I had quite a few people I hadn't seen in quite a few months tell me how much thinner I looked this Christmas.
The "negative" me wanted to call them liars and say things like "You're just trying to make me feel better about myself."
Because, you know, anytime someone compliments me, they're just blowing smoke up my ass.
I'm such a bitch.
Anyway.
I found pictures from last Christmas and you know what? They were actually telling the truth! They were not the liars I wanted to make them out to be. Because if they were lying, then I could keep on believing that I'm a failure and that I haven't made much progress because I SUCK. But, when faced with the "evidence", I had to actually admit that I have made progress and that, hey, as big as I still am and as much as I still have to lose, I really am looking much better these days.
It's so damn hard for me to be nice to myself, to give myself credit for doing anything good. It's much easy for me to talk about what a failure I am, about how much I suck, about how everyone else is better than me and how I wish I could have my perky tits back because these huge, sagging ones really aren't working for me.
I know, that pisses people off, but that's how I am, that's how I've always been and I am trying REALLY DAMN HARD to not be that way anymore, but "being nice to myself" doesn't come easily to me.
But, back to the pictures I found from last Christmas.
When I look at that, I cry. I cry because I know how incredibily sad and ashamed I was that day and everyday of my life at that weight.
(This is the part where I ask people not to make this about them. Please. Everytime I write about my weight, I get emails "If that's how you feel about yourself, then how do you feel about ME because I'm that size?"
This isn't about you. Or about any other person who is overweight. This is about HOW I FEEL IN MY OWN SKIN. It's so unfair to make me feel guilty for writing honestly about my issues with my own body.)
I remember buying that sweater. I bought two, actually, because I thought it really "hid the fat."
Boy, was I wrong. In order to have "hid that fat" I would have had to walk around in a box with holes cut out so I could see. And you know what? If I could have walked around hidden inside of a box, I would have. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to anyone looking at me. I wanted to disappear until I had lost all of my weight and could feel comfortable holding a conversation again.
I'm not that size anymore, but mentally? I still feel that way. That's why it's hard for me to believe people when they tell me how much progress I've made. And that is why, as annoying as I'm sure it is, I keep writing about it and why I keep posting Progress pictures. So that I can ACTUALLY SEE how far I've come. Because most days, I feel like that 215 pound unhappy woman up there in the blue sweater, and I have to remind myself that I do NOT look that way anymore and that, even though I have failed many times, I AM making progress and one day I WILL be at a healthy weight again.
Even if it is taking FOREVER.
(p.s. I'm still very sick, which is why I haven't been writing, but, since no one has emailed me, I'm assuming no one really cares, but haha! I'm telling you anyway.)
(p.s.s. Did you watch Dancing with the Stars last night? LISA RENNA'S FACE? THE HELL? Back away from the injection needle slowly, girlfriend. Also! The Office! Who watched The Office last night? That show kills me, man.)
The Office! OMG
The Ship is Sinking. It will be in the bottom of the lake. Who do we save?
LOL
Love that show!