I totally understand your dilemma... I haven't gone to church regularly in years, yet I want my kids (when we have them) to belong to one. I don't know why, because I totally feel like you don't have to belong to a particular church to be alright with the world. Maybe it's a leftover-guilt thing.

And? I for one can't wait for the whole Love Story. And, of course, the soundtrack to go with it.

I don't think you need to feel guilty about not going to church, I have always seen it as it is more important to have a relationship with god. I was born Hindu, christened Catholic (don't ask), and I stopped going to temple when I got to college. I've gotten people giving me heat for the fact that I don't go, but I have the same issues you do. I pointed out to one of my friends these people who apparently had gone to temple (you could tell from the vermillion they had on their foreheads) but were now sitting back and drinking beer. I said to him, now that's great that they went to temple but do you think that prothelyzing (sp?) like they are brings me any closer to god?

I think when the time is right you will find where you belong. My parents never forced us to go to temple, in fact they took us to a synagogue, we went to mass, we went to a bhuddist temple and of course our own temples. They always told my brother and I god is everywhere and god is god. I'm glad they did that. It made me accepting of all people and cultures.

I have heard that when people become parents, they tend to take a second look at going to church and tend to return. As I don't know if we'll have children, who knows if I'll make it back to church? :)

I don't go mainly because I am lazy. My faith is deep, strong. at some point, I will probably start going back simply because the faith is strong, and I want to give some time to God in my week. But I think your faith and moral foundation can be good without going to church.

I think, if I had been raised in an evangelical church, I would feel pretty strongly now about not going. But I was raised Catholic, and while there's certainly some room for improvement in my faith, I appreciate that it is a bit gentler (the parishiners) than some of the more bible-quoting faiths. I am never made to feel guilty for not going to church--I know I am always welcomed and loved. That's kind of nice, you know? I figure God's the only one I have to answer to about whether I go to church or not. It's not really anyone else's business.

Perhaps you seek something more than church. Answers to spiritual questions, a more profound faith. That can be found in numerous ways--books, other people, prayer. Keep on seeking :)

I'm so with you. I found a nice church that I enjoy, but my church back home in NY is going to pot because of a crazy priest. I've been going, but my husband is basically an athiest and it all boils down to you doing what works for you and your family and being a good (although wicked tongued cool ass blogging chick) person.

I didn't start going back to church until my kids were old enough to be asking "What are we?" And, well, I wanted them to have an answer. I always did since I was raised in church. Then once I got involved I really liked it and I like that my kiddos are getting taught something besides video games and the 3 R's.

don't feel bad about only going to church on christmas and easter. it's so popular for catholics, we have a term for it: "Creasters". yes, creasters are the people (like my family) that only go on christmas and easter.

I was raised in church. Going just about every time the doors were open. When I graduated high school, I stopped going. I wasn't a "kid" anymore and no one could force me to go. Even now, almost 11 years later, I can't stand it. My kids go with my mother, but if they ever say they don't want to go, I won't make them because of my being forced all that time. And, I really get tired of hearing how bad people are and at the same time hearing about how it's bad to judge people and stuff. It's all so hypocritical. Also? I'm antisocial, so the whole having-to-talk-to people thing freaks me out. And you know how those church people are!

Ok, start laughing - Pagan talking about Church - Either that or step back as lightning may strike...

I grew up similar to you did, but without the head coverings and guitars. My wasn't a pastor, but my grandfather was - which was just as bad. As a kid, church was Sundays and Wednesday nights. After I had Kelsey, I decided we "needed some church!"...and church became Tuesday bible study, Wednesday night church, Thursday night one-on-one meetings, Friday night "young adults group", and then Sunday - FOUR HOURS OF CHURCH. And if you were really energetic - you could go back Sunday evening. I figure I went to church so much that couple of years, it was at least five years' worth.

Here's what I found since...there are "christians" in every church. Every.Single.One. The point is to NOT be that kind of Christian, and not engage in the gossip and hypocrisy - really live it. Also, get in with a good group - my church was a "megachurch", so if you didn't join smaller groups, you were just lost in the shuffle. Finally - and this is most important - while it is easier to stay in relationship with God when you're in a church-type situation and there are other people to motivate you - Jesus never said "Get thy arse to church every sunday!" (And he wouldn't, being Jewish and all that.) You can have a relationship with God, and you can educate your children about God every bit as meaningfully on your own as you can if you take them to church. It's just a little more work when you do it on your own. And yes - while I may be pagan - our kids are Christian, and yes I sing them Bible songs and read them Bible stories and all that jazz. I think it's good for them to be exposed to it now, with the understanding that at some point they have to make the choice about what they truly believe and what's right for them.

If you don't mind me asking, which religion are you...it seems an awful lot like my parents' place of worship

Ugh, I feel for you about the church thing.

My hubs and I found a church, really liked it, started going, had our older two babtized, I was babtized, and did I mention that I really liked it? But, and it's a big butt, the pastor's wife and the children's church wife totally snubbed me! I mean, I rolls and all!!!! I couldn't even say good morning without them looking at each other with "the look".

We quit going. My hubs to this day doesn't know why. And I swear, I didn't say or do anything to provoke those two women.

Stop feeling guilty. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Sounds simple, I know (like I don't brood over stuff), but it is true.

Big smooches to you, darling!

Great interview Y!!!! Congrats. You deserve all the attention.

I love your story!

Congrats on the article! You ROCK.

I always figured that the church was a nice, centered place for my kids to learn things in a group of caring, committed people.

Of course, my son is 4 and my daughter is 15 months and he's been to church (cough!) three times and she's never been at all.

Yeah, I need to remember to call and try to get her baptism arranged before she grows out of the largest size of gowns they make....

I'm de-lurking (whoops, I missed de-lurking week) to tell you that I'm facing the same dilemma now. Kind of. My daughter is only 4 months old, and I want to raise her being involved in church, but I haven't been to church voluntarily in years. My husband's father wants to get her dedicated (we're baptist) next month, and I'm not sure I want to do it because I don't know if I can live up to the promises I'd have to make.
Also, I've been battling the "blues" lately, but my blues seem to come from my inability to fit into my old clothes. I hate everything about myself right now because I'm carrying extra weight because I gained too much when I was pregnant.
I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy, especially since my husband is a stick, but I'm TRYING. Reading your posts about trying to lose the weight and everything make me feel better about doing it.
Long story short, (oh! too late!) I just wanted to let you know that I identify with you in a lot of ways, and you inspire me to keep going.
Oh, and you have an awesome blog! : )

Please please please invite me the next time you hang with POW. I am crying I'm laughing so hard! You are my most hilarious stop of the day. I think I love you.

pfff... i used to have to go to church twice on sundays, wednesday, thursday, and saturday nights from the time i could walk until i was 19. and i wasn't a pastor's kid. when i stopped going to church my mom was hella pissed and called me all sorts of nasty names. but when i think back on my childhood, all the good stuff that happened happened during extracurricular school stuff. i was never 'best buds' with anyone from church, and in fact now i find some of the people i went to youth group/choir/camp/lockins with sort of weird. like, 'i wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley, or a smokey bar' weird. so i would say your kids will probably learn more about themselves playing soccer or joining the marching band than they will at choir practice or devotionals.

p.s. - praise jeebus.

I, totally, understand where you're coming from - I'm a pastor's kid too and I can relate to all the services you had to attend... been there, done that.

I was active in my church (the same one that my father pastored for years) but I got tired of the "Christians" who walk the walk on Sunday but only talk the walk the rest of the week. I stopped going last May and just can't bring myself to find a new church.

I don't know if I would go back if I had kids... I would be very torn about it. I think kids need the background that you and I got but, at the same time, I don't think church defines us (as Christians).

And of course, you could always just read God's blog...

I met my husband in church too! First I had a crush on his friend, haha. We stopped going to church for similar reasons. I swear there is more hypocrisy in the church than in the world. At least most non-Christians don't pretend to be something they're not. We're not even Creasters - we're so going to hell! NOT.

Funny - I am the same way. Catholic girl here. I was confirmed, but after that, I put the ixnay on church. Like you said with the Christians - that is EXACTLY what was happening. The local mayor was using his power to do whatever could benefit him and his family; making promises he couldn't keep; his wife was screwing around on him...yet, here they'd be in church on Sunday, with their pompous selves, acting like a coupla celebs. Heads held up high...I don't know how that church didn't collapse when they walked in.

My parents give me the guilt trips all the time. "The girls should be in Religious Ed!" My brother and his wife (who is another story herself) think the girls will become Satan's spawn without church. Me? I think it's all about what me and my husband teach those girls. In my small town, there were 3 girls whose families were deeply involved in church. They were pregnant before married, in high school! Not that it's a BAD thing, but this is what they would preach against - KWIM? I hope I didn't sound weird saying that.

Personally, I don't think God is fond of all the different religions (no offense to anyone here). I think He knows YOU, and just because you are a regular churchgoer, does not mean you are good people. I think you can pray and talk to God without handing out $ (like the Catholic church always said we should give them 2% of our weekly earnings!). And other stuff.

Whoa! Long comment! I guess what I'm saying is - I completely understand, but I personally think you could "teach" your sweet children yourself. :)

I know how you are feeling because I was raised in church and I do feel guilty when we miss.

I just always remember the Bible verse about "do not forsake the gathering," you know, to not skip out on going to services because you feel like you can do it just as well at home. Because if I'm honest with myself, I know I can't, and I won't.

So just find a church you enjoy and one that your family enjoys, and go for it. One of the greatest joys I have experienced lately is my 5-year old baby, singing hymns right beside the rest of my extended family in worship service. It almost makes my heart explode.

I understand too.
We quit going just before Kenzie was born and haven't been back since.
She is almost 2 1/2 now.

I don't know what my problem is either.

I have been praying about it a lot lately.

Sometimes all it takes is finding the *right* church. I quit after my divorce because I suddenly felt shunned, and different. The powers that be revoked my church membership because my husband and I refused to attend Christian counseling. (Hello, he was cheating on me and having sex with someone IN MY CAR on a regular basis...reconciliation really wasn't an option.)

I've found a new church that I LOVE and even tho we don't go every week, it's always a pleasure when we do go. The pastor is young (25!) and the messages are relevant and inspiring.

I think it's important to give children some exposure to religion, so they can at least make an informed decision about their own relationship with God. And besides - they have a NURSERY! You can sit for an hour without G slapping your cheeks and pawing at your boobs. lol

I remember when I thought I needed to go back to church, but hadn't been in years, and I thought I should pray and ask for guidance, but I was afraid to pray and ask for guidance because I was afraid no guidance would come, and well ,shit, that would suck, but you know? I did pray and ask for guidance and it came. So wow, that incredible run on sentance was just my way of saying, "talk to God" because it's so cool when he answers, and he will.

I second what Danelle said. Not everyone "needs" a church. But if you're thinking on this a lot, maybe it's because you miss having one. And there are as many different churches as there are people.

The "right" church is one where you feel at home, and where attending is a comfort and quiet joy rather than a task. Maybe if you look around, you'll find such a place. But I think we each have to figure out what works for us, as individuals, before we can figure out the best approach for our kids/family. Folks who take their kids to church "because" in spite of not wanting to be there, themselves, are sending a mixed message.

All of which is a long-winded way of saying... you'll figure out what YOU need. And when you do, it'll be easy to decide what's right for your family. :)

I read my response above and realized that maybe I sounded like I drag my kid to church because I feel like I have to, even if I don't want to be there. Actually I do want to be there. And I know I need to be there because when I die, I won't have to stand before God and give him all of the excuses I used over the years to avoid finding a great place to worship.

My husband and I started dating and he came to youth group with me all through high school, so I love that you and your husband met and hung out in church too.

Ok Yvonne--I have not been on your blog in a long time, but I decided to go on to see if there were any new pictures of the kids, and instead I found this entry. I think that deep down you know what is right. Of course you can have a relationship with God and not go to church, but with the results of a relationship with God will come the desire to learn about Him and fellowship. That is why people in other countries will meet in secret, even though they can die for it. They know the importance of fellowship. It is accountability and growth. We take this priviledge for granted in this country. I know that people can suck--but that is between them and God. People will hurt you no matter where you are in life. These excuses are robbing you of joy and blessings in your life and your family! We live in a country where we have freedom in this area and yet we rob ourselves of that with our reasonings and excuses. As your relationship with God grows, you will desire to go to church, there will be a hunger for that. Love, your sis

It took me a long time to find the right church after I moved. Unfortunately, it has its fair share of "Christians". Just like my office has its fair share of "a**ho**s". I believe it's my choice what I do with them. My choice is to have a close relationship with God and ignore the "Christian's", because I don't want to be one of them. If they don't like me, that's there problem. God LOVES me ... and sometimes I don't think he LIKES them so much. (Go with it, at least itI makes me smile)

I think Maryann has a couple of good points on, "Why church"? To paraphrase, 1.) My relationship with God improves as I learn about Him and fellowship with Him in a community. 2.) For me, the importance of fellowship is accountability and growth.

You see, I can lie to myself very easily in my "personal" church. It's much harder to do so in my "public" church. And if my fellow congregants start treating me like I'm a "Christian"? Hmm, maybe there's something they see I don't see. Or, maybe it's a chance for me to "rise above it" and act like a true-Christian, and not be swayed by other people.

Kids and church – I think it’s important to give them the exposure. I also agree with the commentator who said, “You can’t give kids a mixed message”.

Anyway this has ended up to long, so I'm going to e-mail the entirety to you, and just leave the crux here!

Y,

I don't usually tell this story, but for you I will. I was raised Southern Baptist (those are the REALLY scary kind). Every single part of my existence involved church. Until I was 21.

When I was 19, my family started going to this church around the corner from my house. This "church" should have had CULT stenciled on their signs. But when you are in the situation, it's so hard to see what is happening, until that proverbial straw.

When I was 21, a former classmate of mine who was a pastor's son was seeing this girl in the church who was not from the best family. Mr. Pastor was trying to put a stop to the relationship when OOP! Girlfriend turned up pregnant. About a month after they found out, the whole church knew by this time, they made the boy and girl stand up on a Sunday morning and APOLOGIZE to the congregation for having "sinned." Then they forced them to get married. Which is how god intended marriage to be, under duress.

When the girl was in about her 6th month, they found out the baby had spina bifida. It was announced to the church as a prayer request. The Sunday following the announcement, the assistant pastor of the church got up and preached the Sunday morning service on how the baby having spina bifida was their PUNISHMENT from God for having sinned.

That service was the last I ever heard inside of church. I left and never looked back. Now I'm a practicing pagan and I wouldn't have it any other way.

What's my point? Something made you leave and something will draw you to your next spiritual home, be that in a new religion, new denomination, or just a new church. It will find you.

My guess is that God probably prefers that you have your chats with him while you play with your kids versus sitting on hard benches next to women who fart and blame it on little girls. ;) But then, I'm an atheist & cultural Jew. If I'm going to imagine any sort of God, I like the George Burns version.

As I read your entry I truly feel like I could understand everything you were saying.

Okay, I think I have written this comment out four times and deleted it to start over. Ha.

I have been going to church all of my life, now I am 22, and choose to go because I want to, I love to. I have at many times felt the same way you do, I wanted to leave church or find a new one because I did not like the people. Then I realized two things.

I heard this quote, it is pretty corny, and may not be one hundred percent true, but I believe there is truth to it and it really gave me a reality check. "If you let a hypocrite stand inbetween you and God, the hypocrite is closer to God than you are."

When I first heard that I was like, Wow. And then thinking about it more I was like "Holy Cow! I am a hypocrite too!"

And then I realize, that I am just like the people in my church who gossip, judge, and backstab. It really turned my world upside down, I had spent to much of my energy looking at their lives I forgot to look in my own. I think at that point I realized what Christianity meant to me, the interpretation of it I guess you can say - that a Christian is someone who loves Christ and is trying to live a life that glorifies him. Which means a person who does not gossip, who does not backstab, or do anything to hurt other people. But then the bible pretty much says that we are humans and we are going to fall, that we won't be able to go through life being that perfect example. And that is where Christ's love and grace comes in.

Anyway, wow, that was long - not exactly sure where I was going with that. I guess I am just trying to share that I have been there, I still go through what you are going through right now - but that I try to get through it remembering that I am just like the people that hurt me - I hurt others. And that Christianity is not about being perfect, it is about being forgiven.

Eh, just as clarification, this was a random spilling of thoughts, and I absolutely have the best of intentions, and do not mean to offend anyone.

I miss some of that, too. I spent every summer at church camp (wearing a t-shirt over my bathing suit because it's not holy to show skin but no one realized wet t-shirt is worse), and the socializing and friendship. But the hypocrisy got to me and I never went back once I was an adult. But I still feel the same guilt on Sunday morning if I go somewhere dressed sloppy before noon and get caught by the people leaving church!

I grew up as a pastor's kid, too. I left the church (read "When they were young" on my blog to see why) and still feel guilty about it. Not guilty enough to go back, but still. I worry about my kids missing so much that I took for granted, like prayers, summer camp, etc. And I still hate it when my parents ask me if I'm attending the local church or not. I can just feel the disapproval right through the phone lines.

have a lot of thoughts about the church thing. we'll have to talk sometime.

congrats on the interview. very nice!

Y--I'm de-lurking, too! :) I'm an ordained pastor. For three years I took care of three congregations in rural Kansas, in addition to being a wife and a mother. The things that I witnessed and was subjected to by one particular congregation forever changed the way I look at "the Church" and "Christians" in particular.

In August, I left the ministry because my husband decided to go back to school and get his PhD. I have not been able to find another church to pastor, and I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. That one congregation and my interactions with the governing body of my denomination has so impacted how I feel about the People of God in general that I'm not sure I belong in the pastorate.

My faith in God is not shaken. In fact, now that I'm away from all the negativity and attacks, it's getting even better. Now that my daughter is 2, I'm thinking we need to find a church to belong to...but I'm sort of gunshy. It's like trying to get back into a relationship after the last guy you were with beat you up regularly. You just find it hard to trust...to jump in...to participate.

And, I'm also finding it hard to give up our Sunday ritual of bagels and coffee and Barnes&Noble. ;)

Anyhow, none of this answers your question. But I thought I'd let you know that even pastors have feelings about "Christians". And I hope that we all find what we're looking for.