My God, am I first? I feel all shaky with the pressure.

Anyway...I haven't been writing a blog nearly as long as you have, and already I can feel the censoring coming on. You know, you kinda put yourself out there, or a version of yourself you feel comfortable putting out there, and people begin to form opinions.

We have to struggle to just write what we want, and always remember why we started writing in the first place. When I started my blog, I didn't expect ANYONE to ever come read it, but a few have. So who'd I start it for? The people I never expected to show up, or myself?

You are an awesomely honest, funny lady who deserves her chance to say what she wants. Those who disagree are entitled to their opinions. Those who feel they must make their opinions known to you in a trollish manner are stupid fucks.

Keep writing.

You say it so perfectly, Candy.

Pssssssst. You're a blog roach. Accept it.

I just wrote about this topic on my blog last week. I just do not understand what is wrong with people. This is your blog...you can design it how you want, have ads on it if you want, put pictures on it if you want, and post about what you want. That's why it's your blog...right?

I understand that not all people get along and not everyone likes everyone...but don't we get enough of that in reality? If I don't like the content of a blog...I keep on moving. Why would I take the time out of my day to inform that person that they are an idiot...or whatever I feel about them after reading their content. And the same about my blog...if you don't like what I have to say...then keep on moving - right?

And that whole secret blog thing and other blogs that are designed simply to bash other blogs and bloggers...that is just too much for me to handle. I can't take it.

I'm not saying that disagreements aren't allowed...but respect is. We can all respectfully disagree....right? I hope so anyway.

I know the hurtful comments and emails are just that...hurtful. Especially when they are personal. Hell I'd hate having "hate mail" sent to me...I'm very sensitive. And I'm also sensitive to others feelings...that's why I will not say how much I weigh on my blog. I don't want to hurt anyone else that may weigh more than me when I start talking about how much I hate what I weigh...it's about me...not how I view others. But I don't have to tell you that...you get it.

My point? Not sure anymore...other than I just don't get it when people feel the need to tell others how to "run" their blogs!

Trolls are assholes. Why would someone purposely set out to hurt another? Especially in that person's personal space (blog). It's your blog, you say what you feel....just like "your house, your rules".

I love reading what you have to say and the way that you phrase things...and I can always be guaranteed to get a giggle out of your posts...something I really need while sitting behind this cubicle wall.

But, I do know what you mean about being overly sensitive. I swear I can be mean to my family and friends, but knowing that I've hurt a stranger or having a disagreement at work brings me to tears every time. I wonder why that is.

I think what you did on that hill was wonderful. Sure, she may not have needed it. Sure, you were projecting and assuming. But if your guess as to how she was feeling was wrong, you didn't do her any harm. And if it was right, you might have made her day.

Oh hell, I just think YOU are wonderful.

Being overly sensitive does not make you a jerk. It makes you compassionate. The world needs more compassion. Including in blog comments and email. Mean people suck.

I, for one, hope you continue to write about whatver you're feeling.

Can I also just say, BlogHer!!! In less than 4 months! Woot!

You go! I'll admit to not having to worry about the trolls as... well, I don't get enough readers to have trolls but the blog is yours so take it back already and get to the truth!

My only sensoring comes from the fact both my parents and my husband read my blog. GAH!

I'm with MoMMY on this one... Worrying about what my family will read on my site is MUCH worse than what some random troll thinks!

And I loved your story about the hill. :-)

Honestly, it isn't you hurting these people. They are seeing your success and want you to feel bad for it because of where they are in their life. How else could any one person's success actually hurt someone? I have felt the exact same way. I have always been pretty small but when I've packed on a few pounds here and there (like now, after two kids and a seemingly neverending poochy belly) I feel big. Because I am- I'm big for me. It doesn't mean that anyone bigger than me is a huge cow, it just means I am unhappy with where I'm at right now. But seems that so many people just feel sorry for themselves and want to take it out on those that are actually doing something about it!!

As for the lady at the park, I think that was really sweet of you and super-sensitive. If you had done anything other than what you did, you would have only been rubbing it in her face, but instead you were sensitive and kind, trying to tell her she's not alone- as we all feel sometimes.

I guess I should clarify.

I don't really care about what the trolls say. But I AM letting what people will think about what I write stop me from writing certain things.

And? Yeah, my family knows about it too and that is one of the factors.

I suppose I should go back and re read what I wrote because I guess I made it about "trolls" and that wasnt' what I was trying to say.

AAAAAHHHHHHH. See, I can't write anymore.

Yes, yes and yes. I'm new to blogging, but from what I have seen, your blog is yours and all about you. I have started my own not to long ago and my perspective was that I'm writing and people can see it, but it can be personal because no one HAS to read it. Although, I do find myself censoring my thoughts for 'other' reasons. And I have only a few people that comment, but somehow got one really screwed up weirdo that made the most inappropriate, unsolicited comment. I felt violated, honestly.
About the battle of the bulge...been there. Two years ago, after my divorce, I was a diet and work out nazi... lost 40 pounds and I was in the best shape I had been in in my entire life. I have since gone down hill and having trouble getting started again. I ADMIRE you. It's a slow, sometimes painfully slow, and frustrating process and anyone that can make that commitment and succeed should be admired and praised. Go Girl!

You rock Y! Don't censor yourself because of those damn trolls. I've never understood them anyway (not that I get any on my site because I have very few readers)... if you don't like what you're reading, then just move along. Sheesh! Only the pathetic and weak attack others for sport.

Also, don't censor yourself because you worry that talking about yourself will hurt someone else's feelings. I think that you talking about what you go through is more helpful to your readers than hurtful, because it makes us realize we are not alone in dealing with all this kind of stuff. Sure, there are going to be some people out there who think everything you write is about them or reflects what you would think of them if you ever met them in person, but those are their OWN issues and they can go deal with them on their own damn websites if they want!

Sweet Yvonne, this is your blog and you may write anything you want here. And if someone doesn't like it, they can come over and kiss my wide white ass. Even the words of morons and trolls will hurt; believe me, I know, but YOU are so superior to any of them, it's impossible to even describe. You are a wonderful sensitive lovely person, and I have read and enjoyed every post you've ever made. And I'm old so people have to believe me, so there.

I've been blogging and reading you for quite a long time, Y, and I think that there are stages that all bloggers go through. New bloggers start out writing with abandon, not worrying about anything. Then comes the time when all a blogger worries about are comments and traffic. Then comes a point where the blogger is overly aware of spam, mean comments or no comments - sort of this place you're in now - and then comes the last stage, which is somewhat like the beginning, but the blogger is "seasoned". You blog for yourself no ifs ands buts or apologies.

I can completely sympathize with not wanting to offend anyone. I don't dare post my political views for fear of what will happen. I try not to talk about anything controversal for fear of what will happen. It's stupid! It's our blogs - who the hell cares what they think, right? Right? Then how come I do? And you do? :) Who knows. I guess that's what we get for even being a tiny bit sensitive. I think that's what is lacking in this world - sensitivity.

You say all you want. I love reading you! If they don't - piss on them. They can just click out of here! (I know, easier said than done).

Why do you think my blog is so boring? Because I censor myself!! It sucks, but I also feel the need to protect myself... mostly from people in my real life. The Internet is not very anonymous any more.

Even censored, I think you come across as pretty raw and "out there"... love to read you!

Y, don't let anyone - family, friends, strangers - make you feel like you have to change who you are! You are a great blogger, a great mother, and best of all, you are a great person. Not everyone would card about the struggles of anyone else. You should be proud of your accomplishments and post whateva you feel! If people don't like reading your posts, they know how to close the window... it's the big X in the box at the top right hand corner of the window!~

From what I can tell you are a very cool person that has overcome a lot and you should be able to blog as you please!

First I have to say, you doing what you did walking up that hill is the kind of thing that makes you a beautiful person, inside and out! I know exactly what you are saying about watching what you write now. I am angry at myself for doing the same thing. One of the wives of an officer in my husband's company found my blog and was upset about something I wrote. Now half the wives want nothing to do with me because of it. I'm angry that I closed that post. It was what I felt at the time, why am I letting a bunch of people that don't even know me intimidate me into closing a post?! They truly don't care about me or my feelings or what I go through, they aren't my friends or family, so why do I now care about pissing them off? You know what, I don't. I'm going right now and opening my post back up (of course, it's probably back far enough to be archived and who reads archives?) just for the principle of it. My blog is MY little universe, if no one likes what I say about myself or other things, then they don't have to read it! You know, I went through a similar thing the first time my husband was in Iraq. I had strangers reading my blog calling my husband a baby killer, hoping he got killed, hoping I got raped, etc. At first I deleted all the hateful comments but after a while I just let them up. Other strangers came and rallied around me. People can be wonderful! Thanks for this post Y!

I feel like I censor myself on my blog, and I probably only have like 4 readers. I don't say bad things about people (bloggers or people from my real life). What'd be the point? Of course, there are people (mostly from my real life) that I could say oh so many things about, but then I'd have to deal with them if they ever found it and, well, I don't want to deal with them at all.
Anyway...I don't care what you post, I'll be here everyday! haha

Ok, did I mention that I am REALLY, REALLY jealous that you will be going to a KRS-ONE concert!!!

I have never really commented on your blog before, but feel I need to let you know how much your blog has meant to me. I really enjoy reading your blog because you seem like a "real" and honest person through your writing. Thank you for sharing a small part of your life, because I know it can't be easy sometimes. I have been reading your blog for a long while and it's humor and honesty have helped me through some really dark times in my life. I just wanted you to know how much I've appreciated it.

Blog on girl, blog on!

Don't feel bad about hurting feelings when you're just writing about your own. This is a blog, not a front page ad of the newspaper. If someone is going to get offended and get all snarky with you on it, they need to remember that this is a blog and they had to click their own mouse to get here. It's not like anyone is forcing them to read your blog. Damn, this isn't even public television where again you still have to turn on the tv, change the channel to the station you want, and then risk getting offended. They banned the maple syrup farm on PBS, they will not ban our hot latina mama from talking about her quest for more hottiness! I forbid it!

Y

I have been reading you for 3 years I think? I don't really remember. But I keep reading because I envy your openess and honesty. It reminds me of me a few years ago before I got all jaded. But I'm trying to find a happy medium. I mean, I don't agree with everything you say (maybe 90%) but I read you because I appreciate your point of view. You are also an inspiration to me with your weight struggles. I am currently struggling to get out of the 180s and have been for 2 years. But this time you have motivated me to really take my exercise seriously. I mean, I would understand if you closed your comments to avoid trolls and such. But I love that you don't.

Hi, I usually just lurk, but I just wanted to tell you that I love your blog. That's it. I love everything about it, loved it for 2yrs almost. When I get into my office its the first site I check (aside from online banking). :)

OK...let me open my big fat mouth...and I am not saying that anyone is fat or has a bigger fatter mouth than mine (haha). This is YOUR blog. YOU say what you want. Who the heck cares what anyone else thinks? If you want to say you are fat, then say it. If you want to say, "Move over Tyra Banks, I am now the bomb" so be it. This is why I don't have my email on my blog because I honestly don't really care to hear how people think I might have offended them because I was talking about me and it has nothing to do with them.

And who cares if you are an attention seeker--so am I! Let's start a club!

I only found you once you made a post on my blog---and you had me at hello Yvonne--you had me at hello!!!

Ps. xoxo!!!

Y...you have a wonderful way about you...you care, you want people to feel better...you are muy simpatico and i hope you never change, it is a wonderful quality to bring to the world

noone who hasn't walked in that woman's shoes could ever know how it feels....and because you have, you can empathise with her...quite a few of us have been exactly there...heart pounding, pulse reverberating in our ears, struggling for breath, legs feeling weak...and you, yvonne, have done something about it...bouquets to you, never hide how it makes you feel because you HAVE been brave and strong and fought and won

people will form opinions about us whether they verbalise it or not...please don't let what others may think change anything at all about you...you are a wonderful, warm, caring, funny, sexy, honest, adorable woman!!!

please don't self-censor your thoughts honey chile, we NEED to hear about everything you have to tell us

great big hugs

I think that what you did for that woman was awesome. And you know this because I've said it before, but I think you are a beautiful and sensitive and feisty Mama, and I adore you.

I know I am heavier than you, more like your starting weight, and I never think you're saying bad things about me because I'm still fat. I totally get that your feelings are about you, just like mine are about me. I can see a woman even heavier than myself and see all of her beauty, but me? I look in the mirror and cringe. I know exactly where you're coming from.

And whatever you say, I'll be reading it.

As you know, I recently had the same trouble with a "friend" who took what was written on my blog to be meant for her, and decided that that was the perfect time to tell me off for being a "drama queen" and bla bla bla. I say if people are going to get that worked up about a WEBSITE, they need to get out more.

Also? I think what you did for that lady was kind. She was probably glad to have someone empathising with her. Heck, she might've thought she was encouraging you.

Please don't change a thing. You are the reason I get up in the morning! (okay, that was a tad bit of an exaggeration) but seriously! You were one of the first blogs I ever read and I loved how bold and out there you dared to be! Using you as inspiration I even used the word vagina just today in my own! And its all because of you.

You should use this post as a disclaimer. Well, except for any self hate because you are my friend and I don't like to think that way.

So why do you suppose that corn pretty much comes out looking like how it went in? :)

I'm new to your blog, but what I've read is really great. Don't censor yourself now! I'm not sure why there are people out there who are bent on criticizing others through their blog. I wonder if these people would have the courage to express themselves to you face-to-face. They are using the computer and the anonymity of it to be mean. So, f(*k them, cowards. As for those who censor because their families read, I faced that fact at the beginning. So, I deleted my old blog, told my family I couldn't get into it and started a new one. I told only a chosen few.
So, keep writing!!

Someone left this as a comment on my blog once:

"Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve this world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God
that is within us;

It is not just in some of us - it's in everyone!

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others!"

Nelson Mandela - Inaugural Speech 1994

I thought maybe it would be something you could carry with you as I have since then.

My name is Melissa...and yes I am a lurker......but I just had to say I love everything about your blog...Please....dont change a thing.....

I consider blogging mostly to be a peek into our worlds - and we can give you whatever want: bits, pieces, big ol' snapshots, whatever.

You write what everyone else is thinking. And you are good person, with a great heart, and I love that about you.

And that woman on the hill is thankful, too.

There should be more blogger's like you.

Cheers.

I'm not reading all the other comments that have been left I am just going to leave my own if I repeat what others have said forgive me.

I think you did a very nice thing for the woman on the hill. You are kind and thoughtful, don't ever change that.

Your honest posts are my favorite. One night I went and poked around your archives and found some of the depression posts. This may sound cheesy but they helped me to get the help I needed ad not feel so alone, I was so thankful for those posts but too shy to say so until now. So thanks for them and I really do hope you will post what is in your heart and on your mind because that's what it's all about. :)

So, I get that this isn't about the trolls. It's about not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. Something I've had a hard time realizing (and still do have a hard time with) is that you can only control yourself. Even that is hard to do sometimes. You can't control how others feel. If something you write is upsetting to someone else, well then that just means that they have some insecurities that they need to work on; not you. You struck a nerve with that person! Heck, it might have even been a kick they needed to work through whatever their issue is. But we all project. We all deal. And we all do it in different ways.

You can't control how others feel. You shouldn't have to feel as though you need to censor yourself so as not to hurt someone. Not everyone out there will 100% agree with everything you say. Sometimes people will tell you when they disagree, sometimes they don't.

I guess what I'm getting at is that if someone takes something you say personally, that's their subconscious saying, "Hey! I'm here! Address this issue within yourself!" They'll lash out because they just don't know how the hell to deal.

Hopefully you'll get back to writing the way you really enjoy to. That's what made you happy. Worrying about other people's toes doesn't make things all that fun.

But then again I'm just a severely depressed mother who doesn't know how to handle her own life. So what do I know?

Your blog is wonderful. I'm so glad that I found it. It's what people like about you. Your honesty, your open-ness and your ability to tie it all together with humor. Don't stop being you for anyone.

I so wanted to stand and applaud. However, I was eating dinner at the time, and the pork chops won out :P

I can soooooo relate. Omg. I've been online with several "groups" and/or games, for about 8-9 years now. In the course of that time, I've developed some great friendships. In that time, however, I also found myself to be the center of a few social circles, or in a "leader" type position.

When I was first introduced to the "blogging" concept, it was through Live Journal. My list of friends quickly grew, and somehow, my posts quickly became more and more censored. Due to the "popularity" I had found (well received or likewise) I found it nearly impossible to vent, speak or even be "me" for fear it would have back lashing affects on the groups I was involved with, or a negative impact about me as a person.

Thanks to Rori, I found the "other" type of blogging, and soon created my own corner of cyberspace. When I did so, the FIRST thing I posted was basically, "Its my blog, my thoughts, my turf, go the fuck away if you dont like it!".

What FREEDOM!

I've had plenty of trolls, ill-spoken replies and lost a "friend" (or what I thought was) or two. But, what I have KEPT is my ability and right to speak my mind. I no longer think, "what if someone gets upset". Cause you know, sometimes...thats exactly what NEEDS to happen!

For instance, your ability to speak openly (its rather open from my perspective) about your weight loss and its trials and triumphs? Thats heroic (in my mind), because our society is so riddled with the concept that women should not BE over-weight, let alone speak of it. BWAH! *shakes fist*.

I will be honest and say that your "incredible shrinking woman" photo set gives me such pangs of guilt. Guilt that I have not come to that place yet, a place I very much want to achieve. I've set a goal to lose 100 pounds this year (down 20 so far) and have 60 to lose NEXT year, so as you can imagine, I am sure., thats a tough pill to swallow, let alone share with anyone else. (not that you had that much to lose or need to...but yanno where I am comin' from, eh??)

Anyway, enough Lucky ramble. I guess my point is. Don't think. Heh. Sounds funny. But in a way, its true. Woman, speak your mind. Who cares if there are typos, who cares WHAT the subject, or how sensitive. In a world where we have to hide and keep quiet about so much, THIS is the place to let it go! Allow yourself that freedom, and tell whoever doesnt like it, to shove off (troll wise). Sure, you will have friends that you can have healthy disagreements with, tis HEALTHY to have differing opinions. But never fear that somehow what you speak in "your house" is not good enough, or too over the top or any of that.

Lucky, OUT! :)

Yvonne, I can't begin to understand how you're feeling but I just want to encourage you to keep being you. That's what brings us all back, time after time. You say the things that the rest of us think and feel and experience but don't have the balls to put out there for the world to see. As long as it isn't hurting you, keep it up.

Btw, you're a bit of a weightloss spokeswoman for me. I thought I was too fat to lose weight. You helped me realize otherwise. Thanks.

just so you know: you posting the pictures of your weightloss encourage me. i'm so proud of you and i wish i had the descipline you have when it comes to loosing it! i need to and want to start again, but it's so damn hard to do. i love reading about how far you're come because it makes me feel like "we can do this" ! and i've said it before, i know, but i NEED TO loose it again and i will start as of TODAY!

me, personally, i don't need to hear about your vagina or the farting or pooping or any of that, but this is your site and if i don't feel like reading about it, i leave... and come back the next day. i always do!

because that is part of who you are and i *heart* the whole package. including the cheese and vagina-talk and everything... :)

LOL Tara and sometimes peas too...and those lil buggers FLOAT!!!!

I just discovered your blog and like it very much. My compliments.
Do not always try to please others, it is too hard and you will never succeed. By the way, I'm a Danish woman living in Italy (Rome) and right now I'm planning my wedding with a man from Sicily.... a mission impossible if you want to please everybody.
Finally, - I think you look wonderful and I would love to be blessed with children as beautiful as yours.

/Tina.

you know people aint got nouthing better to do but be a troll and leave snotty remarks to start stuff they enjoy seeing people fight ..phish posh i say to them. this is your blog your thoughts to hell with them. i enjoy come ing here to see what you have to say funny or not. its your life your thoughts. and like you said its not about them its about you.. . so delete away i do on mine. i need negative on mine. screw them @$@$@$$
its juts pisses me off when i see people leave bad things on peoples pages includeing the kids pages on my friends sites..
ugg ok enough bitching lol..
write away you have a great sense of humor and i enjoy your blog :0)
enough said now go back to your alls program hehehe..tonya

still cant spell this morning i ment i hate negative stuff on mine... troll or not its still people who start stuff :p

I would have done the same thing on the hill and felt weird afterwards also. But, the motivation for the action was love. Many difficult situations become much easier when somebody reaches out a hand, so to speak.
This is your space, thank you for letting us in.
I heart the weight loss pics, I'm at where you are now and am so motivated by you, the pics remind me not to fall behind.
Y'know, vagtalk 101, complaints, skinny bragging, if we didn't want to hear it, we can always head out.
xoxoxo, jwo

Ps. again--can you please unscratch "hot latina" woman please. I think you can officially tell yourself that you are hot. lol. And no I am not hitting on you---just stating the obvious!

That's so cool about your brother opening for KRS One! Woo!

Comments suck sometimes. It goes both ways, I guess. I sometimes get some of the greatest, most uplifting comments from people that absolutely make my day. The ones that fucking kill me are the ones where people say stuff about my kids. Ugh! I had a few (anonymous, imagine that!) comments from people saying shit about my 2-year-old son. Can you imagine just saying something hurtful to a mom about her baby just because you happened to read about it on her blog and felt like being an asshole? I don't GET people.

Hey Y. I didn't read all the comments on this post, but enough to know that I agree with just about all of them. You are free to speak your mind at any time on your blog, and you're right, it's about you, not anyone else. I second the opinon (ok, third? fourth?) that those who leave nasty comments or send hurtful emails to you are only feeling sorry for themselves. They should stop, think, and take a good hard look in the mirror. They completely defeat their point of saying such hurtful things, because I'm sure it doesn't do them any good beyond the short-lived, "I told her!". Who cares?! They're idiots. Mean idiots.

I love your blog. I read it everyday, and check it several times a day if you don't have a new post up. You're one of my few "regulars". I love your writing. You almost always make me laugh; and during those serious times that I'm not laughing, I'm usually right there with ya.

Allow yourself to own this blog. Censor the idiots, but not yourself. Stay real, gyrl!

I have not yet had the pleasure of getting obnoxious comments from strangers, but it seems clear to me that people who spend time putting down via e-mail someone they've never even met are saying a lot more about themselves than about the blogger they're spewing about. It's like playground bullies -- they actually feel insecure and have to build themselves up by knocking other people down. And yes, it's your personal blog that people can stop reading if they don't like it. I think the only case in which it's OK to make an argumentative comment is for political blogs, since any successful attempt to bring the idiot poster (and his or her other idiot readers) around to your point of view may actually make the world a better pace come election time (again, from your POV). Though I doubt that ever really happens. The only people asking for trollish comments are people who write trollish things, which you DO NOT. Rock on!

I didn't even read the other comments.

I think it is beautiful that you did that for the woman climbing the hill.
it shows how compassionate you are.

And yayyyyy for your brother!

I worry sometimes that I won't have interesting enough things to say. Is my life really that varied and thought provoking that I should be writing about it as I do and hoping that others will come to read it? I try to stay off Hollywood and political topics and stick to what I know, but in the end, am I enough to write about?

We all have the freedom to write what we want. And regardless of what we do or do not write, people are going to form opinions. Take a very E-Famous blogger like Heather Armstrong at Dooce.com; many adore her page and flock to it on a daily basis, but she gets hate mail too, wishing ill on her and her family. For stating her opinion of her life, on her website. There are ups and downs to all aspects of the online life. Friends of mine don't 'get' why people would want to blog about personal things in the first place and I don't know if I can ever properly explain it to them.

Don't let that urge to censor get to you. You are refreshing and interesting and censorship by others or yourself is only going to taint that.

Betsy