(GIF courtesy of Joelle. HAAAA.)
My husband brought home the biggest bottle of wine I've ever seen and proudly declared "It was only $5.99!" as he held the bottle high in the air as if he were a hunter showing off his kill.
I know what he was thinking. A sure boinking for less than $6.00. STEAL! But all I could think was " HA! Ha! HA! Man, that's a big bottle of wine!" And after a few glasses, it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen.
No. Seriously. That big ol' bottle of Wild Vines was Hilarious to me.
(But not as funny as it was to walk out of my front door at 7:30 this morning to find two guys across the street throwing bricks at the car window, in order to break in so one could hot wire it and the other could move it out of the driveway and park across the street in front of my house! It was like "GOODMORNING GHETTO! Nice to see you in action so early in the morning. PEACE TO YOU AND YOURS!!")
(And don't make me prove it by taking pictures of the car that has a busted out window with a sign that says something about "abondoned car. will be towed" attached to it. I LOVE THIS HOOD!)
I LOVE that my husband wasn't ashamed to put that thang on the conveyer belt at the grocery store. He loves me that much.
I hope my mom doesn't find my blog today, because, if she does, she is not going to be happy that I'm holding a bottle of wine all happy like. Especially considering that yesterday, I said my first cuss word in her presence.
That's right. I'm 34 years old and have NEVER cussed in front of my mother. Unless you think "pissed off" is cussing because I say that to her all of the time and man, she hates it.
So, yesterday, I was telling her the story about how Dr.Ken Doll DDS was hurting me so badly as he was trying to fit my crown and I how tried to take it (because I have a very high tolerance for pain) but how I got pissed off and finally shouted "DAMN IT, THAT HURTS, MAN."
Normally, I would have lied, sugar coated it and said replaced "Damn" with "Darn", but for some reason, I was feeling extra brave and "adult-ish" yesterday and I just The Damn slip from my tongue and flow into my mother's ears.
"Why do you have to have such a filthy mouth? 'Damn it' 'pissed off. I NEVER talked like that."
I tried to jusitify it by comparing it to a woman cussing whilst in labor. Like, "It's ok to cuss when one is in pain! Get it?"
But apparently, she NEVER cussed during labor, so, she couldn't relate.
I felt all brave and sort of gangstah, like "WHAT'S UP, BITCHES? Yeah, I cuss" on the way home, until it hit me that she was probably going to call my dad and tell on me and that my dad was probably going to call me and give me a sermon about using bad words and how I would probably start crying and man, was it really worth it to finally admit to my mother that I USE UNGODLY WORDS?
The jury is still out on that one.
Do you notice how I'm totally avoiding talking about the previous post in which I was depressed about our financial status? Yeah, that's because I am still upset about it. But, I have agreed to help my mother in law clean offices at night to make extra money and what little pride I do have will be stripped from me the minute I have to walk into that office with a bottle of cleaner hanging from my belt loop (because that is where the bottle of cleaners go, people!) but how I am willing to do it just to make an extra few dollars to have to spend on my kids.
TALK ABOUT BEING PROACTIVE. I will clean pubes off of toilets for an extra $20. DO NOT CALL ME A WHINER, for if you do, I will not hesitate to whip the bottle of cleaning solution from my belt loop and squirt you in the eye with it!
In closing of this completely pointless post that is making me laugh more than you know because HA! HA! IT'S STUPID BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT CRYING WHEN I'M WRITING IT, I would like to leave you with my latest "monthly" weight loss photos. Like always, they are very poor quality and, like Trainer Mike alluded to with his smartass "NICE POSE, DORK" comment, the poses suck a lot, but, they are what they are. Pictures of what my current body looks like (Because, She asked. A long time ago, but still, she asked.)
Clearly, I am sticking The Ass out on purpose here, but that was to demonstate how very large it still is and I do believe it needs it's own Social Security Number. But I mean that in a very NOT NEGATIVE WAY so do not scold me.
Clearly, the cleaning of bathroom mirrors is "optional" in our house. And also? I realize the pants I am wearing are "too tight" but! They are pants that I wore in 2001 when I was a solid 14 and today, I was able to zip them for the first time in a very long time.
Awesomeness.
Damn, girl, quit putting the hot pictures up on the interweb. I'm at work and can't go home for four more hours!!
Also, on the wine? My last wine came in a BOX. That said "Target" on it. Yes, from the award winning Target Winery, no doubt.