I have been sitting here for over an hour trying to come up with something to write. (This WannaBe Writers Block is KILLING ME, people.) My husband just walked into the room, I grabbed him by the arm and said "Help me think of something to write, PLEASE. HELP ME."
His response?
(And these are his EXACT WORDS.)
(And he is standing over my shoulder as I type this to make sure I quote him correctly.)
"Write about you have never been a "prude", but how you just got a New Toy and how it's opened up a whole new world of possibilities for us and how your husband really loves The Toy because it gets you in the mood."
Where do I even begin?
Howza'bout at I've "never been a prude?"
In fairness to him, he said that I've "never been a prude." But the question then becomes, THEN WHY EVEN USE THAT WORD? I'm pretty sure it's because, and this may shock you people, in the 15 "or so" years that we've been having Sessual Relations, we've only recently starting using "toys." And actually, it was only one toy before I busted out the new one the other night.
(Oh my God. I'm talking about sex toys. How very NOT PRUDE of me!)
The reasons for lack of toys had nothing to do with "prudishness" and everything to do with the fact that I am immature and can not take things named "Da Bomb" seriously. I laugh enough during sex as it is. (Which, Tony doesn't appreciate, but PEOPLE, the sound affects that sex can produce at times are HILARIOUS. I can't help it.)
Whatever. I'm secure enough in my Non-Prudishness to not spend too much time worrying about his use of the word "prude."
(But, so we're clear, I'm not a prude.)
My husband seems to be a little confused. He says that The Toy "helps get me in the mood" and that is not true. His romanticness is what gets me in the mood. It is the loving and sexy way in which he proposes Teh Sex that gets my "engines started."
"Oh, you better come to bed early so I can slam that ass tonight."
"I've got yer mouth full of joy RIGHT HERE."
I'm pretty sure that YOU'RE horny just from reading that. Now, imagine how I feel when I'm standing next to his sexiness whilst he says that to me. Shirtless. With a beer in one hand. And the remote in the other.
Ahhh. Yeahhhh.
I'll admit that sex has been scarce since Gabriella was born, but I blame HIM. The agreement after finding out that I was unexpectedly pregnant with our third child was that he would get a vasectomy. That decision was made based on these facts a)birth control makes me fat b)I gave birth to three kids c)birth control turns me into a raging lunatic d)I gave birth to THREE kids e)blahblahblah THREE KIDS and finally f)um, I pushed three human beings out of my vagina.
Well, Gabriella will turn TWO next month and guess who's still packing a Weapon of Mass Fertilization&trade?
Yeah. The way I see it is like this. if he really, truly wanted to GET WITH THIS, he would have had The Snip a LONG time ago.
Anyway.
I'm pretty sure the reason the first thing out of his mouth when I asked for ideas on what to write was "Tell them about your new toy (and in doing so, let them know that I am indeed still hittin' it.)" was because for the first time in a very long time, the man got a piece of THIS two nights in a row. And believe you me, he's working hard to make it three.
Since I am in the business and making people happy and because he is the one who inspired me to write something today (And totally not because of The Toy. No. Seriously.) I just may go ahead and make that happen for him.
So, guys must go to a special school to come up with the good lines like that, hm? Mine, too- Mmmm,I'm gonna tear me off a piece of this. really gets me going...
You go on wid your hot self, Y! Making people happy is what you do best:)