My biggest fear throughout most of my life has been rejection. Not rejection from strangers, either, rejection by people in my life, people who know me, people who love me.
I want to be loved. Always. For who I am. No matter what.
At times, that fear has consumed me, crippling my ability to get close to people. I become afraid that once they get to know me, they'll turn away from me.
Recently, a new fear is slowly starting to take over my life and I'm not sure how to deal with this one.
The fear?
Losing my teeth.
My mother lost all but 5 of her teeth by the time she was 22. Most of the teeth in my mouth have fillings, root canals and are crowned. The very front two are veneers (I had them done because they used to be HUGE and I always hated my smile, but now I'm thinking I should have left them the way they were because HOW DO I KNOW WHAT THEY WILL LOOK LIKE IN 5 YEARS?) and the teeth next to the front two are all fucked up (because we didn't have any dental insurance growing up, so they had to put fillings on them and the feelings are discolored now and I'm afraid to have them fixed because, what if they accidently drill the veneers and fuck those up?)
Just writing this is making me hyperventilate. I think of it this way. If someone I love walks out of my life, at least I HAVE MY TEETH. Sure, teeth can be replaced, but who can afford that shit? NOT ME, that's who.
I've become extremely paranoid about what I eat (pureed food can't be that bad now can it?). I'm afraid if people get too close to the general area of my face. When people come at me too quickly, Operation "I aint trying to have teeth accidently knocked out of my mouth" is in full effect. And don't even get me started on the fear I feel when I walk onto the basketball court for my son's practice. (Hell yeah I run like the wind when I see a ball coming at me)
I know what brought this fear on. The fact that my husband chipped his front tooth by BITING HIS NAIL and had to crazy glue the fucker back together. It hit me... THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME! I can't even imagine worrying about that piece of tooth falling out at any point during the day and walking around semi toothless and not even knowing I was semi toothless.
FREAAAAKY.
I'm terrified. Seriously. I need my teeth and I don't know how I'd live without EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM in my mouth.
Do you have those horrible nightmares where you're like standing in the bathroom and one of your teeth falls out, and suddenly all your teeth are falling out like chicklets and clattering around in your mouth and against the sink as you spit them out? ERGH. I hate those dreams!
Some ass-vice to irritate your PMS:
1- Avoid carbonated beverages. The acid eats teeth like there's no tomorrow, and doesn't do good things for other bones in your mouth either.
2- Avoid sugar. Even if you brush it doesn't matter--the sugar gets into your blood and goes coursing through your body attacking every toothy-type critter known to mankind.
3- Try to keep your mouth on the slightly salty side. It discourages the evil bacteria that like to grow and eat teeth. If you can stand it, rinse your mouth out with salt water after you brush.
4- Floss. The gums are the leading cause of tooth loss, not the teeth themselves.
5- Avoid meat wherever possible, it increases the "decaying matter" factor of your mouth. (eww) Animal protein also chases away calcium necessary to keep the teethers happy.
6- Avoid dairy products. The lactic acid in cow milk likes to eat teeth.