Last night I was excited to get back into "the gym scene" as I have slacked off lately.
I've missed 3 Aerobic Dance classes in a row. Which is a record for me because I NEVER miss Aerobic Dance Class.
Imagine my HORROR when some lady who I do not know stood at the front of the class to announce that Anna had cancelled and there would be "no Dance today." Instead, it would be just regular ol' aerobics.
Regular ol' aerobics are DUMB.
I wanted to walk out, but I was in "my spot" in the front of the room and didn't want to look like a poor sport, but inside? I was throwing the biggest tantrum. And I was kind of mad at Anna, how dare she get sick, or too busy to come and teach me new moves. HOW DARE SHE.
The class started and I couldn't stop rolling my eyes. No! Seriously. I kept rolling my eyes and sighing. IT WAS SO DUMB.
About halfway through the Dumbest Routine Ever, she decided to throw in a few token, but TOTALLY DUMB dance "moves." If you can even call them "moves."
At that point, my eyes almost got stuck in the back of my head from the rollage because DO NOT EVEN TRY TO PRETEND LIKE YOU ARE AEROBIC DANCE INSTRUCTING, YOU POSER.
I really was hating the instructor at this point, because The Lameness was overwhelming, but then, she said five little words and TOTALLY REDEEMED HERSELF.
"Make the moves your own."
Sweet Mother of Aerobic Dance. She had just given me permission to bust out my Aerobic Dance Greatness. I don't think she realized the monster she was unleashing by uttering those words because HOLY CRAP, people, DID I EVER MAKE THE MOVES MY OWN.
I'm embarrassed now that I think about it, but in the heat of the moment, I truly thought I was "The Shit."
She was all "Let's do the charleston."
So, we did the Charleston and about halfway through, I decided it was time to kick it up a notch and show her what I was made of and um, the part where you kick back? I went down to the floor and SLAPPED THE GROUND.
It took her a few times to notice, but you better believe she noticed. She was all "Whoa, look at how low she can go."
Recognition from the intructor ACHIEVED.
Obviously, she was not aware of the fact that it's best to NOT encourage me.
The chick behind me didn't like the fact that I was being singled out for my greatness. She also was in awe of my TOTALLY AWESOME "Slap the ground" move and decided it was time (try to) OUT FREESTYLE AEROBIC DANCE ME.
She started doing all of these crazy moves, which made me feel like I had to "one up" her and so then I started doing these crazy moves right back at her and OMG. She wasn't intimidated and broke out this one really awesome move (which, it kills me to admit that, but damn, why didn't I think of hopping on one leg first?) Before you know it, we're in this FULL ON (silent) AEROBIC DANCE WAR and OMG! I started to panic inside which caused me to get desperate and do things I NEVER would have thought I'd do on the Aerobic Dance Floor.
At this point, I think the instructor caught on to what was happening because, SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, it was pretty damn obvious and OH MY GOD, I can't stop laughing just thinking about it because I MADE AN ASS OUT OF MYSELF but, because I think I am the Greatest Aerobic Dancer to have ever lived, I couldn't stop myself. But, back to the instructor. She knew what was going on and wasn't sure how to handle it. It's like, she knew she'd have to declare "A winner" somehow, someway before a)someone got hurt by busting out a dangerous move b) someone got punched in the vagina because, honestly, don't EVEN try to step to this, biznitch.
This is the part where I start to cry on the inside again because a winner was clearly chosen and it was NOT me.
The instructor liked one of the moves that my competitor busted out and said something like "Look at her go." (And here is where I admit that I FULLY thought she was talking about me, until she verbalized what the move looked like and I realised that I hadn't done that move.) Then, and, this is the part that hurts SO BAD, she asked the girl to stay after class to "brainstorm some new moves" after class because she really liked her moves.
As if having my ass handed to me in a silent aerobic dance off wasn't heartbreaking enough, I had to come home and read that my sweet, beautiful, partially deaf Elliot was voted off of American Idol. I kind of hate America for that, but not as much as I hate that obviously blind and very dumb dance instructor for not having choosen ME as The Winner.
"punched in the vagina"
I laughed out loud and my boss came in here and I had to click off for just a second.
I couldn't explain why I was laughing.
I hope I don't get written up.