Yesterday, I decided to join yet ANOTHER gym.
It's what I like to call a "Generic Curves."
It's called "Slim and Tone" or, like the big, red letters that light up says "30 minute workout for wimmims".
You see, my friend "won" a "30 day free membership" in a "random drawing." Which is SO FUNNY and totally NOT a coincidence that I had "won" a "30 day" "free" "membership" a month earlier. I didn't "cash in" on my "prize" because I'm a "flake."
It's a total scam, because, you have to make an appointment with a "trainer" for your first visit, and after they teach you how everything works, some chick sits down to tell you about the program and then BAM! Out of nowhere, they're all "Normally, we charge THIS amount, but if you join RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE we'll only charge you THIS much!"
Suddenly, it doesn't feel like a "free" anything, but more like "HAHAH SUCKAAAAAAAAHHHHS, WE GOT YOU BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU LOVED IT AND WANT TO JOIN NOW."
Lucky for them, I'm really fat and desperate. My friend, however, is not at all fat, but she wants to tone up. If I wasn't fat and desperate, I would have stood up and shouted "You're all a bunch of scheming LIAAAARRSSSSS" instead of running to the car to get my checkbook and think of a way to tell Tony "Hey, guess what? I joined ANOTHER gym!" without him revoking my "get out of the house free before cooking dinner, woman" card.
Tonight we went and did our first official workout.
The first 5 minutes was all fun and games to me.
"hahaha my boobs are bouncing!"
"hahahaha MY THIGHS!"
"hahaha It's the chicken dance song!"
"hahahhaa I'm taking my pulse!"
But DAMN. It stopped being funny real quick. I became painfully aware of the fact that "OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS FOR, LIKE, MONTHS BEFORE THERE ARE ANY RESULTS!"
I also became aware of the fact that bouncing boobs start hurting after a few trips to the face and back and? Having to HOLD THEM DOWN with your hands whilst jumping up and down is slightly humiliating.
I say "slightly" because the truth is I have no dignity. I've dry humped a roll of carpet in front of a group of people to get a laugh, people. Flapping tits isn't really that big of a deal.
We'll see how this goes, but hopefully with the support of a friend who I know will NOT LET ME FLAKE AND MAKE UP STUPID EXCUSES that I will lose this freaking weight and these excess inches. (Because HOLY SHIZNIT, they took my measurements and, well, how can I put this. Um, ok... My waist is bigger than Tony's. I won't tell you the number, but I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with "shorty".)
I should really put it to rest, but how could you leave out DA'NIES in your title?