I've always been somewhat jealous of "creative" type people.
Especially Creative Moms.
I'm talking about the mom's who can make their children halloween costumes, the kind moms who can decorate their children's rooms and make them look like something out of a magazine. The moms who take unique, beautiful photographs of their children.
The kind of mom I certainly am NOT.
Not for lack of trying. Lord knows I try. But, I am just not a creative, artistic type person.
Of course, this is my mother's fault.
My mother, Bless her fart. She, like me, did try. But the woman didn't have a creative or artistic bone in her body. One look at the way she decorates her house and it's obvious the women is creatively challenged. I always dreaded the "special event days" at school because I knew whatever it was, I would SUCK because my mom wouldn't have a clue on how to help me.
I'll never forget "Crazy Hat Day" in the 6th grade. All of my friends talked about how Wild n Kahraaaazzy their hats were going to be. Surely, I could out do them! Me and my mother would think of something that would make their hats cry.
Um, WRONG.
The morning OF Crazy Hat Day. My mom still had not come up with any ideas for my hat. In an act of desperation, she ran out to the front yard. "I know!" she said. "We'll pick some ivy and wrap it all around the hat with some sticks! That's CRAAZZZZZY."
I started to cry. "That's not crazy! That's dumb! I'm not wearing Ivy on my head!"
But that was all she could think of. In her totally uncreative mind, Ivy + Sticks = CRAAAZY.
Needless to day, I didn't participate in Crazy Hat Day. Instead, I moped around all day, envious of all the other children and their Crazy Hats.
Had I known I would grow up to be JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, I wouldn't have been such an ass about her inability to be creative.
How was I to know that I would one day think "My baby boy is going to be a clown for Halloween and I will paint his face just like a real clown and he will be so cute and everyone will love him because he will look just like a real clown because I know how to paint clown faces!" And then, years later, find the picture and realize that "OH MY GOD. THAT IS NOT WHAT A CLOWN FACE LOOKS LIKE! My poor child, I took him out in public like that and I bet the people were laughing at me because.... HAHAAAAAAAAAAA. It doesn't look like a clown face at all, but, like, he tried to eat my lipstick and HOLY CRIZAP, I am my mother!"
And there is your proof that I am, indeed, artistically, and creatively challenged. You can never tell me that it is not true, because, LOOK AT MY SON'S FACE. I can't even "draw a clown" people. The worst part is that, in my mind, that was a great clown face! Kind of like how my mom that Ivy on a hat was "crazy." It wasn't until years later that I can look and think "Wow, that was horrible. I really do suck at that art shit."
But, do not feel sorry for me. Seriously. I may not be able to "paint clown faces", or "make the walls in my house pretty", but I most certainly CAN clip coupons whilst pooping. Artistic? No. But, I think we can all agree that's something my kids can be proud of.
You know I think you're an awesome mom, right? And I adore you in a totally not stalkerish way. But please, for the love of all small children, DO NOT do that to a child again. No more face painting for you. Having seen this picture, I am amazed that you manage to put your OWN makeup on so gorgeously. No more clowns. Stop the madness!