I'm in a "story telling" mood, so today, you get to read a story about The Greatest Concert I've Ever Been To and Not Because the Concert Itself Was Great.
I admit that I am still very much in love with this night and think about it more than I probably should, considering that it happened over 5 years ago, but it seriously ranks as one of the most hilarious nights of my entire life. I realise that it is probably one of those "you had to be there" stories, but I will do my best to try to convey it's greatness through the written word.
The night started out great. Me and my husband, our very good friends A & J , my most favorite person in the world who happens to be a Very Hot Cop, Michael and two of his friends all chillin, drinking beers and waiting for The Country Music Goodness to begin.
Yes. It was a country music concert. And yes, that was one of the worst paragraphs I've ever written.
As we're sitting there waiting, a couple and their friend walked in and sat down in front of us. We started making small talk wtih the three of them. At one point in the conversation The Friend, who was wearing a BRA covered only by a totally see through shirt and buttloads of CHEST GLITTER, stands up and introduces herself. It turned out to be the greatest introduction of oneself in the history of self introductions.
"Hi, my name is Gina...with a 'J'"
As she said "J", she did this WILD AND CRAZY hooklike motion with her pinky, because, GET IT, GINA WITH A J AND HAHA! LOOK, SHE'S MAKING A J LIKE MOTION WITH HER PINKY.
Lucky for you, I'm way more into this story than I should be and got my camera out to demonstate the crazy hook like pinky motion so that you can truly understand it's greatness.
Ready?
"Hi, I'm Gina...with a 'J'".
She seriously did that! And more than once! Gina! With a J! AWESOME!
But, that's not the best part of the night.
So, concert starts, Gina...with a J starts flirting with my Really Hot Cop Friend and, because he's all about The Girls (and the "girls") he was flirting back. Before you know it, Really Hot Cop Friend is sitting on Gina...with a J's lap and OMG! They are totally making out. She was shoving his face into her Glittered Breasts and there was tongue flying everywhere and we couldn't control our laughter and our "I WONDER WHERE HER TONGUE HAS BEEN" jokes. I think at one point, I was "acting out" the "various viruses" that probably lived within her mouth and her, um, you know, VAGINA. I wish I had sound on my camera, because I'd LOVE to show you that little dramatization, but just know it had a lot of showing of teeth and growling sounds.
Oh my God! This story is so great, that I'm having a hard time writing about it in any coherent way because so much happened and it's all scattered in my brain and JUST BEAR WITH ME HERE.
Sitting in the same row as "Gina... with a J", there was a beautiful, thin woman in leather pants who really enjoyed standing up during the concert to show off her fantastic county music dance moves. I did not have a problem with it whatsoever, because, it was a concert and people stand during concerts! Nothing new or crazy about that.
But! There was a lady behind us who had a HUGE problem with it because when hot girl stood up to dance "she couldn't see the concert" but more like because she was a "bitter old hag who was jealous of the hot, young ass shaking in front of her husband".
Anyway, every OTHER MINUTE that old hag would shout out "Sit down! I can't see!" It started to get on my nerves the second time she said it, so by the time her husband tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to tell the woman to sit down because his wife couldn't see the concert I lost my shit.
"OMG! SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO SIT DOWN! IT'S A CONCERT! GET A GRIP. IF SHE CAN'T SEE, WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST STAND UP AND SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY! Damn!"
At this point, Really Hot Cop Friend had already pryed himself off of Gina...with a J's lap and was once again sitting next to me. You should have seen his face and the faces of his friends after I wa finished GOING OFF on that guy. They were like "Oh no she di-unt".
Old hag didn't like that I yelled at her annoying husband so she tried to step to this and I was like YOU DON'T WANNA GO THERE, OLD HAG.
Things were fine for about a minute, then, all of a sudden, my friend A is screaming at asshole guy who thought it was ok to POKE ME repeatedly and boss me around. Apparently, asshole guy was giving me dirty looks and talking shit about me and A didn't like it and told him to chill out.
Next thing you know... FIGHT! FIGHT! AT THE COUNTRY CONCERT! FIGHT!
Asshole Guy was up in A's face and Bitter Old Hag was all up in J's face and I was all up in everyone's face and Bitter Old Hag PUSHES J and then SECURITY COMES! I start going off about how this is all Bitter Old Hag and Asshole Guy's fault because they were harassing us the entire time and GET THIS! There were "witnesses" who "corroborate" my story and they were "asked" to leave and we got to stay!
SCORE ONE FOR HOT BLOODED HALF LATINA.
You would think we would have been able to sit down and enjoy the concert at that point, but, Ha! Ha! No way.
I went up to go potty and as I was exiting the bathroom, Really Hot Cop Friend, happened to be up to get a beer and when he saw me, his very drunk ass got on one knee and begin to profess his (very drunk) love for me.
"I am sorry for making out with Gina...with a J, I love you and if you weren't married..."
You bet your ass I was thinking "I can't wait to throw THIS in his face after he sobers up with taunts of "You secretly LOVE ME!", and I was also thinking "HA! HA! He is confessing his secret love for me with TITTAY GLITTER ALL OVER HIS HEAD. But I also felt guilty because drunk confessions are THE WORST, so, I put my finger up to his mouth, all soap opera like, and said "shhhhhhhh, you're drunk, you better stop talking."
Just as he was getting up from his "I'm drunk. I love you. And I'm on one drunk knee to prove it position." My friend J comes running up to us. She was in a panic.
"Oh my God, Michael, Gina... with a J got into a fight with her friends because they were pissed that she was acting like a slut with you all up in her lap and so... THEY LEFT HER HERE. She doesn't have a ride home now and I have a feeling she's going to ask YOU to take her home since, you know, you were all up in her tittays!"
We all panicked because, TRUST ME, you would NOT want to get stuck with Gina...with a J. By this time, everyone had left the concert to figure out what to do, except for my husband, who ACTUALLY STILL CARED about the damn concert itself. He was sitting there, waiting for the main act to come out, because the main act is one of his all time favorite country music singers.
My God, I love that man, but damn him for not realizing what the hell was going on and actually PAYING ATTENTION TO THE CONCERT AND NOT THE DRAMA.
Everyone was like "We have to leave! Really Hot Cop can NOT get stuck with Gina...with a J. Let's ditch this mother fucker and GO LINE DANCING!"
I went and grabbed Tony and on the way up the stairs, I informed him of "our plan". He was upset because OH MY GOD! He was going to miss Alan Jackson, but it was 5 against 1 so he didn't really have a choice.
You're not going to believe this, but me and Tony were the only sober ones in the group (because we couldn't afford the EIGHT DOLLAR A CUP beers! Ha! Being poor sometimes works out GREAT!), so we decided that me and J would drive in our car and Tony would drive the guys in A's truck.
Off to Montana's we went.
On the way there, J started complaining of "feeling sick" and in my most compassionate tone, I said "MOTHER OF GOD, you BETTER NOT throw up in my car. I'm serious. I will kill you."
She was a little (drunk) hurt and swore she'd warn me if she had to hurl so I could pull over.
The greatest part of the drive over there was not me yelling things like "OH MY GOD, JODI, I SWEAR, I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU PUKE IN MY CAR" but, it was most definitely when Really Hot Cop Friend stuck his ass out of the window of the truck and showed us his Really Hot Ass.
So sad that Gina...with a J couldn't have been there with us to enjoy that.
As soon as we parked the car at the place where we were going to get our Country Line dance on, J started puking her guts out in the parking lot. I was very proud of her for holding it in like that.
The night ended after a few "watermelon crawls" and "boot scootin' boogies" and an early morning trip to del taco where we laughed at Really Hot Cop's glitter covered drunk ass passed out in the back of our car and where we wondered if Gina...with a J ever did find a ride home.
I'm sure with that really great "hook like pinky move" she had no problems hitch hiking a ride to wherever the hell it was that she lived.
But seriously, how great would it have been if it was in a town that started with a "J"?
(I do NOT have time to edit, so I'm sure there are a ton of mistakes. I'll get around to fixing it as soon as G-unit takes a nap.)
(also, you totally had to be there, huh?)
That was damn funny. And, damn long. With a J.