Joy Unexpected | This Blog is Poison to Your Brains!

June 05, 2006

It's hard out here for a MILF.

"Ethan, some guy hit on mom. It was sick. He kept staring at her, even when she wasn't looking."

"Shutup! You're lying!"

"No, I swear. It was so gross."

"Oh man, if I was there, I would have kicked him in the balls and told him to BACK OFF BUDDY, SHE'S MARRIED AND YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

One might think that I am telling you this story to prove to you yet again that I'VE STILL GOT IT. If my "it" you mean "A tendancy to attract The Freaks of The World" then yes! I've still got it!

So...I'm standing in line for a ride at Knotts with my teenage son. We're talking, minding our own business when this Extremely Short Dude, who looked like a mutated Kevin James, decided he should answer a question that I asked my son.

HELLO? WAS NOT SPEAKING TO YOU. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

I did that little fake laugh thing that I do when I really want to punch people in the neck, but can't for fear of criminal prosecution and turned my body as if to say "You are dead to me, oh thou whom I was not speaking to because I do not even know you."

My son leaned in and whispered "Mom, that guy is staring at you. He won't stop staring at you."

I turned around and caught a glimpse of this guy violating me with his eyes. I looked away, but I could still feel him staring at me. I tried so damn hard to pretend like I didn't notice. I talked to my son, I looked for things in my purse. I pretended to have a headache and put my hands over my eyes.

God. Now that I think about it, what I SHOULD have done was released the trapped gas that was killing me inside and farted on him.

I made the mistake of making eye contact with him.

"What's your name? You from around here?"

"Um, yeah. My names Y."

(I know. Why did I tell him my name? WHY?)

He put his hand out in the "please shake me" position and said "My name is (ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? I DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE.) Sterling."

I tried not to laugh, I really did, but I started laughing. "Sterling?"

"Yes, Sterling."

"Alrighty then."

What happened next will make you puke.

I'm standing there and STERLING was staring at me, at my boobs, at my ass. I WAS BEING VISUALLY MOLESTED by a guy named STERLING who smelled like pickle juice.

I continued to pretend like I didn't know he existed and made small talk with my son. At one point, he asked me a question about money that my mom was holding for Ethan. My answer ended like this "But I bet she gave him to him." ("It" being "the money.")

Mother fucking Sterling looked me right in the eyes (Yes, the eyes that should NOT have been looking in STERLINGS direction, but forgive me, I'm human! I make mistakes!)

"Oh, she DID give it to him. OH yeah she did. I watched her give it to him. She gave it to him good, Oh yes she did."

People! He said that! With my 13 year old son standing right next to me!

I looked over at my sweet, innocent son, hoping he hadn't heard, or that if he had heard, it had went WAY over his head. But! I could tell by the paleness of his face that he TOTALLY got it. Some Dude just got nasty with his mom and he didn't take it well. Oh no he didn't. (Damn Sexual Education Classes.)

I stood there in a state of shock that Some Dude thought it was "ok" to say something like that in front of my son. All of these crazy, violent thoughts ran through my head.

"Punch him in the dick!"
"Scratch his eyes out!"
"Rip his chest hair out!"

I decided againt physical violence and went with a loud sigh of disgust accompanied by fierce head shaking and rolling of my eyes instead.

Once we got on the ride, we started laughing hysterically about STERLING. Andrew told me he felt angry and uncomfortable but was to afraid to say anything. All I can say is that STERLING is lucky that Ethan wasn't there, because, no one messes with me when Ethan's around. Homeboy LOVES his Mom and man, I wish he had been there. I would have loved to see STERLING get it between the legs.

(Um, I guess I should file this one under "You had to be there.")

Posted by Y at June 5, 2006 09:17 AM

Comments

"Oh, she DID give it to him. OH yeah she did. I watched her give it to him. She gave it to him good, Oh yes she did."

OMG!! I'm cracking up. And horrified all at the same time. What is wrong with people?

Posted by: Itchy at June 5, 2006 12:57 PM

I feel like I need to scrub my skin off now that I have read that. I still laughed my ass off though.

Posted by: tabatha at June 5, 2006 01:14 PM

why can we never act like the true bad-ass bitches that we are, when confronted with someone who actually deserves to be bitched at?

the other night i was bartending, and some guy stuck around til we closed and asked me to go down the street to his hotel room.
and, me? i told him i had to get up early to babysit.

wtf?

Posted by: tiffers at June 5, 2006 01:16 PM

I KNOW. I think that my "wimping out" had something to do with my son being there and not wanting to make a scene (which haha! Not true, I make scenes in front of my kids all of the time. Just ask them about the time the bitch got smart with me at IHOP or about the truck driver who blocked me in.)

Posted by: Y at June 5, 2006 01:18 PM

Please oh please tell me why you didn't at least say something!! Of course physical attacks are frowned upon (darnit) but there is noooo excuse for talking to you like that. Especially in front of your son!! I have a feeling my kids would have seen a side of me they would not have liked. Pigs.

And I'm sad to say, a friend of mine has a son named Sterling. I am very sad for the little boy.

Posted by: Melody at June 5, 2006 02:18 PM

Ew, ew ew! I am SO sorry you had to go through that, and in front of your KIDS! Man, people are so disturbing sometimes!

Posted by: Kimberly at June 5, 2006 03:09 PM

Oh no he di-unt! What a little fuck. A little fuck with a weird name and weird mutated Kevin James face. Little weird mutated fucker.

Sorry, I got a little carried away, imagining something that disgusting happening to me. Ga-ross! I feel kind of skeevy all over (but am still managing to laugh hysterically at your re-telling of the story!)

Posted by: Kristie at June 5, 2006 03:29 PM

I also being the "HOT" one that I am attract the most lovely of men....carnies, geriatrics and the mentally disabled! Woot!

Your story makes one need a shower! ewww

Posted by: Bev at June 5, 2006 03:50 PM

Oh, come on!! You know you loved it!! You still got it Y!!

Posted by: Debbie at June 5, 2006 04:18 PM

sadly, this stupid bitch i work with has a son named sterling. and what's even stupider, she uses his name for all her passwords.

i would have puched that dude in the nuts...that's just nasty.

Posted by: angela at June 5, 2006 04:55 PM

See how dumb I am? I had NO IDEA that people named their children STERLING. I thought he was trying to be all "Rico Suave".

Posted by: Y at June 5, 2006 05:05 PM

Oh, wow. Named Sterling and smells like pickle juice? Clearly, this man is a stud waiting for just the right kind of woman to find him...

Posted by: Woman with kids at June 5, 2006 05:32 PM

Ewwwww!!!!

Where the hell do these people come from??

-H

Posted by: Hed at June 5, 2006 05:42 PM

Well, I can tell you that particular "person" came from Pheonix.

Posted by: Y at June 5, 2006 05:48 PM

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! i woulda smacked that dude upside the head kicked him in the wee wee lmao ewwwwww
sorry hun!

Posted by: beth at June 5, 2006 05:56 PM

ya know, I was just going to email you a bit from Kevin James' act that I just remembered. Now I think I'll just...I think I'll just hold off on that one. And hopefully *Sterling* didn't ruin him for me.

and why dont these guys ever look like George Clooney or Matthew McC (or whomever you find hot)?? and why must they smell of pickle juice?

Posted by: jenfromboston at June 5, 2006 06:11 PM

The title of this post made me spit coffee all over myself... Mostly because I am singing it in my head.

Posted by: Jennifer at June 5, 2006 06:20 PM

"Oh man, if I was there, I would have kicked him in the balls and told him to BACK OFF BUDDY, SHE'S MARRIED AND YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

I totally love this intense loyalty. That's a good son right there. ;^)

Posted by: Beth at June 5, 2006 07:36 PM

eeeeewwwwwWWWWWWW!!!! Sick little bastard!!

I had a nasty old guy following me down an aisle in my grocery store complex, who proceeded to say the absolute filthiest thing about what he would like to do to me. I wheeled around and screamed at him "How dare you speak to me like that you disgusting pig!" He just smiled and walked away. I felt so violated. Just reading your story brought it back again. I can still hear his voice saying it. Blech!!!

I always manage to attract the weirdos too!!!!

Posted by: dana michelle at June 5, 2006 07:38 PM

OMG I think I went on a blind date with this guy once. Name of Sterling? check. Mutated Kevin James? check. From Phoenix? check. Disturbingly inappropriate? CHECK AND CHECK. ew ew ew ew ew.

Posted by: Wendy at June 5, 2006 07:39 PM

Triple yuck. I hate it when crap like that happens. He could have been a real stalker/freakazoid, and maybe your inner self sensed that and therefore did not commence upon jacking his a** up.

Me being the old fattie that I am (who conceals her bobs b/c her hubby will have it No. Other. Way., I spend most of my time hollering at the mall rats who dare gaze upon my bee-you-tee-ful daughters. Yes, I have threatened a punk Goth pierced to hell and back freak. (checking out my then 5 and a half foot tall 11 yr old) I have also hissed at a cowboy wannabe (poor Gabby).

But the worst? I'd say he was about 45, and he didn't know we were together. I was about 10 feet behind the girls fighting my niece's demon possessed stroller ('nother story), and he stopped, turned around, looked them up and down and started following them. He tried twice to get them to talk to him before I mananged to ram him with my niece. I mean, her stroller, but she was in it, so yeah, whatever, you follow.

Then I screamed "Pervert, freaking child molesting perv!" at him as he fled the mall. And yes, we live in a major city, and this is the primary mall. No, we haven't seen him since. Go figure.

Why can't weirdos just stay home and surf the net like they're supposed to?!? This world is full of freaks.

Sorry you got leered at Y. What did hubby say? Please tell me the man didn't laugh and suggest you fart on him next time....

Posted by: Me (no longer Annon Emus Me, but Me still the same) at June 6, 2006 06:25 AM

uuuughhh!!! you should have kicked him in the nads. eeewwww...*shakes it off*

Posted by: GFI at June 6, 2006 08:01 AM

Ewww! Oh my gosh that is so disgusting. I too love the intense loyalty (to the point of violence it seems) of Ethan. Good son you have there Y.

Posted by: chrissylas at June 6, 2006 09:02 AM

"Punch him in the dick" -- oh my, you cracked me up big time! And the pickle juice, too damn funny! You are a great writer!

Posted by: Valerie at June 6, 2006 04:11 PM