If you need anything...let me know. :)

good for you Y, you're on the right track. i wish you the best of luck, and a quick and lasting recovery :)

I just wanted to ask something. Yvonne a few times you've commented about Dr Phil and I thought you liked his way of working on things. So I was wondering if you've read any of his books? I've also thought about it in relation to your weight issues.

I also think that depression is pretty normal and that you are showing your kids a normal part of being human, they can learn a lot from you dealing with and admitting that you get depressed.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Writing out negative thoughts and getting the kids to burn them helps me (they don't read them they just like lighting fires!)

Take care

Yvonne-- I have often wondered whether or not my depression stems from losing the religion of my childhood (not that I want it back).

And I have been wondering the same thing about you-- whether there are unresolved issues there, particularly because of your parents, etc. And maybe you need to talk to someone who specializes in helping people through these religious/spiritual issues...

I suffered for years from severe clinical depression. I'm 20 now, and I wasted almost half my life that way. I hated what it did to the people around me but nothing helped, not drugs, not therapy, not love, not money. It was only when I could make peace with myself and stop beating myself up that things got better. It didn't happen overnight, and I didn't make any major changes...I wish I had a better explanation for whatever helped my depression, but I think a lot of it is about learning to forgive yourself and not tearing yourself down. I wouldn't call myself "cured". I have my dark times, but I can finally say that the good days outnumber the bad.

If you ever need to talk, you have my email.

Good for you Y! You have to do what is right for you, and taking care of yourself is the very best thing you can do for your family. Seeking help in no way belittles the joy and love your family gives you - those posts ring with truth and love and genuine feeling, no denying it at all. That doesn't mean there's not still work to do, and seeking to do so shows an amazing strength.

Y,
You should be so proud of yourself for openly admitting you feel this way. I can feel your heartache in your words - and I will have you in my thought constantly. I've been where you are, and I've also recovered from it. I pray for the best for you in this time to come. If you ever want to chat, feel free to email.
Keli

Someone.

Forgot something today.

COMPLETELY FORGOT.

My god. I suck.

after i had ellie, i was so happy. and then the thoughts came the bad thoughts and i just wanted to cry and pick fights. i felt as if i was betraying her and how happy she made me as well.

know what? it's not her fault that i'm like this. she's just a little baby. same with gabby. all she wants is for a happy mommy to love her.

she wants you to get better so you can take care of her and show her what a kick ass mama is like.

therapy isn't bad. i know. i go all the time. take care of yourself, k?

*hump* love you.

Y, I feel you, I really do. I'm glad you want to take care of yourself. Afterall, if you had heart disease, wouldn't you do everything you could to make sure you stayed well? Same thing. I hate the whole pill thing too, but you know, I need them (Paxil), and I don't fucking care anymore. They help. And then? I talk my problems out with people who can help. I think "mental illness" is seen as such a horrible thing. It's not. It just is what it is! Yay for you doing whatever you need to do to stay well!

Anita.

right on! it's only going to get better from here...you have a lot a of people that love you (me included) and we want you to join us. you're making the right decision, a great decision.

hang in there.love and hugs.

Y - I have done therapy with meds and without. It's been much easier with meds.

Girl,I know what you feel right now, and i'm so incredibly proud of you. I can't even explain it to you. I'm being treated for depression and every day it's sort of like, "who am I today, do i like myself, am i good enough for the people i have to face?" But even though words don't mean so much now when you can't even hear yourself except the little you inside cutting up your heart into tiny pieces, just try and hear us. We know your worth m'dear, just try n believe us. I love you, we're always gonna be here to help you if you need it.

I am sorry you feel like this, but you are doing the right thing by getting help. For some, depression is a part of life and something you need to take care of every day like some treat other illnesses. And that is Ok... Just hang in there and keep doing what you are doing :)

You've come through this before. You now have the knowledge, strength, courage and support to get through it again. I promise you that everything will be okay.

Let me start by saying how proud I am of you for deciding to face this thing head on and not run from it anymore. It takes a lot of courage to peel off all of those layers and get at the heart of what's causing your depression. But sometimes you need the drugs to get you well enough to go through therapy. I did a combination of the two, because therapy alone wouldn't have worked for me.

From the things you've written in your blog, I can see where you may have buried some very painful memories to the point where they are eating away at you. You need to get it all out, no matter what it is. There is probably nothing you can tell a therapist that is going to shock them.

I pray that you find an excellent therapist who will work with you to finally release the past and free yourself from those "inner demons". You are such a good person, and you deserve to love and feel good about yourself. I know that you can do it. You just have to let go.

You are not "broken". You just need a tune-up ;)

I have to agree with those who have said that it is easier with meds. I resisted them too-- for more than thirty years-- but they help.

wow... you are making the first step... and you are right about seeing a therapist... and writing in this blog should help you too.

Man.. how great is it that you recognize that this affects your kids too... Turtle was one of the main reasons I got my ass onto the couch as well.

Hang in there Y. I'll be rooting for you!

I 'handled' depression for years by denying that there was anything wrong.

During my pregnancy I didn't feel like myself. I was excessively worried and concerned over every little thin in my life. Then my son was born in 2002 and I could literally feel myself falling apart. I held it together for 18 months postpartum before I hit absolute rock bottom and required medication and hospitalization.

Going through postpartum depression made me realize that it wasn't my fault, or anyone else's, that I was sick. I've been on Celexa for over a year now and am grateful that I am able to live like a normal human being again.

Yvonne, be proud of yourself for reaching for help through this tough time. Please don't be afraid to go back on medication if you have to. You're a beautiful woman with an incredibley wonderful family. Always remember that :)

Just want to send *hugs* mojo

You're a strong person with many people in your life who care about you...you'll come out of this stronger, healthier and happier. You can do this! :)

Just wanted to say that I've felt some of what you're feeling, and I think you are brave and right to ask for help. Therapy is a great idea. Medication can be a great idea. (It has helped me through some rough spots, to be sure...and I was SHOCKED when my doctor handed me that script, let me tell you. It took me a little while to deal with even the *idea* of medication! Now I take it once in a while, so it doesn't have to be a forever thing, either, you know?) Delving into matters of faith can be a great idea.

And since we also share weight issues, may I very humbly and quietly suggest that exercise can be a great idea, too? I feel so sheepish writing that, because for ME of all people to point to exercise as a mood-lifter...I mean, I should really take my own advice first, right? It's just that I know that when I am exercising regularly I feel so incredibly GOOD about myself - even if I hate every minute of the actual effort, and even if I am still a giant fat ass at the end of the day. I really believe that those endorphins are an amazing thing. When I was working out consistently and *hard* earlier this year, I experienced the mythical 'runner's high'...and I have never felt anything so awesome in my life. It had orgasm whipped by a mile. It didn't happen every time - oh, no - but when it did? Lordy. You could not scrub the grin off my face with abrasive cleansers. I also find that being in control of that one small area of my life gives me confidence and power in other areas of my life. I found a plan that suited me well (and, most importantly, allowed me to sit on my butt one day a week and eat whatever the hell I wanted...a must for any fitness plan, if you ask me) and even though I fall down time and time again, I know this works for me and I keep coming back to it. It has been a very good thing for my overall well-being.

So if you ever need a buddy in that arena, Y, I (as well as others, I'm sure) would be right here for you.

And no matter what route you take, know that so many of us are rooting for you. We see how wonderful you are even when your own vision might be temporarily clouded. :)

It sounds like you are on the right path. I have faith that you WILL find it. ((((HUGS))))

Just letting you know that my prayers and thoughts are with you, Yvonne. I know that you'll pull through this for yourself and for your family.

You're not betraying Gabby by admitting that you need help - in fact by getting yourself well you're providing a healthy and happy home for all your kids. I am really thinking about you, I know what depression is like and so I am wishing that you have a peaceful holiday, and that in the New Year you can concentrate on you :) Lots of love and luck, Y

Recogonizing that something is not right is the first step. Please don't deny yourself the pills while you work on the other issues Yvonne.

Depression is not always caused by junk in our minds, a very real chemical imbalance is the culprit most times. That's something that you have no control over, it's just the way your body is built. And that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I read you a long time ago before you even got pregnant with Gabby and remember you dealing with serious depression then. I would encourage you to get on one of the pills and keep following thru on the counseling.

If I can share just one thing with you I would like to leave you with this, Everything that happened to you in your childhood is in the past. If you can actually accept that fact and know that it has no bearing on who you are today then you will be amazed at the weight that is lifted off you. It holds no power over you, you have created a different life for yourself, you have complete control over how your kids are raised and you already know to not repeat the mistakes that so impacted your life.

You will be fine, you're such a strong woman, and you have a great family who's love overcomes all things..

well, first of all, i've been reading your blog for a few months, and in just that short amount of time i can say that you seem to be an incredible strong and wonderful woman. everything you said in this post reminded me of my father - he suffered for years with depression mostly associated with his weight. when he finally did go see a therapist, he was told that there was a pill that helped overcome depression AND help you lose weight. at first my dad thought he was talking about some speed pill, but he wasn't. after 2 weeks of taking it my dad appeared to have this giant weight lifted off his shoulders and was motivated to lose some weight. he stayed on the pills for a year, and has been off of them for 3 years. don't be scared of what modern medicine has to offer.....it may be just the boost you need. btw, the pill he took was wellbutrin - if you go to a therapist, ask about it.

Yvonne, I just wanted to say pretty much the same thing as everyone else here has said. Not only do we, the (sometimes) anonymous and faceless Internet People love you and want you to be well, but so does your family. And so, we all hope, do you.
I know you've been struggling with depression for a long time.
When I saw my family doctor, after years of ignoring my depression symptoms and telling myself "Fine fine, everything's fine, if you feel this way it's because you're crazy and you don't want to be crazy so you have to just pretend you're fine and then everything will BE fine!", she looked at me and said "You are ill. You wouldn't feel this shame about it if you had pneumonia. Why are you denying yourself treatment now?" -- that was a 'wow' moment for me. Then she explained how, as kb said, many times depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. We tried one kind of med-- it did nothing for me but caused me to gain 10 lbs and stay awake all night. The next one we tried... I'm much better now. I've lost 12 lbs in three weeks. I still have issues to deal with-- which is why I'm seeing a therapist as well. I feel that I need both-- the meds to help with the physical (chemical) part of things, and therapy to help with the emotional side. It took me forever to see things that way, though.
Okay well, this is long. I'm sure you can see by the outpouring of love and support you are getting from these comments that you have a lot of people rooting for you-- and we're so proud of you for taking these difficult first steps.

Bless you, Yvonne, for having the strength to admit that there's something wrong and taking the steps to get better.

Firstly, Yvonne, I think you're incredible.

Through the internet and friends, I was encouraged to go to therapy and honestly, it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. My doctor says at the least it's taking an hour out for yourself every week, how often to people do that? So go, go today. Find someone you can talk too. We all got your back. ;)-D.

You'll find it Yvonne. :)

Wow, look at all of these people who love you AND who have gone through a similar experience. Add my name to the list. While I have not struggled with depression, I have spent years in threapy working through the crap in my childhood and in my father's (he is a concentration camp survivor). It really helps. I went every week for two years, sometimes, when my father was very ill, twice a week. I still have issues about things, but the rage and hurt are greatly diminished.

I didn't use meds, but I wasn't depressed. I do have a ton of friends, and a husband, who were depressed and used therapy in combination with Paxil, Wellbutron, Prozac, whatever to get better. In my husband's case, he was only on Paxil for six months, it helped to "jump-start" the seratonin levels in his brain and after that he didn't need the meds. We both bop in and out of therapy as we need it. I went for six months before we had a baby.

Be easy on yourself. Take a look around at all the other people you know who needed or need help. You don't judge them, so don't judge yourself.

I do have to second Michelle's advice about excercise. Just getting out every day and doing something for yourself (even if you are pushing a stroller) helps. Your body and mind will feel a difference immediately.

XOXOO

I wish the best, Yvonne. I don't know you outside of reading your website, like, EVERYDAY, and you definitely don't know me, but I think you're awesome. And I think seeking medical help is courageous and such an act of love for your family. Good luck and may God bless you and your family.

Betraying that little girl would be not getting the help you need. And having PPD myself and taking zoloft and seeing a therapist (Thank goodness for both) sometimes it's not really you or your supposed messed up thoughts...sometimes it's the chemicals and hormones that are lacking in your body and brain. Drugs can help that, try to be open to them. Take care and I am still v, v proud of you.

It takes a lot just to get help in whatever form. I wish you strength as you go through this journey of healing.

*(*(*hugs*)*)* I think you have shown enormous strength just in putting these words to screen. Hang in there, get the help you need. Not only will your family thank you for it, you will thank yourself. I know you don't know me, but I have gone through similar experiences for the last 12 years. Thank you for reminding me that I need to get my butt in gear, too. :)

:: hugs ::

I know the feeling. I was broken for a long, long time.

It's okay to feel down, makes us human. If anyone, you have the strength to overcome this, it's just another obstacle that will make you even stronger than you already are. Love ya girlie! Damn, wish I lived closer :*(

You hit the nail on the head when you said you are sick. Our bodies are full of various chemicals that work in harmony for our physical and mental health. Sometimes, for some reason, those chemicals go out of whack resulting in... cancer, diabetes,mental illness...alll of which are treatable once they are recongnized and dealt with.
This is not a moral issue, it is not a character issue. it is a health issue.
Someday, if you ever want to, I'll tell you the story of my sister who refused to do the look in the mirror that you're doing now, refused to face what her life has become.
Good for you. Every step you take to make yourself well is a loving act for you and your family. Don't ever feel bad for getting help. It's the ones who don't that have way bigger problems.

Just stopping in to say hello and to congratulate you on your recent nomination at the BoB Weblog Awards 2004.

www.blogmechanics.com/bob

The fact that you can admit when you need help makes you stronger than most. Do what is right for you and your family. We will be here to support you, no matter what.

Sending you a great big hug from New Mexico!!!

I've been thinking about this topic and therapy all day. Australia hasn't embraced therapy the way the US has and so I don't know anyone who's ever had therapy or visited a therapist. So I'm over here wondering what a therapist actually does. I imagine that you talk about things that are getting on top of you. Is that right? And if that is what they do is it the fact that they are not personally involved with your life that makes it easy to unload.

Also a few people have talked about chemical imbalance. Is there a blood test that can show which chemicals are unbalanced? Or do they just try different drugs until they get it right. I know from my own experience that the one time I took anti depressants they made me worse. Suicidal in fact. Was that a case of the wrong medication being given?

Yvonne if you do choose therapy show them your blog. With it's help you can pin point times that you've been in the dumps and that might help you even more.

I don't know that you'll even see this comment because, well, I'm a bit of a lurker, and a quiet one at that... and there are FORTY-FOUR comments above mine (!!!)....

At any rate, I wanted you to know how much I empathize with you, as I have, like you, found myself again at a low that I swore I wouldn't reach again... and yet here I am, and if I don't pick myself up soon, I stand to lose many of the blessings that I have in my own life. I commend you for your courage, both online and off, and I thank you for sharing what is in your heart and in your head - I know it isn't easy. I also want you to know that, with your words, you have bolstered my own courage, given new breath to my hopes for getting better.

All the very best to you, and thank you for brightening my day as often as you do.

If I may recommend:

"Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn. There is a book and a workbook. Excellent stuff for the weeding/digging around in your life to come up with a different perspective. Some of the "exercises" in the workbook may seem goofy at times, but if you throw yourself into it and really do them, your life could be changed. Mine was.

You're beautiful, Y. I hope that you stand in front of the mirror and say that straight to your face, over and over. Say it, even if you laugh or feel resistant. "You're beautiful. You're worthy of love. I love you." What else have you got to lose? Don't worry about it being "silly".

Good luck....

I was noticing that you had your daughter in August. That was only 4 months ago.
I had delayed post pardum. It started when I quit breastfeeding. I mean I know that from reading some of your other posts that you have had this issue before but was it generally right after having children?
I am overweight and not as sexy as I use to be but I do try to take care of myself. Take a moment and do your hair, makeup and get dressed in something other than sweats. It does something for the attitude.
Also seeking professional help is good but you're not broken. Just in need on a little help over the hump.
Take care.