My house has become very cluttered and as ashamed as I am to admit it? Dirty. So, today, I decided to clean out cabinets and such in an attempt to get this place cleaned up and organized.

I didn't end up getting much cleaning done because of what I found in the kitchen cabinet.

My old depression drugs.

Prozac. Welbutrin. Trazodone.

I had forgotten that they were hidden back there, and when I found them, I was flooded with emotions. I actually sat down right there on the kitchen floor and began to cry.

Those pills. They are a reminder of the hell I once went through.

My first reaction was to throw them in the trash and say "good riddance" for EVER! But, then, I was overcome with fear. What if I needed them again in the future? What if I woke up tomorrow depressed and wanting to hurt myself?

I remember popping those pills everyday in the hope of feeling "normal" again. In the hopes of the tears to stop falling from my eyes every minute of every day. In the hopes that the urges to cut myself and rip the hair out of my head would go away and would be replaced with urges to enjoy my life again.

I remember holding the bottle of prozac while sitting on the bathroom floor, crying uncontrollably, not sure if I wanted to take it or not because I'm a chicken shit with pills, and thinking "how did it come to this?"

I remember holding the bottle of trazodone while in the beginning of a panic attack and calling a friend, telling her I was scared to take more pills, but I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.

I remember how scared I was of my parents finding out I was on Prozac. I knew they'd tell me that I didn't need prozac, but what I needed was to make peace with God.

I remember how horrified I was when I realized how fat that prozac was making me and how my self hatred was getting worse with every added pound because I no longer recognized my body in the mirror.

I remember how my psychiatrist agreed that they weight gain was getting out of control and how he put me on welbutrin in addition to the prozac in the hopes the welbutrin would help me STOP GETTING ENORMOUSLY FAT.

I remember how a month later I was down 13 pounds and how happy I was to finally be feeling good and not as fat.

Then, I remember the day I was alone in the house and decided to pee on a stick and HOW I FELL TO THE FLOOR SCREAMING AND CRYING WHEN I SAW 2 PURPLE LINES.

"Crazy people can't have babies" I screamed to my mom on the phone.

"You're not crazy, that's a lie the devil wants you to believe and this baby is going to be a blessing and show you how much you are loved by everyone around you and how good God is."

I remember telling my husband "This is THE WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPPEN TO ME."

I remember how I immediately stopped taking the prozac. And the welbutrin. I remember taking my husband with me to see my psychiatrist to tell him I was pregnant and I didn't know what to do. And how fucking scared I was that I was going to suddenly get depressed all over again.

But that never happened. Everyday, I woke up feeling happy, excited. Everyday, I wondered what the little baby growing inside me was going to look like and if it was going to have a penis or a vagina. Everyday, I was amazed at good I felt. Everyday, I began to love that little unexpected baby growing inside of me a little more.

I had no idea that "The worst thing that could possibly happen" turned out to be best thing that could have happened to not only me, but to this family.

After a few minutes of feeling scared, of crying, and then of smiling the biggest smile, I no longer felt scared to throw those pills away. I felt confident and secure in the fact that today? I am no longer depressed. Today, although my life isn't exactly as I wish it to be, I am happy and content with the blessings I have in my life.

Oh, the blessings.

My children who make me laugh until I make pee pee on a daily basis. A husband who loves me enough to pop zits, even if they occassionally are on my ass. My family. My (for the most part) health. My friends.

And, of course, my digital camera. Blessed, I tell you.

Who knows what the future holds for me, but I today I am choosing to live in the present and to be thankful for the happiness, love and pure joy that I feel in my heart at this very moment.

The Cheese! It is back!