous to say hi to me, I reached over the display of boxes of cereal and HUGGED HER.
That was wrong on so many different levels. First of all, what if she hated hugs? What if she was uncomfortable with contact from strangers (from The Internet). What if she is allergic to the smell of Ripe Pits?
I couldn’t help it though, my “Impulsive/Gets Overly Excited Easily” disorder took ahold of my arms and compelled me to reach out and hug her! And as soon as I did it, I felt stupid and wanted to say sorry, but didn’t because that would have made it even worse.
She was very nice and actually hugged me back, which made me feel better about having lost all control of my hugging mechanism like that. However, it wasn’t long before my Jackass reared it’s ugly head again. I actually asked her THIS question.
“Not to be egotistical or anything like that, but (are you ready for this!?!) how did you find my blog?
It actually hurt me to type that out because it’s so LAME.
Seriously. Why did I stop with that question?
“Do you like my blog?”
“Do you think my blog is pretty?”
“Do you ever think about my blog during the day?”
“Would you like my autograph?”
“Does my blog make you hornay?”
We talked for a few minutes and then I told her she should email me sometime. And she did, which was really great because I was sure the hug combined with the stupid question scared her off.
Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I’ve got, I’m still, I’m still Y from The Internet.
Anyway, Lori, if you’re reading this, thanks for saying hi and for being so nice and um, sorry about the body odor.
(You’re probably all “enough with this story! SHUTUP AND SCAN SOME PICTURES ALREADY!” And I’m all “did someone say ‘scan some pictures? I thought you’d never bring that up!”)
When I was pregnant with G-Unit, my husband said one of the greatest things anyone has ever said in reference to My Ass. He said he loved it and that he could “totally rest his cup on it.
I knew what he meant, like, it was just so out there that it drove him crazy and also, made him want to place a cup on it.
However, I didn’t realize how right he was about the whole “resting a cup on my ass” thing until yesterday.
My ass was seriously begging for someone to place a cup of hot brew on it. I had no idea! I mean, I knew it was big and that it probably deserved it’s own Social Security Number, but I didn’t realize how it “POPPED.”
Like, here’s my ass. “POW!”
(I also didn’t realize on that day that I was singing at my brother’s wedding that my hair matched the wall paneling of my dad’s church!)
I spent a lot of time hating that ass you see right there, but man, what I wouldn’t give to have it back. It no longer gives off the “place a cup on it” vibe. It’s more of a “if you get too close, I will swallow you whole and EAT YOU FOR DINNER” vibe.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, because having an ass that is capable of swallowing people whole could actually come in useful someday.
Think about it.

42 thoughts on “What’s my name?

  1. Mom2One

    You are a celebrity! Can I have your autograph?
    (that is, if I lived close enough to ever run into you in the grocery store! *pout*!)

  2. ben

    I am so jealous. Even your ass (whatever size it is) is funnier and more exciting than me.
    On a different note, I never know when to hug somebody I’ve just met, probably because I have a penis and I’m afraid I’ll get sued or arrested or something. Girls can hug each other all they want, but if I ran into somebody for the first time at the grocery store and just gave her a giant bear hug, I’d likely get maced. At least that’s what I’m afraid of (so I don’t give hugs to anyone, even relatives. I just don’t)

  3. The Real Kyla

    If it had been me in the grocery store, I would have been like:
    “Are you Y from the Internet? I saw G and still wasn’t sure…but then I saw your boobs? And thought ‘Yeah, its totally her.'”
    And for the record? If anyone ever recognized me or KayTar? I would feel equally socially retarded, I’m sure.

  4. Itchy

    I would have been very weird and excited and very much “OMG! Y!! Are you Y? WOW!” and then you’d not want to hug me. Because I’d be just that excited! : )

  5. Jamie

    The latte on the booty is hilarious! You are on a roll with the scanned priceless moments.
    And if anyone recognized me from my blog I would probably be, for the first time in my life, rendered speechless and then trip and then knock an entire display of soup cans down or something incredibly awkward. Yer famous!

  6. Lori

    I’m the Lori that Y refers to in this post. I’m the giant dork who chased down a stranger in the grocery store to tell her I read her blawg!
    Y was totally cool and took the time to talk to me when she could have been all, “Sorry, I’m famous on the Internets and I don’t have time for you, dork!” But she was very sweet and complimented my daughter and took a few minutes out of her busy day to take an interest in a fan. Now I’m famous by association, because she wrote about ME on her blawg!!
    She did ask how I found her site, and I think I said something vaguely coherent about Dooce and Amalah, but the whole time we were talking I couldn’t stop thinking, “It’s really Y from the Internet! She’s really, really real! She doesn’t live inside my laptop!”
    By the way, Y was neither smelly nor dumb.. She was sweet and charming, and very pretty. Hey Y, if you don’t tell people you’re in yesterday’s clothes, they’ll never know!!! Also, I thought the hug was sweet!

  7. Lori

    Forgot to add, Y, don’t feel bad about having hugged me whilst not being just-showered fresh. I went to the grocery store in the same clothes I had just cleaned house in! After all, it’s just the “grocery store”, right??!! There’s no chance I’ll run into someone FAMOUS!!! I was mortified!!

  8. Joelle

    When I met Kira for the first time, she squealed and said, “OMG! Oh. MY GOD! I can’t believe it! You’re JOELLE?! Omg! I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity.”
    You can ask her — I thought she was out of her damn mind. Now she’s a very close friend. 🙂 Funny how that works.
    Also? “Y of the Internet” We need to get you a Xena costume or something. Minus pit smell.

  9. Joelle

    I should probably clarify that I am clearly not a celebrity. Unless you count at my favortie gay bar where I can totally do a “Blow Job” shot faster than any boy there.
    And, dude, I told you you’re all famous n’ shizzle. 🙂

  10. Y

    oh my god. NOT famous! I just happen to have pictures of myself plastered on the internet, and someone happened to recognize me!
    I mean, if I were famous, I would have money! And pretty clothes, right? RIGHT?
    I have to admit, if she had asked me to teach how to do The Monkey, I would have.

  11. Laura

    That’s so neat! I’m bummed you guys didn’t take a picture of the meeting with a cell phone camera or something.
    I had something similar happen about a year ago – someone hollered at me from across the mall – “Hey, Laura! LaLaGirl! Twinfinite Chaos! I know that stroller!!” Hehe! It was weird. But cool. And my head grew three sizes that day!

  12. Della

    I am so jealous! I’d love to run into you in the store, Y! and if for some reason I ever do, I’d be the one to freak you out by hugging you…I too am a victim of Extreme Excitement. So if some frizzy haired chick ever comes running at you screaming “OMG!! Y!!!” and then jumps you, it might just be me….But then again, I don’t live anywhere that has famous people…so you are in luck!

  13. Karly

    Dude! You’re famous!
    And your butt reminds me of this girl I knew in high school…we lovingly called her ghetto-booty. 😉

  14. Melissa

    What if someone asked you to do the worm upon meeting you in the grocery store? That would be awesome and totally make my day.

  15. Lisa

    I’m jeaaaallllousssss! To run into you at the store would require me to buy a plane ticket and I’m not sure that my hubby would understand spending that kind of money to peruse grocery stores in southern California. Boo.
    Hey, when I got your email with the spinach dip recipe in it, you’d of thought I got an email from Oprah or something. That’s how excited I was. I still have it, although I’ll admit that I kept it because I’m too lazy to get paper and actually write the recipe down! 😀

  16. Marmite Breath

    I am going to start shopping at Vons in SoCal. This is going to be hard, because I live in Nebraska, but I want to meet Y. From the Internets. Oh man, how dorky am I going to be at Blogher if I meet all my Internets heroines??

  17. Karen Rani

    That happened to me in a restaurant here last year.
    I think being Y from the Internet rocks way more than being Jenny from the block. 🙂
    Nice ass, beyotch.

  18. jonniker

    I can’t really tell you how much more I love you now that I know you hugged her, and I thought I was at MAXIMUM LOVE CAPACITY, because I already really really loved you. I don’t know, that’s just SO DAMN CUTE. You hugged her! Over the cereal boxes! That’s awesome! And that’s just what I would expect you to do.

  19. Mrs. Flinger

    OH, gawd, if someone recognized me I’m sure the first thing they’d say was, “oh! I read that post about your v-a-g-i-n-a” because all of them are about my hayhay. I swear to god.
    But seriously, I think it’s cute she said Hi. And dude, how can you not say hi to “Y from the Internet.” Who has a lovely cup-holding-ass? You’re, like, famous and stuff!

  20. nila

    You are a very deserving blogebrity. Your posts always make me laugh out loud, literally. People at work think I’m a little weird for it.

  21. Sarah

    Surely I’m not the only one who doesn’t think that the “how did you find my blawg?” question is dumb. I’d have asked that too!

  22. ~Candy

    For once, I’m glad no-one reads my stuff. I so totally wouldn’t want to be recognized in the grocery store… or worse the club or worser-er….my real job! ahhh!

  23. andrudeness

    That totally rocks! I would hug too. And jump. And probably work some sort of annoying mess of words like Y! OMG! I LOVE BLOG! YOU! I love you AND your blog.
    And all I can say about the amazingly close hair color to the walls and the perfectly placed latte?
    HOT MAMA! (And damn I wish I could tan like you.)

  24. Audrey

    That’s what my ass looked like BEFORE I got pregnant (I call it my “ghetto bootie). I am dreading to see what it looks like after Baby arrives.

  25. Susan

    You’re so fucking hilarious, I swear! If I ever see you in the grocery store (highly unlikely, since I live like 150 miles away), I would hope you’d hug me too.
    Okay, you’re probably like OMG, creepy stalker chick! Get the hell away from me! now, huh?
    Sorry. A handshake or even a nod would suffice.

  26. Susan

    I was in a Banana Republic recently, and a woman said to me, “Uh, excuse me, do you have a blog?”
    And I said “Whazzat? Huh? WHO?”
    So now she’s all embarassed and she says again, “Um, do. you. have. a. blog.” You know, VERY SLOWLY.
    And I said, “OH! A BLOG! YES! YES, I DO!”
    So she tells me that she recognized me from my Flickr pictures, and then says, “Oh my god I’ve just been looking at your SHOES!”
    And I said (I swear to you), “Yes! I have shoes on today, too!”
    But I did not hug her. So I’ve got that going for me.

  27. Mom101

    I love that you hugged her! I think that’s way cooler than being an aloof beyatch who couldn’t give her the time of day. I look forward to getting a Y from the Internet hug myself in the coming weeks.

  28. Elizabeth

    You are so funny, and gorgeous! I hope I see you at BlogHer this summer so I can yell “oh my God it’s Y FROM THE INTERNET” and then reach over a table of drinks to hug you.

  29. Alice-Anne

    I read you all the time, but I rarely get to comment. And I am always so far down the lsit you probably don’t see them, but this one had me laughing out load sitting in a room by myself.
    And just so you know, I do like your blog. I do think your blog is pretty and I do think of your blog during the day ( I mean sometimes, but not like I’m, OCD about, so don’t be scared).
    I had friends that once worked with a girl with a shelf butt (WAY bigger that yours). I happened to be at a party they all attended and I almost sent Vodka Collins out my nose when she came and stood with her back to us and Ben (the friend)whispered in my ear “If she’s gonna have a butt like that, she should at least provide coasters.” Oddly this was also in SoCa–must be the water.

  30. Arianne

    That’s funny because I once thought I saw you at Target in Alhambra (I have no idea if you live anywhere near there) and I was too scared to say anything. I thought you’d think me a stalker. Now I know I was missing out. 🙂 Unless, of course, it wasn’t really you. Let’s just pretend it was.

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