The New Adventures of Old Christine: Part One

I didn’t sleep much on Sunday night.
I couldn’t stop obsessing over which question I would ask. I wanted it to be The Perfect Question. Funny, intelligent, thought provoking. I was going to take this opportunity very seriously.
By the time midnight rolled around, I had decided “the hell with intelligent and thought provoking, I’m just going to ask them if they’ve ever taken Aerobic Dance class and if anyone wanted to take me on in a dance off!”
I arrived a few minutes early and met Self-made Mom and Manic Mommies. They were very nice and also completely unaware of who I was. Joy Unexpected WHAT? Y from the Internet WHO?
And you people think I’m popular.
Beth, the women who put this event together, came out to greet us and take us to the set of The New Adventures of Old Christine. The first thing that I noticed once we were on the set was this little table with place cards that said things like “JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS” and “WANDA SYKES.”
Across from that table, I noticed a few chairs, with bottles of water placed on top of them.
I realized that this was where we were going to conduct our little “interview.” I had NO idea it was going to be so intimate and that we were going to be so close to the actors. In my mind, I had pictured us sitting in the place where the audience usually sits and the actors sitting on the set. I imagined they’d hand us a microphone and the actors would have to squint their eyes to see where we were.
Man, was I wrong.

I know that you’re probably thinking “Big deal! They’re just people!”
I know this and yet Julie Louis-Dreyfus! And Wanda Sykes! Sitting right across a table from me! It was very intimidating.
We had to do a few things which I will keep a secret for now (but you will SEE later) before the cast arrived to do the interview.
I was very nervous and was completely aware of the fact that I was the fattest person in the building. (And there were two very pregnant women there, folks.) But, everyone on the set was so warm and friendly, that I was totally OK with being The Big Chub.
Until I realized there was a dude following us around with a video camera. Then I became very self conscience and tried very hard to not be caught standing alone. When you see the video. (Yes, there will be a video) I’m pretty sure that every time you see me, I will be running to hide behind someone. I actually thought about running out of the building, until I saw Liz walk in. If she wasn’t pregnant, I would have knocked her to the ground and licked her all over.
Instead, I ran up and hugged her and immediately started annoying her by repeatedly saying things like “Oh my God, I’m so nervous.” “Oh my God, look how close we’re sitting to the cast.” “Oh my God, I don’t know what to ask them.”
She was very gracious and kind to me. She held my hand (or more like I grabbed her hand and wouldn’t let go)and she really did help to put me (somewhat) at ease.
The moment we had been waiting for finally arrived and we were asked to “take a seat.” The cast walked in and when I saw Julia, I let out a very loud GASP because whoa, she was beautiful. I’ve always thought she was cute, but in person? She’s gorgeous. Her skin was perfect, her hair was amazing, her teeth were pearly gems from heaven, her body was tiny and tight. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.
Actually, every single person up there was beautiful. And so were their teeth. My GOD, THE TEETH.
After they took their seats, I felt a wave of nervousness take over my entire body. I started to shake and I could feel the gas welling up deep within me. I immediately wrote a note to myself.
Note to self: Don’t fart.
I honestly felt like I couldn’t breathe because “Oh my GOD, in a few minutes they are going to hand me a mic and I have NO IDEA WHAT IN THE HELL I’M GOING TO ASK THESE PEOPLE.”
Liz went just before me and as she asked her question, I was about to shit my pants because I knew that I was next and I still didn’t have a freaking question to ask. And just as I was about to start crying, THE GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER HAPPENED. The following words came out of the mouth of Wanda Sykes. “I’ll do anything for a laugh, I’ll fart on stage…”
Wanda said FART!
Suddenly, everything was right with the world.
As soon as Liz handed me the microphone, I was all “omigod I’m so nervous and its funny you brought up FARTING, Wanda, because I wrote a little note here to myself that says DON’T FART because ha! Ha! Ha! I get really gassy when I’m nervous! Ha! Haaaaaa! And so if you think someone may have… well, it was probably me! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
(They’ll be audio proof of that to share with you all very soon.)
Dudes, they were laughing! LAUGHING! Especially Clark Gregg who actually put his head down on the table, but I think his was more of a “Oh MY GOD NO SHE DI’INT” kind of laugh.” Obviously, he had never read my blog because hello! I talk about my nervous gas all of the time!
Fart Talk: The Great Ice Breaker!
Once I had everyone laughing, I no longer felt pressure or nervous and the words just started flowing from my mouth.
I told them that I wrote for a blog called Joy Unexpected and that I had very dedicated readers who knew I was there and how I wanted to take something back to them that would interest them and then, I proceeded to ask a Very Important Question…
”Do YOU read blogs?”
::::awkward silence::::
Seriously. It got so quiet in there.
“I didn’t mean to put you on the spot…”
Julia started to laugh and confessed that she didn’t even know what a blog was and a few of the others chimed in with confession of having never read a blog. One of the cast members said they had read ONE blog, but that it was poorly written and she hated it and vowed to never read a blog again.
I suppose a small part of me was hoping that they would say “why, yes, we know what a blog is! We were up reading yours last night!” I may have been a little disappointed that they had really didn’t know what a blog was as evidenced in my “notes” (if you can even call them notes because, well, look.)

(Those are my actual notes.)
(Shutup. I was nervous and shaking violently.)
After the “interview” was over, we got to sit down and watch a few minutes of a pre-taping of the show. Then, we hopped on a bus and headed over to a little coffee shop (which they closed down just for us!) and had a chance to talk with producers, executives and also Alex and Tricia from the show.
Then, we hopped back into the bus which took us back to the parking garage. We stood around and talked about what a great experience it was, said our goodbyes and headed back to our cars.
As much fun as I had that day, I was happy for it to be over because OH MY GOD, my girdle type underwear had pretty much cut off all circulation to my legs. I could NOT wait to rip those mofos off. As soon as I got into my van, I looked around, made sure no one was watching, reached under my skirt and began what felt like an hour long process of peeling off the chonies.
(Which reminds me, I really do need to take those things out of the glove compartment before someone (like MY KIDS) reaches in there to get a pen or a piece of paper and instead, finds my dirty, size Q chonies all wadded up in a big ball.)
At the end of the day, I was glad that I went. I was proud of myself for stepping outside of My Comfort Zone and putting my fears and insecurities aside. I was grateful for the oppurtunity to show the people of Hollywood who bloggers really are and let them know that “hey, we get gas too.”
I do not have pictures, because we were FORBIDDEN from taking pictures, but later this month, there will be pictures and also video (Ahhhhhhh!) that I will be able to post here. Stay tuned for THAT, because THAT is going to be very special.
I promise you.

39 thoughts on “The New Adventures of Old Christine: Part One

  1. DebbieS

    What she said! You made Wanda Sykes laugh!! Girl, you’ve got some guts! Does that mean you’re ready to come do an open-mike night with me in S.D.?

  2. Ces

    What a GREAT story!
    I have trouble stepping outside of my comfort zone too, so I am so very proud of you 🙂 Can’t wait for pictures!

  3. Jami

    Long time lurker, delurking to say… OMFG Y! You made me laugh SO hard about the parking lot chonie peel-off, I think I may have to change my own chonies right now. Oh, and size Q?!?!?! Puh-leeeze. Don’t EVAH think you are not funny.

  4. Melina

    You did great, see you are getting better and better each day with stepping out of your comfort zone. I bet those two women who didn’t know you before will never forget your now. (In a good way).
    Thanks for making me laugh, I needed that, we are having a really cold day here and so did not want to get out of bed and go to work.

  5. Marmite Breath

    Although, what does it say about my self esteem that when I got to the part about “poorly written and vowed never to read a blog again” I thought to myself, “OMG! What if it was mine! What if I have scared this person away from blogs FOR-EV-URRR (tm The Sandlot)”
    But you did a fantastico job, Y. And I am very impressed that you stepped outside of your zone. I need to do that more often. Well, that and update my goddamned blog.

  6. Trishie

    You are SO fuh-reaking HIGHlarious. I’m at work, and I think I made the sweet pee pee you spoke of the other day.
    You admitted you get gassy when you’re nervous. Then you made them laugh..
    You’re my he-ro.

  7. Jamie

    I really heart you.
    FART talk…the ultimate ice breaker. Snort.
    I would have been so nervous I would had to have partaken in devil water in my hotel room beforehand and then I would probably be all flushed and dorky and then my Southern accent would have been amplified by a thousand.
    Video camera? EEEEEEK.
    I’m sure you were fabulous and they probably heart you for the fart talk. Seriously.

  8. Karen

    THEY DON’T READ BLOGS? My world just came to an end. I bet Tina Fey reads blogs. (I still love JLD and WS tho, like totally)
    Ha ha ha. Kidding. I’m glad Liz was there for you because she is one of the calmest, coolest people on the planet and I’d want her there too. And Y, you have mad making-people-laugh skillz.

  9. geeky

    dude, i heart you because you do all the stuff i do (including farting when nervous) and you have the guts to actually talk about it! also, i get nervous just READING this. i’m pretty sure if it were me up there, i would have fainted or maybe thrown up my heart.

  10. Faith

    I’m farting RIGHT NOW. Farting is awesome…
    I can’t believe there are people in this here U.S. of A. that haven’t heard of blogs yet. Shit, they’re all over CNN, and other news outlets, even. I could have understood it maybe 3 years ago, but now? C’mon…
    You did good, Y. Can’t wait to see more! (VIDEO! YAY!!!)

  11. D

    And so if you think someone may have… well, it was probably me! Ha! Ha! Ha!” … Lord Girl! You Win! What, didn’t know there was a contest? Me neither but let’s make one up cuz that had to be the winning line!

  12. Mom101

    You were so funny and wonderful and natural, I guarantee you that if it weren’t for this post, no one there would even have known you were nervous.
    Meanwhile…for the record oh readers of Yvonne’s…
    When we had to tape the video segments, she did grab me and say “I think I’m not going to do it.” I told her I was sure that would be fine. Next thing you know, the producer is asking who wants to go first and Y jumps up and says, “Me! I’ll go first!”
    Oh, delicate shy little flower that she is.
    (And she was great!)

  13. robin

    Great story! I can’t wait until the video and pics. Someone actually asked me what I was smiling about when I was reading this. You are hilarious.

  14. L.A. Daddy

    Y, you were awesome! Very funny and very charming! It was a pleasure to meet you. And a very funny recap of the day (mine just sucks… I didn’t peel anything off. I just went and picked up the laundry. Ho-hum.)

  15. nila

    Speaking of farts. I had broccoli cheese soup for dinner.
    You always crack me up, so it’s no surprise that you made them laugh. You’re my new hero!
    I’m doing dance aerobics at the Y tonight in your honor.

  16. Kristin - Manic Mommies

    It was so nice to meet you. And let me assure you, I couldn’t tell you were nervous. Really!
    I did have the feeling during our visit that the cast was thinking “who are these people, and what are they doing here???”
    Oh, and just imagine the reaction if I asked them WHAT a podcast is, nevermind if they had actually listened to one!

  17. KTP

    I can’t wait to see the edited piece. I really hope they include your fart comments. You were definitely the funniest of a very funny group. And that goes far!

  18. AdventureDad

    LOL, that’s hilarious. My own experience is thave very few “normal” people know what a blog is. If I mention website they are all on board but blog still causes that awkward silence..

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