A couple of weeks ago, my son announced that Sex Education was going to start and I needed to sign the permission slips.
I signed them without any hesitation because I was the ONE AND ONLY teenager in my class that wasn't allowed to participate in sex ed. I'll never forget how humiliated I felt when the teacher announced that I needed to leave because I wasn't allowed to participate because MY PARENTS CHECKED NO.
Well, the classes started last week and let me tell you, I'm having a hard time with the whole thing.
Talking about sex with my boys when they were small was easy for me. But as they get older, it became more difficult because, well, you know, BONERS AND STUFF.
I have been asking him questions about The Sex Ed everyday because I want to be involved and in the know about what they're teaching my son about The Sex. And also? I'm trying to pretend to be completely mature and NOT IN THE LEAST BIT UNCOMFORTABLE with the whole thing but let me tell you, it's so completely uncomfortable. (For both of us.)
The other day, I picked him up from school and because I am truly trying to be "open and totally ok" with The Sex Ed, I was all "So! How was sex ed? What did you learn today?" And he was all mortified and turned white and said "It was totally gross and disgusting." And I was all "Why!? What did you talk about it?" And he was all "Um, I don't want to talk about it Mom."
I honestly think he would have rather allowed me to stab him in the leg repeatedly with a #2 pencil then continue the conversation, but DAMMIT, I am an involved, open minded parent and I was not going to be shut out like that.
"Son, I'm your mother, there isn't anything you can't tell me. I already know everything you're learning, so tell me."
"Ok. We had to watch the movie about 'girls.' And we learned about, you know, tampons and stuff."
At this point, I had conflicting emotions. I kind of wanted to throw up because OMG. VAGINA TALK WITH MY 13 YEAR OLD SON IS FREAKING ME OUT, but, I also wanted to be mature and matter of fact because VAGINAS ARE A PART OF THIS THING WE CALL LIFE.
I tried to be mature. I honestly did, but The Akward took over and I took the TOTALLY IMMATURE ROUTE. I started tickling him and saying things in a really high pitched voice like "HAHA! Andrew knows about The Period. TAAAAAMPPOOOONSS. WEEEEEEE!"
Can you feel the akwardness?
The next day, he stormed in to the house and said "MOM! Sex Ed is getting grosser by the day! Today we had to watch a baby be born."
My first thought was "Holy SHIT! My son saw a V-A-G-I-N-A" and, again, I wanted to throw up, but this time I took the high road, people.
"There's nothing gross about a baby being born son, it's natural and a beautiful, spiritual experience that changes your life forever in the greatest way."
I think he likes it better when I act 12 because the kid didn't know how to respond.
"Whatever, mom. There was blood and amniotic fluid and um, mom..."
I panicked a little because, OH MY GOD! What if he's about to say something really gross, like "And the womans vagina was all hairy" so I started thinking of ways to cut him off. Perhaps I could interrupt him by saying something really important, like, you know, "hold on, I have to fart!" but before I could interrupt, he finished his sentence with "And the baby looked like an alien."
What a relief! I did not have to hear my son say "vagina", but! I did have to hear my son say "HYMEN", (As in "Hey, mom, is a HYMEN a male or female part, I forgot" to which I responded with a dry heave and a "Um, which do you THINK it belongs to" because um... I totally wasn't prepared for him to blurt THAT out all non chalantly.)
Knowing that my son "knows things" now is effecting me in ways I never imagined. For instance, the other day, Tony and I were making out in the room and when he got up to go outside, I was all "OMG! You can't go outside like that! Look! You can see your, um, you know, boner and ANDREW TOTALLY KNOWS WHAT THAT IS AND OMG. WHAT IF HE NOTICES?"
(True story! I actually freaked out about that. OH MY GOD. HELP.)
Perhaps I'd have a completely different attitude towards this whole "Discussing sex with my children" if my parents had discusssed sex with me. But, my parent did NOT discuss sex with me, except to tell me that you get pregnant by standing too close to a man and so I'm kind of lost as to how to not make it one big "HAHAH YOU KNOW WHAT A PERIOD AND A HYMEN IS" joke.
I will never forget driving my 12 yr old, now 15 yr old home from school on "Sex Ed" day. He talked non-stop about "erectors" and how a baby was made from sperm from his "tenicles". I almost wrecked the car. He actually taked non-stop the whole way home. I threw in my two cents worth on the whole waiting until your married to have sex and he said "don't worry, it looks disgusting". At 15 his mind is starting to change about that whole "disgusting" part.