It's so hard watching people you love suffer from something you know all to well because you've been there and are fighting hard every day to not go back.
I'm talking of depression and anxiety.
Last night the friend that cancelled said she was having a hard time with anxiety and wasn't well. She'd hoped I'd understand.
At first I was upset, then I stopped and thought, that was me just a couple months ago. I was terrified to step out of my house because of how I looked. I felt like a monster. I have gained weight and let myself go. I didn't want the world to see me. No matter how hard people would try and beg for me to go, no matter how hard they tried to convince me that I would have fun "once I was there" I couldn't make myself do it. I still fight those fears everytime I step out of my house, but each time I feel stronger and I have finally realized I have been letting me life pass me by. I don't want to do that anymore, but it took a lot of hard work, love and talking to get me to this point.
I wanted to go to Karyn and tell her to just do it, to get dressed and come have some fun. I knew that once she got there she'd have the time of her life. Tony told me to call her and tell her that. I tried, she didn't answer.
I tried to explain this to my husband. When you're in that condition, you can't comprehend that you could actually have fun if you went out. You dread it, you fear it, fear controls you. It's horrible and the worst part is no one can do anything to convince you otherwise. It's as though you are a prisoner of your own mind.
It's so hard to watch someone else go through it, now that the fog has lifted from my eyes and I'm stronger. I feel so helpless. I just wish I could help, but I know from experience it's something only you yourself can fix, with lots of love and support from others, of course. All I can do is be there to cheer her on and tell her I love her and be there to hold her while she cries and when she feels she can't go on, but the one thing I want to do more than anything in this world, make her happy again, I can't do and it pains me deeply.
Sigh.
*hugs*