It Would Make Me Very Happy if You Read This Post Out Loud in the Voice of Mary Hart.

Hi! How are you?
I hope so.
Me? I’m “fine!”
Thanks to some of you, I’m SO fine, that I’m using Gun Fingers everywhere I go.
Someone will ask me “How you holding up?” And I’ll go “just great!”

Pow! Pow!
Thanks a lot for that, Internet.
Oh, Thumbs Up, how I miss you.
Today I called a friend who I haven’t talked to in about 7 days, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but the speed at which crazy things are happening in my life, 7 days in my life is like an entire year in the life of someone whose life does not suck.
Or something like that.
When my friend answered the phone, I was all “Oh, I have something hilarious to tell you! Tony was in a car accident and totaled The Van! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
She was very quiet and said “Y, that’s not funny. It’s not funny at all.”
And I was all “I know it’s not, but! It’s either cry or laugh and I think it would be uncomfortable for both of us if I started to cry, so, Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaa!”
Yesterday we had to go get all of our personal belongings out of the van and release it to our insurance company so that they can take it to Van Heaven. ( I refuse to believe that my van is going to the junk yard. Van Heaven, people, it’s in Van Heaven.) As I was pulling things out, I started to cry, because for as ugly as that van was, I freaking LOVED that van.
Can I tell you the story of my van? Please? Because talking about it makes me feel better.
A few years back, my sister left her van with me when she went to NY. I fell in love with it. Sure, they’re ugly and people make fun of them, but dudes, you can open that side door up and let the kids pile in and to me? That was awesome.
When we decided that it was time to get a new car a few years back, I immediately made it known that I wanted an Ass-tro van.
“Really?” Tony asked, in a very disturbed tone.
“Yes, really.”
“What about a Suburban?”
“No. I want an Ass-tro van!”
“What about a, um, anything other than that big ugly van?!”
“No. I want an Ass-tro van!”
He did manage me to get me to agree to test drive a few suburban’s and other cars that I do not remember because I was obsessed with the dream of owning my very own van and therefore did not really pay attention to the stupid other cars that were not Ass-tro vans. However, none of those stupid other cars impressed me and so I was all “Let’s go back to the Chevy dealer and pick out ma’van!”
And it just so happened that they had the Perfect Van there waiting for me. White, with running boards, ski racks, power everything, privacy glass, etc and it was in perfect condition (only one year old.)
I’ll admit that at the time we bought that car, we were the worst negotiators in the history of negotiations and we did not get a good deal on the car (something that has haunted me for the past 6 years. Yes, SIX YEARS and we still had 13 payments left. See? I am not lying, we got screwed.) But, we were able to get the monthly payment that we wanted and so we signed the papers and drove off with Ma’Van that night.
And oh, how I loved that van.
In the 6 years that we’ve had it, I’ve not complained about it even once. I had nothing but pure love for that van. People find that hard to believe, because “it’s a van! And it’s ugly! Surely, you can’t love a giant, ugly van!”
But I did. I still do.
It was perfect for us. My boy’s needed me to pick up their friends from school? HOP RIGHT IN! Tony wanted to take the boys camping? Just pull out the back seat and everything fit! Unexpectedly pregnant with our third child? Not a problem! There’s room for 8 of us!
You wouldn’t believe the ridicule that I took for that van, and you would not believe how little I cared because screw you all, I chose it and I love it and you can all suck it hard.
I know that I sound like the biggest asshole in the world going on and on about a stupid van, but like I’ve said at least 2069 times in this post alone, I loved that van and was looking forward to hauling buttloads of kids around in it for at least another 5 years.
But now, it’s gone. Forever. And in just a few short days the insurance will offer us a settlement for it that will probably be just enough to pay it off and we will have to start all over with a car that I will hate with a passion because it is NOT MY VAN and it will NEVER BE MY VAN.
Now, if you don’t mind, would you please bow your head in a moment of silence for The Van?

Thank you.

117 thoughts on “It Would Make Me Very Happy if You Read This Post Out Loud in the Voice of Mary Hart.

  1. Tamara

    I understand the love for a car. I still miss my little old Honda Civic, which is crazy nerdy, that I sold 4 years ago. I sold it to a very smelly guy, and I feel REALLY badly about that. I am sure it smells, too, now, and this upsets me to no end. (Yes, quite possibly I need help.)
    But anyway, how are Tony and the precious little girl doing?

  2. Rachael

    Dude, I feel you. When I was four and my parents sold my mom’s ugly-ass pink (yes, pink) T-bird with rust spots that looked like polka dots and traded it in for something much more suburban, I cried my little heart out. I did the same thing when I was 23 and they repo’d our Cavalier because we both happened to lose our jobs at the same time. You get ATTACHED.

  3. anna

    Many years ago, I wanted to go to a concert in the middle of nowheres where I would have to camp. Being young and poor, I rented an Astro Van for $30, took out the back seats, and put in an air mattress. I drove it five hours each way. I was up so high I could see down into other people’s cars, which right there was enough to sell me on it, but it was also the first car I’d driven which showed me the direction I was heading, which I LOVE. It was like a beam of light shining through a break in the clouds. Years later, when I was expecting baby #2, I insisted on an Astro Van and drove out and got a crappy deal THAT DAY. Mine was red, which matched my purse and shoes. Seriously, I am not making that up. Some cocksucker broke into it. Then another cocksucker broke into it. I don’t have it anymore.

  4. Karly

    Ah, I’m sorry Y! I’m with ya on the van love. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you can find another lovely van!

  5. Marilyn

    Y, I’m with you. I love my big, obnoxious tan Dodge Grand Caravan. Years ago, we rented one to go on a car/camping trip and it was love at first ride. I love my van. I always tell people they’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. And, get this, it has sliding doors on BOTH SIDES. That there alone is enough to make me want to wet my drawers with joy. I find myself getting deeply offended whenever I hear anyone dog vans because they so don’t deserve the rep they have. They are wonderful, fantastic vehicles. I weep for you and the loss of your van. *hugs*

  6. Alyndabear

    Since I feel nothing but motherly affection for my own car, I can completely empathise with you. (Even though mine is not a van. Just a car. But a lovely car!)
    Moment of silence? Coming right up.

  7. AA

    Dang I think you have me yearning for a van, And I’m a pick up girl. I just got a new, (haha, I mean newer) pickup at Christmas and I seriously miss my old one. U had finally paid it off but it had a lot of miles on it, so the boyfriend bought me a newer one with 110K fewer miles. Yeah that’s cool but I miss my old truck. We still have it (or he does really), but it is parked at an airport so he can use it when he flies to that town. Someone will probably steal it, but at least I didn’t have to sell it to someone smelly.
    I get way too attached and give way too much personality to everything.
    Hope Tony and Gabby are okay.

  8. mamasaidno

    I feel you sister. I went from a VW Beetle to a Blazer to a Grand Caravan. Although someday I want another car, I am keeping my van forever. Which is good because we also got a “great deal” with a six year loan…

  9. Kyla

    Awwww….I’m so sorry about your van baby.
    My parents took away my VW Beetle because even though I was paying for it, it was in their name and they decided to sell it. *sob* I miss my baby. Sometimes I still imagine I’m driving her.

  10. Cara

    Oh, I understand. My car is named Sugar, and if anything ever happens to Suggie-Bear, which won’t because she will live FOREVER, then I will need to be heavily medicated for a few weeks.
    Damn, Y, you need some good luck. I am hoping and praying that more goodness and happy news comes your way soon.

  11. nila

    I get your van love. I love my mini-van eventhough they’re so uncool. Whatevah. It’s my ride and it’s how I roll. All mom like.
    Hang in there. There’s another van waiting out there for you. I’m sure this is the last thing you needed, which totally sucks. I’m sorry.

  12. Bunny

    I understand. I long for a van. I can only haul my two kids in the backseat, I wish for the kind of room a van would afford. I’m sorry for your loss.

  13. MoMMY

    Wait, the van is ugly? Why has no one ever told me my van is ugly? I love my van. (It’s our 3rd) With 4 kids there really are not a lot of options. I totally want one of those ‘stow-n-go’ ones now but that would mean I have to give up my baby and I’m not ready. (and we’re not ready financially either) I think a look at a van with cool hidy spots for your stuff might ease the pain.

  14. steen

    I loves me some Y, white van and all!
    (My stepmom has a Nissan Quest that? actually makes me like vans. Plus, the newer style ones are, like, $16k and will last forever.)
    RIP White Van. 🙁 You were loved well. At least, until some random beeyotch rammed into you. That wasn’t very loving.

  15. kheatherg

    I feel you girl! My parents had an astro when i was growing up and hell, i loved it then. I tried getting one a few years back and was veto’d because we couldnt afford it. man-o-man, when i test drove it, i felt like i was driving a big ole truck PLUS there was room in the back for the fam!!!!! But alas, i couldnt afford a new one and we couldnt find a good used one.
    I got love for your ass-tro.
    It will play with other ass-tro’s in heaven.

  16. Operation Pink Herring

    I’m the same way about cars. I see The One, and I don’t care how ugly or old it is, I just know it is The One for me. My first car was a sky blue 1988 Jetta and it was SUCH a P.O.S but I loved it, and it ran and it fit all my stuff, which was all I really cared about. It was so “me”. And then it got totaled and my heart broke.
    BUT — the insurance company of the dude who hit me was so scared I would sue, they paid me about 4 times what the car was worth, so I had enough to pay my insurance for a whole year AND get a new car. A red VW Fox that I loved almost as much as my Jetta.
    At the time the whole situation sucked ass because I was out of a car for a couple of weeks and we didn’t know how much money they would get an blah blah blah… so I hope there is some silver lining in this for you guys too, and a shiny new van on the horizon.

  17. ben

    I’m sorry for your loss, Y.
    Did the insurance company get the soda, too? That’s mighty generous of you. I understand letting them keep the air bag.

  18. Candy

    I have me a big ass Ford Windstar, very ugly, and yet I love her so. Her name is Annabel. She is somewhat eccentric, like an elderly aunt. The passenger side doors will only unlock if the car is in motion. The compass tells us we’re going north even when we’re driving into a sunset. Right now, it rings like a bell when I’m stopped at a red light, as if the Travelocity gnome were under the hood with a set of jingle bells. But Annabel is mine, and my daughter is learning to drive behind her wheel.
    So sorry Y, it sucks that someone randomly swept in and took what was yours. It’s as if someone was murdered. You must want retribution!

  19. randi

    My beloved VW Beetle, whom I affectionately have named Vehicular Manslaughter, is the love of my life. I can’t imagine life without her. So mourn for your Ass-tro Van. She probably loved you as much as you love her.

  20. Cheri

    My son asked me last week what kind of car would I have when I got older? I was wondering what he was talking about. I said – probably this one since I wont’ be able to afford anything else. He said good because when I’m 16 I want it to be my car. I said Daws that’s in 7 years you might not want it then..he said “I’ll want it – I love it”. He loves our car?? I thought. I just bought it in Nov. and he’s already attached. Some car huh? lol

  21. Laura

    I’m really sorry. And I understand. I, too, LOVE my van. I’m constantly defending it against the minivan haters of the world. I’d be devastated if something happened to it. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you can get another van soon, although I know it won’t replace the love you had for the first one! 🙂

  22. BOSSY

    Bossy totally gets it. The van thing. That’s because Bossy has never had a van and has been wholly inconvenienced by foppish cars the whole of her life. (moment of silence for the van.) (Ok, so that was only half a moment – so sue Bossy.) (please don’t actually sue Bossy.) (Because, Gun Fingers aside, you sort of seem in a suing mood.) (Luv ya.)

  23. Kimberly

    As someone who swore up and down that she would NEVAH drive a minivan and now LOVES her minivan, I totally understand. I hope you get another van that’s even better than the last! Unless it’s like a puppy, like when you don’t want another one right away because it’s too painful. Seriously though, I am praying for you, your beautiful family, and your whole sitch. 🙂

  24. kim

    goodbye Y’s van. you were a good van and a loved van and you will be missed. i really, REALLY hope things will start getting better for you guys VERY soon! *hugs*

  25. kate.d

    RIP white van, indeed.
    (and the crying? with the picking up of the stuff? like i said the other day, i’m totally with you. it is fricking sad! you can cry!)

  26. Les~

    R.I.P. AssTro van —
    Here’s to ALL things looking up for ya’ll quick, fast and in a hurry!

  27. Y

    Thanks for not laughing at me for being SO dramatic about Ma’Van.
    Your stories of love for your own cars is making me feel so much better.

  28. norm

    One thing the ’70s got right was the fact that Vans are Awesome. I hope you find a new urban assault vehicle that captures your fancy just as much as the old one did. And I agree with previous posters that you’re due for a Luck Improvement … no one could deserve it more. 😉

  29. Imaan

    6 years paying for a CAR? and how about a smaller car with lower emissions? we should all do our bit

  30. bigiron

    One more reason why I know you love your van that you didn’t mention: in its last moment of functional life, it protected your beautiful daughter, AND that guy that gets boners for you, when they needed protection. And I know safty will be a consideration as you chose your new vehicle.
    My gf’s last van was an ass-tro and it was butt ugly too, but she couldn’t see it. When we needed to replace it, I sold it at a very reasonable price to a family of Katrina victems that really needed a break. If you belive in karma, I’ll wish for you that my good deed will be passed on to you. I bought her a new Toyota Sienna, a bit less ugly. 🙂

  31. robyn

    Just a quick note to say I’m thinking of you and hope everyone is healing up ok. Dude, you’ve had the only home your kids have really known — and ya’van — ripped out from under you in the last few weeks. Whine ALL you want. I’d be in the fetal position by now. Just remember, the van gave its life so two of your most precious loves could live. xoxoxo

  32. Danielle

    Much love for the van. I am in van envy. I want one so bad.
    I totally get the love. I had a 90 Ford Escort “Pony”. It was the strip down model when it was new. No power, no nuthin fancy like. Just wheels and engine and such. I loved that car. Little red thing. I sold it to a neighbor when I moved across the country.
    I bought another little zippy red thing with almost no power and it’s cool and the such but never the same.
    I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I bought under boob flavored ice cream in your honor last night. (((((hugs))))))

  33. Lucy's Mom

    I SO understand van love. I LOVE my van and I loved the van before this one and the one before that one. I am a Van woman, no doubt. Current baby is a Grand Voyager and that stow and go thing is the coolest deal since sliced bread. On your next van, and I KNOW there will be a next van, try the GV with stow and go. You will LOVE it. I’m so sorry about your beloved white van. I truly, truly understand car loss and the broken heart because of it. Our cars are “family members”, at least mine always are, and it sounds like yours are too. When I was young and stupid I had a magnificent fire engine red Mustang given to me by my Daddy. (we never appreciate our parents until it’s way too late) The Mustang died a very young death and today, 40 years later, I still grieve for that beautiful car. You will love again. I promise. RIP white van.

  34. Helen

    I moan about my ugly, 17 year old Toyota van all the time, but I love her really and when she dies I will cry and cry too. I hope you can find an equally beloved van, also…..we had a housing miracle, a real, I love you landlady that sold our house now miracle…I am hoping and praying that I can read your blog soon and read you had the same…’s time stuff changed around for you right now….house and van and funny stuff again.

  35. Melissa

    I understand how you feel about your car. I feel the same way about mine. I bought it simply because I knew I’d have kids and I wanted something to haul the kids/dogs. We don’t have kids, yet, but I’m ready! Last night I was rear-ended (I was stopped for a police officer going ona call and the guy behind me wasn’t paying attention at hit me at about 35 mph & wow, is my body starting to hurt) and I’m kind of sad at the damage to my car. Luckily, it can be repaired (we think…haven’t had it inspected yet) but it’s kind of sad to see the big dent and loose bumper and missing piece. It’s the first expensive thing I’ve ever really purchased so it’s kind of my pride & joy. Glad Tony and Gabby are okay, though.

  36. tracy

    i’m glad you posted! i’ve been wondering about you, and how you’re doing, so i was happy to see an update.
    i’m so sorry for your van loss! i think everyone has (at least) one thing like that — something that everyone else ridicules them for but that they absolutely adore. a sweater, a bike, a haircut, a piece of jewelry, and so on. i think it’s awesome when people stand up for their weird taste in whatever and tell everyone else to shove it! way better than caving and getting a suburban, if a suburban just isn’t you.
    and ugly white ass-tro van? i’m gonna pour one (of my nasty fritos mild cheddar cheese dip…) for you, my homie.

  37. demondoll

    I understand your pain, Y. I also love my van, and if WGD kills this one off like he’s killed off our other cars, I will be so lost.
    I hope you can replace Ass-tro Van with another fun-mobile 🙂

  38. Tricialicious

    Hey call me, I can get you another van for cheap!!! Chris goes to the auction remember? And I tried to call you the other day but your phone wasn’t working. CALL me ninefourfourseventhreesixnine.

  39. alala

    They’ll pay off your van but won’t pay to replace it!? Meh! After that post, I love your van too, but I hate your insurance guys.

  40. Miss

    That is so depressing Y. I hope they give you enough for the payoff and a little more for part of a down payment. I say go for another van since you loved this one so much. I hope you find a car that makes your heart happy!!!

  41. Lindy

    I bow my head in total respect of the ‘ugly van’. God bless the van & thank him for the wonderful years you enjoyed with it. Also, I thank him for the safety that ‘the ugly van’ contributed to your husband & daughter during their horrible ordeal with the JACKASS that didn’t look where they were going.

  42. Kait

    Firstly Van Heaven? Looks far too much like Van Halen to me. Just sayin’.
    Secondly, I can understand your desire for a van, even though we bought a small SUV. Vans are very very convenient.

  43. Virenda

    I am so sorry for you sweetie. Seriously. I have a green mini-van and I LOVE IT! Sure people think it’s kinda ugly and don’t want to be seen in it, but I can get all my kids AND nephews in it. Woot!
    So I now want to say sorry and that there are other vans out there. NOT as good as your VAN, but I think your Van would want you to be happy and move on.
    (On a side note I had my car stolen about 5 years ago and while the thieves didn’t wreck it, the towing company did. I cried for days, because I loved that little car. I also yelled a lot. Can you believe they STOLE my car seats! and my stroller?! BITCHES.)

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