You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Til it Almost Gets Chopped Off by Flying Wood.

PigHunter has this “cabinet” that he’s been working on for his “tools” in the garage. He’s been building this “cabinet” for about a year. I have come to believe this is something he does to get out of having to do any kind of housework (“I can’t help with the laundry because I’m building my cabinet! For my tools! So I have room to do things in the garage, like, build imaginary cabinets!”)
I used to get pissed off about his stupid cabinet. Especially when he’d be like “I’m going to plant grass this weekend!” And hours would go by and grass wasn’t planted because he’d wasted hours in the garage “cutting wood” for his “cabinet.” But, I’ve come to accept the “cabinet” for what it really is.
His escape.
I have the computer. He has “the cabinet.” We’re even.
Last Friday night, he was in the garage working on “the cabinet” for most of the night. Just before 8, I heard him walk into the house. He walked into the kitchen and stood there. He looked a little pale, so I was all “You okay?” And he was all “yeah, I’m fine.”
So I dropped it.
Later that night, we were sitting on the couch and he turns to me and says “Honey, please don’t freak out. But…”
“I have to tell you what just happened to me in the garage.”
I was scared because any time he says “please don’t freak out” it’s totally something that warrants me freaking out (Example: “Honey, please don’t freak out… but I got laid off today!”)
He continued…
“While I was cutting a piece of wood, a 4 inch piece got caught in the blade, swung around (or something like that) and came flying at me at a very high rate of speed. And it hit me RIGHT HERE. (As he points VERY CLOSE to his ManHood.)
My reaction went a little something like this:
“What? Where? Is it okay? Are YOU okay? Did you damage it? CAN YOU STILL GET IT UP HERE LET ME SEE, LET ME TOUCH IT AND SEE IF YOU CAN STILL GET IT UP.”
“Baby!” He said, while protecting his junk because I was trying to grab it and make it all stiff. “It didn’t actually hit me there. It missed by an inch or two. It hit just above that right here by my (heheheeehe totally awkward but am going to say it) pubes.”
“Oh my God. Can I see it? Is there a bruise? Are you sure your dick still works? Because, like, isn’t there some wiring up in there that is vital to the erection process that could have been damaged and OH MY GOD SHOW ME YOU CAN STILL GET IT UP RIGHT NOW PLEASE.”
He proceeded to tell me that when it hit him, it knocked the wind out of him. He also wasn’t sure exactly where it had hit him because he was in so much pain. He said he walked to the corner of the garage, holding himself, worrying if he had just done something “really bad.” After he was able to compose himself, he undid his pants to assess the damage. To his relief, there was no damage to The Goods. Just a huge bruise a couple of inches ABOVE The Goods. He said he was fine, but promised to go see the doctor if the pain was worse in the morning.
I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to reach over that night in bed and “test it.” Just, you know, give it a little rub, or maybe a little, [small voice]blow[/small voice] I resisted, for fear of hurting him or damaging things that could have possibly been broken.
The next day, we walked around acting as if he had almost lost his LIFE. We were traumatized at the idea that he came THIS CLOSE to seriously damaging his ManHood and “would I have left him if he had lost it?” Nothing like a Near Dick Loss Experience to make you appreciate that Piece O’Man Meat like you did back when you were 19 and worshiping it on a daily, if not every other hourly basis.

44 thoughts on “You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Til it Almost Gets Chopped Off by Flying Wood.

  1. Marcie

    oh my god you are so frigging hilarious! I am dying laughing right now. Thank god you’re back to blogging!

  2. Norma

    I hardly ever comment but I then leave a dumb comment and what do you know…not only is it first it but has a typo! ARGH!! What I should have said is that I love you and your blog, never miss checking in for new posts and most importantly, I’m glad your husband was OK!

  3. sam {temptingmama}

    OMFG *dying!!*
    *wiping tears away*
    I fuckin love you. That was perfection!!!
    Is it a little early to run screaming “SHE’S BAAAAAAACK!!”?
    (I can’t wait for you to post daily again, I’m here rooting you on! You can do it! You HAVE to do it!)

  4. Carolyn

    oh. my. god. Near Dick Loss Experience. that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time. The wood almost Bobbitted him! SELF-DESTRUCTIVE WOOD.
    You are too funny. What a great pair.

  5. amy

    I cannot blame you for being terrified at the thought of that tragedy. Maybe he needs to wear an athletic supporter now when working out in the garage. Totally cracked me up!

  6. FishyGirl

    OMG, I’m so sorry but I laughed hysterically. My kids kept asking what was so funny. At least he’s okay, right?

  7. Velma

    It sounds weird to say it, but here goes:
    “I’m glad your husband’s junk is in one piece.”
    Wouldn’t that be a great card to get in the mail?

  8. Scout's Honor

    You said blow.
    I love you for that. Now that the family has found my blog, I will never probably write that word in my blog. Self-censorship is a bitch. I’ll keep working on it though.
    In other news though reporting the truth is okayon da blog such as my son offering to define the word “douche” to his mother. So effing helpful 12 year old boys are.

  9. Chris

    So he used #5 in the Maxim’s “How To Get Sex From Your Woman Any Time You Want.” Awesome.
    I would have used #7 but to each his own.

  10. Nina


  11. Tracy


  12. The Aitch

    omg, ur so funny! I am dying laughing! Especially here: “…or maybe a little, [small voice]blow[/small voice]…”

  13. Dorothy Stahlnecker

    LOL that was the best…however at my age if it was injured I might say it’s alright your alive don’t worry we’ll be fine…no sex… 62 ladies…great…
    my prayers are answered….
    Dorothy from grammology
    See what you have to look forward too…..Dorothy

  14. designergirl007

    You crack me up. That is the funniest story, especially for the first time I have been to your site. I had heard you blog was entertaining and it didn’t disappoint. It is true, whenever a husband says, “Honey, don’t freak out.” It usually means it’s something we should freak out about! Great story!!

  15. Deb on the Rocks

    Close call! With Valentines Day coming up, you should shop for the best athletic supporter money can buy to keep him safe. Maybe hockey players have some platinum-chainmail something? Or better yet, have PigHunter craft up something and you all can sell it based on his personal testimony. The infomercial will write itself!

  16. Cindi B.

    Favorite part of this post– all the “quotes” around the words that obviously would be air quotes with bent fingers in the air if you were saying them out loud.
    Thanks goodness for saving the man “junque”.

  17. Suburban Turmoil

    Looked at another way, you came THIS close to having your story told in a Lifetime TV movie!
    I can just see the re-enactment scene now- The slow motion wood flying in slow motion, the sad music, the look of horror on your husband’s face… and later, your brave campaign on Capitol Hill, resulting in legislation requiring penis goggles in all workshops. I have a tear in my eye even now, just thinking about all the penises your almost-story ALMOST saved.

  18. Marcy

    You know…
    I have been told I am funny ( and I THINK it was a compliment ) but seriously sometimes when I read your blog.. I feel like I should strap on a pair of DEPENDS… I have come THIS close to pissing my self with laughter…
    You made my day with that story.. Hope his wood is good…

  19. ben

    This has been a test of the Blow Job Broadcasting System.
    Had this been an actual Blow Job, you would have known what to do.
    We now return you to your regular blog. Thank you.

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