Last night I opened up (Ha! Ha!) to my husband about just how nervous I feel about speaking on the “Our Bodies, Our Blogs” panel at Blogher.
I was going on and on about how I feel shame that I had chronicled my weight loss and how so many amazing women (and men!) sent me emails telling me how I inspired them to get healthy. And now, I’ll have to sit up there on the panel sporting half of the weight I lost back on my ass and Oh! The Embarrassment!
Being the ever loving and helpful man that he is, he said “Just tell them how your husband thinks your sexy just the way you are, because he loves to have that extra cushion for the pushing.” (I wish you had been here to see it, because the entire time he was saying those words, he was doing the MOST EXCELLENT slow motion dry humping moves. Probably the greatest I have ever seen. He actually had his hands out, as if they were around my enormous waistline and he was hittin’ it from Da Back. Pure Awesome.)
I started to laugh. He wasn’t laughing. He got Very Serious.
“Babe, I’m serious. I love the way your body feels. (notice he didn’t say “looks” but that’s ok!) I love it so much. And to be honest, I don’t think I could ever boink a skinny girl. It wouldn’t feel as good.”
(I’m thinking that was a L-I-E because, um, when we first got married, I weighed 120 pounds and boyfriend was hittin’ it multiple times a day.)
Then he went on and on about how attracted he is to my body and because I tend to get uncomfortable when people say nice things about me, I lifted up my shirt, grabbed a chunk of gut and said “You’re telling me you find THIS attractive?”
“I find YOU attractive, yes.”
“that’s what I asked. I asked if you find THIS (*waves around the belly fat*) attractive.”
“Well, I don’t think it’s healthy, but baby, I love your body. I LOVE IT ALL.”
“BUT DO YOU FIND THESE FAT ROLLS ATTRACTIVE?”
“Baby, come here… Do you feel THIS? DOES THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?”
I had to believe him, because, dudes, Boners! Don’t! Lie!. And really, if my husband pops a boner while I’m waving my fat rolls in his face, I am inclined to believe him when he says he’s attracted to my body.
I believe The Boner.
Something like this may or may not have transpired in my own household.
Just sayin.
I believe The Boner, too, girl. And your post unexpectedly made me get a little teary, because my hubby is exactly the same about my body (i also was a Child Bride, not as skinny as you were, but much skinniER). And he has a constant boner for me. It is crazy, i don’t get it, but god love him. I am teary because he won’t be here to appreciate the big fat sex goddess that is me, for a long time (Afghanistan, 15 month tour). Thank you for sharing that. We are blessed women.
I hear you Y. My husband loves my booty and it’s huge. He also says he could never be with a skinny chick. Which is good since we are like married and stuff. But we dated for 7 years before we got married and I’ve been fat the whole time. So yes, I’m also inclined to believe him.
My new motto is going to be either “Boners don’t lie” or “I believe the boner.” You absolutely rule. Your posts somehow manage to be simultaneously laugh out loud hilarious and beautifully tender at the same time. God, I wish I could do that.
Also-mah honey and I may have had similar conversations that led to fornication. It’s practically foreplay for us.
Amy, we totally would have had The Jesus Approved Sex were it not for the fact that I am CRIPPLED IN THE NECK AREA.
Poor us. We can’t have sex.
(MRI scheduled on Monday, hopefully they can find the problem and fix it. The Boner needs me to get well.)
I’m sure your husband has his faults, but do you know how lucky you are? Your husband is awesome! And it sounds like he’s saying this stuff because he means it, not because he thinks he has to.
I’ll come in with a guy voice here.
It’s true, the Boner does not lie. It is not capable of deep thought. It is purely instinctual, and if it likes what it sees, by gawd, the Boner wants to let ya know. Over and over. Just sayin.
Believe the Boner.
You are married to a good man. I know because he sounds just like my husband and he’s a good man.
And as you said, boners don’t lie.
You’ve got a great husband!
(Still laughing over here. And Murphy made me laugh even more!!)
“Boners doen’t lie.” TOTALLY AWESOME. You should sell CafePress tee-shirts on your site that say “Believe the Boner.”
Nope, the boner does not lie. Your husband rocks.
Why is it that I believe him, but when my own husband says the same thing, I think he’s just trying to be nice and he would get a boner if the wind blew the right way? Arrrgh.
I hear you also about the panel. I find myself not wanting to visit people back home because I have gained 70 lbs. AFTER loosing all the weight after my last baby. I keep telling myself to hate the weight, but love myself, but I just can’t seem to forgive myself for all the weight I have piled on.
OH.MY.GAWD!!!
I had to send this to my sister because it had me laughing so hard.
That’s a big honor, you know- when I send something to my sister!
“I had to believe him, because, dudes, Boners! don’t! lie!
OH.MY.GAWD, I can’t breathe! Laughing.So.Hard!
as paris hilton would say “thatz hawt!”
great post. listen to the boner at all times. boners do not lie.
Lol! So funny! I too have shaken a few rolls at the hubs….
I agree with chickadee- you should definitely coin that phrase and spread the love with t-shirts…
Cheers!
Heidi
OH MY GOD!
BONERS DON’T LIE!!!!
THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE READ TODAY….THANK YOU!
pighunter is a fine ass man….. isn’t it sad that our men can love us the way we are and then we insult their taste by insisting that they SHOULDN’T???!!!
I’ve gone thru this same conversation with my husband through the years and he tells me how HOT I am and what a MILF I am and i think he’s delusional. Why can’t we just accept that they love the whole package…fat rolls and stretch marks included???
it’s like we like to punish ourselves for our sin of “fat”.
i love yvonne!
Aren’t husbands great?
Sometimes, if Rob’s sitting on the floor, I’ll run up to him and “teabag” him with my gut.
And yet, he still wants to bone!
All hail the Boner!
Great post, Y 🙂
Bonners NEVER lie !!!!!
You crack me up Y!
I think there should be a panel called Our Bodies, Their Boners. Heh.
HAHA.haaaaaa.
And let’s celebrate that with some bean dip!!! Amen!! Pig Hunter!!
You So need to make a button:
Boners Don’t Lie
I’d put it on my blog.
For sure.
You are a lucky and beautiful woman.
That is awesome :^)
I didn’t think I’d ever find a post about boners so touching. Not touching touching, you know, uh, sweet, touching. Though that can be sweet. AH. Nevermind. Your hubby’s a doll. I gotta find me one like that.
Personally, The Boner can get annoying. The Boner thinks that it should always make an appearance and sometimes IT needs to realize that I’m trying to make dinner and unload the freaking dishwasher, not trying to get boinked.
Did you tell him the part about wearing the moomoo and curlers in your hair or the big plastic bag to BlogHer?
You guys are HILARIOUS. Awesome story.
LOL!!!! Dude I had to make my husband read this and his first reply was, “SEE!!! Ha! I’m not the only one!” Because this conversation? We have it fortnightly.
Thanks Y. You are rocking it and don’t you forget it! The Boner Doesn’t LIE!!
I gotta tell you….I’m tempted to go shake my gut in my husband’s face to see if I get the same reaction! But my better judgment tells me not to play that game. : )
This story is wonderful, though. Seriously.
Boners never lie. They just lay.
Wow, between the sweet/hilarious post and these comments? I am all crying and laughing all at the same time. Yay for sweet wonderful husbands!
aww that is the sweetest account of a boner ever. i think you have a lot to offer on that panel because most women who want to or do lose weight still struggle with its fluctuations and what that does to a person’s confidence so your story is very familiar to your audience. i think you will be a valuable addition to the panel and wish i could see it in person.
I made my husband come over and read this entry because I could have sworn that entire scenario had played out at our house, word-for-freakin’-word! You made the both of us smile… 🙂
Y, by blogging your weight gain, you’re keeping it REAL. Seriously. Something like 95% of dieters regain everything they lost within two years and then ALSO gain even more. By only putting on half the weight you lost, you’re WAY ahead of the game. You’re also doing your readers a great service – dieting is a BITCH. It’s not easy and most people fail. Most of those people probably want to read that it’s hard and it’s a struggle, not how easy it is for you. You just go there and represent YOURSELF. That’s what people want to hear about! I’m really sorry I won’t get to be there this year!
And our last name is basically a variation of the word “boner”. The boner? It never lies.
That is so sweet. But I understand the initial disbelief. I have the same conversations with my husband and I even try to prove him wrong by showing the “bowl of jelly” (my huge gut). I tell him to squeeze it and feel how flabby it is. Like, “SEE THIS? You can’t be attracted to THIS!” He, too, always comes back with the boner. Cant argue with the boner.
Wonderful post, and it’s true! The boner doesn’t lie.
My husband also doesn’t want to be a skinny chick either. When we were going out and I had lost my butt fat from dieting, he was actually distraught! And asked for it back.
Shakira and her “hips don’t lie” has nothin’ on you, Y!
This post just fractured me.
Y, I love you. 🙂
This post almost made me want to seriously contemplate marriage. Oh that Pighunter, such a sweetheart.
I think I love you even more, just for this post.
Believe the Boner – I think I’d buy a few bumper stickers for the girl. You could make a killing by making your hilarious statements t-shirts. I would definetly wear a “I participate in the jesus approved sex” tshirt.
Thank you for as always brightening my day.
um, i just started sining ‘boners don’t lie’ to the tune of fergie’s ‘big girls don’t cry.’ i am more than a little disgusted with myself.
on a happier note, that was really a beautiful post. some people think that boners and beautiful posts don’t go together, but you have just shown that they do.
thanks for sharing.
I need to talk to you. I am moving to Tulsa in a week. And I am in love.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
Oh lucky you and yes you’re going to do great.
Cheers
“I believe the boner” has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read, like, EVAH.
ha ha ha ha ha
He’s a keeper for sure, but HELLO, so are you! See? You guys are perfect for each other. I, too, believe the boner.
🙂
That was hilarious!!! It was so hilarious that I felt compelled to read it to my husband. Halfway through he turned to me and asked, “Do I have to know this?” YES, IT’S SO FUNNY!!!! So I finished reading it aloud (which might have diminished from its funniness). When I was done, I was laughing (still) and (I assume) he was wondering why he married me in the first place. 🙂 But dude, that was hilarious.
Oh, HELL YES. You should SO say that at your panel. Awesome.
My husband likes the weight gain because he likes that the boobies get bigger. Men and their boners are bad for our health.
I couldn’t think of anyone better to speak on that panel. They’ll be laughing their asses off. I wish I was going.
That last line is quite possibly the funniest damn thing I’ve ever read.
This post made me sad, but that’s okay because it also made me think. I’m NOT a killjoy and I DID enjoy the funny lines, but as xtx’s post and Scout’s Honor’s post touched on, my ex-wife did not “believe the boner.” And I swear she was only 5-10 pounds overweight our whole 10 years of marriage, but she thought she was fat. And when I tried to express how sexy I thougth she was, she would say “your dick gets hard when the wind blows” or “you’d stick that thing in anybody.” It really hurts when the woman you love, insults your taste in women.
Fucking BRILLIANT!!!
Your husband sounds like a gem- of course he would have to be to deserve you. 🙂
you have the ABSOLUTELY BEST hubby in the world. Keep him forever.
I’m thinking that should be your new tagline. Why, just the thought of it…do you know what it DOES to me? 🙂
(PS: Your husband sounds amazing.) 🙂
Pighunter is a keeper!
Man, when your sons’ friends eventually find this blog, you’re gonna be SOOO busted! 🙂
I had to chuckle. 🙂 Yeah, I’d say he loves ya and is attracted to ya just the way you are.
I had to laugh even harder when I read Anna’s comment above mine 🙂 Hehe.
Amen sister. Amen.
You know, oftentimes when I read blogs or message posts written by straight women, their husbands sound like total assholes. This is such a nice change – your entry and lots of the comments. No, seriously. I like reading about people who are nice to each other and actually like each other.
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This post as a Venn diagram here. 🙂