Joy Unexpected | This Blog is Poison to Your Brains!

May 10, 2006

I don't blame you if you want to slap me across the face after reading this one.

I woke up in a fabulous mood yesterday. I wanted to get out of this house and do things! Go places! Buy things! Like, frappucinos!

I was in such a great mood, that I did something I rarely do on a weekday morning. I took a shower. A shower before 8pm is craziness for me, people. CRAZY, I tell you.

The sun was shining brightly but the air was crisp and cool. It was a perfect morning to be outside so I decided to go to the park for a little "outdoor fun" (which you all know really means "photo session.") with my daughter.

(My daughter. I'm still in awe when I say those two words. I never thought I'd have a daughter, I never thought I'd have a third child, I never planned on having a daughter and yet, I have a daughter. I will forever be in awe of that sweet girl.)

About 30 minutes into our trip to the park, my daughter, who now believes she is "all that" and wants to climb on the equipment all by herself, (AND BOB FORBID YOU TRY TO OFFER HER A HELPING HAND) slipped and fell on one of the steps, causing her enormous teeth to come crashing down on her tongue and OMG! Blood! Oozing out of her mouth!

For those not in "the know", I tend to FREAK THE HELL OUT when my kids get hurt.

I was scared to look inside of her mouth. Did she knock her teeth out? Was there a gapping hole in her tongue? DID SHE LOSE A CHUNK OF TONGUE? I started to feel weak, like I was going to pass out.

I ran to the bench where I had left her sippy cup filled with ice and water. I gave her a drink and got the nerve to look inside her mouth. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined, but it wasn't good either.

I do believe her tooth went through her tongue.

I decided it was time to leave the park because the bleeding wouldn't stop. I tried to remain calm and said things like, "People bite their tongues all of the time, it's not a big deal!" But then I'd look in the rear view mirror and see blood dripping from her mouth and be tempted to call 911 "OMG! My daughter is bleeding from her mouth! HELP! NOW!"

(If you think I'm exaggerating, just keep in mind that I called the cops about BEES, people.)

I decided after we got home that I was going to take her to The Injury Clinic. I know! Totally over reacting, because what are they going to do with an injured tongue? They can't stitch it, they can't do anything to make the bleeding stop. So, why would I take her to THE INJURY CLINIC?

I'll tell you why. Because I called to ask advice on how to make the bleeding stop and the "advice nurse" was all "WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE HER IN TO GET CHECKED?" And I snapped back "BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK THEY COULD DO ANYTHING FOR A TONGUE INJURY."

I felt so damn guilty after talking to her that I called my mom and told her "I'm taking G-Unit to the injury clinic."

"Is she OK?"

"Well, she bit her tongue and..."

"hahahha, you're taking her for THAT?"

Anyway, I drive all the way there only to be told what I already knew. "There's nothing we can do, just avoid salty foods, give her ice water and maybe popsicles and WATCH FOR SWELLING OR FEVER."

Apparently, open wounds in the mouth are prone to infections. Awesome. Now I can't stop compulsively checking my daughters tongue for swelling and making sure she's not "warm."

(Crazy, right? All this fuss over a tongue bite? But I can't help it. I freak when my kids get hurt. I can't deal with life when I see blood coming anywhere from their heads. One time? When Ethan fell on the concrete and a HUGE BLACK AND BLUE BUMPED instanty formed in between his eyes, I ran inside! And started screaming and crying "OMG. LOOK AT HIS FACE! TONY! OH MY GOD!" Tony got so pissed off and said things like "You're scaring him, ACT LIKE A MOTHER, WOMAN." All of his tests came back "normal" but the doctor told me that there was a chance he could have BLEEDING OF THE BRAIN so to watch him for the signs listed on the piece of paper he handed me. I did not sleep for an entire week and would compulsively get up to check on him.)

I got up at least 5 times to make sure she wasn't bleeding again. Or swollen. Or infected in any way shape or form.

But one time, I got up because my leg fell asleep and it started to hurt and when I got up to "walk it off" my leg collapsed from underneath me and I came crashing down to the ground. I screamed for Tony whilst laying on the ground and perhaps, MAYBE told him that I thought I was dying because WHY ELSE WOULD MY LEG COLLAPSE? AND OMG WILL YOU PLEASE PUNCH MY LEG TO SEE IF THE NERVES STILL WORK?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I totally overreact to EVERTHING and maybe it's not really funny, but people, I honestly thought I was going to die last night.

Now I realize how ridiculous it was to think I was dying last night and have now downgraded my leg "condition" to a blood clot or possibly, a tumor that is causing the nerves in my leg to die slowly while I sleep.

See how awesome I am? I may over react at first, but once I calm down, I am TOTALLY able to think rationally.

I'm pretty sure I don't need to tell you that I am definitely NOT the person you want to be stuck with in an emergency type situation. (But TOTALLY the person you want to be with when doing any sort of activity that involves drinking of The Liquor, a stage, and a little funky music.)

Posted by Y at May 10, 2006 12:49 PM

Comments

I haven't even finished reading the post....just wanted to say how gorgeous that little girl is.

Posted by: Buffy at May 11, 2006 10:51 AM

Once last year my daughter fell off the couch onto the hardwood floor. She got a HUGE bump on her head; one so big I was really scared. I called the pediatrician's office to see if a big bump like that was cause to take her in for observation, and they told me no, that if the bump is on the outside, that means the skull is doing its job, and it will look unpleasant for a while, but more than likely, she'll be OK.

But then she told me not to let her fall asleep for a while. Muh wha???

She was excited about going to the doctor because they always give her stickers. And she gets to go for a drive in the car. So... my husband and I took her for a ride, and by the time we got back, the bump looked a lot smaller.

It's still scary though, huh?

-H

Posted by: Hed at May 11, 2006 11:05 AM

Aww, poor little sweetie! You'll be amazed how quickly her little mouth will heal. I hate it when my kids get hurt. I am somehow able to stay calm on the outside, but inside my head I am FREAKING OUT!!! So, hugs to her and her mama today! Hope it's better soon!

Posted by: Valerie at May 11, 2006 11:08 AM

First off, I want her pigtails. Seriously.

Second, I so look forward to your posts. I really do. You write like you talk, if that makes sense.

Love that about you.

Hope G-Unit is A-OK.

Oh...and I hope your leg problem goes away!

Posted by: The Other Laurie at May 11, 2006 11:25 AM

I'm glad G-unit's okay! And I'm glad that you stayed cool and collected--at least in your actions. See! You're not like my dad, who faints when he sees his children bleeding...

...even when they're 25 years old and aren't even freaking out, themselves.

Posted by: Natalie at May 11, 2006 11:25 AM

Hon, I would trust you with anything, under any circumstances.

Posted by: Mamacita at May 11, 2006 11:26 AM

No mention of aerobic dancing? What is the world coming to...

And those pigtails. So CUTE!

Posted by: E :) at May 11, 2006 11:41 AM

E! I HAD an Aerobic Dancing reference, but took it out for fear of people telling me to STOP TALKING ABOUT IT ALREADY.

It warms my heart that YOU brought it up.

Posted by: Y at May 11, 2006 11:42 AM

dude. LOL. you kill me.

Posted by: Joelle at May 11, 2006 11:53 AM

You. Are. A. Spazz.

But a very very entertaining one that made me spew diet-caffeine-free-satan-only-knows-what-chemicals-i'm-drinking-dr.-pepper all over my freshly cleaned computer screen.

Don't feel too bad about the spazzing, though. We all do it. When I was in college, (3 states away), I went to Birmingham with some friends. My mom couldn't reach me, talked to my drunk roomie who said I left with someone she didn't know (which we weren't friends, so duh).

My mom convinced herself and my dad that I had been abducted, was probably getting gangraped and murdered, and then called a) the dorm supervisor b) campus security c) city police d) the church pastor e) the local hospitals f) the church pastor AGAIN g) the HIGHWAY PATROL.

To put a "lookout" for my car.

Which I wasn't driving.

Because it was at my parents' house, 3 states away, because they wouldn't let me take it my first semester. Which is why I rode with friends.

Sigh.

Spazzing. It's an integral part of motherhood.

Posted by: Me at May 11, 2006 12:14 PM

Oh, but I LOVE Gabby's hair. Very precious. I was just flipping through your Flickr and noticing how full her hair has gotten since the original pigtails.

She is a doll.

Posted by: Me at May 11, 2006 12:15 PM

*slaps*

Posted by: trish at May 11, 2006 12:21 PM

I know it's been mentioned on your flickr pages, but seriously, she's Boo in those pigtails.

I think I may have freaked if that had happened to my nieces or newphew and I saw The Blood. Of course, I would equally be worrying about a parental ass-whooping too.(Letting their kids and babies watch Vegas (is anythign else on on a Friday night?) is one thing ...
a "cerebral/tongue hematoma" is another.)

last night I slept on my hand weird and I swear the pain I experienced when I finally moved it from under my head...mind you, I didn't think I was DYING like someone, but you know, I almost woke Mike up to complain about it. And damn it takes a long time for the blood to get re-circulating.

Posted by: jenfromboston at May 11, 2006 12:34 PM

Okay, I just laughed so hard I cried because of this. Not the G-Unit being hurt part, but the rest (over-reacting, leg clot stuff). My cousin did that to her tongue once, because of me, and I laughed and laughed. It was like 20+ years ago and she'll still tell you all about it! (Obviously, she got over it, she never shuts up...haha)

Posted by: NinaKaye at May 11, 2006 01:59 PM

All I know is that if I feel like crap, I come here and you make me feel a whole helluva lot better.

Posted by: LotionBarBunny at May 11, 2006 04:57 PM

Ugh, not the tongue! There's always so much freaking blood with mouth injuries. I'm glad you are both okay! I hate to be a copy cat but I love the pigtails!

Posted by: Katie at May 11, 2006 07:29 PM

Oh, she is just so beautiful! I hope she feels better soon. (And I would have spazzed just as hard)

Posted by: demondoll at May 11, 2006 07:54 PM

Hi!! I read you often, but have never commented. Can I just say that you crack me up. Seriously, you are like hard core, laugh-out-loud funny. Those few margaritas could have something to do with the uncontrollable laughter, but mostly? I think it's just you!

Posted by: Kristina at May 11, 2006 08:34 PM

kids fall down

baby teeth break

these things happen

if you're nervous about the tounge ask anyone with a percing what happens if they leave it out over night. her touge will heal before there's a chance for infections

she'll be fine, you'll be fine... except for the leg punching

Posted by: exile at May 11, 2006 08:57 PM

I find it kind of odd that there was that much blood considering I had a very minimal amount of blood when I got my tongue pierced. granted that's just one needle and not several teeth, but still. I ate a lot of crushed ice for a couple of days and the swelling went way down.

Posted by: girl at May 12, 2006 04:47 AM

OMG, you crack me up, I just wish you wrote more often

Posted by: Jerri Ann at May 12, 2006 05:18 AM

i think mom's are genetically predisposed to freaking out when their kids get hurt. for example, when my brother and i were little, we lived on a street that was a big hill from one end to the other, and our driveway was about halfway down the hill. we loved to ride our bikes down that hill. one day my brother was riding his bike as fast as he could down the hill, and at the last minute decided he wanted to turn into our driveway instead of going all the way down the hill. he ended up doing a face plant on our driveway, getting a bloody lip and practically knocking his two front teeth out. my dad was home, took control of the situation and calmly called my mom at work to find out the name of our dentist. the conversation went like this:

Dad: "Hi, I need to know the name of our dentist"
Mom: "Why do you need to know?"
Dad: "Oh it's nothing. What's the dentist's name?"
Mom: "OMG WHO'S HURT ARE THEY DYING WHAT'S GOING ON I'M COMING HOME RIGHT NOW"

and then there was the time that my little brother slipped and fell into the lake - in 6 inches of water. he was fine, but he couldn't climb back out, and i couldn't help him because he was bigger than me. so i called for my mom, and i said "little brother fell in the lake..." and before i could even finish my sentence she was running down the hill ready to dive in a save him from certain death, despite the fact that i was calmly calling her and not freaking out at all.

Posted by: geeky at May 12, 2006 05:46 AM

I am totally with you when it comes to seeing my own children bleed. One time my middle one got a bloody nose (and we are talkin' gusher here) and I completely freaked out. Called my friend screaming, took him to the doctor....yeah, for a bloody nose.

Posted by: DebbieDoesLife at May 12, 2006 05:52 AM

OMG! Don't worry, her tongue will heal quickly.

But OMG!!!! your leg! Because you scared me for a sec! I was all, shit! I was living out my dream of being able to dance in an aeorobic fashion through YOU (ballet does not count, i have that down but when do you ever just hear a song and break out into "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy?" Only at Christmas if you flip by PBS. So.) and i was scared there would be no stories about it for a while and I am totally going out of the country for 7 weeks on Monday and I need something to make me happy while I am stuck here at work.

Posted by: Julianna at May 12, 2006 06:16 AM

I'm cringing for her. Poor baby!

And I was LOL at the rest of it.

Posted by: Maria at May 12, 2006 06:24 AM

Go with your Mommy instincts girl.

If you did NOTHING and something was bad wrong? Then everyone would be all "WHY DIDNT YOU DO SOMETHING Y???"

Poor baby.

Posted by: Mary at May 12, 2006 07:11 AM

I had one of those bad tongue bites. They hurt. Also? I still have scars on my tongue from it.

Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist at May 12, 2006 07:20 AM

Oh my goodness. You are too funny! And you sound Just. Like. Me! I'm glad to know that I'm not the only neurotic worry-wart mother out there! I have to read this to my hubby because I think he'd appreciate knowing that I'm not the only one!

And I'm so sorry about her wittle tongue! I had an experience just like it not too long ago where my babe hit her face on the coffee table and- oh my GOODNESS- she was spilling blood everywhere! I think the mouth bleeds more than other parts.

Posted by: Stephanie at May 12, 2006 07:23 AM

Slap? No... Tag with a meme? Heheh. Yeah.

Posted by: daniel at May 12, 2006 10:20 AM

My mom is the exact opposite. I (admittedly this is stupid) was jumping up and down in the hallway and fell on my ankle wrong. It really hurt so I went to my mom crying and saying "mom I think I hurt my ankle real bad. It hurts mommy. Is it broken?" (I was 7) She told me there is no possible way that I could have broken it and to stop whining the pain would go away. Yeah... guess who felt bad the next morning when my leg was the size of a melon and it turned out I had a broken ankle. Oh yeah, mummy did.

Posted by: chrissylas at May 12, 2006 10:42 AM

Oh yeah and Me the greatest story I've ever heard. You mom wins the freak out award :D

Posted by: chrissylas at May 12, 2006 10:43 AM

I don't think that's over-reacting. At least not too much. (Is there such a thing as 'mild over-reacting?')

I mean, a mouthful of blood is something to think about.

And oh my god she's cute.

Posted by: Ben at May 12, 2006 11:38 AM

She is BEAUTIFUL!

(But I'd love to see a picture with the bloody mouth, too.)

Posted by: Amy at May 12, 2006 01:16 PM

How did you get her to sit still long enough to get such perfect pigtails?!?!

Posted by: Brandi at May 12, 2006 02:01 PM

OMG I cannot stop laughing. Not because G-unit got hurt, but because you are such a fabulous writer.
I hope she feels better.

I am exactly the opposite. I never ever freak out, so I think we would be perfect to hang out together. We'd balance each other out. I let my son drill through his own fingernail after he smashed it... and you could scream and faint. It would be perfect ;-)

Posted by: chris at May 12, 2006 05:29 PM

(I am a total fan of your site even though I am not married or a mother)
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I don't think you overreacted at all. My mom was the exact opposite of you (ie no emergency freaked her out) and when I was about Gabby's age, I hit my chin on a table and my teeth DID go through my tongue. My mom debated taking me to the hospital FOREVER and then once they did they had to have a PLASTIC SURGEON called in to put eight stitches in my tongue. And on top of that, they told her I might not have feeling in the tip of my tongue ever...luckily I do and don't even remember the injury. But seriously, eight stitches!

Posted by: Jorie at May 12, 2006 06:25 PM