Joy Unexpected | Winners do the Math!

July 08, 2004

evolution

That is the face of a girl who suffered from depression. The face of a girl who couldn't accept love from anyone because she couldn't love herself. In fact, she hated herself so much she just wanted to die so the pain would stop. A girl who would rip her hair out, cut herself because it hurt so bad inside. A girl who found no joy in the simple pleasures of the wonderful life around her. A girl who let others decide her self-worth. A girl who was so lost, she never thought she'd find her way back. A girl who was the mother of two of the most incredible boys who couldn't give them the love they needed because she was too wrapped up in her self-hate. A girl who would sleep all day, cry all night. A girl who looked to alcohol to fill the void and emptiness she felt inside. A girl who, when she looked in the mirror, saw a monster looking back at her.

That girl is now a memory, but, oh, how I remember. And every so often, when I'm alone, those feelings and emotions want to creep back in. Those voices that tell me I'm not good enough or that no one could really ever love me start swirling around inside of my mind. I have to fight them. I have to tell those voices to shut the fuck up. I have to remind myself of all that is good in my life, how it was always there but I was too sick to see it. I have to tell those voices that I'm strong now and they can't ever defeat and control me again. I run to my children and I hug them and I find comfort and truth in them. I call my
family and I tell them I love them and that I'm so glad they love me back.
I no longer run and hide and let this illness control me.

For the first time in a long time, I've found true happiness and I found it in loving myself so I can love and accept love from those around me. I never want to feel like that girl again. And I thank God that I was able to get to this point, and I thank myself for getting the help I needed and I thank my husband for loving me and standing by me through it all and I thank my kids for just being who they are because, without them, I wouldn't have fought so hard to find myself and in the process, find true love.

Posted by Y at July 8, 2004 07:36 PM

Comments

I'm so happy for you and your ability to now see yourself like your friends and family have seen you. You deserve all the happiness in the world, Yvonne...and from a girl who has overcome depression herself, I can relate to alot of your struggles. Don't ever let those negative voices win...and if you feel they are starting to get the best of you, you could always have Ethan go latino on em...

Posted by: Mia at July 8, 2004 08:27 PM

I dealt with years of severe depression and have only been able to feel truly happy within the last 2 years of my life...sometimes I am shocked at all of the time I wasted hating myself and everything around me. I am so happy that you have made peace with yourself and realize that life is worth it, once you start living it.

Posted by: Caitlin at July 8, 2004 10:15 PM

there's a picture of me i have that looks just like that. i'm glad you're where you are now too.

Posted by: shy me at July 8, 2004 11:01 PM

i think i've mentioned before how GREAT and AWESOME i think you are!!!

Posted by: kim at July 9, 2004 01:26 AM

I am SO happy to read all of that!!! :)

Posted by: Adelle at July 9, 2004 04:16 AM

You know Yvonne, one of the reasons I stayed here and kept reading you (besides the fact that you're fuck funny) is that I admired your strength through difficult things that I often related to.

I feel like I should be reaching through the screen and giving you a virtual hug or something, but that's super cheesy, so I'll agree with shy me.

I'm very glad you're where you are now. It makes me smile. :)

Posted by: Stacey at July 9, 2004 05:11 AM

And I thank you for sharing this, and giving me hope that one day soon I too shall conquer this demon of depression.

Posted by: Mellissa at July 9, 2004 06:48 AM

YYEEAAAHHHH!!!

Posted by: Amy S at July 9, 2004 06:54 AM

Depression has been part of my life as long as I can remember--my mom was essentially crippled by it when my sisters and I were growing up, and I inherited it (nature? nurture?) with a vengeance. For years I avoided dealing with it, because I felt I didn't deserve to be happy. Fast forward many years, to 1996--I started seeing a therapist, my wife and I decided to get divorced, I moved out ono my own, and I discovered the joy of waking up every day excited, not full of dread.

Well, that all went to shit. I called off the divorce, moved back in with my wife, and drew the Go Straight to Hell, Do Not Pass Go card. We moved to a different town, and after a couple of years I agreed to pursue fertility treatment. Now I have a three-year-old daughter who brings me great joy, but except for her I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's life, with no way out that won't subject her to the same trauma I experienced when my father left.

There's a moral here: You will overcome your occasional feelings of depression. But depression is like weight--you can go to great lengths to lose it, but the harder part is keeping it gone. You have to maintain your resolve, and position yourself (within the constraints of your personal obligations) to pursue your dreams.

Posted by: Scott at July 9, 2004 09:59 AM