Last night I decided to mix it up get a little kahraaazy at the gym...
by getting a tan.
I've only "tanned" once in my life. I do not like tanning beds. They scare me. But, tomorrow is The Wedding and I thought it would be nice to have a little color on my skin.
The girl that works there took me into the tanning room, handed me my protective eyewear, and then, hands me a bottle of some kind of cleaner and informs me that I MUST CLEAN THE BED BEFORE I GET IT.
I have "germ issues", and issues with "other people's body sweat", and so I would have preferred that the bed had been cleaned FOR me. Since that wasn't happening, I forced a smile and said "Awesome! Thanks!"
Before she walked out, I asked her for a towel. I wanted to drape a little towel over my nipples (That word. Kills me.) because, I don't ever want to experience burnt nipples.
"Sorry, we don't have towels."
Once again, I forced a smile "That's ok! No big deal!"
But, actually, it was a HUGE deal to me. I did not want crisp-ay nipples and the thought of not having a towel to cover them with filled me with panic and anxiety.
It was time to "clean to bed."
I picked up the spray bottle, got a bunch of paper towels (enough to protect my hands from Sweaty Wimmin Germs) and was about to spray when I saw "It."
A pube.
Right there. In the middle of the bed. All alone, all curly. Just laying there.
Instant dry heaves.
No. Seriously. I couldn't stop heaving.
A strangers Pube! On the bed I was going to lay naked on! STARING AT ME! ALL CURLY LIKE!
After I was able to stop heaving, I came up with "a plan." No way in hell was I going to come near that thing, so, I decided to blow it out of the way. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and blew as hard as I could.
Now that The Pube was somewhere other than on the bed, I sprayed the shit out of that bed and after a couple seconds of wanting to throw up, I began to wipe that sucker down.
I am not ashamed to admit I cleaned it FIVE TIMES.
I began to get naked, but decided to keep the chonis on because NO WAY IN HELL was my naked butt going to lay on a bed where another woman's pube had resided 3 minutes earlier.
Once I was naked (except for the chonis.) I had to decide what to do about "The nipples. I was seriously terrified of them getting burnt to a crisp and I can only imagine how much that would hurt. It only took me a minute and Ha! I had a plan! I came up with the awesome idea of making nipple covers out of paper towels. I tore a couple of small, (ok, large, because... ARE HUGE) round pieces, licked them and slapped those babies right on.
Pure genuis. I know.
After I made sure the protective eye wear was fitted perfectly on my eyes to avoid PERMENANT AND SEVERE EYE DAMAGE like the scary ass sign haning above the bed so clearly warned me about, I felt like I was ready to push the "start" button.
I took a deep breath, checked my Custom Nipple Covers to make sure they were in place, adjusted the glasses one last time to make sure that they were completely covered and finally... pushed the start button.
Six minutes later (I know, most people tan for about 12 minutes, but, being the paranoid freak of nature that I am, I asked her to cut my time in half because I was afraid of burning or getting blister and man, I would hate to show up at a wedding with blisters all over my body.) the whole ordeal was finally over and my skin has a lovely, very slight, darker tone to it.
I'm not quite sure it was worth all of the Drama, but, hey, it's good to "live on the edge" and get a little wild and craaazy every once in a while.
And for me? That was wild and crazy, people.
You crack me up. When I go to tan...I have to start at like 3 minutes...then build up very slowly. It takes me almost a month to build up to 20 minutes. I'm just that white and prone to burn! It sucks...
My fear in blowing the pube away...what if I accidentally inhaled and then sucked it into my mouth?!?!? I would honestly worry about that...ew, ew, ew!