My Fingers are Too Tired To Type a Title.

There was a time where I would use this blog to vent every frustration, to work through every fear, every emotion. Whenever I was feeling sad, I’d sit down and write through it, sometimes sobbing the entire time I was typing away at the keyboard. I’d feel better almost immediately after writing it, and almost always regret having written it 5 minutes after hitting “publish.”
Writing was therapeutic for me. It has been since I was a little girl. There’s just something about writing through a particular emotion that I have always found comforting. When I suffered a severe depression in 2003, I learned that while writing through my depression was a valuable tool, I needed professional help as well. So, I went and got me a psychiatrist, a therapist and various prescription drugs (which I no longer take.)
I also learned that when you’re open with your thoughts, your emotions, your fears, your mental illness, people will use that shit against you. They will twist your words, they will mock you, they will call you names and so on and so forth. Now, I’m not a sensitive person. I’ve developed pretty thick skin over the years. I’ve had to in order to survive in my family. We’re a pretty brutal bunch and it’s not uncommon to be teased about everything from my weight, to my overly protective nature, to the way that I dress. I have learned to laugh at myself and to even take it a step further and be self deprecating every chance that I get. I’ve also learned that when complete strangers say nasty things, it’s more about them and their insecurities than it is about me. But, not always— I certainly give people a hell of a lot of material to use against me.
I have recently found myself extremely guarded about what I post online. I think it was good for me to pull back a little. However, I think that I’ve taken it to the opposite extreme. I’ve been avoiding writing about anything that involves my “feelings” or “the sadness that I feel deep within my soul because the life as I knew it has been completely turned upside down and my husband is depressed and not helping at all to get us out of this situation and I am the only one obsessively looking for a house we can afford and trying to get a better job and saving money and why isn’t he helping me? Does he want to live with my parents forever?” and instead writing about things like van heaven! And bean dip! Because hahaha! No one can use bean dip against you. (Except, they totally can, because did you know that the reason we don’t own a house is because I spend all of my husband’s money on BEAN DIP! 8 dollars a day to be exact!)
I recently confessed to Liz that I find it hard to write the way I used to, because I feel more guarded and protective of my feelings. She said something that I think about almost every day.
“You have to speak your truth.”
And she’s right. She’s right because I have hundreds of saved emails from women who have written to me to tell me how much they can relate to the things that I write. I’ve had women tell me very personal things that have made me weep because I know how they feel and NO ONE should feel that way about themselves. I have emails dating back to 2005, because those emails have meant the world to me and sometimes, when I’m having a really bad day, I’ll go back and read them. I feel so grateful to every single person who has taken the time out of their lives to send me an email telling me their stories, or offering their moral support, or giving me advice, or telling me their praying for me and my family.
I am sorry if you’ve sent me one of those emails and never received a response from me. Truly sorry, because as many excuses as I could give you for not responding, there really isn’t an acceptable excuse for it at all.
I’m not even sure where I’m going with all of this because what I was TRYING to say is that I want to find a healthy balance in which I write about things that are important to me (like my weight “issues” and my “feelings” ) and at the same time hold some things back because, really, The Internet doesn’t need to know everything.
One of the reasons that I love having this blog is that I can go back and read about things that my boys said and did four years ago. Things that I probably would have forgot about had it not been for this blog. I love reading how I felt when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my daughter, or when Tony told me he wanted to “put a cup on my ass.”
The truth is my life is pretty shitty right now and I am sad most of the time. Not depressed, sad. That doesn’t mean that I am unable to find “joy” in my life, it just means that sometimes, I get sad. I’ve avoided writing much since moving in here with my mom because I’m really working hard on holding my true feelings prisoner inside of my head and pretending that “I’m FINE!” because if I say how I really feel or let that shit out, I don’t think I would ever stop crying. So, I save my tears for my pillow at night and put one foot in front of the other with a pretty little smile during the day.
PigHunter isn’t doing well either and has chosen to isolate himself from me and go to bed early instead of helping me get the hell out of my parents house. I try not to get upset with him, because I know he’s depressed and feeling like he’s failed his family. (because contrary to Popular Assholes on the Internet Opinion- he DOES share some blame in this situation, but I don’t air that stuff here because he’s a good man, an incredibly good father and I love him.) The truth is, we’ve both failed and this has been a huge wake up call for me. Most days I straddle the line of wanting to shake him and say “YES,YOU SCREWED UP, BUT SO DID I AND WE CAN MAKE THIS BETTER! HELP ME MAKE THIS BETTER!” and wanting to just squeeze him so tight and weep and tell him how proud I am for everything he’s done for this family and how it isn’t the end of the world, but the beginning of a new life for us.
The good news is that, with the exception of Gabby at bed time, the kids are as happy as they’ve ever been here at Grandpa and Grandma’s house. They can swim in the pool! Or play video games all night with their uncle! And the only chore they have is to clean up Bandit’s poop! It’s like an extended vacation! I was really worried about Ethan, because he was so devastated about leaving the only house he’s ever known, but he loves it here and I couldn’t be happier about that.
The other day I was in my room with Gabby and my dad called me. I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted me to come and sit next to him. I got nervous, expecting another sermon on how all of this was happening because I had fallen away from God and if I would just get right with Him, things would start falling into place in my life.
But that’s not what happened. My dad hugged me and said “I love you, Mija.” And I said “I love you too, dad.” And then, he started to cry.
“Dad, don’t cry! Why are you crying?” I said, trying to fight back my own tears, because, “I’M FINE!”
“Because, I love you and I hate to see you hurting this way. I hate seeing you stressed out and constantly worried. You’re my daughter, I love you and I want the best for you and I am sorry that you’re going through all of this.”
Totally didn’t expect that. I wanted to cry, I wanted to just let it all go and tell him just how sad I really feel, but I didn’t, I held it in, except for a little tear that escaped and fell down my cheek while my dad openly wept for me.
He then started to pray for me in a way I’d not heard him pray before. Instead of asking God to “deal with me” for my sinful ways, he asked God to bestow his love and joy upon me. He asked God to show me his kindness and to take away all of my burdens and fears. I just sat there, not knowing what to say or do, fighting back tears because my dad could see through the facade and recognized how sad, nervous and stressed out I really am.
To see my dad break down like that was strangely comforting, to know that he loves me and worries for me.
I needed to know that and I definitely needed that prayer.
And what I really need now is to stop talking about this already and go back to holding it all inside because it’s much safer there and all of this crying makes me look even uglier than I already feel.
But! Before I go, I want to leave you with a little “treat.” (Yes, I am calling it a treat.) Remember a while back I had written another really long post and I told you about some tapes my mom found that contained recordings of 6 year old me singing songs about Jesus?. Well, my mom had those tapes put onto a CD and I just listened to it and now, I am going to share it with all of you, because I know you want to hear me singing songs about Jesus.

110 thoughts on “My Fingers are Too Tired To Type a Title.

  1. Della

    It’s good to see you online again! I have your site in my Favorites, and check every day to see if you’ve posted. I tell people about things that happen- “yeah, the woman on one of the blogs I read? Guess what her horrible landlord did?!?!” and I have cried and laughed at posts you’ve written more than almost any other blog I read. (Liz at might be a tie)
    I’ve been so hoping that everything would start working out for you, and was upset when I read about Pighunter’s accident.
    I’m glad that one good thing that came out of the house situation was the conversation between you and your dad.
    Love the recording of you singing!
    I hope youd do keep “speaking your truth”. I am in awe of you, and want to keep reading all about the happenings in your life!

  2. Betsy

    Hey Y, I don’t even know you and yet I’ve been worried about you, not seeing you post. I can totally understand wanting to guard your heart, especially with all you’re dealing with. I hope you are able to find the right balance. And, what a breakthrough moment with your Dad! I’m touched by your his prayer for you, and I pray that you will experience that blessing soon! Hugs.

  3. Helen

    Oh Y, I really know how you are feeling and the crying, it’s happening here too, we have found another house, same landlady who has turned into a fairy or any angel or something and renting us a converted barn with an acre of land, but it is also for sale and we could be turfed out again….I met my mum today and burst into tears as soon as I saw her….mums and dads can do that to you sometimes. Bless your dad for leaving behind the fire and brimstone and bringing out the fathers blessings.
    Husbands are a bit wont to lose it quickly and sort of forget how to help…mine did move a box or 3 today, if he could call the phone company or arrange internet or something I might collapse in a heap of gobsmacked gratitude. Thankfully he is being the male version of mary poppins with the kids so I can talk to a million people and fill in forms and more forms and make phone calls. Hoorah for stiff upperlipped women people who keep the world turning. Sisters are doing it for themselves because the brothers and a bit useless although they can be gorgeous and sexy too.

  4. shelly

    I’m sad…
    that you don’t realize that your posts about “thumbs up” and “gunshot hands” make me smile
    that you don’t know that, anonymous as we may be, we care about you
    that other a-holes in blogworld would make you feel sh**ty about your situation
    Be bold, write your feelings, and to hell with ’em if they can’t take a joke.
    > and gunshot hands back at ya.

  5. Sadie

    First, I love your little strong 6-year-old voice.
    Second, your ‘voice’ is still undoubtedly strong, and so are you…I am sorry your life has been so difficult lately and even more impressed that you’re still focusing on your blessings in the midst of it. Keep writing, Y. You are so, so good at it and you touch so many people that way.

  6. Heather

    I have been reading a lot of blogs lately where people are starting to feel held back in the great big blogosphere. I think it’s pretty common when your blog starts to get more popular – people can be SO vicious, and they just want to lash out and apply their version of the world to everyone’s life.
    I think the whole purpose of blogs is to open up and be yourself, which I used to be a lot better about….
    Anyway, I loved the part about you and your Dad. Maybe this time with your parents will be a good thing, a chance for you guys to really get to know one another again. I know it’s a tough time, but you’ll get through it!

  7. Gabby

    Please know that you are not alone. I know its easy for me to say, but things will get better. Please be open about it with PigHunter, it would help both of you so much. Let him know how you feel and that you are in this together. Cry, Y, cry, I know you said that you dont like to, but sometimes you just have to. It helps tremendously.
    Your Dad loves you. He sees you hurting and he knows you so well that you cannot hide it from him.
    The songs are beautiful. They made me cry too. Keep your head Y, God is looking over you.

  8. Gabby

    Please know that you are not alone. I know its easy for me to say, but things will get better. Please be open about it with PigHunter, it would help both of you so much. Let him know how you feel and that you are in this together. Cry, Y, cry, I know you said that you dont like to, but sometimes you just have to. It helps tremendously.
    Your Dad loves you. He sees you hurting and he knows you so well that you cannot hide it from him.
    The songs are beautiful. They made me cry too. Keep your head up Y, God is looking over you.

  9. Y

    You guys are making me cry like a little sissy.
    But in a good way. Thank you for just being here with your kind words.

  10. Les~

    Y – I have always been able to count on your blog to brighten my day and get my giggle on too. Having hugeazhell lumps and tears forming in my eyes happens a lot when I read your posts, but it’s reality and very humbling and makes me realize that we all (as women) have a lot in common.
    I wish there was a magic potion or pill that I could serve to you that would make everything better right this second, but in reality, it won’t happen that way. (huge sigh!)
    You and your husband are a shining example of strong marriages and you have such awesome kids!
    Remember that old school saying “Good things come to those who wait” and the other one that goes something a lil sumthin like this: “Behind every dark cloud there is a silver lining” … and yall’s situation will change very soon.
    Keep on fightin’ the good fight. I’m pulling for ya chica.
    Hugs — Les~

  11. Laura

    I’ve been thinking of you and checking on you each day (damn that sounded stalkerish). I’m sorry life is so hard right now but we are all rooting for you. Take care!

  12. Danielle

    Oh honey,
    I’m actually crying. I’ve so been in your position and in reality not far from it now. I know how it is to try to hold it together for everyone when everything is falling apart. I know what it’s like to try to put the happy face on. PLEASE try to share more of your feelings here. I know it’s hard. I’m doing the same thing right now as well. I can’t give you a magical formula but I can say that for me things are finally getting better. I’m being a little more real about my life, even if it is only with myself, and I’m mourning the lose of some dreams but in reality, it’s getting better. Just different from how I wanted better to be. Share with us. It will help you but chica, it helps us too.
    Mush (I wanted to type much but mush seems good) love,

  13. Susan

    Hey Y,
    I, too, have been thinking about you and hoping you were okay. I hope the serious suckage is on its way out and that good things are coming. I just said a little prayer to the same effect. Well, except I didn’t use the word suckage when speaking to the Lord. Now I need to go back and hear you sing songs about Jesus so I can stop crying at work.

  14. Tracy

    I can sort of relate, Y. My husband lost his job in February. He’s done very little to get another. It frustrates me…more so when he can’t figure out why I’m so stressed out. Because, you know, having to support his three children, him, and my own daughter isn’t stressful or anything…
    Have you guys thought about moving out of California? I know it would be hard leaving your family and all, but, other places are much more affordable – easier for you guys to buy your own house. Just a thought…

  15. Liz

    This is incredibly moving…so sweet and sad. My heart goes out to you and your family. Just want you to know…I don’t have any great words of wisdom for you but I’m wishing you all the best.

  16. Angela

    I am so very sorry that you and your family are going through difficult times right now. I will continue to pray for all of you. Like someone said above, with every dark cloud there is a silver lining. Life might suck right now, but you WILL get through this. One of my Xanga blog buddies said something to me that I keep remembering.
    You have to get through, to get to.
    Keep your chin up and know that you will get through this. Take care.

  17. BOSSY

    It’s clear to Bossy that this time is now officially The Time Your Children Got To Live With Your Parents – which is such an amazing cross-generational gift and one that is lacking in today’s society. So embrace that and lose the guilt and failure tapes. You’ll be on your own again soon enough and your whole family will be looking back fondly because: Images in Mirror are Larger Than They Appear.

  18. gabrielle

    Usually I just come here and read and laugh and cry, but I really wanted to comment today to tell you how much this post, and all your writing, has really touched me over the past year that I have been reading. I know so many other people feel this way, too, and I’m sure that they agree that even (maybe sometimes especially?) when you don’t have your ‘happy face’ on, we still can’t wait to hear what you have to say. You have a real gift, and I hope that you’ll keep sharing that with us.
    I hope that things start looking up for you soon. You deserve to be happy.
    p.s. The Jesus songs are terrific!

  19. Amy the Mom

    You are officially the blawg author who makes me cry the most. I love your blog, and on the link to your site from mine, I wrote “I wish I could meet her at Starbucks every morning.” I mean that. I would cheerfully pay for your beverage, and I’d tell you that I’ve been where you are, and-even though you will want to kick me for using cliches and platitudes-it will get better. I went through so much hell a few years ago following a divorce, but my mantra then was “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” and that other old standby, “everything happens for a reason.” After the dust settles, you’ll be able to look at things with so much more perspective and wisdom…You have an incredible gift and you share it with your readers. Your blog really is a Joy in my day. If it was up to me, you’d be earning a million dollars a year for the service you provide.

  20. margarli

    You made me so like a baby. You’re going to be OK. You have a family that loves you, warts and all. You’ll stop being depressed after a while, and you’ll get up the energy to find a new place to live. I’ve been where you are. My kids and I stayed at a friends house for 9 long months and it was very difficult. VERY difficult. But we lived through it and we got back on our feet and my kids look back on that time with humor. It will be OK. Honest.

  21. Linda

    I don’t want to put my very sad story all over the internet, but some VERY VERY bad things happened to my family this year and caused amazing amounts of stress, fighting tears…and it’s over. Things really do pass. Try to keep your eye on the fact that you are all healthy, have a roof over your heads with people who love you, your children are happy and just plain forget the rest. Do what you can to fix it and then let it go. You will be OK. I played “it could be worse” in my head every day and it helped, because it was a moment away from the worst thing imaginable. Once you have that kind of perspective everything gets much easier.
    Treat your self to some bean dip and tell knock knock jokes to your kids and give them some ice cream and send them to bed dirty and way past their bedtime…life is too short to stress all the time.

  22. Y

    I know, Linda. I know.
    I am not saying that what has happened to us is the worst thing that could happen to anyone, because I know it’s not.
    When you go through a rough time, it’s natural to feel sad and to cry. I’m certainly not sitting here feeling sorry for myself, because I know we’ll find another house and another car.
    But it sucks in the meantime. That’s all I’m saying.
    I appreciate your perspective and thoughts, it is good to be reminded that it’s not as bad as it could be, so thank you.

  23. gc

    Hey Y, if you need help looking for a new place to live (scouring the web, driving around, whatever) I’ll be glad to help. Just send me an email.

  24. mrs darling

    I cried through this. You’llmake it Yvonne. You really will. That tape of your little self just pulled at my heartstrings. My kids sing Spring Up Oh Well too. Now Im thinking I should get them on tape before they get bigger. I had never herd the first song but I love it. The words to it are remniscent of the words in teh book of Isahia. I’ll pray you find a house soon. You deserve it so much!

  25. dajamama

    I love coming here and reading your blog. You do what so many fail to do, which is keeping it so real and true to yourself while being utterly hilarious.
    One thing I’ve picked up on in the past year of reading here is that you are truly the heart and soul of your family. And this is shining through more than ever in your posts during these hard times.
    It’s weird–there’s this odd dynamic of blog relationships. You read and read and read someone’s blog and eventually you feel like you know them, like they’re your friend, and you can speak your mind and your heart to them, but meanwhile they don’t know you from Adam. So don’t take this as stalker-y or anything but I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you.

  26. Sensible One

    Oh, Y, you’re little voice made me smile. There is a lot of power and love coming from that little voice, and you still have all of that in you – that is NOT the voice of a quitter. You and your family will come through all of this even stronger than before.
    Just wanted to come out of lurker status to let you know that we’ve all been there – ok, maybe not exactly THERE, but we all have our stories.
    And sometimes, a really, REALLY good cry is a good thing. Praying for you and your family….

  27. Charity

    That gave me chills. Wow… I miss hearing my Dad pray for me… even when it was for me to be “healed of my evilness”.

  28. Rachel May

    De-lurking for the first time to tell you that we lived with my parents for two years. Like yours, they are close with God. Like you, we were not at the time we moved in with them.
    Those two years were two of the best years of our lives. They were hard, but extremely rewarding.
    You and your family are in my prayers.

  29. gladcow

    It will get better. I believe that it always gets better. And here is my story of when it got better for me. I moved in with my husband to be when I was 17. We were broke. I still had a year of highschool and he was working a labor job and other than our luuuuurve, it sucked. Because we were broke. But we had a huge jar of pennies. Probably around $10. Whenever we were low on money I reminded myself that we had the pennies. Then we spent the pennies. I had to take back pop cans to get gas to go to school. And my life got a little worse from there. For the next year and a half it sucked royally. Not entirely to do with the lack of pennies, but that was a part of it. But I got through it. We got through it. Now, we’ve been married 11 years and we’ve always made it. We made it through me staying home for 5 years (even though we really couldn’t afford it). And the love I have for my good man is so startling to me. That we made it, even without the pennies.

  30. Annika

    I am so impressed that you are able to NOT be resentful of your husband, that you are focusing on the two of you working together to fix things. We’re going through a really rough time and I do not have the grace you have.

  31. Mish

    When I got to the part about your dad’s prayer for you, I started to cry. That was so amazing and sweet and moving. I’m sorry this time in your life sucks so badly, but WE LOVE YOU!!!!

  32. Margaret

    Girl. I KNEW things were hard for you right now. I did. And I worry about how you’re doing (c’mon, honestly? In the pantheon of crappy ass things that can happen, you’re dealing with a lot of it ~ and yes, I know, you remind yourself a dozen times a day it’s not like one of your kids was SICK or your husband was a DOG or anything, but it doesn’t make moving and being unsettled and then having someone drive into your van any easier that those things AREN’T happening to you) and I was worried about you and I’m sorry people are mean for no reason and that’s why I don’t blog (that, and the run on sentences) but still. We knew things weren’t okay and that this is just really, REALLY hard right now. Anyway. The only nice thing is that when you look back on this time in your life, you will feel really GOOD about making it through this as beautifully as you have. Hang in there baby, there’s a bunch of us pulling for you and rooting for you and living through the hard times will make the good times only that much sweeter. And to any trolls out there? Take a BREAK already.

  33. DebbieS

    Wow, Y. You rock. I really needed to read this today, because I’m closing my own blog soon. My DH reads it obsessively instead of actually talking to me and I wrote one tiny complaint on it about something that he actually trashed my feelings about and he called me from work sulking about it. And I love to write and hadn’t written a thing in years before I started my blog. So, anyway, I understand where you are coming from, because I’m not “allowed” to express myself and I keep on saying that I’m fine, too.
    But, you and Pighunter love each other, and it’s going to be OK, because if anyone deserves it, you do. Keep on hanging in there, You’re my hero today for what you said.
    Oh yeah, and if you’re ever in San Diego, let me know about that cinnamon dolce latte!

  34. Dawn

    Oh honey. You have me bawling my eyes out. Your dad’s prayer? I am praying that for you, too. Not the judgement prayer or the change her prayer, the comfort her and let her rest in Your arms prayer.

  35. JesseeezMom

    Y! Reading about your Dad makes me miss mine soo much! There is nothing like our Father’s love! I mean that both by our Heavenly Father as well as the ones He has blessed us with here on earth.
    I had kept journals in the past, after going back and reading about the crappy days I had completely forgotten about until I read them, I realized that it is so much better if I am going to write something down to remember it is so much better to go back and remember the happy silly stuff. I broke my pelvis after my husband rolled a gas powered golf cart and I got thrown under it- I have happy memories even of that! It was in the emergency room with my husband singing Christie Lane commercial songs to me “One day at a time Sweet Jesus” I was actually laughing with 2 dislocated hips in the ER!! You have an awesome family (everyone’s family makes them crazy) just remember “we can pick our nose but we can’t pick our family” Just keep laughing and everything will be okay!
    Love, the internet

  36. Mrs Butter B

    Well, girly, you’ve gotten me crying….
    Your little solo was precious- oddly, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard your voice, and I was surprised at how young you sound (ha ha).
    Actually, it was really awesome, and so perfect that you were singing about an Oasis of Love, after just telling us that you’ve actually found a little oasis of love in your parents, in their home, in the heart of your family.
    I hope you’re still singing, it sounds great. You’ll get through this (what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?)
    I think what’s amazing is that we’re all struggling with our own individual catastrophes, but a post like this just pulls us all together, the feelings are the same although the details are different.
    Just have to ask, did you do the hand motions to the “I’ve got a river of life”? Because VBS was never complete unless you did ALL the verses with ALL the hand motions, you know!
    You’re amazing, Y, and please don’t ever leave us!

  37. Y

    we SO did the hand motions. Infact, I could write an entire post about church songs and accompanying hand motions.

  38. chasmyn

    Oh, Y, I am in tears. My gut says that you absolutely WILL get through this and that you will come out of it happy and strong and shining, as you always do. And y, it is SO okay to cry. In fact, it is very healthy to cry, because it releases the stress and there are hormones released that actually help you heal. So cry.
    And wow, how amazing and perfect for your father to pray in that way for you and to openly let you know how much he loves and cherishes you. It makes me weepy again just thinking about it.
    You are so powerful and so beautiful and so amazing, Y. The fact that you could be present to the beauty of your father’s gesture and how much he loves you even through all of this – it is a testament to your soul. You are in my prayers, too, and it saddens me to see you hurting like this, too. And I KNOW that you will make it. I KNOW.

  39. Summer

    Oh Y! You have touched me. I pray for you and your family often. A home and job will come along soon. You are a stong woman. Hang in there girl.

  40. Suebob

    Y, you are a gift to the earth and I am not saying that lightly. You blog is so great. I am sorry that trolls feel a need to get all up in your business, but I truly think that means that they are frightened by how clearly you speak your truth and the power that comes from standing in your own self. The most honest, talented people get the most trolls.
    I know what you mean about The Sad. I go around with a stupid smile plastered on and can’t wait to get out to my car or in bed to cry.
    I love your dad for that conversation. It made me cry, because my dad is too bound up emotionally to ever do anything like that and I so wish he would.
    God bless you all, in the way that your dad prayed for you. Peace, health, happiness and love to you all.

  41. Tug

    I’ve been reading for awhile – lurking if you want…but this post truly made me want to comment. Scream at hubby (with the understanding that he needs to listen to the ‘whole’)…then hug him & say just what you did here. It’s BOTH of you, you’re in this TOGETHER…and YOU.LOVE.HIM. It may be just what he needs to hear.
    And your dad? OMG…from a daddy’s girl? Yay for him for reaching out to you. You’ll get through…my thoughts & prayers are with you all.

  42. Claire

    I agree with everyone else here when they say that even though you don’t know us, we still feel for you and wish you the best! Good luck sweetheart!

  43. Mary Jo

    I am in (sort of) the same position as you all are. Currently living with my husband in my mothers home. It hurts. It sucks. We feel like we are failures. I thank God we don’t yet have kids, because I know that must be so much harder to deal with. One day things will turn around, for all of us.

  44. Denise

    This post made me cry…
    I’m so glad you’re opening up again. I’ve missed your “raw” posts…I can relate to many of your feelings. We lived with my parents (with our three kids) for awhile, so I know how hard it can be. It can be a strain on a marriage, but I pray you and Tony will stick close.
    I canNOT believe you’re only six in that recording. Girl you could sing!

  45. jen from boston

    God, now I’m crying. really. I think hearing your Dad saying that – esp. not expecting it, to hear such words of love when you most need it can knock you on your ass. Man, how *did* you hold it in?
    I think we all need to hear our Dads say stuff like that, that they’re in our corner, that they love us and they want nothing but joy for us. Your pops went for the trifecta. That’s such a gift.
    Anyway, I was reading on Heather B’s blog a quote she used for an older post, “every path hath a puddle.” So in my estimation, right now you just got one, big puddle* to contend with, but you know you will get there. If if you don’t or it doesn’t feel like it, I (and your friends and fans here) do.
    (*I am not reducing your probs to a mere puddle. It’s like…an analogy or something, ah’i-eeet?)

  46. Inalelori

    I’m glad to see that you are writing again and I hope things work our for you guys soon (keeping my fingers crossed) and they will. I’m a firm believer that things happen for a reason, and while its hard to see it when you’re in the middle of it, as soon as it gets better you will probably look back and think “oh this is why that happened” At least that’s how it’s been for us. We spent a couple of difficult years living with family (and some of it forced to live apart even), and while they were very very hard, they were also very rewarding and I look back on those years fondly now and we are much stronger people now than before we went through all that and we wouldn’t be where we are not (right where we want to be) if we hadn’t gone through that shitty period. I’m finding it very hard to open up and write about it online, and I admire you for being able to be so honest. I’ve even gone to such lengths that I deleted the journal I’ve had since ’98 and started a blogger one, thinking that I might be able to open up if I was more “anonymous” No such luck. You’re so strong, even if you might not feel like it all the time, stronger than I am most likely because you can write about it, and you will get through this and it will be better than before when you get to the other end 🙂

  47. girlplease

    Who’s using shit against you? Uggghhh that’s a low blow. But I understand how you feel. Just remember, your feelings are never wrong. And you’ve always seemed like you had good intentions. Be true to yourself.
    And give yourself a Fonzie “ayyyyyyyyy” thumbs up.

  48. Brandi

    Oh, Y. That moment with your dad broke my heart. To me, there is nothing more precious than the love between a father and his daughter. Nothing. His heartfelt prayer for you is echoed in the prayers of so many of us. Nothing lasts forever. You guys will get through this and everything will be alright.
    (((big, squeeze the breath out of you hugs)))

  49. Nancy

    That was a beautiful moment between you and your dad and I’m so glad I read that – it just made my day better. Any transition phase is really stressful. Floating, unanchored – at least I hate that feeling. But you WILL find a place to live and make a new life and all this stress and sadness will be over. I’m looking forward to reading about that.

  50. JustAnotherCliche

    I’m so glad you are back. I must say – embrace the sad – too often we try to tell ourselves we have no right to be sad and it IS okay to feel sad sometimes. Things can always get worse but it doesn’t mean we don’t get to be upset about where we are.
    That said, what is with mean people on the internet? WTF??? You are fabulous! You make me laugh and cry and I wish I knew you in real life. I wish I could give you back all that you give me when I read your blog. I also wish I could buy you a case of the bean dip you love but I don’t know what kind or where you live or even if we have such fabulous bean dip here in the northeast. Probably not. UGH! I want some bean dip now.

  51. Mom101

    I’m so proud of you for getting out of your comfort zone and saying what had to be said. You’re strong and beautiful and loving and loved–on the internet and off.

  52. MammaLoves

    Your honesty is amazing! I understand what it’s like to have to feel like you have to hold it all in. My problem is that it always creeps out in other places when I don’t want it to. If your blog can be that place, so be it. Those who understand will be right here, like your Dad, praying for you and cheering you on.
    You’re a strong woman, even if you don’t feel like it right now. It’s okay to be strong and to cry too. We’ll still love you.

  53. Marriage-101

    I’m so glad you decided to “speak your truth.” That’s the reason I started reading you in the first place. I use writing as therapy often, even if I don’t always publish it on my blog. I’m very proud of you for staying so strong for your family. Just remember, tears are not a sign of weakness. More often than not, they’re a sign of love. Sending happy thoughts your way…

  54. Michele

    Y – you don’t know me. But I know you and your family. I read you through my friend Jen’s site. My heart goes out to you. I understand. You see, I just moved in with my wonderful friend Jen and her family due to finances. Every day and night I stay in my room. Every day and night they invite me out to join them and be a part of their routine. I feel like a loser. A third wheel. I’m 37 and have no home. No family of my own. No one to say they are glad I made it home safely and they love me. And then my friend opens her heart and family to me. That’s their way of saying they’re glad I’m home and they love me. I am utterly thankful. They don’t know it but, but they saved my life. My heart in complete despair and worry. They loved me. They saved me. I know you are in a tight spot, as am I. But look at those faces, the smiles, the tears your father cried for you, the home they opened up, the children’s laughter and the husband that is still by your side and love them till it hurts. Your family will be just fine. He has a plan. He knows your pain. Hand all the harship to Him. I’m going to. Bless you and yours.

  55. Michelle

    Oh, bloody hell. Could you have maybe put a wee warning saying we were going to need a box of tissues to read this post?
    Everything’s going to be okay. 🙂

  56. lizinsumner

    And enjoy it I did! You had, and I’m sure still have, a beautiful voice. And your dad’s prayer – well, he got it 100% right. I’m a believer, too – one who spent over 20 years of my adult life ignoring the faith that I’d been raised in. I remember the “get right with the Lord” lectures, which were given in love but which were wrong. Bad things happen to believers, just like anyone else. Living your faith and seeking God is no guarantee for a happy life, or a trouble free one. But, from personal experience, I can say that it makes for a more peaceful life, regardless of outward circumstances, if that makes any sense. I don’t know the whole story of your situation, but I can feel your pain in your writing. So, just know that I’m praying for you too.

  57. Sara

    Hearing young Y sing Jesus songs completes me. Dude, so crying over here and I totally love you.

  58. Candy

    Dearest Y.
    I’d like to share with you a few thoughts because I can sympathise with your situation.
    1. Please don’t feel like you’ve completely failed. You only fail if you fall off the face of the earth. Really, You’ve got your wonderful parents to help you through this. Please don’t take them for granted. I’m parentless now. I’ve been homeless before. Homeless means no home. You have one. It may not be your own but honestly, it can be a lot worse.
    2. Since you’ve been through therapy before… you understand that you have to cry and let it all out. Otherwise it just builds. Take some time to yourself and just let it all out. All of it, till you can’t cry anymore. Believe me, from the bottom of my heart it will help. The tears will empty your soul of sadness and a strength will take it’s place.
    I pray for you to find the strength you need to get back on your feet. It will happen.

  59. lar

    Oh, Y, I can empathize so much. When my husband and I lost our jobs and had to move hundreds of miles away from our friends and in with his parents, I thought my world had ended. I cried so many tears that I don’t even have any left now.
    But things got better. It took time, and we’re still healing, but we found new jobs, paid off our debts, we were able to find an affordable house, and things are better now than we ever thought possible. Just take it one day at a time; that’s all any of us can do, really.
    Add my prayers to your dad’s–may God’s peace rain down on you and your family, and may He bring you to a better place in your life quickly.

  60. tiffany

    um, did you just figure out that misery loves company, and decide to make the whole internet cry, too?
    because i’m crying now, and i don’t look pretty either.
    i’m glad you posted this.
    i’ve been checking in to see how you guys are doing. i hope things resolve themselves sooner, rather than later. but i’m sure you know they WILL resolve.
    i hope writing this made you feel a little better.

  61. Melina

    Please know that we are here for you and your family, to listen, to just be there to give long distance hugs ((hugs)). Because we have at one time or another felt the same way, and we understand. I am always amazed that when I write something (and I just started) how people will stop by and just say a kind word to me. Know that we don’t think you have failed and you shouldn’t either. Sometimes things come at you and you just feel out of control and helpless. Pighunter will come around and if he doesn’t then maybe it would be good for you to shake him a bit. Men sometimes retreat into themselves and us women have to kick some butt to get them back out.
    With love
    PS Loved the singing!!

  62. marjorie

    I agree with the comments–as shitty as things are right now, they will get better. But I know that probably doesn’t help you at the moment. I sympathise with you and your hubby and I hope things turn around for you soon.

  63. Jenn

    I read all of the time, but I never comment, but today I *HAD* to. Your words are so powerful to me Y, I am sitting here trying to type and tears are sliding down my face. I needed to read this today, I really did. We are also having hard times in our family – and I needed to hear your dad’s prayer, so I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed it, just for a second or two. Thank you for finding your voice and speaking your truth.

  64. Monet (aka birdsboss)

    Oh my gosh….Y …you are so wonderful…i truly am heartly sorry for what you are going through…me crying…you are my idol…and ppl like you are the reason I think the world is a place worth living in…repeat after me like i do to myself everyday…THIS TO SHALL PASS!!!!

  65. Y

    If I break down in the shower tonight and have a Soap Opera Cry, I AM BLAMING ALL OF YOU.
    I just love you guys.

  66. Virenda

    Amazing post Y and I so understand trying to NOT bare all, because sometimes it hurts too much. I hope things turn up for you and in the meantime remember that being sad, feeling depressed are okay. Everyone has their own struggles and just because someone’s may seem harder, doesn’t take away from your own pain. You don’t have to deal with guilt on top of everything else.
    Things will get better.
    Plus, you can always lay down at night and think about touching Jay Mohr’s ‘stache instead of crying.

  67. Melissa

    Sometimes, Y, you have to crawl through the dark to really appreciate the light. You spread joy with your stories and your memories. You help others come to terms with emotions buy letting them know they are not alone.
    When I read I don’t always comment but I am nodding my head in recognition of kindred souls as I recognize my own thoughts in your words.
    I have been there. It sucks. It seems impossible to get through. Happily it isn’t. You will find your place and Tony will realize that although you are in a tight spot now, the love you have as a couple and as a family has only grown stronger.
    That is something to be very proud of.
    I know people sitting in million dollar homes that are miserable because they don’t have the love of their spouse or their children. You have both.
    Your life is a constant source of unexpected joy. It’s just hard to find it sometimes.

  68. Kimberly

    I totally agree with the commenter that said something like you should get paid for the service you’re providing. You obviously resonate with so many people, I mean, just read these comments! So I’m going to go click on all your ads over there—> 🙂
    I’m so thankful for you that you have such a wonderful, loving family. And I say it all the time but I’m praying for you all!!

  69. Monet (aka birdsboss)

    Hey if you break down a lil and have a good cry in the shower i wont tell anyone if you dont tell that i do it too! 🙂 I feel like going down there in my ugly white van to wherever you are from Murrieta and buying you some starbux….hang in there!

  70. KimberlyDi

    I’ve phucked up so much in my lifetime. It’s amazing that I’m even alive. I’ve learned though, that life gives you 2nd chances. 3rd chances even. As many chances as you keep trying for. And while your final reality might not be as shiny as your first dreamed… It’ll be all the more precious because you worked so damn hard for it. Just keep trying.

  71. Tessie

    Delurking as well because this post reminded me that if we are really pulling for someone we shouldn’t just do it in our heads! Lame!
    REALLY pulling for you, and loved this entry.

  72. Beckie

    Wow – you already have 78 comments on this and you don’t need ME to tell you that I’m glad to see you blogging and, damn you, you made me cry.

  73. Wacky Mommy

    You are just a sweetie, Y. We’re going through some uncertainty here, as well. It sucks. But everyone loves you, babes. (And me, too 😉 And if they don’t — f@!k ’em.

  74. lynne

    Wow these recordings sound amazing. What a strong, sweet, clear voice you have for such a young child and are you playing the guitar at the same time? What were you a musical prodigy? And this is coming from the singing star of my own sunday school days (maybe cos there wasn’t that much competition). We could have had a “sing off” , but I think you would have won, although I was Angel Gabriel 4 years running – beat that! Joking aside, I hope your fathers prayers can help you accept yourself for the wonderful person you are.

  75. Julie

    You are going to be ok, and you have a beautiful, close family and your great sense of humor to help you get thru. This too shall pass. In the meantime, PLEASE write the way that you want to. There are lots of us supporting you-:)

  76. FlippyO

    I’m so glad that your dad knew the exact right time for the right thing. That this time didn’t need a lecture, but hope. I totally understand why Pighunter is depressed, but he needs to realize that sometimes crappy shit happens (a crappy landlord selling your house & a crappy driver who was careless and hurt more than herself), but it doesn’t get better until you work on making it get better. I’ve tried to get magic to work and have stuff get better by sitting on my ass. You know what, it doesn’t work. At all. Also, I’m sure the car accident was just the icing on the cake for him. Maybe he temporarily needs anti-depressants to get his brain chemicals back to where they were a few months ago.
    I’m glad you’re writing again. And I’m glad that the boys are happy living with their grandparents. It’s nice that they’re seeing the silver lining. A pool…yay! Video games…yay! I’m glad you’ve had a place to land, to gather your thoughts, and some nice memories for the kids with their grandparents. I know you guys will soon enough be living on your own again. And you’ll have place without those ugly kitchen cabinets. 😉

  77. Kyla

    Oh Y. I cried when I read what your dad did…because that is love. Very sweet.
    We’re here when you need us. Share what you can, and draw the line where you need to.
    I can’t hear the Jesus songs! At BlogHer, you’ll have to sing me one, okay? 😉

  78. Rachael

    You are SO blessed to have such a strong support system right now. I know how much that means when shit gets tough and you feel like you’re at your breaking point everysinglefuckingday and OH MY GOD when will I catch a fucking break already?!
    I entered a nasty self-sabotaging phase about 2 years ago, and it got to the point where I had to distance myself from my fiance, the person I loved most in the world, because I was pure poison to him at the time. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but it was for the best. I stayed with my mom for a few months and had many trials and failures before finally owning up to all the bullshit I created and starting again.
    Wow, sorry, didn’t mean to rant there. On a side note, if you need a quick pick-me-up, listen to “Back to Avalon” by Heart. Seriously.

  79. nobody

    I fail to see how you and tony have “failed”
    Are you kids smiling and have full bellies? Are they getting an education? Sounds to me not only are they getting those things, but seems to have all of the luxuries such as video games, tv and the rest.
    don’t let the “american dreaM’ we all have been sold to think that is what defines success and failure be your benchmark. If you spend all of yout time looking at tv and listening to the republican internet, and not realizing there are a hell of a lot more people far worse off than you think, then you will see yourself as a failure.
    so what if you and your husband got dicked over by some slum lord and you needed a quick place to stay at your parents. this happens quite often. again, tony didn’t fail you didn’t fail. if you sit around feeling sorry that you haven’t lived up to this pipe dream our politicians and banks have created to keep us working and paying taxes all of our lives, then you will have failed.

  80. Lyrce

    Oh girl. It will be alright. It really will.
    Remember the Greek wheel of fortune.
    (Go look up the picture if you forgot.)
    Folks on the top beaming, folks on the bottom bawling. Being on the bottom crying does suck, oh yes, but never forget that even when you can’t feel it, that wheel is just a-turnin.’ It must.
    Trust me on this because I do know.
    Love your blog.
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a beautiful soul, and sharing your experience the way you do helps, teaches, inspires and moves more people than you can ever possibly imagine.
    Many blessings to you and yours.

  81. Lulu

    I’m sorry that you’re going through such a tough time. I hope you and your husband can one day look back on this and admire how strong your marriage is and maybe be able to laugh a little.
    I hope that you get through this quickly and it only makes you stronger.

  82. suzyQ

    Hi Sweetie:
    It’s your old WW pal doing my quarterly check-in to get caught up on your life. I’m so sorry things are rough for you right now, but things will surely turn around for you and your lovely family soon. You have each other and that’s a lot more than a lot of people have!
    I know from reading your blog that you have learned so much about “joy” from watching your children so you need to look to them now to find those simple pleasures that they can see and we as adults have forgotten. My favorite blog of yours is where Gabby was dancing in the tutu…you were able to see how something so simple gave her such happiness. Truth is that life sucks a lot of the time; however, there is so much of it that is good, but we often can’t see past the bad on most days. So, chin up and just remember “feelin’ stuff” in NYC every time you need a smile! ;o)
    BTW Y? LOVED the singing. LOVED IT!
    Big huge hugs to you!

  83. Peggy

    I don’t know how I got here but I want to leave you with (((((THIS HUG)))))
    About 2 years ago I was in an extremely similar situation as you. My husband and I, along with our 3 kids and dog had to move in with my sister because of serious money issues.
    It took a miracle to get past it but its made me a very strong person. When you mentioned trying to practically talk yourself into believing you are fine? Oh wow. That was me and I remember it like it was yesterday.
    I’ll continue to keep your family in my prayers.

  84. verybadcat

    My husband and I both lost our jobs after 9/11 and lived with my parents for 1.5 years. Your post runs very deep with me, and as I read your words, I can still feel the all consuming shame, fear, anger, guilt, longing and love- that specific, horrible hurting feeling I had then.
    I hid all the guns from my husband. I had nightmares about finding him hanging from the rafters in the garage. My parents evoked this deep, seething hatred in me, because unlike yours, they were very judgmental, and I felt worthless for being in the situation, and tricked because they invited us there. Not to mention oh so guilty. Oh so guilty. Enough guilty to make me sick for being angry with them. Same thing with WH- hated him for breaking down when I needed him most, yet so breathtakingly afraid of losing him (and I almost did, twice), and so achingly desperate to get back what we had.
    Girl, this is going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. I believe you when you say that you’ve learned important lessons. This kind of situation is never due to bean dip. Bean dip may factor in, but this is a perfect storm of decisions, circumstances, and happenstances. Can you honestly, honestly say that when you made your decisions that you should have prepared for this perfect alignment of problems and happenings? Because no one lives their lives “just in case everything suddenly comes crashing down in a random, yet somehow ironically planned as a coincidence just for you” way. There are a million people who are doing exactly what you were doing, the stars just didn’t align in a way that blew them right out of normal. It could tomorrow, it may never.
    I hate to tell you this part, but it will take you nearly a year after everything gets back to good to completely recover the pain and heartache and shame that you’re basted in. Be very, very good to yourself- this is the only way to get out of the rabbit hole. You can’t make good decisions and maintain good relationships when you’re all bottled up and denying yourself any joy or luxury. It’s a long road and you need to be strong. Strong is doing what you need to do, regardless of what other people think.
    There will always be people, internets and real people, that will criticize you, use your honesty and and your flaws against you. I’ve poured my heart out online and off, and had the information used to squash my little heart like a bug. You must remember that it is these people who are too weak and bad and insecure to speak openly about their mistakes and flaws. They are mired in their own self-hatred, and the eight dollar bean dip comment is about reflexive biting- wherein an asshole gets so caught up in hating and hiding their own faults that they rip into weaknesses and vulnerability wherever they smell it.
    Keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing by your family. It will work out. It will come together. You will reap what you sow. I’m not religious at all, but I believe that you get out of this world what you put into it. Your writing and these posts are an incredible contribution. I think that the Universe teaches us lessons. Mine was humility and gratitude, and more importantly, self-worth (so very ironic, that). When you learn the lesson, things will get better. The Universe will reward you with a wonderful new challenge.
    I thought my life was over. I thought I had ruined everything. I thought that this was a sickening culmination of every bad decision I had ever made, and WH too. If you would have told me that five years after I lost my job, I would be living in my first home, with my WH, that we would both have good jobs, that mine would be a career and a calling and have a nice fat salary that I really have no business earning, and a dog, and pride, and some illusion of security, living in a place that I love, doing work that I love, and going to college, I would have laughed at you. Then I would have cried and told you I hated you. But here it is.
    I can’t wait to see where you land, and how this turns out. Because it is going to be incredible. You’ll see.

  85. KTP

    Y, you are a treasure. A TREASURE. Please hang in there, and when you come out the other side (or even before that), let’s hang out.

  86. Amber

    I could not resist the opportunity to post because 1) I’m comment #100 and 2) I really felt for you and your situation. While I don’t know any of your background, I can still empathize because at one point or another, we have all been there. Whether it is yo-yo dieting, unemployment, illness, etc.
    We are currently on the other side looking back at those tough times yet knowing it ain’t over until it is over. You will get through this…and Expect Joy again.

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