I finally got around to watching "Closer" this weekend.

After finishing it, all I could think was "What in the HELL?"

Then? I thought about my vagina.

There's a scene where this dude, who is Julia Robert's character's husband goes to a strip club and ends up in a private room with Natalie Portman's character. At one point, he asks her to um, "spread em and show him."

For some reason, I flashed back to the last time I "spread 'em" for Tony to have a look down there.

It's not what you're thinking, people.

Not even close.

A few days after I had given birth to Gabby, I was taking a shower. Whilst cleaning myself down there, I felt an extremely sharp pain. Then? I felt what I believed to be a string of some sort.

HOLY CRAP. "I ripped my stitches out! I'm going to rip open!" That's what I thought.

I almost fainted. I screamed for Tony.

He came running. I told him I needed him to "check something" for me.

I got out of the shower, sat down on the bed, spread the legs as far as they would go. "Baby, I think I pulled a stitch down there. Can you check for me? Do you see anything? Am I bleeding?"

Then, HE almost fainted. I swear, I'll never forget the look on his face and HOW WHITE HE TURNED.

He found the string. "Oh yeah, baby, there's a string there. But... it's... well..."

"Oh my God! Is my twat going to bust open? CUT IT OFF!" I was hysterical.

I can only imagine that he had to be thinking of "the good ol' days" where him being between my legs did not involved searching for tears in my twat.

He grabbed a pair of nail clippers, because I FORBADE him to use scissors anywhere near my vagina, and he proceeded to carefully snip the string.

How this man still wants to have sex with me, I'll never understand.

I've pooped into the loving hands of a nurse in front of him.

He's seen me sneeze, pisse and puke myself. ALL AT THE SAME TIME

He's had to go to the store to buy me medicine for YEAST INFECTIONS.

He's heard me talk about vaginal discharge.

AND? On top of all of that? He's lovingly clipped STITCH STRING FROM MY VAGINA.

And he still W-A-N-T-S to "hit it."

If that aint love, I don't know what is.