Yesterday, I was a horrible mother to my children.
The children I would kill for, the children I would lay my life down for, the children I would sacrifice everything I have for, the children whom I love with every fiber of my being.
Everything they did annoyed me. Even my little girl, who was sick with a stomach flu annoyed me. At one point during the day, when she was whining (probably because she felt like shit after puking all night) I said in very mean voice "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, GIRL?"
How very reasonable of me, no? Because one year olds can totally tell you what they want and why they are crying, right?
At one point last night, I ACCUSED my son of "following me" to annoy me. Just typing that makes me sick to my stomach. My son, my sweet little boy, wanted to be near me and I treated him as if he was a stalker trying to make my life hell.
I went to bed feeling like a huge asshole. I vowed to apologize to my children as soon as I woke them up. I swore I would make everything right with them.
But then, they woke up and instantly? I was annoyed. Andrew was complaining about his toe (which, he sliced open when a plate slipped from his hands and came crashing down on it), Ethan was pissed because I didn't wash his red t-shirt and "Thanks A LOT mom, we're not going to win the spirit award today!" Gabby was clingy and dramaqueen-ish about EVERYTHING.
I had to lock myself in the bathroom and remind myself that I LOVE MY CHILDREN MORE THAN MY OWN LIFE.
I know that it's the raging PMS making it's monthtly entrance into my life, without a doubt I know it. Still, What the hell is wrong with me to be acting like this with my children?
After I took the boys to school, I thought I'd take Gabby outside for a while and let her play in the leaves because she LOVES to play in the leaves. I mean, it's absolutely gorgeous outside this morning. "This will be great for both of us, the dishes can wait, man. I need some happy time with my girl."
Um...
Yeah... riiiiiiight...
And once again, I felt annoyed and frustrated.
I can't even put into words how happy those beautiful little creatures make me. I wake up each day excited to see their sweet faces, to hear their tired little voices, to kiss their soft, chunky cheeks. So, it bothers me that I feel this way towards them right now, even though I know "it's the hormones."
Fuck the hormones, man. I don't want to feel this way. And I don't want my kids to feel this way either.
But you know what I do want? Curly fries from Jack in the Box, man. With ranch dressing, of course. Curly fries with ranch makes raging PMS Alllll better. Curly fries with ranch make me a better mother, wife and all around a better human being. So does a 3 dollah bottle of wine, but, it's not 5 yet, so, curly fries and ranch dressing it is.
I know that my comment may not be exactly what you want to hear, but I want to thank you for posting this! I'm not a mom...and what's weird is I just posted about my "being a mommy fear" this morning. But hearing moms who feel this way from time to time and can actually admit that they feel this way makes me feel so much better. It makes me feel like this is something that I can do...it's the Mommies that act like every day is perfect that scare the crap out of me... So, thank you! :P