Our 15th wedding anniversary was in November. We were supposed to go out that weekend to celebrate, but, "something" came up. I can't remember what that something was, but I'm pretty sure it was one of the following.

-We didn't have enough money
-We couldn't get a sitter
-Tony was "too tired"
-I had "nothing to wear"

Every once in a while, when I'm feeling pissy, I'll bring up the fact that my husband never took me out to celebrate our 15th year together, because, you know, it's totally his fault. And everytime I bring it up, he'll say something completely untrue like "You want to go out? I'll take you out this weekend. I'll ask my mom to watch the kids and we'll go, just me and you, because I love you and want to spend time alone with you!"

I usually respond with a Severe Eye Rolling, a loud sigh and a very mature "What-EVER."

I have a very valid excuse to give such a response. In the 15 years we've been married, my husband has planned ZERO nights out. Oh, he's promised me many nights out. He's said things like "I miss time alone with you, I'm going to plan us a night out!" and I've believed him and got my hopes up, only to be disappointed when it never happened. I used to cry about it, because it used to hurt. I don't cry anymore, because, I've accepted that my husband doesn't have a romantic bone (ha! ha! BONE) in his body.

This past weekend, I decided to take matters into my own hands and plan a night out.

This may or may not have been due to the fact that my "friend", Mr.Jay Mohr was coming out of retirement from stand up to do a show at The Improv and well, I wanted to be there.

I emailed Jay to tell him that we were going to be there and his response was "I won't recognize you with your new body, wear a fat suit."

How did Jay know that I've lost weight?

I'll tell you how.

One night, after having consumed some wonderfully delicious Cheap Wine, I sent him an email with the following in the subject line

"Check me out."

As if that wasn't horrifying enough, I sent a link to my flickr weight loss pictures and said things like "tap my own ass" and "I think you need to see this."

Anyway...

I won't go into details, but I was under the assumption that seats were going to be saved for us, so there was no need for us to get there early. So get there early we most certainly did not. By the time we got there, the line was so long, it was wrapped around the back of the building and I was all "Fear not, my dear, we have saved seats! HAAA ON THE SUCKERS WAITING IN LINE!"

So. I felt like saying "So" a lot in that paragraph. SO?

I got my tickets, told bouncer dude, "so and so is saving seats for us, so, um, you gonna let us in, or WHAT?"

(SO!)

To which bouncer dude responded with "I have no idea what you're talking about, crazy biotch, get THINE ASS TO THE BACK OF LINE!"

Do I need to tell you that I was so fucking embarassed? Because I was so fucking embarassed.

We proceeded to walk to the back of the building and park our sorry asses at the very end of the very long line. I was cussing and whining and saying things like "Jay is not going to be happy about this."

Because, Jay cares, people.

As we were standing, in the rain, at the end of the line, I saw Jay pull up in his Escalade and was like "AW HELLS YEAH". He got out of the car, and I walked over to him.

He was all "Hey Yvonne" (Yeah, I only say that to prove that HE KNOWS WHO I AM.)

And I was all "Hey Jay" and he was all "let me park my car" and I was all "Ok" and he was all "My fiance is with me" and I was all "hint taken, I'll leave you alone" and he was all "No! Stay there, I want you to meet her." (Her, being Nikki Cox) and I was all "Awesome."

Man. Nikki Cox. Beautiful. Skinny. Very sweet. Skinny. Totally nice. S-K-I-N-N-Y. (God, I wish I had asked to take a picture with her, but I was too intimidated and didn't want her to get annoyed with me, so the camera? Stayed in the case.)

Jay? Very buff. Hot. Sweet. BUFF. Which, haha, Jay is buff. Not used to that. He has always been kinda skinny, but, not anymore. Boyfriend be BULKED UP. He says he has to to keep up with Nikki, because, you know, she's so hot.

I told him what had happened up front and how, poor us, we had to wait at the end of the line because of LIIIIAAARSSSS and he was all "Oh, you're not waiting in that line, you're coming with me, I'll take care of you and make sure you get a good table."

He asked the waitress to take care of us and make sure we got seats.

She got us seats right by the stage and I was able to spend a few minutes talking to Nikki about how she met and fell in love with Jay. I was also able to see her very BIG engagement ring. (You thought I was going to say boobies. Admit it.)

The show? Was hilarious. There were three other comedians that performed. Two of them ROCKED THE MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE.

Skyler Stone. (Please, click and go to his website, I promised him hits. DON'T MAKE ME LOOK BAD.) Turns out he was on a show that my son LOVED (Con, on Comedy Central) and he was so cool to give me dvd's of the show and sign them for the boys. Anyway, Skyler? Is funny, cool and friendly as hell. I'll definitely pay to see him again.

And because this post just isn't LONG ENOUGH, I'm going to post a picture of the two of us together, one of us looking totally not even drunk in the slighest!

It made me all warm and fuzzy inside to look over and see my husband laughing and having a good time. He works so hard for this family, most nights, he's too tired to enjoy himself. Seeing him laughing and whilst sipping on a beer? Well, that warmed my heart. (CHEESE!) You know what else warmed my "heart?" When Jay exited the stage, and I, in my Not Even Slightly Drunkedness, said "I love you, Jay" and he grabbed me, pulled me close for a kiss on the cheek and we both turned the wrong way and kissed each other on the lips. It was kinda like "HELLO, juicy, Buff Jay lips, so nice to meet you." But, more like "TOTALLY AKWARD".

(Kinda like the time when I went to hug my brother at his wedding rehearsal dinner and we both went to kiss each other on the cheek, but accidently kissed on the lips and we both kinda froze and then after about a minute of shock, we both started wiping our mouths furiously and saying things like "SICK!" "Disgusting!" "I'll never be able to look you in the eye again!" Only funnier, because, you know, Jay's a comedian.)

BUT! The absolutely greatest part of the night was, after casually mentioning to my husband that Nikki Cox just might be there and "wouldn't you like to meet her fine ass?" I caught him in the bathroom with a pair of tweezers in his hands PLUCKING EAR HAIRS FROM HIS EARS. The same ear hairs that I've been asking him to pluck for, I don't know, let's say, 5 years?

He swears the plunking had absolutely nothing to do with the fact he may be face to face with a beautiful actress. Asbsolutely nothing at all to do with it! He just mysteriously happened to catch a glimpse of those disgusting old man ear hairs in the mirror and decided "Hey, my wife's been telling me to pluck these things for YEARS! I'm going to do it for her tonight, just because I love her that much."

Ha! Ha! Oh, how I love his unromantically boned ass.