Joy Unexpected | It's Not Business, It's Personal.

July 08, 2004

And I'm scared I'll beat the shit out of the first person who asks me when my baby is due after I've already had her

I'm terrified of what's going to become of me after I have this baby.

My fear?

My weight.

I've never been this heavy in my life and I am scared of how I'll handle it. I've been known to hide from the world when I was fat, or should I say, when I thought I was fat. I was overweight, but I was never as big as I thought I was in my mind.

I would turn down invitations to birthday parties, weddings, trips to the river, to the beach, etc... I missed out on so many memories because of my distorted self image.

Now, I really am fat. I'm going to be a plus size woman for a while and I already can feel myself wanting to hide away from everyone from the shame. I don't want that to happen, but I can already see myself doing it. I already have decided I won't go to my cousins wedding in August. I don't want my family to see me that way. I won't have fun, even if I go, I'll be too worried about what everyone is thinking about me

I've changed in a lot of ways when it comes to my weight and how I see myself. I promised myself I would never let it stop me from doing what I wanted to do again, but I wasn't this big when I made that promise to myself.

I will lose this weight, I'm not worried about that, but what I do with myself until I lose it is what worries me.

I'm ashamed of what I've become and the way I look and after this baby is born, I don't know that I can face people because of how fat I will be.

Posted by Y at July 8, 2004 02:44 PM

Comments

Remember what I told you this morning. :)

Posted by: Joelle at July 8, 2004 02:50 PM

I will.

But get this. Right now, I'm outside bringing clothes in from the dryer. One of the 'hood kids (who's 4 years old) says to me "WOW, you got really fat!"

I'm like listen asshole, (ok, I didn't asshole, but I THOUGHT IT) I'm PREGNANT!!!!

but in a few weeks, I can't say that anymore. I'll just be fat.

Lord.

Posted by: yvonne at July 8, 2004 03:38 PM

Your weight does not control who you are. If you let your weight control you...well, you're missing out. You have a lot of people who care about you and missing out on a wedding because of your weight wouldn't be fair to you.

The weight will go back. You can do it. Don't miss out on life because of it. Remember you have it because of a beautiful little baby!!!

Posted by: The Sarcastic Journalist at July 8, 2004 04:22 PM

Start now.. start walking a lot. Not only will you lose weight but it will help labor! :)

Posted by: Trishie at July 8, 2004 05:51 PM

I know how it (weight) can hold you back. Try not to let it, enjoy your life and make wonderful memories for yourself and your family. You don't want to regret not living life to it's fullest when you are old. At least I don't!

Posted by: Chelle at July 8, 2004 05:58 PM

Oh Yvonne,

You know when I was pregnant with my daughter I shot all the way up to 236 pounds right before I had her. Then I had her and I was still upset that I was overweight, best thing to do is stroller=walk, walk, walk. If you breast feed you'll lose the weight faster. When we met I was thin thin thin, and I'm still thin. I went from 236 all the way to 120 in a year. It wasn't easy, but then again the best thing to do is just exercise, try not to get too worried about the weight and it will come off as long as you eat sensible. You'll do great. Plus a new little one will keep you busier than ever. Along with the other two that you already have. Hang in there. It'll all work out fine.

Posted by: Anonymous at July 8, 2004 06:55 PM

You, come and talk to ME, when you get a,"Great site, fatty" comment.

Posted by: melly at July 8, 2004 08:06 PM

You will lose the weight if you are dedicated to getting rid of it and not dedicated to wishing it would disappear on its own. You look fantastic in all of your photos, and a few extra pounds from being a mother is something that people will understand. Nobody is going to judge you for that, and if they do, they're not worth your time. Good luck!

Posted by: Caitlin at July 8, 2004 10:18 PM

Woman...you know that attitude you have most of the time? The one that has obviously been passed along to your children??

Yeah. That one...use that one to see you through. Think people are looking at you oddly? Fuck 'em! You have every right to do everything you want to do in this life! I'd wager that your family doesn't give a damn what you look like next month... if anything, their thoughts will (or should be!) focused on the fact that you just added the newest member of the family!

Take that advise from a woman who hasn't had children (yet!), but whose top weight ever was 310 lbs. I might not have had all kinds of dates, but I did have my fair share and have always had a fairly active social life. And I'm also losing weight (down over 80 lbs now!)...you will, too, as you said... but take responsibility for your own happiness and just MAKE IT HAPPEN! :)

Posted by: Firebrand at July 8, 2004 10:34 PM

I have to agree w/ anonymous. From what I've seen, a new baby is a WORKOUT!

Posted by: daniel at July 8, 2004 10:42 PM

yvonne, i am just someone reading your blog and you don't know me and i don't know if you even care what i think. i'll tell you anyways..

i have always been overweight, sometimes more and sometimes less, and there are still times i hate myself and then there are times i look in the mirror and actually like what i see. those times outweight the bad times now. but it took more than 15 years to get there. and a lot of love from friends and family.

you're such a great person (and this is just from reading - i would probably stalk you around if i knew you in person) and you have a husband and 2,9 kids that love you madly. so don't let yourself get into that vicious circle of staying home 'cause you worry about what other people think of you and then feeling alone and depressed 'cause you stayed at home instead of going out there to have fun. those who don't think you're awesome for having three kids and being the person you are, are a..holes and you give a f... about what they think anyways. and the ones who's opinion you care about will just see what a great person/mom you are and of course love you even with a big butt for a while! wow. done. ;o)

Posted by: kim at July 9, 2004 01:19 AM

I agree with Firebrand. Fuck 'em.

If anyone should (god forbid) give you a look, look them straight in the eye and say

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, I JUST HAD A GODDAMN BABY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?!

;)

But that would be mean.

Posted by: Stacey at July 9, 2004 05:14 AM

I can totally identify. I have a seven year old daughter who is precious in every way and totally well behaved, etc. etc. etc.

But I don't want anymore children. Why? Because I am totally selfish - I don't want to get fat and go through the pain again.

But you are not selfish. You are a wonderful mother who has embraced this unexpected event with love and excitement. You will be blessed so much.

The weight will be there, but from what I've seen of your pictures, after two kids you looked great, and I'm sure you will look great again.

Posted by: Ginger at July 9, 2004 06:27 AM

I can totally identify. I have a seven year old daughter who is precious in every way and totally well behaved, etc. etc. etc.

But I don't want anymore children. Why? Because I am totally selfish - I don't want to get fat and go through the pain again.

But you are not selfish. You are a wonderful mother who has embraced this unexpected event with love and excitement. You will be blessed so much.

The weight will be there, but from what I've seen of your pictures, after two kids you looked great, and I'm sure you will look great again.

Posted by: Ginger at July 9, 2004 06:27 AM

I had someone ask that 4 days after I had my first daughter. I went home and cried, then I lost the weight. Don't worry, people will be insensitive no matter what the situation. That's one thing that will never change.

Congratulations on the pregnancy! :)

Posted by: Sara at July 12, 2004 09:56 AM