Dear God, Thank You For Wine. Amen.

I’m sitting here calling various utilities to have them shut off/transferred to my mom’s house.
Apparently, some of these mother fuckers are using “voice recognition” symptoms instead of the old fashioned “entering of a number” to get to the right agent to help you with all of your needs, which, by the way, is VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM because they love you and value you as a customer.
But, if that’s true, if they really value me then can someone please explain to me why these asshole voice recognition systems do not recognize simple answers like “ONE” and “NO.”
I just about had a mental breakdown just now while trying to schedule the disconnection of my broadband.
Asshole Automated Computer Dude: If you are calling your high speed internet account, say “one”.
Me: one
AACD: I’m sorry, I did not understand your request. If you’re calling about your high speed internet account, say “one.”
Me: (a little louder and also slower.) o-n-e.
AACD: I’m sorry, I did not understand your request. If you’re calling about your high speed internet account, say “one.”
Me: (very loudly) ONE!
AACD: I’m sorry, I did not understand your request. If you’re calling about your high speed internet account, say “one.”
Me: (screaming like a crazy bitch from hell. No Seriously. I lost all control on this one.) OOOOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEEE OHHHH MYYYYYYY GOODDDDDDDDD OOOOONEEEEEEEE.
And then I threw my phone through the window and cut someone.
Not really. But I wanted to because why must it be so damn complicated? AHHHHHHHHH.
Had this happened on a day when my stress level wasn’t THIS HIGH, I don’t think that I would have wanted to cut people over such a thing.
We have 2 days to be out of this house, so PigHunter took these two days off so that we can get out of here on time and um, well, we don’t work well together when it comes to these sort of things.
Anytime we attempt to do any sort of work that involves anything to do with a “house” (Painting, rearranging furniture, loading the dishwasher, moving.) you can bet yer ass that The Fingah will be used frequently and with great passion.
Now, when you combine the fact that we don’t work well together with the fact that he has gas and has to figure out EXACTLY WHAT CAUSED THE GAS, things are a leeeeeettle “tense” around here.
And things are going to to continue to be tense until we find our own place and are not living with my parents. (But, thank God for my parents, because without their generosity, we’d be making reservations at a Motel 6 right about now.)
Despite all of the craziness that is going on here, there are some good things happening for me, for us. And I’m trying to focus on those things and not on the fact that we’re technically “homeless” or that my husband is STILL carrying on about what could have possibly caused his gas.
So, um, how you doin’?

33 thoughts on “Dear God, Thank You For Wine. Amen.

  1. jenny

    well i just moved. ok last weekend. things went ok except the movers broke my bed. nice huh? tomorrow i find out if i’m eliminated from the biggest loser (info on my blog …not that you have time to read it) and i hope not. my mom is coming to my place saturday so i have to clean tomorrow night. other than that i’m good. how you doin?… already said *L*

  2. Katie

    I am wondering if they have a recorder on those voice-activated systems, and the real people just sit around all day listening in and laughing at people trying to get through the system. My favorite one is the BANK’s voice-activated system. Why yes, I’d LOVE to say my account number and PIN out loud in a public place – great idea!! They did eventually change it so you could do voice OR enter numbers, thank goodness.

  3. jonniker

    So, um, HEH.
    I used to do PR for the company that makes those voice recognition systems (97% of them or so) and on behalf of my former employer, I’m sorry.
    Katie, actually, they do record them on occasion, and I still have several on my iPod from the days when I had access to those sorts of things. Most of the amusing ones are people who think that the Computer Dude is a real person (and there are a surprising lot of them), who ask things like, “WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR? ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING? I SAID ONE.”
    Also, Y, that Computer Dude’s name, if I had to guess, was Tom. Tom is the most popular male voice, and can commonly be heard at CVS and Bank of America.
    Please don’t get me started on this. For as annoying as it is for a lot of people, I love speec rec systems, because the way they’re built is so farking complex, and honestly, the coolest, most creative people are behind the architecture. And the voices! OMG, the voices. I’ve never met Tom, but I’ve always wanted to. I did meet Dusty, however, who voices Qwest. And Julie! Amtrak’s Julie. Love Julie.
    Verizon’s automated directory assistance is Darcy, while the rest of them are voice by Erica.
    And finally, a tip to everyone who’s ever been frustrated by voice systems: when you just want to skip the whole thing and get a live agent, just say – very loudly – “LIVE AGENT” or “REPRESENTATIVE.” Most systems – the ones with customers who understand how speech should and should not be used, that is – build that into their architecture. So next time, scream “LIVE AGENT” and they’ll get you out of there. I promise.

  4. jonniker

    BusyMom: You’re right. Most of them build bad words in as “trigger words” so that customers aren’t frustrated. Which, um, TOO LATE, but give them credit for trying.

  5. jonniker

    I mean the rest of Verizon’s apps are Erica, I think. Not all DAs, that is. Not that anyone gives a shit, but for christ’s sake I did this for so long I cannot NOT correct myself.

  6. Suebob

    Here is the proper response to voice recognition – not “Live Agent” THAT would be silly. Instead, say “grarg.”
    I’m sorry, I did not understand you.
    I’m sorry, I did not understand you.
    I’m sorry, I did not understand you.
    I will transfer you to a live agent.

  7. Helen

    Oh THANKYOU for asking because every bugger else is telling me to stop whining already……we still have no house to move to either ( we are twins but we can’t move in with parents ) and yesterday the car failed it’s must pass to be on the road test, £600 to fix it, that’s $1200…… so we can’t even move into the car when we have to leave the house. My husband says things like ” oh, I’m NOT thinking about it” when I am stupid enough to ask him what he is thinking. My kids somehow still want me to cook dinner and bath them and stuff and get this, this is the best bit. I am teetotal. I might change that last one, does wine work? A lot?

  8. Maria

    I’m sending positive vibes your way so you find an even better place to live, etc.
    I’m EXHAUSTED. By the end of the day today I will have worked 70 hours this week and I’ve worked 11 consecutive day.

  9. vickie

    Quick hint for everyone in the same boat as Y regarding the retards who invented voice recognition:
    “Please say one if…” (cut ’em right off and say OPERATOR)……..
    “I will transfer you to a living, breathing, albeit just-as-retarded-as-I-am agent to help you.”

  10. Andrea

    Hang in there, Y!! And I do hope you will use “The Fingah frequently and with great passion.” Whateva works, sister!! You are so damn funny.

  11. Sara

    Yes, thank you God. Because without the grape, I would have less hair.
    What good things? When you have time please do share.

  12. Melissa

    Try screaming F*** You into the phone next time you get one of those automated systems. I did that once and it said, “Please hold for the next customer representative”. Now, I use that method quite often!

  13. Kelly

    Don’t you love those voice systems? Too bad I learned the hard way that if you sneeze while on the phone with one…you get transferred to the espanol line!

  14. sarcastic journalist

    Always remember to hit 0 or say “operator” to get out of that and to a real, live person. Zero. Zero. Zero.
    Also? House next door still for sale. With deck! Wood floors! Kitchen with window, which I totally wish we had!

  15. Joy

    How you manage to be hands down the funniest person on the planet while going through one of the worst crisis I’ll never know!
    I wish I were in your neighborhood… I’d come over and help and after the kids got to bed, maybe we could make some Margaritas!
    I hope that the rest of the move goes smoothly with no broken glass…
    PS… My favorite past form of aggression is throwing phones. I’ve had to replace several phones and there are still holes in my walls from phone throwing sessions. (**I never threw phones at people! And only once did I throw a book at my husband… okay, maybe twice…) I’m a reformed phone thrower. Haven’t thrown one since Dec. 30, 2005! Is there a group for phone throwers?

  16. Kyla

    Y, I’m sorry things are soooo crazy! I’m sure you guys will be relieved once you are out of there.

  17. Paula

    Coming out of lurkdom to say I have a deep hatred for moving and packing. Im supposed to be out of my house by the middle of next week and have yet to even start packing up my kitchen. Could it be because Im sitting here on my computer instead? lol
    Just wanted to wish you “smooth moving” vibes.

  18. BOSSY

    How is Bossy doing? Push 1 if you think she’s swell, Push 2 if you think she’s equally annoyed at her husband, Push 3 if she’s looking forward to a weekend of painting the underside of her porch ceiling (not).

  19. Tuesday

    When you get those voice recognition thingys, just say “customer service” and speak to a live person. it works much better.

  20. The Fashionista & Baby

    Yeah, but sometimes the stupid system doesn’t even recognize the words “customer service”. The whole voice recognition is the bane of my existence. By the time I get to a live person I’m ready to curse them out.
    My hubby and I don’t work too well together either. Mainly because I sit around and procrastinate until he gets mad enough to allow me to leave so he could finish up.

  21. AmyM

    How am I doing? Shitty. I have recently discovered that my family closet has more skeletons than a grave yard and NO ONE cares! Sorry, just venting. Thanks.

  22. Corinne

    One time I was stuck in an airline’s automated system when they asked my name for the third time I yelled “JESUS CHRIST”!
    And I immediately got an agent.

  23. Fold My Laundry Please

    I hate those voice recognition things! Everytime I get one, it doesn’t matter what I way. All the noise my children make in the background overrides anything I have to say! One time, when I couldn’t get a live person for love nor money, I ended up shutting the kids in their room (I didn’t lock them in, though how I wanted to!) with cheese, crackers, juice, and threats that if they left the room, I would exact my vengeance. Then I went down the hall, shut myself in my own room, and calmly answered the questions. Eventually, I accomplished my goal. Then I read a book. Then I let the kids out!

  24. Joelle

    Once, while calling Sprint, I got stuck in the same cycle. The “assistant’s” condescending voice was named “Claire”. I did not like Claire. She said, “if you would like to speak with a representative, just say ‘representative at any time'”.
    It kept saying, “Would you like to this? would you like to do that? would you like to poop in a hat? would you like to sing with a cat?” It was like this never-ending song and dance. I kept saying “Representative”, escalating my annoyance with every request.
    The conversation culminated with me holding the phone away from my face and screaming into it, “REPRESENTATIVE, CLAIRE, YOU DAFT COW!!!” and throwing my phone into the passenger seat.
    Not my finest moment, but would it kill them to hire a person? My god.

  25. Mom101

    All issues are magnified by 157x when you’re moving. That much has been scientifically proven. Can’t wait to hear about the good stuff..
    and Bossy cracks me up.

  26. Amy

    Well, we are moving too and it is HELL! We had to be out of our apt. last Sunday but our house is STILL not finished so we have been basically homeless for a week, and let me tell you, it is so. much. fun. to wander the streets of LA with a 2 year old and a 4 year old for A WEEK, when neither one has had a nap for 10 days, and we’ve been eating out every single fucking meal for an enternity . . .FUCK! AH. THat felt kind of good. We did finally get internet tonight (see?) although TIMEWARNER (who SUCKS) now claims that they have never had me as a customer and they dont recognize my email address even though I’ve been paying those assholes for 7 months—ugh.
    I totally feel your pain, Y.

Comments are closed.