Life is short. And I've wasted enough time in my life hating my body.
For the first time in many, many years, maybe even in my entire life, I am starting to feel comfortable in my skin.
It's a choice I've made. It doesn't come naturally to me to love this body, especially since it's so torn up.
Saggy breasts, hanging skin, stretched out belly button, stretchmarks, cellulite, fat everywhere.
There's not much to love about it and I've spent a great deal of time being horribly ashamed of it.
I have avoided people and places because of it, I've made excuses why I can't go here or there because of this shame.
I've worked very hard to try to improve this body. I want it to be healthy, to be in shape and to last me a very long time. And that wasn't going to happen by hating it and not taking care of it.
Enough is enough, I said to myself and I kicked things up a notch. I started going to the gym 5 nights a week. I would have much rather stayed home, sat on the couch and watched TV with my family. Infact? Sometimes? I cry when I have to leave. I cry and I cuss about how much I hate having to work out when there are skinny bitches out there who can eat whatever they want and not get fat like me! I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
I told myself I didn't have to like it, that it was ok to hate it, but it had to get done. I had to go to the gym, even when I didn't feel like it and that one day, it would pay off and that it would all be worth it.
Pounds started to fall off, clothes started to get bigger, inches were disappearing.
Then, the compliments started coming.
"You look great! What are you doing?"
"Are you losing weight?"
My Mother in law called me sexy. SEXY!
I can honestly say, the payoff has finally arrived and the payoff is this.
I no longer feel "Shame."
Infact? I actually feel proud of myself.
Is my body where I want it to be? No. I'm still overweight. There are still things I hate about it, there are things I will always hate about it, but, I am not ashamed of it.
I've worked so damn hard to get where I am at and I am allowing myself to take pride in my accomplishments. I don't usually allow myself to do that, because, I don't feel I have much to be proud of. But, you know what? I could have very easily not done anything about my weight because DAMN IT, it is overwhelming and it's hard to imagine ever getting to where you want to be when you're over 200 pounds. I felt hopeless and unable to do it. I would find myself so envious of people who were losing weight. I didn't think I had it in me to do what they had done.
If there is anyone out there who feels that way, let me tell you, I know how that feels. Oh my God, I know. I remember feeling like throwing up at the thought of going to the gym because I was so out of shape and Oh! How The Fit people would laugh at me. Then, I realized that it wasn't ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF.
I had to stop caring about what I loooked like at the gym. It didn't matter, I was there for my health, and that wasn't anything to be ashamed of.
I finally, FINALLY realized that I was worth the effort.
Now, I find myself taking dance class 3 times a week. Me! In dance class. I'll never forget the first time I took it. It happened by accident that I ended up in that class, and when the instructor said "Tonight, I teach hip hop" I headed for the door. Hell to the no on THAT. But there was a lady there who convinced me to stay. "It's fun! And who cares if you mess up? Just relax and enjoy it."
"But! I have no rhythm! And my ass! It will shake! And my boobs, dear GOD, my boobs!"
Then, I took a deep breath and said to myself "You're here to burn calories and lose weight, not to be a dancer. JUST DO IT."
Now, I go every week, three times and just last week, the instructor pulled me and my cousin aside and said "You two are the best students I have. I can't explain it, but having you in my class is a joy, you make me very happy."
Yeah. I cried and let me tell you why. In the past, I wouldn't have even tried it for fear of looking stupid, or messing up, or thinking I couldn't do it because I was fat and I suck. But, I didn't give into that negativity and I just freaking did it. Now, I love it and it shows, because my dance makes people happy.
Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaa!
I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, but I know I'm getting more excited as I type and I want to tell every person out there who wants to lose weight but is feeling hopeless to please, PLEASE, stop listening to the lies that you can't do it, or that you're not worth it, or that you can never reach your goal.
You can and you will, you just have to decide that you're worth it.
Who do I think I am? A motivational speaker or something? God.
The Cheese. It lives.
Oh hon, you are so worth it. You are WORTHY! You rate, and you rock, and you are SO COOL. I absolutely WORSHIP you.
And all these things were true before, too. Not just now. Look in the mirror and see what we've all seen, all along. Beautiful, wonderful, YOU.