I took a couple old rolls of film that have been sitting in a drawer for a few months to be developed tonight.
I saw this picture and I started to cry. I remember this exact moment. I was happy. Those two boys were my whole world. My God, how complete my life was with them in it.
A few months after this picture was taken, I slipped into a deep depression. I would say things like "This world would be a better place without me in it." I honestly believed that. I was a horrible, disgusting person who had nothing to offer this world.
One night, I found myself feeling desperately sad and hopeless. I locked myself in my bedroom, fell to the floor, and sobbed like a baby.
As I sat there, crying uncontrollably, I looked up and right there, on my desk, was a picture of my boys. My handsome, witty, hilarious, intelligent, loving little boys. Those two beautiful human beings loved me. It became perfectly clear to me in that moment that this world would NOT be a better place without me in it because They LOVED ME. Inperfect, flawed, mentally ill ME. And they needed me, they needed their mama.
Their love, their joy, their sweet spirits are what kept me going on the days I wanted to go to bed and never wake up again.
They are the reason I sought the professional help that I needed. They are my angels and I love them deeply, to the core of my being and will always be grateful for their existance.
I have a great deal of guilt for what I put them through for the 2 years I was sick. I get physically sick when I think of all of the little things I missed while I was curled up in the fetal position, letting life pass me by.
This picture gives me hope. Hope to believe that THIS is what they'll remember when they are grown. That we were so happy, that we enjoyed every minute we had together, that I loved them. I hope that the love, joy and pure bliss in this picture is what they remember.
You are a beautiful family.